Anonymous
03/04/2015 14:56
Subject: I am feeling resentful and jealous, but mostly RESENTFUL.
I don't understand why your DH won't stay with his mom and the baby so you can have an outing with the preschooler. Why is that not an option, OP?
(The bigger issue about family vacations is a bigger issue, but I join other PP's in wondering why this is not an option.)
(The bigger issue about family vacations is a bigger issue, but I join other PP's in wondering why this is not an option.)
Anonymous
03/04/2015 14:52
Subject: I am feeling resentful and jealous, but mostly RESENTFUL.
Don't waste your time and money on a vacation for s preschooler! He won't remember it.
Anonymous
03/04/2015 14:47
Subject: I am feeling resentful and jealous, but mostly RESENTFUL.
Anonymous wrote:We have 2 young children and the preschooler's "dream" is to visit Legoland. I think he is at a prime age to go and would like to take him this year. I take care of my MIL who moved in with us after a few years in a nursing home, because my husband (only child) was not happy about the quality of care, was feeling guilty. I was not happy but I supported him because I would want to do the same for my mother in the same situation (already dead).
Anyway, I can't go by myself with preschooler because I would also have to bring the baby and I can't imagine how I would go on the rides with my older one. Husband doesn't want to put his mother in a nursing home for respite care because he feels she got in a nice schedule now and is doing really well - he doesn't want to mess it up. So he suggested he take our preschooler by himself and I stay home with his mother and our infant.
In one hand, I think this time could be great for father/son bonding, and a great memory. Besides, I have traveled with him (child) MANY times by myself and husband was always supportive. On the other hand, I can't help but feel resentful, if nothing else, because I am worried how this situation will play in the future. Are we never to take family vacations anymore while his mother is alive? I don't know what he is thinking because he says he needs time to consider the options.
Anyway, I am feeling very resentful right now.
My kids enjoyed Legoland the most in the elementary years. A preschooler will not remember very long. Wait until your MIL is better situated and your baby can enjoy it too. Consider having someone come and stay with her in your home if you are unwilling to wait.
Anonymous
03/04/2015 14:22
Subject: Re:I am feeling resentful and jealous, but mostly RESENTFUL.
Anonymous wrote:OP, I think you've gotten some good advice on dealing with your MIL. So, here is my unsolicited piece of advice about Legoland (please take with a grain of salt!).
I'm not sure how old your preschooler is, but we went this summer with our 4 kids, then ages 8, 5.5, 3.5, and 7 months. The older 2 had a blast, but the younger two could only really hang out in Duplo land. It was fun for the 3.5 year old for the morning, but by the afternoon she was beat. I ended up wrangling 2 young, cranky kids while DH & the older 2 had a blast. Based on my experience, you might find putting this whole vacation off for 3-4 years might be more fun.
BUT, that aside, I agree- the issue about how to handle not ever being able to leave MIL alone is a big one, and definitely needs to be addressed now. What if you had a compelling reason to all be somewhere else at another time?
Good luck sorting this out!
+1 to all of this. The Legoland will wait, your DS sounds a little young for it yet, and leaving your MIL for a whole weekend with a stranger might be a goal to work up to, rather than something to do right now. But I totally understand that you want to take a vacation! Separately, sit your DH down and ask him very seriously what would happen if you were incapacitated. God forbid, what if a medical issue arises with you or one of the kids and you have to be in the hospital? Emergencies happen. It wouldn't take much to get in a fender bender, sprain your ankle, kid spikes a high fever, etc. You're much better off having a caregiver familiar to your MIL who can step in. Ideally you would have a caregiver service once a week so your MIL can get used to a few elder-sitters, and then you will have someone to call. If your DH doesn't see this, he is being unreasonable.
Anonymous
03/04/2015 13:56
Subject: Re:I am feeling resentful and jealous, but mostly RESENTFUL.
Sell his mom on Craigslist.
Anonymous
03/04/2015 13:41
Subject: I am feeling resentful and jealous, but mostly RESENTFUL.
I don't understand why he can't stay home with baby and mom while you take older to LL?
Anonymous
03/04/2015 13:37
Subject: Re:I am feeling resentful and jealous, but mostly RESENTFUL.
OP - From my experience, you need to take life one day at a time at this point. You have no idea how long MIL will live, or if your DH would refuse to do family vacations a year or two down the road. This must be very difficult on you and your young family. Caring for a sick parent is never easy. Never.
Go with the flow now. Let DH take your son and you sit this one out, as you said. As things come up, discuss them. At some point, when you aren’t as resentful, have a discussion about family vacations with DH. But know, that everything can change in a flash. That is the way life is.
Go with the flow now. Let DH take your son and you sit this one out, as you said. As things come up, discuss them. At some point, when you aren’t as resentful, have a discussion about family vacations with DH. But know, that everything can change in a flash. That is the way life is.
Anonymous
03/04/2015 13:32
Subject: I am feeling resentful and jealous, but mostly RESENTFUL.
OP, I feel for you. There is really no good solution, but it is discouraging that your husband didn't offer to stay home and care for his mother and the baby. Sigh....
Still, take a young college student or high school friend to hold the baby while you are there - you will have a good time and your husband will have the pleasure of covering for you for several days with his mother. It might make him reconsider other options.
Still, take a young college student or high school friend to hold the baby while you are there - you will have a good time and your husband will have the pleasure of covering for you for several days with his mother. It might make him reconsider other options.
Anonymous
03/04/2015 13:31
Subject: Re:I am feeling resentful and jealous, but mostly RESENTFUL.
Bless you for taking care of your MIL. I know you are in a hard situation b/c your MIL is a difficult woman. I like the idea of you taking the preschooler to LL and letting your husband stay home with the baby. Could you bring the baby with you as well? Also the fact that this situation arose makes me think you should look into respite care/in-home PT care giver if this type of situation arises in the future.
Anonymous
03/04/2015 13:27
Subject: I am feeling resentful and jealous, but mostly RESENTFUL.
How old is the preschooler? My husband takes my son every year (alone, not because of MILs but because I work a lot more than DH) and my son enjoyed it much more at ages 4 and 5 than 3. Maybe put the trip off for a year. Then your DH can stay with MIL and the baby and you can take your older kid!
Anonymous
03/04/2015 13:25
Subject: I am feeling resentful and jealous, but mostly RESENTFUL.
Anonymous wrote:Uh - no way, you go to Legoland w/ the older child and let DH stay home w/ the baby and his mom. His idea to take the child himself is ludicrous.
+1. You're not an employee he has hired to take care of his mom. You're his wife and mother of his children. It's awesome if you've agreed to take care of his mom, but you don't get pushed out of vacations and fun mom things with your own kids because of it. No way. He stays home, or he finds someone to stay with mom.
Anonymous
03/04/2015 13:21
Subject: Re:I am feeling resentful and jealous, but mostly RESENTFUL.
OP, I think you've gotten some good advice on dealing with your MIL. So, here is my unsolicited piece of advice about Legoland (please take with a grain of salt!).
I'm not sure how old your preschooler is, but we went this summer with our 4 kids, then ages 8, 5.5, 3.5, and 7 months. The older 2 had a blast, but the younger two could only really hang out in Duplo land. It was fun for the 3.5 year old for the morning, but by the afternoon she was beat. I ended up wrangling 2 young, cranky kids while DH & the older 2 had a blast. Based on my experience, you might find putting this whole vacation off for 3-4 years might be more fun.
BUT, that aside, I agree- the issue about how to handle not ever being able to leave MIL alone is a big one, and definitely needs to be addressed now. What if you had a compelling reason to all be somewhere else at another time?
Good luck sorting this out!
I'm not sure how old your preschooler is, but we went this summer with our 4 kids, then ages 8, 5.5, 3.5, and 7 months. The older 2 had a blast, but the younger two could only really hang out in Duplo land. It was fun for the 3.5 year old for the morning, but by the afternoon she was beat. I ended up wrangling 2 young, cranky kids while DH & the older 2 had a blast. Based on my experience, you might find putting this whole vacation off for 3-4 years might be more fun.
BUT, that aside, I agree- the issue about how to handle not ever being able to leave MIL alone is a big one, and definitely needs to be addressed now. What if you had a compelling reason to all be somewhere else at another time?
Good luck sorting this out!
Anonymous
03/04/2015 13:18
Subject: I am feeling resentful and jealous, but mostly RESENTFUL.
Uh - no way, you go to Legoland w/ the older child and let DH stay home w/ the baby and his mom. His idea to take the child himself is ludicrous.
Anonymous
03/04/2015 10:10
Subject: I am feeling resentful and jealous, but mostly RESENTFUL.
I agree you need backup care. Being a caregiver can be very hard and draining. I've watched various family members in this role and I don't think it's right to put it all on one person. My aunt and uncle were doing this with my grandma who also has dementia. It became overwhelming for my aunt (grandma is her MIL) so now her care is split by various family members. Backup care is a must if this is to be a long term arrangement.
Anonymous
03/04/2015 10:03
Subject: I am feeling resentful and jealous, but mostly RESENTFUL.
You need to find a regular caregiver to help, regardless of what happens with this vacation. If you really don't have any other family as backup, you are flying without a net, and it is only a matter of time until something happens that requires paid care. So you might as well find someone now, before it's a crisis. For example, what if you break your ankle on the ice, OP? Or get the flu? All kinds of things may come up that necessitate a few nights away, and it would be good to have a known caregiver to step in.