Anonymous
Post 03/11/2015 16:54     Subject: MIL highly offended that we dont keep the stuff she gives us,.
My MIL tries to give us stuff every time we see her. She is so sentimental about the items in her house, and feels tremendous guilt at giving things away. "Our family friends gave us this 30 years ago", followed by worrying and hand-wringing over whether to give it away or not. Her solution to get past her guilt is to give it to us. She tries hard to attach sentiment to it so that we will accept the item. "You never met so-and-so, but they were our friends when I was pregnant with DH. They moved before he was born, but they were the couple that bought the outfit he came home from the hospital in. They gave us this amazing tea set one year for Christmas. It would bring them such delight if they knew you had it now in your home." Oh, good grief. It wouldn't be bad if it was just a few items, but unfortunately, it's so much more.
Anonymous
Post 03/11/2015 16:27     Subject: MIL highly offended that we dont keep the stuff she gives us,.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Is she a hoarder? She sounds like her home would be made for one of those hoarding shows.

I would let it go. You do not sound ungrateful and decades old used cloth diapers are gross. Keep what matters and donate or toss the rest. It is her issue not yours.


This is what I thought of immediately.
hoarders collect and ate not good at giving things away. That's why they have so much crap. I don't think she's a hoarder in the classical sense.
Anonymous
Post 03/11/2015 14:24     Subject: MIL highly offended that we dont keep the stuff she gives us,.
Get a storage facility, send it all there.
Anonymous
Post 03/10/2015 20:43     Subject: MIL highly offended that we dont keep the stuff she gives us,.
My MIL is like this (keeps all her old stuff) except she refuses to give us anything old for DD. She took out a play table and chairs that DD LOVED when we visit, but refuses to give it to us to bring home even though it is the perfect size and there's no one else in the family to use it. MIL's sister regularly gives us "antiques" for holidays -- except it's like "grandpa's steak knives" or "grandma's salt and pepper shakers". DH's family is SO WEIRD.
Anonymous
Post 03/03/2015 22:45     Subject: MIL highly offended that we dont keep the stuff she gives us,.
Could she be a hoarder? Does she hoard in her own home?
Anonymous
Post 03/02/2015 22:13     Subject: MIL highly offended that we dont keep the stuff she gives us,.
Yep, this is my MIL too. We don't even get the chance to decline her gifts because they just show up on our doorstep. She just sent my husband an email saying she's bought something that she'll be sending us shortly. I don't even remember what it was but it'll be going to Goodwill right after it arrives. I used to feel bad but now I don't. I can't deal with her feelings as well.
Anonymous
Post 03/02/2015 21:52     Subject: MIL highly offended that we dont keep the stuff she gives us,.
Anonymous wrote:I think (and say this to myself when my mother did the same to me) that "things" were more valuable and valued in yesteryears. Today stuff is so inexpensive (and in many cases better quality) that we don't associate the same emotions with it as our parents did. We are all drowning in "things" and frankly, there are so many choices we can usually find exactly what we are looking for without much effort.

Which is a long way of saying, she's not insane. She's just of a different generation. We don't attach our emotions to "stuff" in the same way.


Yes, I think this is all true. It is definitely true of my parents. But I suspect it will happen to many of us over time, too, as our possessions are imbued with more meaning as our lives grow and change. Things that remind us of our kids will be harder to let go of than the Target furniture we bought off Craigslist when we were single in our 20s.
Anonymous
Post 03/02/2015 20:29     Subject: MIL highly offended that we dont keep the stuff she gives us,.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I think (and say this to myself when my mother did the same to me) that "things" were more valuable and valued in yesteryears. Today stuff is so inexpensive (and in many cases better quality) that we don't associate the same emotions with it as our parents did. We are all drowning in "things" and frankly, there are so many choices we can usually find exactly what we are looking for without much effort.

Which is a long way of saying, she's not insane. She's just of a different generation. We don't attach our emotions to "stuff" in the same way.


Really good insight, PP. I've noticed this too and realized I would collect things just because I thought I was supposed to, not because I wanted to.


+!00 I never saw this fact before. I think poverty or the perception of poverty earlier in life must make it worse.
Anonymous
Post 03/02/2015 20:20     Subject: MIL highly offended that we dont keep the stuff she gives us,.
My mother has a habit of handing stuff down to us then 10, 15, 20 years later asking it back -- long after we've donated or discarded it.
Anonymous
Post 03/02/2015 19:59     Subject: MIL highly offended that we dont keep the stuff she gives us,.
Anonymous wrote:Same boat, this is what I do (and yes, I'm a weary, embittered and battle scar ridden from years of this ridiculousness)

They come to visit. I greet them with a smile and point to item sitting in garage, neatly in a box or packaged or whatever, and say "Hi MIL, DC is no longer using the 1974 high chair with lead paint you brought over 6 months ago. Would you like it back or should we donate it?"
I am standing in front of object, stoic against anything other than " yes I'd like it back" or "donate."
I wait approximately 2-3 sentences of either guilt, anguish, or disappointment and say "so donate it?"
Another 1-2 sentences from her guilt and now depressive facial expressions "ok, I'll go ahead and donate it" as I open my trunk and start to load up the car.
At this point she has either stopped me and I start carrying to her car without saying a word or she doesn't stop me and I load it in and shut the door.
Big smile, jolly voice "great, now let's come on in, I've got some cookies inside."
It is the only thing that has worked and the crying (not from me, okay maybe once or twice from me) is nearly eliminated. At least the follow up emails and voice mails are almost non existent now.


I like this for the people that just don't get the hint.
Anonymous
Post 03/02/2015 19:58     Subject: MIL highly offended that we dont keep the stuff she gives us,.
Anonymous wrote:I think (and say this to myself when my mother did the same to me) that "things" were more valuable and valued in yesteryears. Today stuff is so inexpensive (and in many cases better quality) that we don't associate the same emotions with it as our parents did. We are all drowning in "things" and frankly, there are so many choices we can usually find exactly what we are looking for without much effort.

Which is a long way of saying, she's not insane. She's just of a different generation. We don't attach our emotions to "stuff" in the same way.


Really good insight, PP. I've noticed this too and realized I would collect things just because I thought I was supposed to, not because I wanted to.
Anonymous
Post 03/02/2015 19:47     Subject: MIL highly offended that we dont keep the stuff she gives us,.
Same boat, this is what I do (and yes, I'm a weary, embittered and battle scar ridden from years of this ridiculousness)

They come to visit. I greet them with a smile and point to item sitting in garage, neatly in a box or packaged or whatever, and say "Hi MIL, DC is no longer using the 1974 high chair with lead paint you brought over 6 months ago. Would you like it back or should we donate it?"
I am standing in front of object, stoic against anything other than " yes I'd like it back" or "donate."
I wait approximately 2-3 sentences of either guilt, anguish, or disappointment and say "so donate it?"
Another 1-2 sentences from her guilt and now depressive facial expressions "ok, I'll go ahead and donate it" as I open my trunk and start to load up the car.
At this point she has either stopped me and I start carrying to her car without saying a word or she doesn't stop me and I load it in and shut the door.
Big smile, jolly voice "great, now let's come on in, I've got some cookies inside."
It is the only thing that has worked and the crying (not from me, okay maybe once or twice from me) is nearly eliminated. At least the follow up emails and voice mails are almost non existent now.
Anonymous
Post 03/02/2015 18:38     Subject: MIL highly offended that we dont keep the stuff she gives us,.
Don't have her store the stuff at her house. She will
become a hoarder, and when she dies you will have a horrendous clean-up job.
Anonymous
Post 03/02/2015 18:22     Subject: MIL highly offended that we dont keep the stuff she gives us,.
How about something like "the kids outgrew it, so I donated it so someone's else's kids can love it too!" She might think you should hold on to it forever though.

I'm in the process of purging my house again. Stuff from dh's Grandma that I have no idea why it's here other than the fact that nobody else wanted to turf it when she moved. Things we haven't even considered wearing since the house was purged almost a year ago. A few things my Mom told me I could get rid of.. she won't be heart broken. LOL
Anonymous
Post 03/02/2015 18:02     Subject: Re:MIL highly offended that we dont keep the stuff she gives us,.
My MIL does this too. She is so sentimental, she has kept everything over the years. She'll give me things like her mother's old purses and scarves along with tons of things from DH's childhood. DH is also somewhat sentimental and a packrat and insists on keeping the junk. I sneak it out when I can and he never notices.

I've gotten much better about saying no. I just repeat that we don't have the space and I'm not sentimental about possessions. I don't feel guilty about refusing her because she's looking to unload things but doesn't want the burden/guilt of doing it herself.