Anonymous wrote:So did he even acknowledge or apologize for the affair?

OP- he says he apologized, but it was, "I'm sorry you got hurt." It doesn't feel very much like an apology, it's said in a nasty tone, usually after we've argued.

So did he even acknowledge or apologize for the affair?

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like he wants a free pass to having had an affair. OP, you have to ask yourself if you are willing to give him that free pass, or any forgiveness, at any point in the process or if you are always going to distrust or resent him. If you are always going to distrust or resent him, then skip the drama and get a divorce. If you have some idea of what he could do to earn your trust back, instead of harping about him about how he hurt you, then give him a path to forgiveness, something not quite a free pass. If he refuses to do anything to earn your trust back, then, again, you probably have nowhere to go but divorce.


BTW, do you have kids? If not, then I do think you should lean towards leaving. Why would you want someone who doesn't want to make an effort to have you.

OP- we lost a daughter who passed away from Cystic Fibrosis, and I have a teenage son, from a first marriage. There are no custody disputes. I think money would be agreed upon. I have a good job. He has a good job.

It has taken me a while to give up on this marriage. After his affair I read all the books, tried to create a plan, tried to look at my part in things coming unraveled, but I was the only one doing those things. He said that I was either going to trust him or not, and that it was my decision, but trust was lost forever.

It has become clearer after writing this, he has done nothing but pass the buck and whine how unfair it is that there are consequences, while trying to flip it in many ways, lastly by insisting on unearned trust and unrepentant forgiveness.

I guess I have no choice, but it is a hard step to leave. I keep on wanting to negotiate something different so this isn't the final result.

sometimes the hardest thing you have to do in life is the thing you need to do most...

It sounds like he wants a free pass to having had an affair. OP, you have to ask yourself if you are willing to give him that free pass, or any forgiveness, at any point in the process or if you are always going to distrust or resent him. If you are always going to distrust or resent him, then skip the drama and get a divorce. If you have some idea of what he could do to earn your trust back, instead of harping about him about how he hurt you, then give him a path to forgiveness, something not quite a free pass. If he refuses to do anything to earn your trust back, then, again, you probably have nowhere to go but divorce.


BTW, do you have kids? If not, then I do think you should lean towards leaving. Why would you want someone who doesn't want to make an effort to have you.

No short cuts in life.
The things you go through - you gotta go thru em.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - I'd like to work it out. I don't understand why he won't fish or cut bait.

You want to work it out by seeing other people? Let us know how it turns out!

OP - No he doesn't want to work with me to figure out what we need to do to reconnect, and he doesn't want to divorce. I guess I could initiate an adversarial divorce, which is not the option I'd prefer. I was hoping it would either wake him up to committing to either divorcing or working on things. If it is neither, I would like to find a companion with whom I could share enjoyable time, and have fun again, and proceed with divorcing.

WTH does he want? A roommate situation? Sounds like YOU need to file and be done with it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's acting like this because he is a jerk. Really.

He did wrong and he wants to sweep it under the rug and act like it didn't happen. Then proceed with life and continue on forward.

Ha. What planet is he living on??

If he chooses not to address the affair, if he chooses to not discuss it at all as well as not attend counseling sessions with you then pretty much you will never get the closure you desire.

And your marriage will always be stuck in this one position without ever going forward which will ultimately prevent you from every healing. Instead of healing, the anger will manifest itself and cause you to grow into a bitter old woman.

Is that what you want? I say take a long and hard look at your marriage and your life.

Life is to be celebrated. Life is not to be simply endured.

OP - He says healing is about forgiveness, and it's work that I have to do internally, and that I'm the one with the problem because I'm upset. Today I said i would really like joint counseling, twice a week, or I'm proceeding with divorce. I can't live like this. It's infuriating to be so violated and then told it's my problem.

He's trying to gaslight you. What did he say when you told him that?

Your marriage is dead. Time to divorce. And your childish attempt at getting his attention by saying you want to date others really undermines you. "Shocking him" is not the way to get our husband to reinvest in your marriage. He doesn't respect you, that's obvious. He doesn't care about you, that's obvious. You yourself said you feel "hated" in your marriage. That is very tough language. Listen to yourself. Get yourself to an attorney, figure out a plan, get a divorce and then indulge in the "fun" that you are apparently transfixed with.

Why does he need to listen to you say repeatedly that you're hurt by his actions? He probably feels like shit about it, but you need him to sit quietly for you to re-explain it. What about looking forward and trying to fix things? If you both have too much resentment to do that, then you need to suck it up and file for divorce already.

Anonymous wrote:He's acting like this because he is a jerk. Really.

He did wrong and he wants to sweep it under the rug and act like it didn't happen. Then proceed with life and continue on forward.

Ha. What planet is he living on??

If he chooses not to address the affair, if he chooses to not discuss it at all as well as not attend counseling sessions with you then pretty much you will never get the closure you desire.

And your marriage will always be stuck in this one position without ever going forward which will ultimately prevent you from every healing. Instead of healing, the anger will manifest itself and cause you to grow into a bitter old woman.

Is that what you want? I say take a long and hard look at your marriage and your life.

Life is to be celebrated. Life is not to be simply endured.

OP - He says healing is about forgiveness, and it's work that I have to do internally, and that I'm the one with the problem because I'm upset. Today I said i would really like joint counseling, twice a week, or I'm proceeding with divorce. I can't live like this. It's infuriating to be so violated and then told it's my problem.

He's acting like this because he is a jerk. Really.

He did wrong and he wants to sweep it under the rug and act like it didn't happen. Then proceed with life and continue on forward.

Ha. What planet is he living on??

If he chooses not to address the affair, if he chooses to not discuss it at all as well as not attend counseling sessions with you then pretty much you will never get the closure you desire.

And your marriage will always be stuck in this one position without ever going forward which will ultimately prevent you from every healing. Instead of healing, the anger will manifest itself and cause you to grow into a bitter old woman.

Is that what you want? I say take a long and hard look at your marriage and your life.

Life is to be celebrated. Life is not to be simply endured.

Or just sign up for ashley Madison and do all of the above at the same time!!! Should be an absolute blast!