I understand what you're going through right now, OP. I developed cold feet when I was engaged to my first boyfriend. So glad I didn't go through with a wedding. In hindsight, it's clear I was reacting to a number of serious issues.

My 2 cents... Very high stress time for both of you and while I feel that there are likely some pretty significant underlying issues here with your fiancé, my vote would be to get married and wait a while for things to settle down/improve before having kids. Look, people get divorced. I got married when I was very young right out of college and divorced a few years later but didn't have any kids. Second time around I remarried in my early 30s and DW and I just celebrated our second anniversary and are planning on starting a family soon. You have a pre-nup in place and that's probably a good thing. We did not go that route but given what you've shared it's an easier exit. I had one the first time around. All of this being said you guys got together for a reason and despite his faults and drinking, etc, the dude probably really loves you.

If you are really unsure about the wedding sit down and make a pro/con list if you haven't already. Worst case scenario he turns into a horrible drunk and becomes abusive you get the marriage annulled.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I like the advice of waiting a long time before we have kids. We have our pre-nups, pre-canaan and weekly therapy sessions so we have a lot of support structures in place if/when things go bad. I'm really worried about a general lack of respect and civility.

What do you mean lack of civility? Not kissing you hello or screaming at you etc.?

Yes both of these sometimes. Not to make excuses but we both have high stress jobs.

My husband is starting his own law firm with a law school friend of his. Highly stressful. I work at a famous company and have a long commute. We have two young kids, one of whom has special needs and has twice-a-week therapy. I don't think DH has EVER screamed at me. I've known him for 12 years. Sometimes he says hello but doesn't kiss me hello right away (he may have toddlers climbing on him and a dog barking to be taken out). I would NEVER stand for being screamed at.

Oh, hell, no! Screaming?! I second the PP. 2 kids under 5, high stress jobs, lots of student debt, crazy commute, no nearby family support, snow days/sick days/insane days...NEVER, EVER screaming. RUN. Seriously, run.

x2

When people say no boyfriend/fiancé/DH is perfect they mean -- he never puts his socks in the hamper; he returns phone calls 5 days late; he can't cook or do home repair. They don't mean - he screams at me and isn't generally nice to people and NEEDS to drink to be nice. Those are signs of deeper issues.

Honestly - screaming or any kind of anger or temper problem makes me nervous. At best once he puts the wedding band on, he turns into the kind of DH that you have to tiptoe around to not upset him. At worst - he turns into an abuser. The screaming combined with the need to drink in order to be nice is a bad sign.

And I agree with the PPs - the first yr of dating w no kids/single parent issues is blissful happiness. If he's already screaming and you're already in therapy -- do you think it'll get better?

For the family members w mixed emotions - what have they said to you about him?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I like the advice of waiting a long time before we have kids. We have our pre-nups, pre-canaan and weekly therapy sessions so we have a lot of support structures in place if/when things go bad. I'm really worried about a general lack of respect and civility.

What do you mean lack of civility? Not kissing you hello or screaming at you etc.?

Yes both of these sometimes. Not to make excuses but we both have high stress jobs.

My husband is starting his own law firm with a law school friend of his. Highly stressful. I work at a famous company and have a long commute. We have two young kids, one of whom has special needs and has twice-a-week therapy. I don't think DH has EVER screamed at me. I've known him for 12 years. Sometimes he says hello but doesn't kiss me hello right away (he may have toddlers climbing on him and a dog barking to be taken out). I would NEVER stand for being screamed at.

Oh, hell, no! Screaming?! I second the PP. 2 kids under 5, high stress jobs, lots of student debt, crazy commute, no nearby family support, snow days/sick days/insane days...NEVER, EVER screaming. RUN. Seriously, run.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I like the advice of waiting a long time before we have kids. We have our pre-nups, pre-canaan and weekly therapy sessions so we have a lot of support structures in place if/when things go bad. I'm really worried about a general lack of respect and civility.

What do you mean lack of civility? Not kissing you hello or screaming at you etc.?

Yes both of these sometimes. Not to make excuses but we both have high stress jobs.

My husband is starting his own law firm with a law school friend of his. Highly stressful. I work at a famous company and have a long commute. We have two young kids, one of whom has special needs and has twice-a-week therapy. I don't think DH has EVER screamed at me. I've known him for 12 years. Sometimes he says hello but doesn't kiss me hello right away (he may have toddlers climbing on him and a dog barking to be taken out). I would NEVER stand for being screamed at.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What would your friends and family say about your relationship?

Some think it's a great relationship; but some feel like my fiancé rubs them the wrong way.

When tell my family about cold feet, they dismiss it and think he's a great guy.

Not ONE person said this about my fiancé. Not one. Everyone commented on how much he clearly loved me, how his face lit up when he talked about me, etc. Not one person expressed doubts or worry. Listen to this. Delay the wedding. Yes, it'll be a big mess but easier than getting divorced.

Have you run a background check on him?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I like the advice of waiting a long time before we have kids. We have our pre-nups, pre-canaan and weekly therapy sessions so we have a lot of support structures in place if/when things go bad. I'm really worried about a general lack of respect and civility.

Oh honey.

+1000

Not everyone goes into a marriage thinking the other person is perfect but most (or, rather, most that end up successful) go into it with some sense that it is what they want and that the imperfect person is who they want to be with for the rest of their lives. One year in, no kids, pre-marriage...I would be running the other way if I already needed weekly therapy sessions. A year in, most people are still in a complete state of honeymoon blindness. So, that's kind of not great.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I like the advice of waiting a long time before we have kids. We have our pre-nups, pre-canaan and weekly therapy sessions so we have a lot of support structures in place if/when things go bad. I'm really worried about a general lack of respect and civility.

What do you mean lack of civility? Not kissing you hello or screaming at you etc.?

Yes both of these sometimes. Not to make excuses but we both have high stress jobs.

These things don't get better with time, especially considering you've already done counseling.

Lots of people have high stress jobs - doesn't mean they scream at their fiancé or refuse to kiss hello. What kind of high stress job if you're willing to say? Is this going to turn into one of those things where he'll scream at you and the kids for life and be rude to everyone else and if you say something you'll get -- you don't get what my life is like bc of me we live in a 6 million home so I've provided you with enough -- you can't demand that I be nice or kiss you on top if that?!

Can I ask why this hit you now as opposed to say 3 months ago? Did you witness some behavior that makes you worry even more?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I like the advice of waiting a long time before we have kids. We have our pre-nups, pre-canaan and weekly therapy sessions so we have a lot of support structures in place if/when things go bad. I'm really worried about a general lack of respect and civility.

What do you mean lack of civility? Not kissing you hello or screaming at you etc.?

Yes both of these sometimes. Not to make excuses but we both have high stress jobs.

These things don't get better with time, especially considering you've already done counseling.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I like the advice of waiting a long time before we have kids. We have our pre-nups, pre-canaan and weekly therapy sessions so we have a lot of support structures in place if/when things go bad. I'm really worried about a general lack of respect and civility.

What do you mean lack of civility? Not kissing you hello or screaming at you etc.?

Yes both of these sometimes. Not to make excuses but we both have high stress jobs.

Anonymous wrote:I like the advice of waiting a long time before we have kids. We have our pre-nups, pre-canaan and weekly therapy sessions so we have a lot of support structures in place if/when things go bad. I'm really worried about a general lack of respect and civility.

Your gut is telling you something. End the worries. Run like the wind.

Best wishes.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I like the advice of waiting a long time before we have kids. We have our pre-nups, pre-canaan and weekly therapy sessions so we have a lot of support structures in place if/when things go bad. I'm really worried about a general lack of respect and civility.

Oh honey.

Yeesh, reading this made me sad.

Anonymous wrote:I like the advice of waiting a long time before we have kids. We have our pre-nups, pre-canaan and weekly therapy sessions so we have a lot of support structures in place if/when things go bad. I'm really worried about a general lack of respect and civility.

What do you mean lack of civility? Not kissing you hello or screaming at you etc.?