Anonymous wrote:Isn't it funny that people who are divorced and in unhappy marriages encourage the OP to divorce, and those in happy marriages or marriages that has seen its share of ups and downs are encouraging her to give the marriage a chance.

Op needs validation from internet strangers? Good luck to her!

Yep. Misery loves company.

Isn't it funny that people who are divorced and in unhappy marriages encourage the OP to divorce, and those in happy marriages or marriages that has seen its share of ups and downs are encouraging her to give the marriage a chance.

Op needs validation from internet strangers? Good luck to her!

You've gotten some good advice, OP. I'm just here to tell you that it can be alright. I agonized for years over the decision to call it quits and am 100% certain it was the right decision. We've been cooperative and positive with the kids, did some family therapy with them for a while, and they are just fine.

It's been like a cloud over my head finally dissipated. Even if I'm sometimes alone, it's much better to be by myself than lonely in a dead marriage. People who haven't lived that kind of dreadfulness have no idea, how awful it can feel. I have no regrets.

You will be fine. Good luck.

This. A lot of people big on the idea of making it work no matter how miserable you are, don't know what you are going through. Even though I did work things out in the end when I was close to calling it quits with my DH. I still recommend to every couple if you tried everything do NOT stay for the kids only. My parents should have divorced! They were SO bad together. They were the example I had for a relationship and was is horrible relationships for the longest time. I ended up having to go for therapy in college.

OP,

It is normal to fall in and out of love with your spouse, so I am not sure that you need to be encouraged to divorce based on what you have written.

If there is adultery, abuse or addiction - divorce him.

Anonymous wrote:I for one have your back OP. If its comfortable to you, then do it.

In the end you only have one life to live and you might as well make the most of it - by getting rid of dead weight and moving on to happier times. Divorce sure isn't easy, but worth it in my book.

And it sounds like you guys communicate so your unhappiness can't be a surprise to him.

Cheers to you OP!

+1
I'm also pulling for you OP!

I mean - I'd rather have Nothing than a Shit Something.

ooops!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You go girl OP! You deserve to be happy. Your kids deserve to see you be happy. Your kids need to see a loving relationship - Not fake happiness.

I consulted a lawyer. I went through my EAP at work which got me an intial consultation. From there I learned what kind of apartment I should rent, how close etc etc. If your H thinks there is no problem, he will figure it out once you move out.

Be prepared that you will have to be the one to move out. Believe me, confronting my ex H about our issues went on deaf ears. Had I not the balls to move out and on with my life, I gaurantee I'd still be in living in a unhappy marriage struggling to show the real world and to my daughter that really I was happy living a life of BS. No thanks!

Just just cuz you had kids with the guy doesn't 'mean you have to stay with him if you are unhappy and he refuses to think there is a problem. You matter, your feelings matter, bottom line.

Good luck! You can do it!

And how did things fair for you when you moved out? Bet those were some lean times. You say things like "you go girl OP" like this is the next generation women's suffrage movement. You also place an emphasis on OP's happiness over the overall wellness of the family. How about when OP's kids need their daddy to throw a baseball or just be the male figure around the house? OP should focus on solving the issues and try again to have DH see the value of preserving the marriage. I feel so horrible being the jerk and trying to say that OP's happiness is not as important as preserving a family unit but that's life and children need to parents. Unless their is physical abuse or drug/alcohol issues I would do whatever is necessary to make the union work.

LOL - my daughter got a father the day I moved out - because he had to be. That's the best part of it for her. In my case, my ex had checked out, became a complete narrassitic asshole who when out until 3am with buddies. He wanted out but didn't have the balls to do it. He pretty much was as mean to me as possible so I would do it. We both wanted out but he couldn't fathom not having the "status" of a happy home. I was suffocating in that house. And I'm so happy I can finally live how I want to. In the end, we still parent completely different, and several things he's done in regards to my daughter is questionable for sure, but I'm happy to tell my daughter that if she is ever in a bad relationship where she isn't being treated how she should be, she can leave. Personally, I think marriage keeps couples together a lot longer than need be, especially if both are unhappy. There were a lot of other issues, but at the end of the day, the dude couldn't communicate in a mature manner and everything, was my fault. And if I was upset with him squirting water in my face because it was more important to get on the metro to meet a buddy out, silly me, he was just kidding, or I was just being too sensitve. Nope. I was completely disrespected as a human. And LOL before we had our daughter, he made me go to sex couseling, because it was never enough for him. Turns out, now that I'm free, I love sex! But a dude that can't communicate doesn't turn me on. And it was never my wifely duty to get him off when he was being a prick.

So, yeah, in my case, not physical abuse per se, but definite emotional abuse. There was a reason I was married and had the strength to walk way. I'm very proud of myself. And shit, Ive so much fun in the 3 years I've been out. Having the freedom to be who I want to be without constant judgement is completely worth it. If you are not being treated with respect then what's the point? No one is perfect, but it takes maturity to be able to discuss a relationship. Turns out as I matured, my ex reverted to a 14 year old boy.

And for the record, I am still the one that gives her experiences. I've taken her to Disney 2 times all by myself. A place that my ex swore wouldn't go to. I didn't want to either, but guess what, you do what you do for your kids. I know I'm a GREAT mom to my girl.

As I say, I'd rather have Nothing and a Shit Something.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You put on your big girl pants and think of the two kids you had with this man.

Yep. Think about how you are modeling a shitty marriage that they are likely to replicate someday. Good luck OP, you can do this.

No. You think about how you model improving a marriage. You don't just walk away because today you aren't feeling it. You have two innocent souls involved who need you to fix this rather than destroy their world,

A marriage where one person refuses to acknowledge or work on solving problems can't be improved.

Is he in the same place OP? (Meaning generally at peace with divorce being the way forward, good will towards you but wanting something better, etc...)

If so, then the two of you can do this together, peacefully and with visible care for each other. That will help your children.

I saw a couple do this unbelievably well with two young children. They treated each other with such decency and respect, and they found a way to maintain things for the kids so the family unit still exists (everyone had Sunday dinner together for years, regardless of the status of the separation, divorce, new relationships, etc...). They also went to therapy individually and as a family and maintained that (to a more limited extent) for quite a while even when things were calm.

If you can do this peaceably and with love towards your soon to be ex, you will be giving your children (and each other) a huge gift.

Good luck.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You go girl OP! You deserve to be happy. Your kids deserve to see you be happy. Your kids need to see a loving relationship - Not fake happiness.

I consulted a lawyer. I went through my EAP at work which got me an intial consultation. From there I learned what kind of apartment I should rent, how close etc etc. If your H thinks there is no problem, he will figure it out once you move out.

Be prepared that you will have to be the one to move out. Believe me, confronting my ex H about our issues went on deaf ears. Had I not the balls to move out and on with my life, I gaurantee I'd still be in living in a unhappy marriage struggling to show the real world and to my daughter that really I was happy living a life of BS. No thanks!

Just just cuz you had kids with the guy doesn't 'mean you have to stay with him if you are unhappy and he refuses to think there is a problem. You matter, your feelings matter, bottom line.

Good luck! You can do it!

And how did things fair for you when you moved out? Bet those were some lean times. You say things like "you go girl OP" like this is the next generation women's suffrage movement. You also place an emphasis on OP's happiness over the overall wellness of the family. How about when OP's kids need their daddy to throw a baseball or just be the male figure around the house? OP should focus on solving the issues and try again to have DH see the value of preserving the marriage. I feel so horrible being the jerk and trying to say that OP's happiness is not as important as preserving a family unit but that's life and children need to parents. Unless their is physical abuse or drug/alcohol issues I would do whatever is necessary to make the union work.

One person can't do it alone, and it sounds like he's not willing to do what it takes. Good luck, OP.

You've gotten some good advice, OP. I'm just here to tell you that it can be alright. I agonized for years over the decision to call it quits and am 100% certain it was the right decision. We've been cooperative and positive with the kids, did some family therapy with them for a while, and they are just fine.

It's been like a cloud over my head finally dissipated. Even if I'm sometimes alone, it's much better to be by myself than lonely in a dead marriage. People who haven't lived that kind of dreadfulness have no idea, how awful it can feel. I have no regrets.

You will be fine. Good luck.

Anonymous wrote:You go girl OP! You deserve to be happy. Your kids deserve to see you be happy. Your kids need to see a loving relationship - Not fake happiness.

I consulted a lawyer. I went through my EAP at work which got me an intial consultation. From there I learned what kind of apartment I should rent, how close etc etc. If your H thinks there is no problem, he will figure it out once you move out.

Be prepared that you will have to be the one to move out. Believe me, confronting my ex H about our issues went on deaf ears. Had I not the balls to move out and on with my life, I gaurantee I'd still be in living in a unhappy marriage struggling to show the real world and to my daughter that really I was happy living a life of BS. No thanks!

Just just cuz you had kids with the guy doesn't 'mean you have to stay with him if you are unhappy and he refuses to think there is a problem. You matter, your feelings matter, bottom line.

Good luck! You can do it!

And how did things fair for you when you moved out? Bet those were some lean times. You say things like "you go girl OP" like this is the next generation women's suffrage movement. You also place an emphasis on OP's happiness over the overall wellness of the family. How about when OP's kids need their daddy to throw a baseball or just be the male figure around the house? OP should focus on solving the issues and try again to have DH see the value of preserving the marriage. I feel so horrible being the jerk and trying to say that OP's happiness is not as important as preserving a family unit but that's life and children need to parents. Unless their is physical abuse or drug/alcohol issues I would do whatever is necessary to make the union work.

Anonymous wrote:Left means life, you took a vow for better or worse. Make it better, focus on him and his needs be the best wife you can be.

How is the weather in Stepford today? I didn't realize you guys finally got internet service?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You put on your big girl pants and think of the two kids you had with this man.

Yep. Think about how you are modeling a shitty marriage that they are likely to replicate someday. Good luck OP, you can do this.

No. You think about how you model improving a marriage. You don't just walk away because today you aren't feeling it. You have two innocent souls involved who need you to fix this rather than destroy their world,

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No one is blaming you for anything, OP. You are veeeerrrrryyyy defensive. Just trying to caution you that your husband might not be as upbeat and positive about the divorce as you are. Some otherwise fabulous people go batshit crazy in the midst of divorce. They fight over the dumbest things. And some folks resent the person who initiates the process.

You are right. I am defensive after some of the previous posts. And you're right that I don't know how it will actually be in the middle of the divorce. I am hoping for the best solution for everyone.

And what people are telling you is "hope for the best, but prepare for the worse." You sounds really naive, OP. Some who've BTDT are trying to help you cover your ass. That's the advice you asked for, so LISTEN!

I am taking the good advice and leaving the judgemental comments behind.

Thank you for the advice.