Anonymous
02/18/2015 16:58
Subject: DW not in love anymore
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP again. Surreal is a good word. Just at a complete loss of what to do almost, and it's not like those things I know she wants are really going to fix anything. I'd be thrilled if they did, but I think if we get there she will look up and be in the same place.
She might not even have admitted this to herself.
Why not try doing those things she wants? I know you don't think they will help, and maybe they won't, but if you want your fix your marriage as much as you say you do, isn't it worth a try? It kind of feels like you're telling yourself this as an excuse so you don't have to actually do anything differently.
OP here. I will and more. It just hit me with a ton of bricks that even if I do everything she needs/wants to be in a position to get past things, there may not be any love waiting at the end.
Yes, but once you are divorced, you had better of learned to be a better partner, unless you want your next relationship to end up the same way. No time to start like the present. And really, she deserves for you to be a decent 50/50 partner, even if it ends up not reviving your dead marriage in the end.
+1
Anonymous
02/18/2015 15:13
Subject: Re:DW not in love anymore
I'm sorry OP. Don't give up and work hard to win her back if nothing else to say you tried your best.
Anonymous
02/18/2015 10:08
Subject: DW not in love anymore
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP again. Surreal is a good word. Just at a complete loss of what to do almost, and it's not like those things I know she wants are really going to fix anything. I'd be thrilled if they did, but I think if we get there she will look up and be in the same place.
She might not even have admitted this to herself.
Why not try doing those things she wants? I know you don't think they will help, and maybe they won't, but if you want your fix your marriage as much as you say you do, isn't it worth a try? It kind of feels like you're telling yourself this as an excuse so you don't have to actually do anything differently.
OP here. I will and more. It just hit me with a ton of bricks that even if I do everything she needs/wants to be in a position to get past things, there may not be any love waiting at the end.
There may not be. But you have to try. Sometimes the benefit of couples therapy is showing what went wrong in your relationship so you won't make the same mistakes in your next relationship.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=BFi03NwbtVc
Anonymous
02/18/2015 10:01
Subject: DW not in love anymore
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Why doesn't she trust you? What is it you're concerned she can't move on from?
OP here. It's not really that I'm concerned she can't move on from it (I'm concerned about that - but if she can't move on it probably will be my own failing), it's that I'm concerned that even if she does move on, it won't matter. She will be in a better place, reasonably happy, and.... still not love me. I guess I'm not really looking for advice, just crying out. But it seems I'm not the only one in this boat, which itself is helpful.
You're being pretty oblique here, OP. So again, why doesn't she trust you?
Anonymous
02/18/2015 09:31
Subject: DW not in love anymore
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Why doesn't she trust you? What is it you're concerned she can't move on from?
OP here. It's not really that I'm concerned she can't move on from it (I'm concerned about that - but if she can't move on it probably will be my own failing), it's that I'm concerned that even if she does move on, it won't matter. She will be in a better place, reasonably happy, and.... still not love me. I guess I'm not really looking for advice, just crying out. But it seems I'm not the only one in this boat, which itself is helpful.
Do you think you're trying too hard? If every mannerism and glance said, "love me! why don't you love me anymore?!" that could cause her to run. You want her love, not her pity. Why did she fall in love with you the first time? Were you funny, happy, goofy, serious, etc? I bet it wasn't whiny, loney, and depressed. Can you get back to your old self? Give her a reason to remember you and love you again.
Anonymous
02/18/2015 09:07
Subject: DW not in love anymore
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I am going through the same thing. It is actually surreal to say the least. We had such great times and she was so in love. After three kids and life over the last ten years she has so much bottled up resentment and can only focus on the negative. So sad.
I think this is true for a lot of DWs, sadly. I went through a period of this, too. The only way we got over this hump was for us to change our lives and for DH to realize that he was not the only one who had to give up some things after kids came along.
DW here. I am very resentful at my DH for the years of my shouldering the emotional burden of having a family. I woke up and realized that I do not have an equal partner. I don't want to lose my family, but I am questioningwhether this has sucked all of the love I ever had for DH. We are in therapy so only time will tell.
So many men do this. I am an unmarried, unpregnant young woman. But hearing about this happening time and time again seriously makes me wonder if the best route would be making a good amount of money and becoming a single mom. I cannot imagine the emotional loneliness of having to raise a child AND navigate the temper tantrums of a selfish DH.
NO, it would not, because it would not be best for the child. All this would do is further display your own level of self-centeredness.
Anonymous
02/18/2015 06:59
Subject: DW not in love anymore
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP again. Surreal is a good word. Just at a complete loss of what to do almost, and it's not like those things I know she wants are really going to fix anything. I'd be thrilled if they did, but I think if we get there she will look up and be in the same place.
She might not even have admitted this to herself.
Why not try doing those things she wants? I know you don't think they will help, and maybe they won't, but if you want your fix your marriage as much as you say you do, isn't it worth a try? It kind of feels like you're telling yourself this as an excuse so you don't have to actually do anything differently.
OP here. I will and more. It just hit me with a ton of bricks that even if I do everything she needs/wants to be in a position to get past things, there may not be any love waiting at the end.
Yes, but once you are divorced, you had better of learned to be a better partner, unless you want your next relationship to end up the same way. No time to start like the present. And really, she deserves for you to be a decent 50/50 partner, even if it ends up not reviving your dead marriage in the end.
Anonymous
02/18/2015 05:23
Subject: DW not in love anymore
Many marriages are destroyed by adding children to the mix. There are plenty of husbands who do not share equally in the parenting, such that the wife builds resentment towards him. Lots of previous posters have already made this point.
Similarly, alot of wives have unrealistic expectations of parenting. They enter SuperMOM syndrome and direct their entire 100% focus and energy on the kids, ignoring even their own basic need, any legitimate needs of the marriage, and any legitimate needs of husband. As in the first scenario, these wives build resentment that the husband is not "sharing equally" as a parent, although he may in fact be doing a perfectly great job as a father/parent and by objective standards he may be doing more than 50% of what it actually should require, this of course falls short of SuperMOM's insatiable parenting standards.
Similarly, alot of wives have unrealistic expectations of parenting. They enter SuperMOM syndrome and direct their entire 100% focus and energy on the kids, ignoring even their own basic need, any legitimate needs of the marriage, and any legitimate needs of husband. As in the first scenario, these wives build resentment that the husband is not "sharing equally" as a parent, although he may in fact be doing a perfectly great job as a father/parent and by objective standards he may be doing more than 50% of what it actually should require, this of course falls short of SuperMOM's insatiable parenting standards.
Anonymous
02/18/2015 04:04
Subject: DW not in love anymore
I know this might seem unconventional, but I've heard ecstasy can really help flip a switch back on with some couples. You might also want to try a different therapist - I've been through some stuff and re establishing a connection with DH was tough but that was our therapist's whole focus. Talking about the past and trying to fix current issues helps, but it's a slow drain in many marriages. It almost ends up seeming like losing this person is inevitable, and so it becomes reality.
Anonymous
02/18/2015 03:44
Subject: DW not in love anymore
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP again. Surreal is a good word. Just at a complete loss of what to do almost, and it's not like those things I know she wants are really going to fix anything. I'd be thrilled if they did, but I think if we get there she will look up and be in the same place.
She might not even have admitted this to herself.
Why not try doing those things she wants? I know you don't think they will help, and maybe they won't, but if you want your fix your marriage as much as you say you do, isn't it worth a try? It kind of feels like you're telling yourself this as an excuse so you don't have to actually do anything differently.
OP here. I will and more. It just hit me with a ton of bricks that even if I do everything she needs/wants to be in a position to get past things, there may not be any love waiting at the end.
Why don't you try. Better to try then not at all. Don't live with regret.
Anonymous
02/18/2015 03:18
Subject: DW not in love anymore
You reap what you sow. Go cry into your pillow.
Anonymous
02/18/2015 03:17
Subject: DW not in love anymore
Anonymous wrote:My sister checked out of her marriage like this. For ten years, prior to their divorce. She doesn't sound emotionally engaged. That's a bad sign for women. A good therapist would catch on to that instead of taking your money. When a woman won't engage to fix things, she's already gone.
I'm sorry, but that's how it is most the time. Ask another therapist by yourself - or make an appointment with this one and be frank.
I'm very sorry.
Agree that if she is not emotionally involved it's not a good sign. She's already gone.
Anonymous
02/18/2015 03:02
Subject: DW not in love anymore
I wish my dh would realize what you do. I've told him again and again but he doesn't care to change.
I'm tired of trying.
I'm tired of trying.
Anonymous
02/17/2015 21:30
Subject: DW not in love anymore
No one wants their marriage to end, especially when there is love still. I'm talking about caring about the other, that is always present, but love. The worst thing that can ever happen is letting the sexual part go, as that is literally one of the only things that separates relationships from friendships. I know some people (prob women) will say it doesn't matter, but it does. A LOT. Communication is another, not nagging, not yelling, communicating.
Anonymous
02/17/2015 21:17
Subject: DW not in love anymore
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Why doesn't she trust you? What is it you're concerned she can't move on from?
OP here. It's not really that I'm concerned she can't move on from it (I'm concerned about that - but if she can't move on it probably will be my own failing), it's that I'm concerned that even if she does move on, it won't matter. She will be in a better place, reasonably happy, and.... still not love me. I guess I'm not really looking for advice, just crying out. But it seems I'm not the only one in this boat, which itself is helpful.
But why the lack of trust? Did you lie to her? Cheat on her?
I think I understand (I am pp) I don't trust my husband to be a reliable, emotionally supportive partner. Is that what's going on with you OP?