Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you have a lot of specific ideas about how the children should be raised. If you disagree with all of your wife's choice you need to step up, stay home, negotiate, whatever it takes.
I'll add the obligatory phrase for this type of post, with one slight change.
Typical DCUM prince.

This is basically the issue.

When I was younger and talking to one of my buddies who divorced at a young age, he mentioned he learned how it was important to marry someone with the same background as you. Not necessarily in terms of demographics. But in terms of family background, religion, financial background, etc.

And I think it basically comes down to that. Where we just have a different set of values.

So I find myself repeating what my buddy told nowadays whenever talking about relationships.

I would also maybe add that depending where you are in life, that if you're not married in five years, then it's not meant to be and cut your losses and move on.

Also forgot to respond to an earlier post. My wife did have us go to premarital counseling but I think she went in with the idea that I'd change. But the fact is there is nothing wrong with me. As there is nothing wrong with her. Just different types of people with different values.

And again just to reiterate. I don't want to give the idea that my wife is a bad mom, even though I used to tell her this. We did have those issues but she's a lot better now. I'm just not the type of guy that forgets things.

Also for those who might be in relationships with their opposites. I'm not saying that those relationships won't work. As they say, love will perservere. Just my own situation.

And don't believe it if you don't want to but that's what happened with our first kid. With the first kid, I kept on telling her as long as she keeps trying the baby would have enough to eat with the colostrum. But she refused. It was my fault too because she did want to give him a bottle but I kept on insisting on trying to breast feed. If you don't try, the milk won't come in and like I mentioned in my previous post I was a little bit too diehard about the benefits of breastmilk. But after a while the baby became unresponsive and had to go back to the hospital.

With the second kid, we almost immediately went to the bottle to make sure the same thing didn't happen but she was also more receptive and proactive in trying to breastfeed the baby. The labor was a lot shorter as well and maybe didn't take as big of a toll on her body.

Uhhhhhh, wow. You are really something else. If my husband did this, he would not be my husband anymore.

OP, is there a possibility that your wife is focusing on her career in part to get away from conflict with you? If you guys divorce because of conflicts over raising children, your children will have to spend a lot of time with your wife being solely responsible for them/keeping them in daycare for longer than you would like. I also think taking care of young children's physical needs involves some sort of emotional connection as long as you are paying a little attention to them and not just playing on your phone while they eat.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You both are bitching about nothing and are really just complaining because you feel like you do more than the other.

Your kids will get older and you will realize that the earlier years are nothing but a blip on the radar. Raising kids isn't something that happens the first year, or the first three or even the first five. It's lifetime event. As your kids get older, the hands on physical stuff reduces and the real parenting begins.

I really do question whether you have kids. The emotional connection for a child begins very early on. OP wants to have a life that is family-focused starting from when the child is young, not when the child is older. I see nothing wrong with that.

OP - it just sounds like you two have different ideas of parenting and priorities in life. That's tough. Have you mentioned marriage counseling?

Yes, but you are failing to understand that the emotional connection is there to begin with and is innate. It only becomes an issue when parents actively seek to destroy it through emotional abuse or neglect - as in neglected meaning not providing a home, food, shelter, child care, etc. Going to the gym instead of hanging out with your 4 yr old isn't going to be enough to destroy an emotional connection.

Studies disagree with you. Love, support, emotional bonding, self reliance develop during the early years. Through parental contact. Babies brains are wired better and brighter the more skin contact they have with their parents. They are not a blip but the formative years for which the entire life's foundation is built. Kind of important.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And you couldn't feed the baby a bottle of formula?

This. Yes OP, you put too much emphasis on breast feeding here and your child went to NICU apparently just so you could prove a point.
I'm very sympathetic to the rest of your plight, but this incident was ridiculous.

Initially you said your wife does all of the 'physical things' for the kids- what does that mean? If she does ALL of the physical things, could that be why she is exhausted? Or do you mean you both do the 'physical' care for the kids and she is completely absent emotionally?

Not OP... but I think parents can do all the physical caring for the kids, like feeding, bathing, etc.. but not the emotional caring, like taking time out and spending one/one quality time, talking, playing. Think of it this way, kids in orphanages get physically taken care of (mostly), but not necessarily emotionally because the parental bond isn't there, and also of course, the workers have too many kids to take care of.

I think most kids don't care if you have the best dinner, clean clothes, etc... but they do care about a parent being emotionally available to them. Not saying as parents we shouldn't clean their clothes or have nutritious dinners, but to a child, the emotional part of parenting is what they value most so long as their basic physical needs are met, too. My kids don't care if I serve them a vegetable with dinner every night (I do), but they do care if I don't make the time to talk/listen to them.

I 100% agree with you on all of this. I do think that when absolutely all of the physical care falls to one parent though, it may be harder for them to also be present emotionally than if the physical work is shared. That's why I was curious about whether or not all of the physical load was truly on her.

Anonymous wrote:OP, I could have written this about my husband. People don't get it. My husband is finishing a master's degree which will has done zero for his career, pure ego. He chose to start this 4-year process when our daughter was 1. He's missed so much. But he never misses the gym!! Every single day, he goes to the gym. I had a conversation with him when I was pregnant saying, "Please rearrange your schedule and don't go right after work so she's not lingering in daycare longer than necessary." (His schedule starts way earlier than mine and he's always been done at 3:30). Nope. Never once did he or has he sacrificed that time, and she has always been in daycare/preschool/aftercare until 5:30. I resent the shit out of him for that. He knows it, just doesn't care. He is his #1 priority and always will be.

I know of several friends like this.

I shake my head at a group of friends that all have young children - but go away monthly for weekends with the girls, out during the week with the girls, and never miss gym time which causes their children to be in childcare longer. Their husbands must be extraordinary. They are not SAHM - they work. I cannot IMAGINE all that "me" time and not being apart of my children's lives.

It seems so incredibly selfish.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And you couldn't feed the baby a bottle of formula?

This. Yes OP, you put too much emphasis on breast feeding here and your child went to NICU apparently just so you could prove a point.
I'm very sympathetic to the rest of your plight, but this incident was ridiculous.

Initially you said your wife does all of the 'physical things' for the kids- what does that mean? If she does ALL of the physical things, could that be why she is exhausted? Or do you mean you both do the 'physical' care for the kids and she is completely absent emotionally?

Not OP... but I think parents can do all the physical caring for the kids, like feeding, bathing, etc.. but not the emotional caring, like taking time out and spending one/one quality time, talking, playing. Think of it this way, kids in orphanages get physically taken care of (mostly), but not necessarily emotionally because the parental bond isn't there, and also of course, the workers have too many kids to take care of.

I think most kids don't care if you have the best dinner, clean clothes, etc... but they do care about a parent being emotionally available to them. Not saying as parents we shouldn't clean their clothes or have nutritious dinners, but to a child, the emotional part of parenting is what they value most so long as their basic physical needs are met, too. My kids don't care if I serve them a vegetable with dinner every night (I do), but they do care if I don't make the time to talk/listen to them.

OP here is part of your problem- you said that your wife "refused to feed" your first child and that is not true- she tried to feed him, just not the way you wanted her to. Instead of saying that straight out you try to vilify her with the "refused to feed" line. That's not accurate or fair. How can she possibly win with you when you are still telling the story that way?

Anonymous wrote:And you couldn't feed the baby a bottle of formula?

This. Yes OP, you put too much emphasis on breast feeding here and your child went to NICU apparently just so you could prove a point.
I'm very sympathetic to the rest of your plight, but this incident was ridiculous.

Initially you said your wife does all of the 'physical things' for the kids- what does that mean? If she does ALL of the physical things, could that be why she is exhausted? Or do you mean you both do the 'physical' care for the kids and she is completely absent emotionally?

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you have a lot of specific ideas about how the children should be raised. If you disagree with all of your wife's choice you need to step up, stay home, negotiate, whatever it takes.
I'll add the obligatory phrase for this type of post, with one slight change.
Typical DCUM prince.

This is basically the issue.

When I was younger and talking to one of my buddies who divorced at a young age, he mentioned he learned how it was important to marry someone with the same background as you. Not necessarily in terms of demographics. But in terms of family background, religion, financial background, etc.

And I think it basically comes down to that. Where we just have a different set of values.

So I find myself repeating what my buddy told nowadays whenever talking about relationships.

I would also maybe add that depending where you are in life, that if you're not married in five years, then it's not meant to be and cut your losses and move on.

Also forgot to respond to an earlier post. My wife did have us go to premarital counseling but I think she went in with the idea that I'd change. But the fact is there is nothing wrong with me. As there is nothing wrong with her. Just different types of people with different values.

And again just to reiterate. I don't want to give the idea that my wife is a bad mom, even though I used to tell her this. We did have those issues but she's a lot better now. I'm just not the type of guy that forgets things.

Also for those who might be in relationships with their opposites. I'm not saying that those relationships won't work. As they say, love will perservere. Just my own situation.

And don't believe it if you don't want to but that's what happened with our first kid. With the first kid, I kept on telling her as long as she keeps trying the baby would have enough to eat with the colostrum. But she refused. It was my fault too because she did want to give him a bottle but I kept on insisting on trying to breast feed. If you don't try, the milk won't come in and like I mentioned in my previous post I was a little bit too diehard about the benefits of breastmilk. But after a while the baby became unresponsive and had to go back to the hospital.

With the second kid, we almost immediately went to the bottle to make sure the same thing didn't happen but she was also more receptive and proactive in trying to breastfeed the baby. The labor was a lot shorter as well and maybe didn't take as big of a toll on her body.

So you loathe your wife OP. That's the issue. You don't like her, you don't respect her as a mother, you resent the choices she's made/making, you want a certain kind of lifestyle and a certain approach to parenting and you and she are not on the same page.

You have a serious marital problem. But your wife is not evil. I can easily see her side of this but mostly I see a marriage that does not have a solid foundation.

That you have to own your share of - you don't get to just slam your wife and be applauded. You married her and you had multiple children with her.

Grow up and own your role in this.

I call bullshit on the baby ending up in the NICU because he/she lost too much weight. My milk didn't come in until after I left the hospital with both kids. While in the hospital they got colostrum which is full of nutrients but almost no calories. For the first couple days, amniotic fluid keeps the baby "full." I was so damned scared that I was starving my babies when my milk didn't come in, but received tons of reassurance (from nurses and the pediatrician) that nature planned for it. On top of that, the docs and nurses would not have let it get that far.

I get the feeling you are a neurotic and controlling person. My guess is that it's your need to have everything "perfect" that is generating your emotions here.

It sounds like you have a lot of specific ideas about how the children should be raised. If you disagree with all of your wife's choice you need to step up, stay home, negotiate, whatever it takes.
I'll add the obligatory phrase for this type of post, with one slight change.
Typical DCUM prince.

Anonymous wrote:This is only semi-related, and I worry I may get crucified for this, but I don't see the big deal/worry about kids being in daycare a long time.

My wife and I both work and have commutes. Our two kids go to full time daycare, and while they aren't the first ones there, we're often part of the parental rush in the last 15 minutes of the day. I will fully admit, on telework days, I often take an hour at the end of the day to walk the dogs/watch a show and decompress before I go pick them up. On days where I've taken personal vacation, I send them off to daycare to have a day to myself.

Maybe my opinion is off on this, but I think they're better for it. They know who daddy is, we have a great time with each other, we play and watch cartoons and draw and do plenty on the weekend. Part of the reason I don't feel too bad is that we made some small monetary sacrifices to put them in a nice academic based daycare center. As a result, my daughter, four, and the older child, knows basic sign language (I know none) and may know more Spanish than I can remember from high school. They have tons of friends their age that they play, interact, and socialize with. They do science experiments, learn basic math, etc. They bring home tons of artwork. They have a playground. Frankly, they're probably doing better than they would if they were home with me or my wife all day.

I don't mean to make it sound like I want the daycare to handle my kids for me, it's not like that, but it's a great place for them, they still love us and play with us at night and on the weekends, and I don't think my parent-child relationship is suffering for it. I guess I'm not sure why parents are looked down upon for having careers and commutes and relying on these places to have some hand in raising their young ones.

OP here. No I agree with you on daycare.

Originally when my first kid was born I wanted my kid to have one on one attention. At first hoping my wife would stay at home for a little bit longer, like a lot of my coworkers did and have issues getting their wives to go back to work, and we tried a nanny for a while but it didn't work out.

So while at first I didn't like the idea of daycare have been extremely happy with it.

The daycare isn't one of those expensive ones or Montessori ones (which I originally wanted). Part of the reason why my wife picked it was for the price.

But it's been great. Just the daily interaction with the other kids makes it worth it. And the daycare provider tries to make it a learning environment too. So it's amazing to see the things he picked up, which I know he probably wouldn't have gotten at home.

With my first kid, I used to do something similar. Where I'd go home first and have half an hour to myself. Although a large part of it was heating up dinner. With two, it's just easier to pick them both up and go straight home. So don't have that personal time to myself anymore, but probably could if I tried.

This is only semi-related, and I worry I may get crucified for this, but I don't see the big deal/worry about kids being in daycare a long time.

My wife and I both work and have commutes. Our two kids go to full time daycare, and while they aren't the first ones there, we're often part of the parental rush in the last 15 minutes of the day. I will fully admit, on telework days, I often take an hour at the end of the day to walk the dogs/watch a show and decompress before I go pick them up. On days where I've taken personal vacation, I send them off to daycare to have a day to myself.

Maybe my opinion is off on this, but I think they're better for it. They know who daddy is, we have a great time with each other, we play and watch cartoons and draw and do plenty on the weekend. Part of the reason I don't feel too bad is that we made some small monetary sacrifices to put them in a nice academic based daycare center. As a result, my daughter, four, and the older child, knows basic sign language (I know none) and may know more Spanish than I can remember from high school. They have tons of friends their age that they play, interact, and socialize with. They do science experiments, learn basic math, etc. They bring home tons of artwork. They have a playground. Frankly, they're probably doing better than they would if they were home with me or my wife all day.

I don't mean to make it sound like I want the daycare to handle my kids for me, it's not like that, but it's a great place for them, they still love us and play with us at night and on the weekends, and I don't think my parent-child relationship is suffering for it. I guess I'm not sure why parents are looked down upon for having careers and commutes and relying on these places to have some hand in raising their young ones.

OP, what is his master's in and who is paying for it?