All you people whining about how the OP's mother lost a child need to realize that for all the history of mankind mothers have lost children and life still went on. It is only the last few generations where it became the norm for a woman not to have at least one child die. And the longer a mother lives nowadays the higher the chances are she will have one child die before she dies. The death of her son is absolutely no excuse for any behaviour past the one year mark. Either the mother is purposely stuck in her grief and refusing help or she is using it for manipulation. Either way it isn't the OPs fault and she is correct in calling her mother out for this. The OP needs to start living like her mother is dead and get on with her life. Mom certainly isn't needed.

I think evolutionarily it's best if parents die before the children are 30. If you still need your mommy or daddy at 30 years of age then you have a serious problem. There is far too much gone to even try to maintain a healthy relationship with someone who wiped your butt, saw your worst moments, probably left a few scars on your psyche and now expects you to be the adult in the relationship. OP, start living your life as if your mother is gone and things will drastically improve. If she calls, treat her like an old acquaintance whom you share some memories but don't need validation from. Then when your children are 30 remember any relationship you have with them is on their terms because frankly you did your job and aren't really needed anymore.

I am 52 and it was only last year that I became aware that my mother is a narcissist and my father is her enabler. As others have said, once I became aware of this everything, from early childhood to now, made sense. I have read many, many accounts from a wide range of people in a similar situation and have accepted that nothing is going to change. Rather than wasting any more time wishing I had a normal, close and loving relationship with them, I have taken the decision not to contact them and to to treat them as if they were dead. That may seem harsh but it is easier than thinking of them as alive and simply not having any feelings for me.

Finding ourselves in this situation is almost too incredulous to imagine and those who do not have narcissistic parents and enablers will simply not be able to understand. Unfortunately, this is very real and as the children of such situations (whatever our age) it is important we take back control of our lives and not let our situation impact negatively on our emotions and way we live our lives.

Luckily I have a loving husband and son, good friends and other members of the family I love and who love me.

Good luck to all in this situation and find your own way to make your life happy and fulfilled; it will never come from your narcissistic parent and their enabler.

OP, how old is your mom?

My mom used to honestly forget when and if she called people. She started to write lists with dates of when and who called and when she called. She just plain could not recall. Now my MIL is totally in that phase. I keep telling my DH to call his mom and he says it's worthless because she won't remember that he called anyway.

Anonymous wrote:I hope to God you never lose a child.
It is not like ordinary grief. Not like losing a parent or sibling. I really think you need to educate yourself on this. There's a book called "after the death of a child"

Just call your mom. Don't make love about tests.

This!!! Seriously, you’re thinking of cutting ties because she’s failing this stupid “phone call test” you’ve invented. Do you hear yourself? It is the sound of ridiculousness and stupidity.

My mom is like that and she lost my dad and my brother.

I decide what is a respectable amount to call her regardless of her disrespectful way of treating me.

I call once a month. I take her out for her birthday. I send her something for Mother's Day. I take her to lunch 2 other random times a year.

She is welcome to my house when I have our family over if she can get a ride.

I don't feel bad because she has mostly failed me as a mother, that is on her. I do enough to feel like a good daughter without feeling used and abused.

My dad is like this. No idea why. I have enough to focus on with my family, when I think of something he'd love to hear or feel like I want to say hi or have the kids say hi I call, so maybe twice a year. He doesn't call. They don't seem to lose sleep over this but because I can't change it I accept it and don't dwell on it.

I hope to God you never lose a child.
It is not like ordinary grief. Not like losing a parent or sibling. I really think you need to educate yourself on this. There's a book called "after the death of a child"

Just call your mom. Don't make love about tests.

You've lost a sibling and a parent, it sucks. I don't think you've done anything wrong OP. You're not being selfish or immature. Children don't stop needing parental love just because they're adults.

1. Accept you can't change her.

2. Accept she's happy as she is, even if she paradoxically emotes and lounges in her pain and suffering.

3. My mother practically always initiates calls. There will always be one person in a relationship that will want more contact than the other. This is how it is. It doesn't mean she doesn't love you!!!

OP, hugs. My parents rarely call me. Unlike some others on here, I know they love me and overall we're very involved parents. Since I moved away for college, they have this 'I don't want to bother you attitude'. When I call them, we can have really lengthy convos. Their attitude was great in my partying days, but when I had a breakdown (at least for me) at 25 - they had no idea. It was incredibly isolating - literally having no one check in on me. However, if I call them from the ER - my dad is freaking out and ready to jump on a plane.

Sorry about your relationship with your mom. Sometimes a parent can't get over a death of a child. I have 2 aunts who lost sons. One has passed too, and the other won't travel anywhere at all so that she doesn't miss visiting the grave.

It is too bad that rather on focusing on you and her grandkids she had chosen a different path, and not the one of recovery. From your post, I assume you are the only remaining child? Is she the type that doesn't want to intrude? Was she like this when you were younger? Was she attentive mom even if your brother was her favorite? If she as a decent person and this is just since your brother passed, she might not be able to overcome this tragedy on her own.
The answer to your questions, from my perspective, is that you should call her if you feel the need to call her. If after several calls of yours it seems like she isn't ever in the mood to talk and it is causing you pain, stop calling apart from holidays.

OP my mom is similar, she never, ever calls me. I talk to my dad weekly but talk to her maybe once every 3-4 months at most. She was always a hands-off mom, and she's an even more hands-off grandmother. It's very disappointing but it's who she is. I've just tried to detach as much as possible. Sometimes she still does stuff that stings, mostly when I slip up and invest myself/give a shit. My kids got one good grandparent on each side and I just figure they're luckier than kids who have no grandparents.

What does her reaction to your brother's death have to do with how often she calls? It sounds like you are jealous of your dead brother.

Applause for your courage in calling.

Love my parents too, until they revealed themselves clearly to be gold-diggers "...better provide and support financially otherwise you're nothing!" Those were the exact words from my father. Prior to this, I would call my dad daily and my mom weekly or biweekly. Over the past ten years, I had provided them all the attention they wanted as well as all the cash they craved for. Things changed after having my daughter but the spoiled habit I created made them dependent on me.

I made it clear with them, is there any emotional or physical support I could provide other than money? The answer was a big fat no. Devastating to hear and believe in to this day. Since then I never took the initiative to call until last week to both my parents. My mother hung up twice and my father had the highly untraceable attitude of reverting back to me if he could accept my invitation to my home dinner.

I had always taken the initiation to care, call and pamper for the past ten years. All the gold digging they done - I had enough. Especially when I told them, I had my financial troubles and couldn't provide them, they closed their door on me rejecting all they could to not being able to help a single penny at all. I understood, they had to save and provide for my elder brother in emergency and not for their younger daughter.

Back to your question, at least your mom would call you and text you. My mom never did for the past four months... not even my birthday. I only received a greeting message from my father on my birthday - attached with a long message telling me to pay taxes for him.

Some people are lucky and some aren't. I suppose you're one of the good ones as you haven't seen worse.