Anonymous wrote:OP, your DH and MIL and the family dynamic sound similar to mine. Mine are not "southern" or "old school" but they've got the "narcissistic mom" and the "child of an alcoholic father" pattern down to a T.

Here's what you've done wrong here: you've made it YOUR problem. You CARED. You cannot do this. It is what it is, it was like that before you came along, and it will be like that forever. You have to let it happen and just not involve yourself in it at all. MIL wants you to help with invites? Take a step back, b/c she's going to start playing some games. She is playing you b/c you are a normal person and you care. Really, you just have to live your life and control what you can control (your life, your children's life, your home, your relationship with your DH) and let all that other drama exist on some other plane out to the side, and don't any of it intermingle with any of the stuff you are in control of. Be as nice and as noncommittal as possible. It's tough, but eventually you get better at it. Even when my MIL compliments me now, I just say, "Thank you," and don't get pulled into her drama. She just uses it b/c the next time, she'll whiplash you with something mean or underhanded. Sorry, but that's just the way she is.

Anonymous wrote:What should I do about this weekend and my son's birthday? I really don't want these people at my house.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:thanks 10:44. I have the same issue. My FIL peed on the brand new carpet in my basement in front of my 7 year old cousin and her 3 year old brother. It scared them as they were playing in our playroom and he came downstairs, out of his mind drunk and started rummaging through snacks in the back storage room then unfastened his belt and pants. They were scared he was going to harm them.

My in laws are extremely judgemental so if someone else pulled this stuff they would keep talking about it.

My in laws live out of state so I don't know how I get feign illness for their party.

I can't stop crying this morning. I think that my husband was totally okay with throwing away $500 plus really irked me as well as how he always puts his mom, no matter how poorly behaved she acts first.

OP, you and your kids need you to stand up to your DH RIGHT NOW. It is completely unacceptable to have a drunk man pee in front of children. Of course the children were scared. This is completely unacceptable. (My dad was an alcoholic and I loved him dearly, but he would NEVER be staying overnight in my home if he had ever acted like this.)

FIRST, you need to tell your DH that under no circumstances will his parents be staying with you this weekend. If your MIL asks, you simply say, "Last time you stayed over here, FIL went to the basement, unfastened his pants, and peed in front of the children. You and FIL will be staying at a hotel in the future."

SECOND, I recommend that you write your MIL a snail mail letter to let her know how you feel. Keep it simple. "Dear Mrs. Smith, I am very hurt and disappointed that you chose to order invitations from a local printer after you know that I had put many hours of work and over $500 into ordering custom invitations. You approved the invitations before I ordered them. I had considered them a gift to you. Since you are not using them, I would appreciate it if you would reimburse me for the $517.97 that I paid to order them after your final approval. It is very frustrating to have spent so much time on a project, with your cooperation and encouragement, only to find out from DH that it was a complete waste of my time. Thank you for your consideration in reimbursing us for this expense."

THIRD, you know your MIL is a POS. Please let go of the need for her approval or cooperation or anything. She will never like you, and that is a GOOD thing. Keep as much emotional distance from her as possible. Stop doing nice things for her. Seriously, stop. You keep putting your head into an emotional buzzsaw and wondering why it hurts afterward. You can't control her. Just stop stop stop trying to get her to be someone she is not. She is horrible. You are not. Let her go.

FOURTH, I suggest individual counseling for you. If your DH would be open to it, that would be great, but it doesn't sound like he is in a place where he sees how bad his family is. For now, work on how to draw better boundaries to protect yourself and your family.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is she American or from another culture? Not that it excuses anything; I am just curious.

I would tell your husband that he's got issues that need to be worked out with you and his mother. His behavior is unacceptable, manipulative text 'apologies' not withstanding. The problem is that he's not likely to change, so you should put your foot down and not engage with this nonsense any longer. Let him deal with it next time. Maybe he will realize the crazy if it's his problem instead of yours.

WOW! I read the post and thought it has to be a White American person, because only they can be so insensitive. I am amused that you thought it was not!

Anonymous wrote:What should I do about this weekend and my son's birthday? I really don't want these people at my house.

Anonymous wrote:Is she American or from another culture? Not that it excuses anything; I am just curious.

I would tell your husband that he's got issues that need to be worked out with you and his mother. His behavior is unacceptable, manipulative text 'apologies' not withstanding. The problem is that he's not likely to change, so you should put your foot down and not engage with this nonsense any longer. Let him deal with it next time. Maybe he will realize the crazy if it's his problem instead of yours.

Anonymous wrote:I am from a big Irish Catholic family. We have our share of functioning alcoholics but we've all gone to therapy. My husband is exactly as 11:55 describes. He thinks he is Mr. Mom. My dad is an amazing father. Managing partner in a law firm, always at all of our school events and home with us every night, adoring and devoted to my mom throughout multiple types of cancer. My husband is a "nice guy" but I realize that there is a reason he was single. His behavior is so appaling to me I really am dreading going home.

They are staying at our house all week. I really do not feel like hosting them. They are critical and negative and I am looking forward to my son's party.

My husband really needs therapy. He and his family think since his dad went to outpatient rehad he is "cured". I have offered to go to Al-Anon with him and he refused. I have gone to therapy since being a teenager. My husband did premarital counseling for our respective churches but that is it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:thanks 10:44. I have the same issue. My FIL peed on the brand new carpet in my basement in front of my 7 year old cousin and her 3 year old brother. It scared them as they were playing in our playroom and he came downstairs, out of his mind drunk and started rummaging through snacks in the back storage room then unfastened his belt and pants. They were scared he was going to harm them.

My in laws are extremely judgemental so if someone else pulled this stuff they would keep talking about it.

My in laws live out of state so I don't know how I get feign illness for their party.

I can't stop crying this morning. I think that my husband was totally okay with throwing away $500 plus really irked me as well as how he always puts his mom, no matter how poorly behaved she acts first.

OP, you and your kids need you to stand up to your DH RIGHT NOW. It is completely unacceptable to have a drunk man pee in front of children. Of course the children were scared. This is completely unacceptable. (My dad was an alcoholic and I loved him dearly, but he would NEVER be staying overnight in my home if he had ever acted like this.)

FIRST, you need to tell your DH that under no circumstances will his parents be staying with you this weekend. If your MIL asks, you simply say, "Last time you stayed over here, FIL went to the basement, unfastened his pants, and peed in front of the children. You and FIL will be staying at a hotel in the future."

SECOND, I recommend that you write your MIL a snail mail letter to let her know how you feel. Keep it simple. "Dear Mrs. Smith, I am very hurt and disappointed that you chose to order invitations from a local printer after you know that I had put many hours of work and over $500 into ordering custom invitations. You approved the invitations before I ordered them. I had considered them a gift to you. Since you are not using them, I would appreciate it if you would reimburse me for the $517.97 that I paid to order them after your final approval. It is very frustrating to have spent so much time on a project, with your cooperation and encouragement, only to find out from DH that it was a complete waste of my time. Thank you for your consideration in reimbursing us for this expense."

THIRD, you know your MIL is a POS. Please let go of the need for her approval or cooperation or anything. She will never like you, and that is a GOOD thing. Keep as much emotional distance from her as possible. Stop doing nice things for her. Seriously, stop. You keep putting your head into an emotional buzzsaw and wondering why it hurts afterward. You can't control her. Just stop stop stop trying to get her to be someone she is not. She is horrible. You are not. Let her go.

FOURTH, I suggest individual counseling for you. If your DH would be open to it, that would be great, but it doesn't sound like he is in a place where he sees how bad his family is. For now, work on how to draw better boundaries to protect yourself and your family.

Anonymous wrote:thanks 10:44. I have the same issue. My FIL peed on the brand new carpet in my basement in front of my 7 year old cousin and her 3 year old brother. It scared them as they were playing in our playroom and he came downstairs, out of his mind drunk and started rummaging through snacks in the back storage room then unfastened his belt and pants. They were scared he was going to harm them.

My in laws are extremely judgemental so if someone else pulled this stuff they would keep talking about it.

My in laws live out of state so I don't know how I get feign illness for their party.

I can't stop crying this morning. I think that my husband was totally okay with throwing away $500 plus really irked me as well as how he always puts his mom, no matter how poorly behaved she acts first.

Anonymous wrote:What should I do about this weekend and my son's birthday? I really don't want these people at my house.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It was my idea to throw the party and celebrate.

Why on earth? Go to the party (it was your idea!). In the future, be polite but don't initiate.

Anonymous wrote:thanks 10:44. I have the same issue. My FIL peed on the brand new carpet in my basement in front of my 7 year old cousin and her 3 year old brother. It scared them as they were playing in our playroom and he came downstairs, out of his mind drunk and started rummaging through snacks in the back storage room then unfastened his belt and pants. They were scared he was going to harm them.
My in laws are extremely judgemental so if someone else pulled this stuff they would keep talking about it.

My in laws live out of state so I don't know how I get feign illness for their party.

I can't stop crying this morning. I think that my husband was totally okay with throwing away $500 plus really irked me as well as how he always puts his mom, no matter how poorly behaved she acts first.