Anonymous wrote:Hon, he's not a bully. Three year olds lack empathy, impulse control, and social skills. He's learning, and you are helping him learn. Throw away shame and help him do better next week.

Anonymous wrote:Holy cow OP, an almost 3yo can't be a bully - he can behave badly of course, but bullying involves intent to intimidate or emotionally damage another person. A 3yo may like pushing or hitting, but unless he's an extraordinary sociopath, he is not trying to torment another person. I wouldn't want my kids anywhere near a preschool that so wildly misunderstands toddler behavior.

Your son will be just fine! Many (most?) eyo boys go thru some kind of phase where they use their hands instead of their words. Qualified child are providers or early educators know this and have seen it a gazillion times before.

Anonymous wrote:My son is almost 3 and in an early preschool class with about 15 other 2 and 3 year olds. Yesterday he mentioned something to me in the car after pickup, about "Henry" and "push", and from what I could gather I thought he pushed Henry who had pushed him first. I told him we don't push people, it's not nice and it hurts them, and hurts their feelings and makes them sad.

Come to find out this morning when I dropped him off that he spent all day pushing around a smaller, presumably younger kid, Henry. She said he pushed him several times throughout the day and stood there and "watched him cry." She actually used the term bullying, and I don't disagree. We were standing there with Henry nearby, who took one look at my son and started crying. That broke my heart so much I almost cried myself.

So I stood there and told him that we don't push. It hurts people and hurts their feelings. Look, Henry is crying, he's scared. You don't like being scared do you? You don't push Henry, and you don't push anyone. Ms. So and So will tell me if you've been hurting your friends, and if you are, you will be in trouble at home.

It was very disappointing, and embarrassing, and my first thought is what are we doing wrong at home that he's learning that. Maybe he's learning it from seeing other kids? Maybe he got pushed by someone bigger a different time and doesn't know how to express it except push some other kid? It's a Montessori-esque program and my understanding is they don't do time out and things like that, she said when they caught him doing it they talked to him and said look, you made him sad, we don't hurt our friends, etc.



Should I be concerned here? Should I only be concerned if it keeps happening? He's a "typical" almost-3 year old boy -- gets into plenty of shenanigans at home, has his fair share of not listening to us/outright defiance of what we ask. Maybe I'm delusional and in denial and that's not typical, though?

The other thing is he has not been sleeping well the last week or so (though never a great sleeper, in general). Waking up a lot in the night saying he's scared of shadows, and waking up early in the morning before dawn thinking it's time to get up for the day. Perhaps it's related somehow?

Also, as I said to my husband when I returned home this morning after all of this, I think we need to be more aware of our consistency and how we discipline him at home. DH and I get so frustrated with my son for not listening we've definitely yelled at him, grabbed his arm when trying to get his attention, things that now seem childish and bad lessons in how to communicate with people that he's learning.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hon, he's not a bully. Three year olds lack empathy, impulse control, and social skills. He's learning, and you are helping him learn. Throw away shame and help him do better next week.

This is what I was trying to think of how to articulate, thank you PP.

OP, you are an attentive, concerned parent and you should be applauded for recognizing the problem and getting to work on it. I would seriously hesitate to label a 3 year old a "bully". They don't have the verbal skills to articulate, are still in the "me me me" phase developmentally, both which are totally normal

All of the above-- refine your home discipline measures so that you react more calmly. It's important to model good empathy and frustration control. I'm not saying that to judge- it's just that some kids are more sensitive to raised voices and adult frustration. My son acts out when DH and I show even a hint of tension. It makes him anxious- we didn't realize it until we traced his meltdowns to our interactions.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hon, he's not a bully. Three year olds lack empathy, impulse control, and social skills. He's learning, and you are helping him learn. Throw away shame and help him do better next week.

This is what I was trying to think of how to articulate, thank you PP.

OP, you are an attentive, concerned parent and you should be applauded for recognizing the problem and getting to work on it. I would seriously hesitate to label a 3 year old a "bully". They don't have the verbal skills to articulate, are still in the "me me me" phase developmentally, both which are totally normal

Anonymous wrote:Hon, he's not a bully. Three year olds lack empathy, impulse control, and social skills. He's learning, and you are helping him learn. Throw away shame and help him do better next week.

Anonymous wrote:OP here again, to the PPs talking about bully labeling and whether the school is the right fit - I don't necessarily disagree. I will be giving it more time, he has only been there a month or so, and seeing if there are any other issues.

The teacher is quite sweet, and she seems to be my son's favorite. Specifically she did say he was "bullying" rather than saying that he was "a bully", and I do believe there is a difference there. I won't keep dwelling on the label itself but the behaviors, which are inappropriate regardless of the label.

Thanks to all of you for sound advice, I appreciate it.