Anonymous
Post 01/28/2015 14:35     Subject: urrgh! I hate this woman
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Guys, easy. Don't roast me! FYI, that part of the world domestic violence is very common but divorce is not. I have helped my mom the best I can, if that makes me a selfish person I take it any day. The person I was ranting about is my sister.


You need:

1) Jesus

2) A wakeup call

3) Intervention

4) Education

5) A big freaking CLUE

And not necessarily in that order!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!




Hmmm ... maybe all except (1).
Anonymous
Post 01/28/2015 14:33     Subject: Re:urrgh! I hate this woman
OP, really think long and hard about the fact that your top priority in this whole tale is protecting your father's reputation to outsiders.

That is some toxic shit right there.
Anonymous
Post 01/28/2015 14:29     Subject: urrgh! I hate this woman
Anonymous wrote:Guys, easy. Don't roast me! FYI, that part of the world domestic violence is very common but divorce is not. I have helped my mom the best I can, if that makes me a selfish person I take it any day. The person I was ranting about is my sister.


You need:

1) Jesus

2) A wakeup call

3) Intervention

4) Education

5) A big freaking CLUE

And not necessarily in that order!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Anonymous
Post 01/28/2015 14:25     Subject: urrgh! I hate this woman
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I get it, OP. Your sister shouldn't have said a thing to anyone. These are your in-laws, not hers.


Exactly! Someone here is seeing my point.


Is that a reason to "hate" your sister and refer to her as "this woman."

Your parents sound screwy and have made you bear the burden of their mess. Release it. It's not your problem.


Maybe OP used harsh language, but remember, English isn't her first language. Her sister has now placed her in a difficult position with regards to her in-laws. Either she has to somehow manage to arrange a meeting from afar, which will upset her mother, or she has to tell her in-laws they've been deliberately misleading them because her parents are separated. And then the in-laws will be annoyed to have been lied to, and then OP has to explain the basis behind the separation, and that's not a good situation either. So I see it as very complicated. And all of this likely could have been avoided if the sister had kept her mouth shut.


I agree. Her sister didn't simply inform her father her inlaws would be in town. She's trying to arrange a date for a meeting. And she's not only ignoring the OP's wishes, but their mother's, too. The SIL shouldn't have anything to do with his - they aren't her inlaws! I'm guessing the sister is anxious to continue the charade because she is ashamed and so is butting into her sister's business.


Sorry I meant sister.
Anonymous
Post 01/28/2015 14:24     Subject: Re:urrgh! I hate this woman
14:22 here again. I do agree that telling the truth is the best course of action. What I was agreeing with is that the sister has now made that even more difficult when it's none of her business.
Anonymous
Post 01/28/2015 14:22     Subject: urrgh! I hate this woman
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I get it, OP. Your sister shouldn't have said a thing to anyone. These are your in-laws, not hers.


Exactly! Someone here is seeing my point.


Is that a reason to "hate" your sister and refer to her as "this woman."

Your parents sound screwy and have made you bear the burden of their mess. Release it. It's not your problem.


Maybe OP used harsh language, but remember, English isn't her first language. Her sister has now placed her in a difficult position with regards to her in-laws. Either she has to somehow manage to arrange a meeting from afar, which will upset her mother, or she has to tell her in-laws they've been deliberately misleading them because her parents are separated. And then the in-laws will be annoyed to have been lied to, and then OP has to explain the basis behind the separation, and that's not a good situation either. So I see it as very complicated. And all of this likely could have been avoided if the sister had kept her mouth shut.


I agree. Her sister didn't simply inform her father her inlaws would be in town. She's trying to arrange a date for a meeting. And she's not only ignoring the OP's wishes, but their mother's, too. The SIL shouldn't have anything to do with his - they aren't her inlaws! I'm guessing the sister is anxious to continue the charade because she is ashamed and so is butting into her sister's business.
Anonymous
Post 01/28/2015 14:22     Subject: urrgh! I hate this woman
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I get it, OP. Your sister shouldn't have said a thing to anyone. These are your in-laws, not hers.


Exactly! Someone here is seeing my point.


Is that a reason to "hate" your sister and refer to her as "this woman."

Your parents sound screwy and have made you bear the burden of their mess. Release it. It's not your problem.


Maybe OP used harsh language, but remember, English isn't her first language. Her sister has now placed her in a difficult position with regards to her in-laws. Either she has to somehow manage to arrange a meeting from afar, which will upset her mother, or she has to tell her in-laws they've been deliberately misleading them because her parents are separated. And then the in-laws will be annoyed to have been lied to, and then OP has to explain the basis behind the separation, and that's not a good situation either. So I see it as very complicated. And all of this likely could have been avoided if the sister had kept her mouth shut.


Why is it bad to explain the basis behind the separation? No graphic details needed. In that situation, only monsters would be annoyed to have been lied to.

The option is to keep lying forever (we all know how well that usually works) or just tell the goddamn truth.



Seriously.

OP, I am speaking from experience. You are adding a ton of stress into your life for the wrong reasons. Keeping secrets and lying hurt you. Your parents are adults and can make their own decisions. You do not need to protect or lie for them.
Anonymous
Post 01/28/2015 14:22     Subject: urrgh! I hate this woman
Anonymous wrote:Guys, easy. Don't roast me! FYI, that part of the world domestic violence is very common but divorce is not. I have helped my mom the best I can, if that makes me a selfish person I take it any day. The person I was ranting about is my sister.


You are not helping your mom if you are forcing her to spend time with someone who may kill her!
Anonymous
Post 01/28/2015 14:21     Subject: urrgh! I hate this woman
Eliminate the word "hate" from your vocabulary.

That's a good start.
Anonymous
Post 01/28/2015 14:20     Subject: urrgh! I hate this woman
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I get it, OP. Your sister shouldn't have said a thing to anyone. These are your in-laws, not hers.


Exactly! Someone here is seeing my point.


Is that a reason to "hate" your sister and refer to her as "this woman."

Your parents sound screwy and have made you bear the burden of their mess. Release it. It's not your problem.


Maybe OP used harsh language, but remember, English isn't her first language. Her sister has now placed her in a difficult position with regards to her in-laws. Either she has to somehow manage to arrange a meeting from afar, which will upset her mother, or she has to tell her in-laws they've been deliberately misleading them because her parents are separated. And then the in-laws will be annoyed to have been lied to, and then OP has to explain the basis behind the separation, and that's not a good situation either. So I see it as very complicated. And all of this likely could have been avoided if the sister had kept her mouth shut.


Why is it bad to explain the basis behind the separation? No graphic details needed. In that situation, only monsters would be annoyed to have been lied to.

The option is to keep lying forever (we all know how well that usually works) or just tell the goddamn truth.
Anonymous
Post 01/28/2015 14:19     Subject: urrgh! I hate this woman
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I get it, OP. Your sister shouldn't have said a thing to anyone. These are your in-laws, not hers.


Exactly! Someone here is seeing my point.


Is that a reason to "hate" your sister and refer to her as "this woman."

Your parents sound screwy and have made you bear the burden of their mess. Release it. It's not your problem.


Maybe OP used harsh language, but remember, English isn't her first language. Her sister has now placed her in a difficult position with regards to her in-laws. Either she has to somehow manage to arrange a meeting from afar, which will upset her mother, or she has to tell her in-laws they've been deliberately misleading them because her parents are separated. And then the in-laws will be annoyed to have been lied to, and then OP has to explain the basis behind the separation, and that's not a good situation either. So I see it as very complicated. And all of this likely could have been avoided if the sister had kept her mouth shut.


No. It's not complicated at all. It's only complicated because people are lying. Your parents have made poor decisions and they are dragging you into another one, OP.

Start telling the truth and stop apologizing for doing what you think is best, and things are much simpler in life.

She should call her inlaws in advance and let them know that her parents have decided to live apart. Etc etc as I said above.
Anonymous
Post 01/28/2015 14:17     Subject: urrgh! I hate this woman
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:* I meant to say we do not talk about it. I am not going to parade my dad as an abuser to my in-laws as much as I loathe what he made my mother go through and what we had to witness as children.


You don't need to go into the details of anything.

You are really over-reacting and focusing on the wrong issue here.



This.

The fact that your dad is an abuser is nothing to be ashamed of. The fact that your main priority is to cover this up and force your mother to be in a position where she feels like she has to cover it up and be in a situation that makes her uncomfortable is something to be very ashamed of.

Anonymous
Post 01/28/2015 14:17     Subject: urrgh! I hate this woman
I really can't believe you are considering cutting off your sister over this. She's a bit of a busybody or whatever, but she's not the cause of the problem.
Anonymous
Post 01/28/2015 14:16     Subject: urrgh! I hate this woman
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I get it, OP. Your sister shouldn't have said a thing to anyone. These are your in-laws, not hers.


Exactly! Someone here is seeing my point.


Is that a reason to "hate" your sister and refer to her as "this woman."

Your parents sound screwy and have made you bear the burden of their mess. Release it. It's not your problem.


Maybe OP used harsh language, but remember, English isn't her first language. Her sister has now placed her in a difficult position with regards to her in-laws. Either she has to somehow manage to arrange a meeting from afar, which will upset her mother, or she has to tell her in-laws they've been deliberately misleading them because her parents are separated. And then the in-laws will be annoyed to have been lied to, and then OP has to explain the basis behind the separation, and that's not a good situation either. So I see it as very complicated. And all of this likely could have been avoided if the sister had kept her mouth shut.
Anonymous
Post 01/28/2015 14:15     Subject: urrgh! I hate this woman
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:* I meant to say we do not talk about it. I am not going to parade my dad as an abuser to my in-laws as much as I loathe what he made my mother go through and what we had to witness as children.


You don't need to go into the details of anything.

You are really over-reacting and focusing on the wrong issue here.



How is it in-laws business especially if there is stigma associated with divorce?


You don't need to get into the pluses and minuses of divorce. If they ask about visiting your parents, you say, "My mother can be reached at _______. My father now lives at _________." If they ask about what happened, you say they've decided it is best for both of them to live apart. Done. It's only a problem if you make it one. There is a stigma associated with divorce in most cultures. Unless your inlaws are going to start stoning your parents or something idiotic like that, I don't understand why you're so worried. If they think less of your parents, that is their own problem.