Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it can be a valid question, in a try to remember the good in your spouse way. But usually when someone asks it on here, it's clear that the unspoken subtext is, it's your own fault you're in this mess, you shouldn't have married such a losers you were just desperate and overlooked x y and z.

Many of the problems I see cited here - other than outright abuse - essentially has to do with unrealistic expectations that one spouse expects from the other. I say unrealistic in the sense that some spouses are more inclined to take an active role in child rearing, helping out in the house, communicating, displaying empathy, being demonstrative, excessive spending, being short-tempered, etc.

Most of these apparent "shortcomings" can be identified during a relationship prior to marriage ...... the difference is that during courtship, one or the other partner seems willing to gloss over these problems because they have too much invested in the relationship and don't want to end it. But these areas of friction become magnified and less inclined to be overlooked or glossed over after a period of living together and the disillusionment commences and reaches a breaking point down the line.

So although it may not be constructive to ask why you married him/her, it is still very relevant because in most instances the signs were there but were not heeded.

Aside from abusive situations, some people also actively work to hide an issue or side of themself that they don't want a partner to know about. When evidence of that comes to light, it's shocking. The person you thought you were marrying isn't the person you married because you were deliberately deceived.

Which is why everyone should date for many years, until the sheen wears off and the everyday stresses come to light.

Anonymous wrote:I'm not one of the people who post that question, but I do think it's absolutely crazy that people get married after less than, say, 6 years of dating. So if pointing out how little people knew their spouses before getting married prevents someone else from making the same mistake, I think it's worthwhile.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it can be a valid question, in a try to remember the good in your spouse way. But usually when someone asks it on here, it's clear that the unspoken subtext is, it's your own fault you're in this mess, you shouldn't have married such a losers you were just desperate and overlooked x y and z.

Many of the problems I see cited here - other than outright abuse - essentially has to do with unrealistic expectations that one spouse expects from the other. I say unrealistic in the sense that some spouses are more inclined to take an active role in child rearing, helping out in the house, communicating, displaying empathy, being demonstrative, excessive spending, being short-tempered, etc.

Most of these apparent "shortcomings" can be identified during a relationship prior to marriage ...... the difference is that during courtship, one or the other partner seems willing to gloss over these problems because they have too much invested in the relationship and don't want to end it. But these areas of friction become magnified and less inclined to be overlooked or glossed over after a period of living together and the disillusionment commences and reaches a breaking point down the line.

So although it may not be constructive to ask why you married him/her, it is still very relevant because in most instances the signs were there but were not heeded.

Aside from abusive situations, some people also actively work to hide an issue or side of themself that they don't want a partner to know about. When evidence of that comes to light, it's shocking. The person you thought you were marrying isn't the person you married because you were deliberately deceived.

Which is why everyone should date for many years, until the sheen wears off and the everyday stresses come to light.

My husband and I dated for almost 4 years before we married. It was 11 years into our marriage when his deceptions came to light. Not coincidentally, they came to light after the stress of having a baby put a strain on our marriage. The dominoes fell, and I discovered what had been successfully hidden for many, many years. Not sure how dating for longer would have changed anything.

This. Sometimes you really don't know someone until you have a kid with them. There's not always a way to predict this. I too, wish posters would stop with this question.

Agreed.

Anonymous wrote:Totally agree. Annoying, passive aggressive, and disingenuous. 99% of the time it's asked to imply judgement and superiority, so I have to disagree with the PPs saying it's useful or could turn into self analysis or whatever. It annoys me mostly because it diverts from the main point of the thread, which is usually to offer real advice, support or encouragement to someone who's in some hellish situation. "Why did you marry him"? Oh, well, duh, I don't know, maybe because Im not as awesome as you are, not so incredibly talented at judging people or excellent in making good life decisions.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it can be a valid question, in a try to remember the good in your spouse way. But usually when someone asks it on here, it's clear that the unspoken subtext is, it's your own fault you're in this mess, you shouldn't have married such a losers you were just desperate and overlooked x y and z.

Many of the problems I see cited here - other than outright abuse - essentially has to do with unrealistic expectations that one spouse expects from the other. I say unrealistic in the sense that some spouses are more inclined to take an active role in child rearing, helping out in the house, communicating, displaying empathy, being demonstrative, excessive spending, being short-tempered, etc.

Most of these apparent "shortcomings" can be identified during a relationship prior to marriage ...... the difference is that during courtship, one or the other partner seems willing to gloss over these problems because they have too much invested in the relationship and don't want to end it. But these areas of friction become magnified and less inclined to be overlooked or glossed over after a period of living together and the disillusionment commences and reaches a breaking point down the line.

So although it may not be constructive to ask why you married him/her, it is still very relevant because in most instances the signs were there but were not heeded.

Aside from abusive situations, some people also actively work to hide an issue or side of themself that they don't want a partner to know about. When evidence of that comes to light, it's shocking. The person you thought you were marrying isn't the person you married because you were deliberately deceived.

Which is why everyone should date for many years, until the sheen wears off and the everyday stresses come to light.

My husband and I dated for almost 4 years before we married. It was 11 years into our marriage when his deceptions came to light. Not coincidentally, they came to light after the stress of having a baby put a strain on our marriage. The dominoes fell, and I discovered what had been successfully hidden for many, many years. Not sure how dating for longer would have changed anything.

This. Sometimes you really don't know someone until you have a kid with them. There's not always a way to predict this. I too, wish posters would stop with this question.

Anonymous wrote:I'm not one of the people who post that question, but I do think it's absolutely crazy that people get married after less than, say, 6 years of dating. So if pointing out how little people knew their spouses before getting married prevents someone else from making the same mistake, I think it's worthwhile.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it can be a valid question, in a try to remember the good in your spouse way. But usually when someone asks it on here, it's clear that the unspoken subtext is, it's your own fault you're in this mess, you shouldn't have married such a losers you were just desperate and overlooked x y and z.

Many of the problems I see cited here - other than outright abuse - essentially has to do with unrealistic expectations that one spouse expects from the other. I say unrealistic in the sense that some spouses are more inclined to take an active role in child rearing, helping out in the house, communicating, displaying empathy, being demonstrative, excessive spending, being short-tempered, etc.

Most of these apparent "shortcomings" can be identified during a relationship prior to marriage ...... the difference is that during courtship, one or the other partner seems willing to gloss over these problems because they have too much invested in the relationship and don't want to end it. But these areas of friction become magnified and less inclined to be overlooked or glossed over after a period of living together and the disillusionment commences and reaches a breaking point down the line.

So although it may not be constructive to ask why you married him/her, it is still very relevant because in most instances the signs were there but were not heeded.

Aside from abusive situations, some people also actively work to hide an issue or side of themself that they don't want a partner to know about. When evidence of that comes to light, it's shocking. The person you thought you were marrying isn't the person you married because you were deliberately deceived.

Which is why everyone should date for many years, until the sheen wears off and the everyday stresses come to light.

My husband and I dated for almost 4 years before we married. It was 11 years into our marriage when his deceptions came to light. Not coincidentally, they came to light after the stress of having a baby put a strain on our marriage. The dominoes fell, and I discovered what had been successfully hidden for many, many years. Not sure how dating for longer would have changed anything.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it can be a valid question, in a try to remember the good in your spouse way. But usually when someone asks it on here, it's clear that the unspoken subtext is, it's your own fault you're in this mess, you shouldn't have married such a losers you were just desperate and overlooked x y and z.

Many of the problems I see cited here - other than outright abuse - essentially has to do with unrealistic expectations that one spouse expects from the other. I say unrealistic in the sense that some spouses are more inclined to take an active role in child rearing, helping out in the house, communicating, displaying empathy, being demonstrative, excessive spending, being short-tempered, etc.

Most of these apparent "shortcomings" can be identified during a relationship prior to marriage ...... the difference is that during courtship, one or the other partner seems willing to gloss over these problems because they have too much invested in the relationship and don't want to end it. But these areas of friction become magnified and less inclined to be overlooked or glossed over after a period of living together and the disillusionment commences and reaches a breaking point down the line.

So although it may not be constructive to ask why you married him/her, it is still very relevant because in most instances the signs were there but were not heeded.

Aside from abusive situations, some people also actively work to hide an issue or side of themself that they don't want a partner to know about. When evidence of that comes to light, it's shocking. The person you thought you were marrying isn't the person you married because you were deliberately deceived.

Which is why everyone should date for many years, until the sheen wears off and the everyday stresses come to light.

My husband and I dated for almost 4 years before we married. It was 11 years into our marriage when his deceptions came to light. Not coincidentally, they came to light after the stress of having a baby put a strain on our marriage. The dominoes fell, and I discovered what had been successfully hidden for many, many years. Not sure how dating for longer would have changed anything.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it can be a valid question, in a try to remember the good in your spouse way. But usually when someone asks it on here, it's clear that the unspoken subtext is, it's your own fault you're in this mess, you shouldn't have married such a losers you were just desperate and overlooked x y and z.

Many of the problems I see cited here - other than outright abuse - essentially has to do with unrealistic expectations that one spouse expects from the other. I say unrealistic in the sense that some spouses are more inclined to take an active role in child rearing, helping out in the house, communicating, displaying empathy, being demonstrative, excessive spending, being short-tempered, etc.

Most of these apparent "shortcomings" can be identified during a relationship prior to marriage ...... the difference is that during courtship, one or the other partner seems willing to gloss over these problems because they have too much invested in the relationship and don't want to end it. But these areas of friction become magnified and less inclined to be overlooked or glossed over after a period of living together and the disillusionment commences and reaches a breaking point down the line.

So although it may not be constructive to ask why you married him/her, it is still very relevant because in most instances the signs were there but were not heeded.

Aside from abusive situations, some people also actively work to hide an issue or side of themself that they don't want a partner to know about. When evidence of that comes to light, it's shocking. The person you thought you were marrying isn't the person you married because you were deliberately deceived.

Which is why everyone should date for many years, until the sheen wears off and the everyday stresses come to light.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it can be a valid question, in a try to remember the good in your spouse way. But usually when someone asks it on here, it's clear that the unspoken subtext is, it's your own fault you're in this mess, you shouldn't have married such a losers you were just desperate and overlooked x y and z.

Many of the problems I see cited here - other than outright abuse - essentially has to do with unrealistic expectations that one spouse expects from the other. I say unrealistic in the sense that some spouses are more inclined to take an active role in child rearing, helping out in the house, communicating, displaying empathy, being demonstrative, excessive spending, being short-tempered, etc.

Most of these apparent "shortcomings" can be identified during a relationship prior to marriage ...... the difference is that during courtship, one or the other partner seems willing to gloss over these problems because they have too much invested in the relationship and don't want to end it. But these areas of friction become magnified and less inclined to be overlooked or glossed over after a period of living together and the disillusionment commences and reaches a breaking point down the line.

So although it may not be constructive to ask why you married him/her, it is still very relevant because in most instances the signs were there but were not heeded.

Aside from abusive situations, some people also actively work to hide an issue or side of themself that they don't want a partner to know about. When evidence of that comes to light, it's shocking. The person you thought you were marrying isn't the person you married because you were deliberately deceived.