Op here. What if your marriage was on the rocks before and then the spouse gets a chronic illness.

I think it's wrong to abandon a sick spouse.

But I don't necessarily think it's wrong to seak intimacy elsewhere in some cases.

I think there should be some kind of legal status, somewhere in between marriage and guardianship that obligates you to support a chronically ill spouse but allows you remarry without facing legal or social prejudice.

Anonymous wrote:I had a cousin who was married to a guy who developed MS. He became abusive due to his anger at losing mobility and began an affair with his home health aide who took care of him while his wife was at work to afford his health insurance, and all his health needs.

So she divorced him. I don't think she's wrong.

I agree - I was going to say that if the spouse was abusive / you were headed for divorce anyways for unrelated reasons, I could sympathize. But if the chronic illness in itself is the major reason for divorce that is pretty low.

I am sorry to the PP taking care of a quadriplegic DH with minimal support from his family. That sounds really tough.

From the earlier linked article:

A new study examines the role gender plays in partner abandonment after the diagnosis of a serious illness.

According to researchers, a woman is six times more likely to be separated or divorced soon after a diagnosis of cancer or multiple sclerosis than if a man in the relationship is the patient.

Jesus, guys, your sex is not looking too good. I had no idea the disparity was so stark.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is a difference between divorcing someone WITH an illness or BECAUSE OF an illness.

Maybe I read OP wrong, but where did it say it was because of the illness? For all we know, things were going bad and they were on the road to separation/divorce, and then his wife got a diagnosis.

It doesn't seem like you should have to stick it out because of bad timing. If you're sick, shouldn't you want someone there for you who isn't doing it begrudgingly, not wanting to be there?

Then there is no need to mention the illness.

I think there is, because regardless of the reasons, a spouse that leaves their sick wife/husband will be viewed as the asshole. IT doesn't matter if they already had papers drawn up prior to diagnosis. They're always gonna be the jerk that left their sick wife/husband.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is a difference between divorcing someone WITH an illness or BECAUSE OF an illness.

Maybe I read OP wrong, but where did it say it was because of the illness? For all we know, things were going bad and they were on the road to separation/divorce, and then his wife got a diagnosis.

It doesn't seem like you should have to stick it out because of bad timing. If you're sick, shouldn't you want someone there for you who isn't doing it begrudgingly, not wanting to be there?

Then there is no need to mention the illness.

When someone has a life altering illness, it is hard to separate what is a bad marriage and what is a marriage badly affected by an illness. At the very least, I would think a long-term spouse should agree to a long-term separation without divorce -- so that the person who is ill will have access to health insurance.

Anonymous wrote:There is a difference between divorcing someone WITH an illness or BECAUSE OF an illness.

Maybe I read OP wrong, but where did it say it was because of the illness? For all we know, things were going bad and they were on the road to separation/divorce, and then his wife got a diagnosis.

It doesn't seem like you should have to stick it out because of bad timing. If you're sick, shouldn't you want someone there for you who isn't doing it begrudgingly, not wanting to be there?

Then there is no need to mention the illness.

I would do what makes me happy. If I was miserable taking care of someone else, then I would either leave or put my spouse in a nursing home.

There is a difference between divorcing someone WITH an illness or BECAUSE OF an illness.

Maybe I read OP wrong, but where did it say it was because of the illness? For all we know, things were going bad and they were on the road to separation/divorce, and then his wife got a diagnosis.

It doesn't seem like you should have to stick it out because of bad timing. If you're sick, shouldn't you want someone there for you who isn't doing it begrudgingly, not wanting to be there?

That was a question I asked myself before DH and I got married. And I knew I would stay with him forever. I pictured him having to be cared for and I actually felt more love for him. He outweighs me by 60 or 70 pounds, so not sure I could physically do it, but I'd be there.

I worked with lots of MS patients at the time, and saw many marriages break up over the stress. It was probably about a 3 or 4:1 husbands leaving to wife leaving ratio, sadly.

Anonymous wrote:What if the chronic illness is a mental illness?

My DH suffers from debilitating anxiety and OCD. I often fantasize about what life would be like if I were on my own or married to someone who didn't completely catastrophize every little adversity. Any change in our lives - big or small, good or bad - triggers his anxiety. Therapy and medication help but it's still ever-present. Ultimately he's the man I love and he tries to be a supportive partner and parent, but some days he feels like an albatross. I'm sure I'd be judged for leaving him (I'd miss him, too).

You can't let this stop you from choosing happiness. Although in your case, it sounds like you do love your DH. If you didn't however, I wouldn't let what other people MAY or may not think stop me from leaving a miserable situation.

Anonymous wrote:Marriage vows don't mean a damn thing as is apparent from many threads on this forum.

It would be more appropriate to take a vow that you promise to stay together until you change your mind.

As my says: "I really believed the vows when I was saying them!"

My ex left me about two years after being diagnosed with a rare, extremely severe illness for which there is no cure. He's an ass. We had been married 20 years.

In most states you can not keep an ex-spouse on your insurance when you are divorced. It is illegal. Thank goodness for Obama's health care laws or I would never qualify for insurance. I am unable to work, so I can't get employer based insurance.

My ex was always very self-centered and a narcissist. My illness was inconvenient to him in almost every way. It's not surprising that he decided to leave. I can honestly say, Good Riddance.

What if the chronic illness is a mental illness?

My DH suffers from debilitating anxiety and OCD. I often fantasize about what life would be like if I were on my own or married to someone who didn't completely catastrophize every little adversity. Any change in our lives - big or small, good or bad - triggers his anxiety. Therapy and medication help but it's still ever-present. Ultimately he's the man I love and he tries to be a supportive partner and parent, but some days he feels like an albatross. I'm sure I'd be judged for leaving him (I'd miss him, too).

You only get one life. You need to do what makes you happy. Just try to be as compassionate as possible to your ex and make sure he/she has what they need.