Did your mother ask you to visit?

Hugs, OP. I know how hard this is. From my experience with nursing homes, there should be a social worker that you can speak with. That person may be able to tell you about low cost places to stay (the one my Gma was in had a room you could rent for like $25/night). She can also talk to you about what your options are for video chatting. The facility may already be set up for this. If not, do they have WiFi or an internet connection? You could get your mom an inexpensive tablet/smartphone and Skype with her. Hugs.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I assume you're flying out any of the DC-area airports. Which airport would you fly into?

Any of the Bay Area airports, preferably San Jose.

I can get us there for around $750, I already confirmed that I can stay with my friend, who has a lovely (clean) townhouse with an extra bedroom, and put the car on my credit card. It will take me longer to do what I wanted financially, but it won't break me. I think this is somewhat of a balance. It will mean I won't move in February, like I planned, but maybe May or later this summer. All bills will be paid, thankfully it's not that bad.

In between the snark and odd comments, there are a lot of good suggestions and thoughts here. Thank you again to those who suggest to take care of myself, and to do what it takes to see her. I will not feel better until I see her. We don't have a home church as a resource, but I will check on other closer housing options.

And the weird comment about hoping for a donation?!?!? Don't know where you got that idea. This is my life and it's the truth.

So glad you're going.

Even if you don't belong to a church and neither does your mum, I think it would still be worth it to ask churches in the area if they have a program that offers free or cheap accomodation in such cases. I think it's the least a true Christian could do to help you out and extend the hand of fellowship in such a case. Maybe you can find a place close to your mum's nursing home.

Speaking of which, does the nursing home have a chaplain? He'd be the first person I'd ask for help once I get there.

Anonymous wrote:I'll second the PP-- it's ok not to go.

I totally understand feeling like you need to be there for her- I'm in the same sort of situation myself. My mother lives hundreds of miles away, and there's no one for me to stay with when I visit. Money is tight on both sides. It's a struggle feeling guilty for not being there for her (I'm an only child).

But you have to take care of yourself.

Think about how you'll feel when you have to leave your mother. Will you still feel just as awful, except this time, on top of that awful you've put yourself into a precarious financial situation?

If it's not enough just to think of taking care of yourself, think about taking care of your DD. Do you have the resources to take care of her in an emergency?

It's totally awful, and in an ideal world you wouldn't have to worry about money. But you do.

I agree with the PP. OP, it really is okay if you decide not to go, although, I know that would not be an easy decision for you.

It's a tough dilemma. Your posts seemed unclear about her prognosis. My apologies if I'm incorrect. However, if this is the case, I would speak to her doctor(s) about her health status. You can easily get permission from your mother to have access to her medical records and to speak to her doctors directly. From personal experience, it's often difficult to find out what's going on when information is being passed along by family members. You need a more direct line of communication with her medical providers. The nursing home will have a social worker who can assist you with this. It's his or her job to help with exactly that kind of task. Yes, your mother is sickly, but she's still relatively young. As you probably know, entering a nursing home is not a death sentence. It just means that the person is sick enough to need care that cannot be provided at home, and yet, she is not sick enough to be in the hospital. This could be chronic illness, and she may linger for quite some time. I would try to get a clearer picture to ease your anxiety. It may help you in your decision making and the urgency of a visit.

If you decide to visit, you could keep your trip very short in order to keep the expense manageable. Again, from my own perspective and experiences, I don't believe it's always necessary to spend a significant amount of time visiting. Depending on your mother's personality and state of mind, she may not want you holding vigil by her bedside for an extended time. What we sometimes think a very sick person would want is not always what they actually want. If you could visit for a two-night stay with only you traveling and not your DD, you may be better able to afford it. Perhaps, your ex or a friend would be willing to watch your daughter for 2-3 days or divide the time between them. Also, if you decide to take your DD, it's probably not in her best interest to have her sitting in the nursing home all day, so a short trip may be better for her, too.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's never easy, but your circumstances make it especially tough on you.

Anonymous wrote:I assume you're flying out any of the DC-area airports. Which airport would you fly into?

Any of the Bay Area airports, preferably San Jose.

I can get us there for around $750, I already confirmed that I can stay with my friend, who has a lovely (clean) townhouse with an extra bedroom, and put the car on my credit card. It will take me longer to do what I wanted financially, but it won't break me. I think this is somewhat of a balance. It will mean I won't move in February, like I planned, but maybe May or later this summer. All bills will be paid, thankfully it's not that bad.

In between the snark and odd comments, there are a lot of good suggestions and thoughts here. Thank you again to those who suggest to take care of myself, and to do what it takes to see her. I will not feel better until I see her. We don't have a home church as a resource, but I will check on other closer housing options.

And the weird comment about hoping for a donation?!?!? Don't know where you got that idea. This is my life and it's the truth.

OP, you should make a plan to go but don't spend the money until the last minute (the cheapest flights are non-refundable). Identify a few weeks or weekends that would work and save your money. Then look for last-minute air fare deals on Kayak or the like.

Look into AirBNB for a place to stay for cheap. Agree with a PP that you could ask any faith-based organizations nearby if they have housing. Call the nursing home and ask them as well.

For a car when you're there, get the absolute cheapest one. Wait until there's a special and then reserve the car (you don't have to pay until you pick up even if you reserve far in advance).

After reading your responses I'm getting a sinking feeling you are hoping someone will donate money to you to go. I hope I'm wrong. While your situation is sad, there are too many fake sob stories out there to trust anyone on the internet anymore.

It's sad not to be able to afford to see loved ones, but it's growing more and more to be the norm in the U.S. Something is wrong in our country.

OP - This is a time in your life to focus on a visit to spend time with your Mom if you can work it out financially. Whether you like it or not, perhaps her Dad could step up and care for her for more than one night, especially if you have her with a trusted friend, too. It makes little sense to bring your daughter out to an unstable situation with a very ill person in a strange environment. If you go it is to spend some qualify time with your Mom to let her know by your presence you love her and have valued her presence in her life and this very act will have a benefit for your daughter. When she passes, you probably will not be able to return, but the important time for your Mom and for is now...... I hope you can try to make it happen.

I second the PP who suggested a Ronald McDonald type place. My dad had serious surgery at Hopkins and was inpatient for over a month - they had a place nearby that rents rooms by the night to families of patients who are very sick. First priority goes to cancer and transplant patients but they rent to other people if they have room. My mom (and I) stayed there multiple nights. It was a lifesaver.

Can you ask her nursing home for help/guidance? My grandma's nursing home in FL used to rent rooms to visitors. Then no car necessary!

Anonymous wrote:How do people end up so far away from their loved ones with no plan on how to get back. I wished that I lived locally to my parents, but I would move home in a nanosecond if I couldn't afford to visit whenever I wanted. How did this happen?!?

You're an asshat.

I'll second the PP-- it's ok not to go.

I totally understand feeling like you need to be there for her- I'm in the same sort of situation myself. My mother lives hundreds of miles away, and there's no one for me to stay with when I visit. Money is tight on both sides. It's a struggle feeling guilty for not being there for her (I'm an only child).

But you have to take care of yourself.

Think about how you'll feel when you have to leave your mother. Will you still feel just as awful, except this time, on top of that awful you've put yourself into a precarious financial situation?

If it's not enough just to think of taking care of yourself, think about taking care of your DD. Do you have the resources to take care of her in an emergency?

It's totally awful, and in an ideal world you wouldn't have to worry about money. But you do.

Anonymous wrote:I hate to bring it up, but what would happen if she passes away? Do you need the few resources you have to travel for a funeral, or arrange her affairs?

Of course you'd rather spend the money to see her alive, but practically speaking...

I don't think you'll get much of a reasoned response here. Most of the people on this board seem to know nothing about what it's like to scrape by, with credit cards virtually maxed.

The fuck? Last time I checked, bodies weren't left out to rot in the streets in the US.

OP's mother can have a pauper's funeral, if necessary. At that point, what's left of her will just be a body, a heap of tissues. What makes her OP's mum will no longer be there. I never got the big song and dance of expensive funerals in any case. A total rip-off, even more reprehensible because it is done to grieving people who most of the times are so besides themselves that they're easy targets.

Screw the funeral expense. OP's mother needs OP and OP's daughter now, and they need Mum/Grandma now.

I suspect this isn't realistic, but putting it out there in case it could work. It sounds like this is a prolonged illness and who knows when your mother will round the corner. So I wonder if you could rent out your current home, and use that money for a long term stay apt near your mother. Enroll your daughter in school there (kids are adaptable). Plan to stay out the school year. Of course this all depends on many factors, incl the ability to telecommute. GL!

Go. Take your daughter. Do whatever it takes to make it happen. Your heart is telling you to go for a reason.

I'm the PP that said it's okay not to go.
One last creative idea -- if she belongs to a house of worship (or did when she was well), it might be worth asking the priest/pastor/rabbi/etc. if they have any suggestions, including someone who might put you up for a couple of days near the hospital. You never know, and, if nothing else the minister/rabbi/priest/whatever will at least probably stop by and see her in the nursing home.

I assume you're flying out any of the DC-area airports. Which airport would you fly into?