Anonymous
Post 01/31/2015 11:02     Subject: Getting in-laws to spend time with grandchild or leave it?

I grew up with warm, talkative, fun, extended family constantly surrounding us. I thought everyone grew up that way. Then I met my MIL who lives 5 minutes away.......
Anonymous
Post 01/31/2015 09:25     Subject: Re:Getting in-laws to spend time with grandchild or leave it?

Anonymous wrote:I admire that you still pursue her company despite her not liking you. Honestly, I would be psyched if my mean MIL never visited us.


Me too. Count yourself lucky.

Move on and enjoy the people who like you.

Your MIL is not one of them. I agree it is her loss.

How does your husband feel about the situation?
Anonymous
Post 01/30/2015 21:53     Subject: Getting in-laws to spend time with grandchild or leave it?

Leave it.
Anonymous
Post 01/30/2015 20:44     Subject: Getting in-laws to spend time with grandchild or leave it?

I bet you also thought you'd get free baby sitting on demand, didn't you, OP. SURPRISE!
Anonymous
Post 01/30/2015 18:45     Subject: Re:Getting in-laws to spend time with grandchild or leave it?

Anonymous wrote:My ex ILs are like this. They live a plane ride away, but were always very involved in the kids' lives - phone calls, letters, visits, gifts for birthdays/holidays etc. We always reciprocated and the kids sent thank you notes. This year my STBX split up, and it has been radio silence from his entire family, including the grandparents. The kids are confused and hurt, but there isn't much I can do. I have sole custody (ex's choice) I sent holiday presents as cards per usual, but nothing from them. They travel, but haven't even called my kids. STBX has pulled the same disappearing act, so maybe the fruit doesn't fall far from the tree. I just don't get how grandparents can cut off all contact with their grandchildren like that. It's fine if they don't want to talk to me, but the kids? And my kids are old enough to notice (HS, MS and ES). The kids have called them, but the conversations are short and leave the kids more confused. And there are quite a few other grandkids as well, who my ex ILs remain very involved with. At least that's what I hear via FB.

Bottom line, I think people do what they want to do, and sometimes what they do is shitty. Sorry.

That's terrible! I'm very sorry for your kids.
Anonymous
Post 01/30/2015 13:43     Subject: Re:Getting in-laws to spend time with grandchild or leave it?

My ex ILs are like this. They live a plane ride away, but were always very involved in the kids' lives - phone calls, letters, visits, gifts for birthdays/holidays etc. We always reciprocated and the kids sent thank you notes. This year my STBX split up, and it has been radio silence from his entire family, including the grandparents. The kids are confused and hurt, but there isn't much I can do. I have sole custody (ex's choice) I sent holiday presents as cards per usual, but nothing from them. They travel, but haven't even called my kids. STBX has pulled the same disappearing act, so maybe the fruit doesn't fall far from the tree. I just don't get how grandparents can cut off all contact with their grandchildren like that. It's fine if they don't want to talk to me, but the kids? And my kids are old enough to notice (HS, MS and ES). The kids have called them, but the conversations are short and leave the kids more confused. And there are quite a few other grandkids as well, who my ex ILs remain very involved with. At least that's what I hear via FB.

Bottom line, I think people do what they want to do, and sometimes what they do is shitty. Sorry.
Anonymous
Post 01/30/2015 13:18     Subject: Getting in-laws to spend time with grandchild or leave it?

OP, sometimes it is just as well. Example: my MIL is kind of lazy. When the kids go over to her house, she is on the phone or reading the newspaper. Same if she is at our house.

She is just not interested in anyone but herself. She is smug about not engaging them, which I find peculiar, but she was the same as a mother, so nothing is going to change now.

What is the point?

Surround yourself with positive, and go from there. You can't force it.
Anonymous
Post 01/30/2015 12:28     Subject: Getting in-laws to spend time with grandchild or leave it?

My children were the first grandchildren on both sides, everyone made such a big deal about us finally having kids. Everyone came to see DC1 right after the birth, and then nada. They were even less enthused when we had DC2. No overnight visits (not so they can babysit,just to hang out with us), no invitations for us to come to them, I mean nothing. DH and I had envisioned the wonderful grandparent/child relations we had, and it never materialized. My children are now 7 and 5, so no more diapers or naps or middle of the night wakings, they are two pretty funny and interesting kids. They love to eat all kinds of food,go all kinds of places, can be fun to hang with. It's not like they are little babies who had rigid schedules anymore. And still nothing. And my kids are noticing now. Why don't the grandparents stay for more than a few hours? How come the kids have never seen grandparents' house? (My parents live 2 hours away, we always have to meet at my brothers house instead). My ILS just told my DH they aren't interested in seeing the kids over the summer. We send them tons of pictures and FaceTime with them. And apparently that's all they want. It's pretty heart breaking. Sorry OP you're facing a similar plight. It sucks when people disappoint us.
Anonymous
Post 01/29/2015 14:23     Subject: Getting in-laws to spend time with grandchild or leave it?

Anonymous wrote:I don't push relationships. If my father (who is angry at me for not being friends with his ex-wife (who is not my mother)) wants to spend time with my daughters then he can reach out. The kids will be fine not having a relationship with him. They have people of all generations in their lives.

Sometimes family is the family you're born into and sometimes it's the family you create among friends.


This! My parents are deceased. My inlaws are about 3 hours away and they are a bit older. My MIL is always ecstatic to have time with our 3 year old DD. But my FIL...not so much. He is pretty set in his ways and is not accustomed to a toddler being around. The noise aggravates him. I take the position that he only gets to see her a few times a year and we don't stay with them when we visit, but alas, he gets so aggravated and cranky that DD barely wants to be around him and she has stated that she is scared of him. Her godparent's live in the same city and we usually stay with them when visiting. The beautiful thing is that her godparents don't have kids, so her godmother's parents have adopted her as their grand and they love on her so much. She calls them grandma and grandpa at her own will and doing. She adores them and they adore her....it is quite endearing. So, it complete agreement....family comes however it comes, not just through birthright.
Anonymous
Post 01/21/2015 16:09     Subject: Getting in-laws to spend time with grandchild or leave it?

Anonymous wrote:I don't push relationships. If my father (who is angry at me for not being friends with his ex-wife (who is not my mother)) wants to spend time with my daughters then he can reach out. The kids will be fine not having a relationship with him. They have people of all generations in their lives.

Sometimes family is the family you're born into and sometimes it's the family you create among friends.


Same here. We strive for it, because my parents live far away and can't travel, and my husband's parents are odd ducks. As a child, I was closer to my senior neighbor than my grandparents.
Anonymous
Post 01/21/2015 16:06     Subject: Getting in-laws to spend time with grandchild or leave it?

Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
She'll call around 11:30 or 4:30 (after she gets up for the day or after her nap) to see if he can come over.


That sounds pretty judgmental.

I know, but previous posters had asked if she was busy doing other things. It's her prerogative to do so but I'm sad about my kid not seeing his grandparents.
Anonymous
Post 01/21/2015 15:28     Subject: Re:Getting in-laws to spend time with grandchild or leave it?

My mom is kind of like this, although in a different way. It hurt me at first that she didn't seem to want to spend time with her grandchildren. We actually fought over it. And then I just realized that there's no point in pushing a relationship that neither my grandchildren or my mom was too excited about. I was sad at first over the realization, but I've come to accept it.

My mom is just not that into little kids, although I'm sure she loves her grandchildren. She's kind of a bit of a control-freak so she just doesn't gel with little kids, especially at the toddler age.

Who knows, it may change when your kids are a bit older, it may not.
Anonymous
Post 01/21/2015 11:50     Subject: Getting in-laws to spend time with grandchild or leave it?

Anonymous wrote:
She'll call around 11:30 or 4:30 (after she gets up for the day or after her nap) to see if he can come over.


That sounds pretty judgmental.
Anonymous
Post 01/21/2015 11:20     Subject: Getting in-laws to spend time with grandchild or leave it?

Anonymous wrote:OP, can you explain a little more?

MIL calls to see grandson every 6-8 weeks and rebuffs any invites to do activities with us (she has gone out with us to do something twice in 2.5 years)


Does she offer to do something specific and you counter-offer and she's not interested? Do you ask her if she has any ideas before you offer something? Or does she just call to say she wants to see him, but when you say "Great! What works for you?" she drifts into "I dunno . . . ."?

She'll call around 11:30 or 4:30 (after she gets up for the day or after her nap) to see if he can come over. If it works into our schedule I take him if not I don't. I have asked her to call earlier or the day before. When we invite her on an outing we try to give a weeks notice or more, she typically says "we'll see" or "that sounds fun" and when we call to follow up she cancels. My husband asked her what some activities she would like to do. She gave a list but has yet to do anything (this was 6 months ago). I think maybe she's just not into it.
Anonymous
Post 01/21/2015 11:13     Subject: Getting in-laws to spend time with grandchild or leave it?

Offer regularly, but expect nothing.