Anonymous wrote:OP here. Here is the kicker. His mom said thanks for letting us invite ourselves. Then I said nothing and just smiled. And she said don't smerk I know you don't like it. And I just smiled again. What am I supposed to say? My DH and older son go to work and school so I what have to entertain them? I have no real plans but now i feel like being gone but my 2.5 year old needs to nap. They were just here for 4 nights in December and my parents were here two weeks ago. I wasn't planning on having anyone here for a few months!

Whoops!! New information! I would have "dealt" with what you told us before, but her pissy smart mouth would set me off!!!

Anonymous wrote:More upsetting than the unannounced visit, which perhaps people who are completely socially unaware might unknowingly do without ill intent, is the fact that your MIL rubbed it in your face that you don't like it, she knew you wouldn't like it, but did it anyway and now they're here and you have to deal. What a horrible, manipulative move.

I think your husband needs to spend them home today.

+1. This is the part that jumped out at me too. Her aggression is even worse than the surprise visit IMO.

You and your husband need to manage this. If you don't address it directly, and just smirk and harbor resentment without laying down some guidelines, then why would anything change?

Decide whether you'll have the conversation with them together or whether your husband will handle it directly.

Then say:

dear Mom/MIL. We love having you be a regular part of the kids' lives. We hope they grow up knowing you well, and having really deep relationships with you and we will work to make sure that happens.

We cannot, however, accommodate unannounced visits. If you want to come see us, and stay over night, you need to let us know so we can make sure it works with our schedule and plans.

let's get your next visit scheduled now - we have wide open weekends XX, XX, and XX - do any of those work for you?

You need to handle this like adults - not just with passive responses.

I have soooo BTDT with this and it has taken us a while (and frankly, we have to be diligent about maintaining boundaries) but we've finally gotten some more respectful behavior around visits and lengths of stay.

Good luck!

More upsetting than the unannounced visit, which perhaps people who are completely socially unaware might unknowingly do without ill intent, is the fact that your MIL rubbed it in your face that you don't like it, she knew you wouldn't like it, but did it anyway and now they're here and you have to deal. What a horrible, manipulative move.

I think your husband needs to spend them home today.

Houseguests SUK, and everyone knows it. Including the self-appointed houseguest.

Anonymous wrote:I don't get it. They are passing thigh on the way to something else or you are their main and only (surprise) destination?

dH needs to step up and demand normal communication and advanced requests for all house guests.

I agree. So they packed suitcases and drove for hours to visit you without any communication about it whatsoever?

DH needs to speak with them.

And RE MIL's snarky comment to OP: That needs to be addressed too, lest they do this again.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would it have made a difference if it were your own parents arriving unannounced?

It is interesting that one sees all these gripes about interfering, inconsiderate in-laws and rarely about the parents. I guess all the parents are wonderful non-interfering and considerate people!

It's not like they stopped by unannounced for lunch. They drove from out of state, presumably with packed suitcases, planning to stay for a couple of nights. I don't care who it is, that's really horrible!!

I hear you ............. but my point is that just about all the complaints are about in-laws and there is barely a peep about one's own parents. One would get the impression that the parents of those who complain are paragons of virtue.

Is it really that hard to figure out? People grow up with their parents, become habituated to their quirks, and generally don't feel as bothered by them by it's familiar. The same isn't true of in-laws, so of course someone is more likely to be irked by their in-laws' unfamiliar annoying behavior than by their parents' familiar annoying behavior.

If my parents showed up unannounced, I would be surprised, but happy to see them. First. Second, even if I wasn't happy to see them, they are MY parents, so I'd have no problem saying to them, "Mom, this is ridiculous. What did you think you were doing showing up unannounced?! I have plans/a dirty house/other people staying/etc." I wouldn't grin and bear it and then come on DCUM to complain. I'd complain to her face. That's why all of these are IL stories. The DILs need an outlet.

^^What seems to be missing in your very reasonable explanation is that those in-laws whose quirky ways are difficult to understand happen to be the parents of the husband.

It is not exactly like they are strangers from no where. How do you think the wife would feel if her parents visited unexpectedly and the husband told them they were not welcome and should leave pronto?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would it have made a difference if it were your own parents arriving unannounced?

It is interesting that one sees all these gripes about interfering, inconsiderate in-laws and rarely about the parents. I guess all the parents are wonderful non-interfering and considerate people!

It's not like they stopped by unannounced for lunch. They drove from out of state, presumably with packed suitcases, planning to stay for a couple of nights. I don't care who it is, that's really horrible!!

I hear you ............. but my point is that just about all the complaints are about in-laws and there is barely a peep about one's own parents. One would get the impression that the parents of those who complain are paragons of virtue.

Is it really that hard to figure out? People grow up with their parents, become habituated to their quirks, and generally don't feel as bothered by them by it's familiar. The same isn't true of in-laws, so of course someone is more likely to be irked by their in-laws' unfamiliar annoying behavior than by their parents' familiar annoying behavior.

I would request advance notice in the future but it would not really bother me at all.

My rotuine is not so important that I cannot adjust it for my family and my IL's are my family. I would not want to deal with it every week, but it woulld be fine as a one off. My DH loves his parents and does not see them enough (they are out of state) and is a champ in dealing with my crazy ass parents who live 5 minutes away. My kids adore my IL's and they would be over the moon.

Life is short, people are getting older and reationships are what is important, not whether a routine was followed to the tee.

OP, where is your DH? You need to call him stat and have him call his parents to let them know this is unacceptable and that they will talk with him as soon as they get home. If they ask, he is to say that you just called to tell DH they had arrived, and you have nothing to do with what he is saying. You cannot be the bad guy in this at all, because that is what they are trying to accomplish. By being outrageous they hope they can push you to be rude. Do NOT fall for it.

Also, I agree with the other poster. Say clearly, "it's nice to see you but I wish we had discussed this in advance so that we could have enjoyed a planned visit with some fun activities." Then go about your normal routine, invent some errands (that they cannot join you on but are essential, perhaps a haircut, doctor's appt, etc) and stay out of the house. Apologize when you get home, ideally after DH has arrived and given them a stern talking to.

They should leave the next morning at the latest when DH after talks with them or ideally that day (I only suggest the next morning in case they are older and the drive is long).

Your DH MUST have your back on this. Make it clear to him that it will not be possible to live your lives with your in laws threatening to stop by for three days at a time with 0 minutes notice.

And OP the whole thing sucks. What terrible nasty aggressive people your in laws are. I'm sorry.

Anonymous wrote:Why did you let them stay at your house? What they did is so horribly rude. I would have used my grown up words and given them names of a few hotels.

Why do people take thus crap? You teach people how to treat you.

As someone who had ILs do this, no way was I going to start WWIII and kick them out. They might have been rude, but I wasn't going to be even more rude. I have a hard time believing that people would actually kick their family out.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would it have made a difference if it were your own parents arriving unannounced?

It is interesting that one sees all these gripes about interfering, inconsiderate in-laws and rarely about the parents. I guess all the parents are wonderful non-interfering and considerate people!

It's not like they stopped by unannounced for lunch. They drove from out of state, presumably with packed suitcases, planning to stay for a couple of nights. I don't care who it is, that's really horrible!!

This. Unless they had some other reason for being in OP's area this is totally unacceptable. They made plans but failed to inform the host? Not even a phone call? WTF? I would be livid.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Here is the kicker. His mom said thanks for letting us invite ourselves. Then I said nothing and just smiled. And she said don't smerk I know you don't like it. And I just smiled again. What am I supposed to say? My DH and older son go to work and school so I what have to entertain them? I have no real plans but now i feel like being gone but my 2.5 year old needs to nap. They were just here for 4 nights in December and my parents were here two weeks ago. I wasn't planning on having anyone here for a few months!

You should say something. Like "Mary, last night when you thanked us for letting you invite yourselves and I wanted to let you know that although it's wonderful to see you and JimBob, we would really love advance notice. Plus, I would feel terrible if you showed up only to find out we were out of town for the weekend or entertaining other guests and didn't have a spare room for you two, etc. So going forward, would you let us know when you'd like to visit, so we can agree on the dates beforehand?"

Something like that--Though it should also come from DH.

And why the heck are you letting them stay two nights? "Gosh, we really weren't prepared for this visit. You can stay tonight, but we'll have to ask you to clear out by x time tomorrow and check in with us next time rather than just show up."

Also: Your MIL is testing you. She knows you don't like it, eh? She knows she screwed up…make it clear that it's not ok, or something similar is likely to happen again.

Why does everyone assume they want to be "entertained"??? They know they just dropped in and you have real life to attend to ( jobs, chores, etc). Like another poster, I also do get why the just decided to visit. Were they going somewhere and you happened to be on the way? How far away they?