Anonymous
Post 01/14/2015 12:39     Subject: Re:Working Mom Question - Adoption
Anonymous wrote:
OP here. My bigger concern is being with the baby exclusively for three months and then having to jump right back into the throes of my routine, which will give me less time to spend with the baby than I would like at 3 months and beyond. From what I have read and discussed with other adoptive moms with older children, that is a pitfall that can interfere with your ability to give the baby your undivided attention beyond the first twelve weeks. I am also considering the transition for my biological child so that he can attach with the baby well. I feel like I'd be setting him up for sibling rivalry if, at 12 weeks, mom is suddenly thrust into working mom mode and he is fighting for my attention b/c I feel guilty I haven't seen the baby all day. Is it really such a radical idea to space out your leave to allow you more undivided opportunities with the baby over a longer period of time?



Honestly, OP, this doesn't sound like and adoptive parent issue vs. bio parent issue. it sounds like a "having a second child issue" for a WOHM especially being concerned about your first-born and his feeling left out because mom and dad come home and spend a lot of time with baby. that happens to first borns whether the sibling is adopted or not.


Attachment issues (like almost everyone except crazy attachment poster agrees) is not a bigger issue for adopted newborns over bio newborns. It simply isn't. We have 2 kids one a tween and another teen. One adopted the other not. Treated them the same (actually had to go to work earlier with adopted kid) and there are absolutely NO attachment issues with either one.

I liked the other poster's suggestion of staying in contact with the office while on leave,but also I don't think you're going to avoid the guilt of going back to work, the struggle to give both kids attention when you get home and the balancing act that goes with 2 kids and a full time job. hang in there and congrats to your new baby!!


Actually, yes, it simply is. There are many experts who agree and who have validated this.
There are many actual adopted adults who validate this.

Anonymous
Post 01/13/2015 15:12     Subject: Working Mom Question - Adoption
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm not an adoptive mother. So my assumption that you are not likely to have significant attachment issues with a newborn is not based on actual experience. But it's what I believe. So IMO your question has to do with going back to work on a staggered schedule, with excellent family care in place for the baby, earlier than the "conventional" 3 month period.

And in my opinion that will be totally fine. I also hold a senior management position where a full three months out of the job would be significantly detrimental to my organization. It also wasn't something I wanted to do - for my own reasons having to do with my sanity, my career, my idea of who I am as a multi-faceted person, etc...

I had twins, after a long, complicated struggle with infertility. I worked up until the day I delivered, I kept an eye on a handful of critical things by email starting when they were about 2 days old, and I kept some level of engagement through email and the occasional phone call, or even a staff person bringing a couple of things to my house to sign, starting within a week of their birth.

I went back into the office for a couple of half-time days during the time the babies were 4-12 weeks old, with increasing frequency in the 2-3 month range. I went back to work full-time at roughly the 14 week mark but I had been ramping up my time for a few weeks prior to that, and was able to maintain essentially a 4 day week for several weeks following.

My employer was quite flexible about how I allocated my leave, allowed me to do a bit more from home than would normally have been typical, and allowed me to stagger my leave over a 5 month period, rather than just 3. In return I was never fully absent from my responsibilities so could maintain a couple of the most critical functions, my transition back to work was considerably smoother, and I managed to keep up a side of my self intellectually that really matters to me.

The babies thrived throughout and our whole family (and my employer) thrived as well.

It can absolutely be done. So, while I can't speak to the adoption issue, I absolutely support your plan. Do what is right for you. And preserving some leave is very smart - the baby will get sick, your childcare providers will get sick, life will happen - knowing you have some time banked is like knowing your have a savings fund. It's peace of mind.

Congrats on the baby!!!


Thank you for sharing your experience. What were the pitfalls, if any? What would you have done differently in hindsight?


Honestly there were no pitfalls, and no significant regrets. If I had learned to use the mute function better on my phone it would have saved me from the embarrassment of my Board Chair hear squeaky toys in the background of a conference call, but that's about it.

It really worked out beautifully for me, and for my work colleagues. The only thing I would say is that you need to do what is right and best for you and your family and not let yourself be side-tracked by the opinions of others. I had plenty of people tell me (especially in advance of the twins' birth) that my plan was unrealistic, that I wouldn't be able to do any work while dealing w/ twin infants, that I would never be ready to go back to work, that I wouldn't find a nanny I could trust, etc....

They were wrong. It worked brilliantly. You know yourself, your work situation, your marriage, etc... Do what feels right in your gut and you'll be great.
Anonymous
Post 01/13/2015 13:25     Subject: Working Mom Question - Adoption
You know your job better than I do, but my only concern would be whether you will be able to enjoy your time with your newborn as much if you are working part-time. I know that you say that your office can't manage with an extended absence of you, so will you really be able to 'shut off' the work stuff on your days off? I felt that being away for a solid chunk of time allowed me to fully disconnect from work and connect with the baby. It made it harder getting back in to work, I am sure, but a worthwhile trade-off, I think. And it was probably harder for my office, but they have to deal - that is why FMLA is there. Just my 2 cents. Best of luck with whatever you decide to do!
Anonymous
Post 01/13/2015 13:23     Subject: Re:Working Mom Question - Adoption
Anonymous wrote:

Honestly, OP, this doesn't sound like and adoptive parent issue vs. bio parent issue. it sounds like a "having a second child issue" for a WOHM especially being concerned about your first-born and his feeling left out because mom and dad come home and spend a lot of time with baby. that happens to first borns whether the sibling is adopted or not.




I agree with this. I'm an adoptive mom. I was in a senior mgmt position when we got the surprise call for our 2nd baby. I only took a few days off. I regret it. Not b/c of attachment issues-- she attached just fine (and still is very attached.) But about 5 mos later I quit my position- it became clear that working at the level I was working just wasn't feasible with a 2nd child.
Anonymous
Post 01/13/2015 13:11     Subject: Re:Working Mom Question - Adoption
OP here. My bigger concern is being with the baby exclusively for three months and then having to jump right back into the throes of my routine, which will give me less time to spend with the baby than I would like at 3 months and beyond. From what I have read and discussed with other adoptive moms with older children, that is a pitfall that can interfere with your ability to give the baby your undivided attention beyond the first twelve weeks. I am also considering the transition for my biological child so that he can attach with the baby well. I feel like I'd be setting him up for sibling rivalry if, at 12 weeks, mom is suddenly thrust into working mom mode and he is fighting for my attention b/c I feel guilty I haven't seen the baby all day. Is it really such a radical idea to space out your leave to allow you more undivided opportunities with the baby over a longer period of time?



Honestly, OP, this doesn't sound like and adoptive parent issue vs. bio parent issue. it sounds like a "having a second child issue" for a WOHM especially being concerned about your first-born and his feeling left out because mom and dad come home and spend a lot of time with baby. that happens to first borns whether the sibling is adopted or not.


Attachment issues (like almost everyone except crazy attachment poster agrees) is not a bigger issue for adopted newborns over bio newborns. It simply isn't. We have 2 kids one a tween and another teen. One adopted the other not. Treated them the same (actually had to go to work earlier with adopted kid) and there are absolutely NO attachment issues with either one.

I liked the other poster's suggestion of staying in contact with the office while on leave,but also I don't think you're going to avoid the guilt of going back to work, the struggle to give both kids attention when you get home and the balancing act that goes with 2 kids and a full time job. hang in there and congrats to your new baby!!
Anonymous
Post 01/13/2015 12:39     Subject: Working Mom Question - Adoption
Is no one reading? The kid isn't going to be in daycare after two weeks -- the kid will be with his or her FATHER! OP and her magical ovaries don't need to be there every second of every day.

I like your plan, OP, and I think it'll be just fine. Congratulations, and best of luck!
Anonymous
Post 01/13/2015 12:07     Subject: Working Mom Question - Adoption
Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm not an adoptive mother. So my assumption that you are not likely to have significant attachment issues with a newborn is not based on actual experience. But it's what I believe. So IMO your question has to do with going back to work on a staggered schedule, with excellent family care in place for the baby, earlier than the "conventional" 3 month period.

And in my opinion that will be totally fine. I also hold a senior management position where a full three months out of the job would be significantly detrimental to my organization. It also wasn't something I wanted to do - for my own reasons having to do with my sanity, my career, my idea of who I am as a multi-faceted person, etc...

I had twins, after a long, complicated struggle with infertility. I worked up until the day I delivered, I kept an eye on a handful of critical things by email starting when they were about 2 days old, and I kept some level of engagement through email and the occasional phone call, or even a staff person bringing a couple of things to my house to sign, starting within a week of their birth.

I went back into the office for a couple of half-time days during the time the babies were 4-12 weeks old, with increasing frequency in the 2-3 month range. I went back to work full-time at roughly the 14 week mark but I had been ramping up my time for a few weeks prior to that, and was able to maintain essentially a 4 day week for several weeks following.

My employer was quite flexible about how I allocated my leave, allowed me to do a bit more from home than would normally have been typical, and allowed me to stagger my leave over a 5 month period, rather than just 3. In return I was never fully absent from my responsibilities so could maintain a couple of the most critical functions, my transition back to work was considerably smoother, and I managed to keep up a side of my self intellectually that really matters to me.

The babies thrived throughout and our whole family (and my employer) thrived as well.

It can absolutely be done. So, while I can't speak to the adoption issue, I absolutely support your plan. Do what is right for you. And preserving some leave is very smart - the baby will get sick, your childcare providers will get sick, life will happen - knowing you have some time banked is like knowing your have a savings fund. It's peace of mind.

Congrats on the baby!!!


Thank you for sharing your experience. What were the pitfalls, if any? What would you have done differently in hindsight?
Anonymous
Post 01/13/2015 11:14     Subject: Re:Working Mom Question - Adoption
Anonymous wrote:I adopted three times and never took the entire 12 weeks of FMLA. Just didn't work out that way for us. Thing is, the whole bonding issue is a lot more than how much time you take off. Sure, time is part of it. But, so is responding when your baby cries, having lots of physical contact, etc. There is no one way that is right.


Can you point to specific resources you relied on to help you, and how you structured work-life balance to ensure a solid bond in the beginning? I am extremely attached (some might say too much!) to my biological son but realize that forming that attachment with an adopted child will be differrent.
Anonymous
Post 01/13/2015 11:12     Subject: Working Mom Question - Adoption
Anonymous wrote:I don't know - I think it would actually be great for the baby's attachment to his/her FATHER for him/her to be home with just the father some of his earliest days.

You're not talking about putting him in a daycare center early on (which I did, and we were fine) - you're talking about having your child spend some one-on-one time with his/her other parent and his/her extended family.


Exactly. DH and I absolutely plan to have the baby cared for by one of us, with the help of grandparents and aunts who are eager to develop a solid relationship with this child from the start, in the first 12 weeks and perhaps longer. Ideally the baby would only be in daycare PT from 3-6 months and my thinking is to try and space my leave out to help achieve that. I do think I will want to have more than 2 full weeks off in the beginning and will probably plan to extend that by 2-4 weeks based on advice here and offline from other adoptive parents I've met.
Anonymous
Post 01/13/2015 11:06     Subject: Re:Working Mom Question - Adoption
I adopted three times and never took the entire 12 weeks of FMLA. Just didn't work out that way for us. Thing is, the whole bonding issue is a lot more than how much time you take off. Sure, time is part of it. But, so is responding when your baby cries, having lots of physical contact, etc. There is no one way that is right.
Anonymous
Post 01/13/2015 11:06     Subject: Working Mom Question - Adoption
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Working mom of two adopted children here. (intl adoption, China, one adopted at age 3, one adopted at age 2)

I think you will be fine. Just do the best you can. Yes, as the person above me posted, DO read a TON about attachment. Do all of the activities and things the books suggest when you are with them. Co-sleep if you can, to enhance the bonding.

My children went/go to daycare 8 weeks after we brought them home, and that has worked for us, but I understand that sounds crazy when I see it written down here in black and white, but it did work out. And I understand that yours will be younger (so I agree that family care at that point may be better than daycare center care) but just watch the bonding/attachment issues.


PP back. Go in with this plan, but keep it flexible. Monitor how things seem to be going attachment-wise. Be flexible and able to change if you change your mind later and think you should take the FMLA and be there exclusively with your new child.


I have read about attachment, and we will be bringing home a 3-day old newborn, so it will be very different from a child who has been in the foster situation without a consistent and stable caregiver.



You are correct. We too brought home a three-day old. No attachment issues.


All newborns have "attachment issues." It's a fundamental part of all human psychosocial development. That's why skin-to-skin is so important, co-sleeping, time...it's why FMLA is there in the first place and why people lobbied for "maternity" leave to be extended to fathers and adoptive parents.

Trying to work your newborn into your schedule is crazy. It's either a priority or not. I'm a big believer in family involvement and am aware of Ainsworth's work on attachment that broadened our understanding of secure bonding beyond the mother/child paradigm. But, honey, I'd spend more time with a new handbag than what you've got planned for this baby.

Take the full 12 weeks, or take 11 and arrange for a once-a-week work-from-home situation for the rest.


Humm... our child is adopted. We did not do attachment parenting, did not co-sleep, child has always slept in his room. So, then why is our child so attached to us? I think most of what you are saying is bs and you are just doing it to justify your needs vs. your child's needs. And, comparing a child to a handbag is strange, at best. What OP is describing is fine.
Anonymous
Post 01/13/2015 10:48     Subject: Working Mom Question - Adoption
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Working mom of two adopted children here. (intl adoption, China, one adopted at age 3, one adopted at age 2)

I think you will be fine. Just do the best you can. Yes, as the person above me posted, DO read a TON about attachment. Do all of the activities and things the books suggest when you are with them. Co-sleep if you can, to enhance the bonding.

My children went/go to daycare 8 weeks after we brought them home, and that has worked for us, but I understand that sounds crazy when I see it written down here in black and white, but it did work out. And I understand that yours will be younger (so I agree that family care at that point may be better than daycare center care) but just watch the bonding/attachment issues.


PP back. Go in with this plan, but keep it flexible. Monitor how things seem to be going attachment-wise. Be flexible and able to change if you change your mind later and think you should take the FMLA and be there exclusively with your new child.


I have read about attachment, and we will be bringing home a 3-day old newborn, so it will be very different from a child who has been in the foster situation without a consistent and stable caregiver.



You are correct. We too brought home a three-day old. No attachment issues.


All newborns have "attachment issues." It's a fundamental part of all human psychosocial development. That's why skin-to-skin is so important, co-sleeping, time...it's why FMLA is there in the first place and why people lobbied for "maternity" leave to be extended to fathers and adoptive parents.

Trying to work your newborn into your schedule is crazy. It's either a priority or not. I'm a big believer in family involvement and am aware of Ainsworth's work on attachment that broadened our understanding of secure bonding beyond the mother/child paradigm. But, honey, I'd spend more time with a new handbag than what you've got planned for this baby.

Take the full 12 weeks, or take 11 and arrange for a once-a-week work-from-home situation for the rest.
Anonymous
Post 01/13/2015 10:42     Subject: Working Mom Question - Adoption
OP, I'm not an adoptive mother. So my assumption that you are not likely to have significant attachment issues with a newborn is not based on actual experience. But it's what I believe. So IMO your question has to do with going back to work on a staggered schedule, with excellent family care in place for the baby, earlier than the "conventional" 3 month period.

And in my opinion that will be totally fine. I also hold a senior management position where a full three months out of the job would be significantly detrimental to my organization. It also wasn't something I wanted to do - for my own reasons having to do with my sanity, my career, my idea of who I am as a multi-faceted person, etc...

I had twins, after a long, complicated struggle with infertility. I worked up until the day I delivered, I kept an eye on a handful of critical things by email starting when they were about 2 days old, and I kept some level of engagement through email and the occasional phone call, or even a staff person bringing a couple of things to my house to sign, starting within a week of their birth.

I went back into the office for a couple of half-time days during the time the babies were 4-12 weeks old, with increasing frequency in the 2-3 month range. I went back to work full-time at roughly the 14 week mark but I had been ramping up my time for a few weeks prior to that, and was able to maintain essentially a 4 day week for several weeks following.

My employer was quite flexible about how I allocated my leave, allowed me to do a bit more from home than would normally have been typical, and allowed me to stagger my leave over a 5 month period, rather than just 3. In return I was never fully absent from my responsibilities so could maintain a couple of the most critical functions, my transition back to work was considerably smoother, and I managed to keep up a side of my self intellectually that really matters to me.

The babies thrived throughout and our whole family (and my employer) thrived as well.

It can absolutely be done. So, while I can't speak to the adoption issue, I absolutely support your plan. Do what is right for you. And preserving some leave is very smart - the baby will get sick, your childcare providers will get sick, life will happen - knowing you have some time banked is like knowing your have a savings fund. It's peace of mind.

Congrats on the baby!!!
Anonymous
Post 01/13/2015 10:18     Subject: Working Mom Question - Adoption
I don't know - I think it would actually be great for the baby's attachment to his/her FATHER for him/her to be home with just the father some of his earliest days.

You're not talking about putting him in a daycare center early on (which I did, and we were fine) - you're talking about having your child spend some one-on-one time with his/her other parent and his/her extended family.
Anonymous
Post 01/13/2015 09:36     Subject: Working Mom Question - Adoption
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Working mom of two adopted children here. (intl adoption, China, one adopted at age 3, one adopted at age 2)

I think you will be fine. Just do the best you can. Yes, as the person above me posted, DO read a TON about attachment. Do all of the activities and things the books suggest when you are with them. Co-sleep if you can, to enhance the bonding.

My children went/go to daycare 8 weeks after we brought them home, and that has worked for us, but I understand that sounds crazy when I see it written down here in black and white, but it did work out. And I understand that yours will be younger (so I agree that family care at that point may be better than daycare center care) but just watch the bonding/attachment issues.


PP back. Go in with this plan, but keep it flexible. Monitor how things seem to be going attachment-wise. Be flexible and able to change if you change your mind later and think you should take the FMLA and be there exclusively with your new child.


I have read about attachment, and we will be bringing home a 3-day old newborn, so it will be very different from a child who has been in the foster situation without a consistent and stable caregiver.



Go back and read again. Then read some more. Than actually talk to adoptive parents whose kids are now older - like elementary and tween age. Also talk to an attachment therapist and not the social worker at your adoption agency.

Attachment issues in newborn adoptions can and do occur. The biggest issues parents face is they don't believe it could happen, do not follow the attachment advice and then end up in a situation 8, 10, 15 years down the road with a child who has serious issues and they just don't understand why.

Adopting a newborn ***DOES NOT ELIMINATE ATTACHMENT ISSUES ENTIRELY***.

Take 12 weeks off. If you can't, take 10 full weeks off.


Are you always this alarmist and condescending? SHOUTING AT ME IN ALL CAPS DOESN'T MAKE ME WANT TO LISTEN TO YOU.


And being defensive and dismissive makes me think you are going to have one of the kids with serious issues. I am an adoptive mom btw who is also a working mom.

Don't get mad because people are telling you you need to take time off from work to care for your newborn. It's not unkind or mean, it's honest feedback.


You might think about how to provide "honest feedback" that isn't snarky and condescending, particularly before you begin slinging names and accusations at me. I'm being neither defensive nor dismissive; however I find your tone and your attitude to be abrasive and unhelpful.