Anonymous wrote:OP here thanks to everyone who responded.
Yes the age thing bothers me a bit, a 50 year old man that's never married and has quite the rep with the ladies concerns me.

I don't know him only what little she has told me of him, so I admit I could be judging him unfairly.

I would be far less concerned if I knew my sister was in a stable place.

Though pps are right that I should tread lightly with my opinions of the relationship. I had a couple people not approve of DH and though I still speak with them I think a little less of them because of their words.
I don't want to control her life. Though I do wish things could be easier.
Unless you have lived with someone like my sister/
Saying she wants to think about it is pretty much a yes from her.
Lately her thing has been everything would be perfect if I just married and had a child.
When she is manic she tends to romanticize everything, everything would be perfect if she were living here, working there on and on it goes, and it always ends with her crying for days and angry and depressed for months at a time.

If it makes you feel better, I am a PP that married a man much older than myself and was a terrible place when we met. My family told me to not to see him because of the age difference and to get myself in a better place first, etc. as I was just coming out of a horrible relationship, suicidal etc. I didn't listen to them and am glad I didn't because my now DH turned my life around. Best thing that ever happened to me. Older men can bring stability to a relationship that younger men often times can't. I'm sure my story isn't the case for all but hopefully it will be for your sister as well.

OP here thanks to everyone who responded.
Yes the age thing bothers me a bit, a 50 year old man that's never married and has quite the rep with the ladies concerns me.

I don't know him only what little she has told me of him, so I admit I could be judging him unfairly.

I would be far less concerned if I knew my sister was in a stable place.

Though pps are right that I should tread lightly with my opinions of the relationship. I had a couple people not approve of DH and though I still speak with them I think a little less of them because of their words.
I don't want to control her life. Though I do wish things could be easier.
Unless you have lived with someone like my sister/
Saying she wants to think about it is pretty much a yes from her.
Lately her thing has been everything would be perfect if I just married and had a child.
When she is manic she tends to romanticize everything, everything would be perfect if she were living here, working there on and on it goes, and it always ends with her crying for days and angry and depressed for months at a time.

Anonymous wrote:She wasn't suicidal a year ago she was suicidal as of June when she turned 30.
She met him a couple months later .

This is her pattern I truly believe she is untreated bipolar I don't even know if he knows that about her.

A few weeks or a month from or so from now when she's in the next phase I think this will be bad.

My advice still stands. If you want to in any way be helpful to your sister, your job is to try to strengthen the bond between you. Criticizing this relationship can't possibly have a good outcome.

If your sister is hesitating to accept his proposal, she at least has the ability to stop and contemplate before making an impulsive choice.

If she truly has bipolar disorder that is undiagnosed and untreated, there are far worse things she could do while manic than marrying some dude she met 6 months ago, especially if the man is kind and cares for her. He may not know that her mood may change, but that's a risk he takes by proposing to someone that he doesn't know all that well. It's not your place to warn him. He could well be a nurturing, stabilizing influence in her life.

I say this as someone who knows bipolar disorder. My brother died from it 5 years ago. You can't cure your sister and you may not be able to protect her from the symptoms of her disease and the damage it causes in her life. What you can control is how you treat her and how you love her. If I could do it all again, I would focus more on loving him and enjoying him and knowing him better, not pathologizing him. I miss him terribly.

If this man were younger, would you still be concerned? Many marriages succeed and many fail, regardless of any age difference. My parents are 15 years apart and have been happily married for over 40 years. My first friend to get married was only 3 years younger than her husband and they got divorced in 5 years. I'd take some time to get to know your sister's fiancee before you form an opinion of him.

Now that we're adults I don't refer to my younger sister as my "little sister". It seems patronizing.

^^ Same "age" as my DH!

My little sister just got married to a guy 21 years older than her (she's 31, he's 52).

They seem happy. I was happy for them.

I may be the same as as my DH, but not everyone is. She's an adult. Her choices are hers -- it's up to you as her family to be supportive, especially if this relationship is giving her something positive in her life.

Anonymous wrote:How do these young women meet these older guys? What attracts them? What makes them stay? Curious. Don't mean to derail.

My friend met her H (20 y older than her) training for a marathon.
He was mature and caring.
She stays because she loves him, he stays because he love her.

My neighbor met her H (18 y older than her) at work.
He was fun, she was fun. They both ended up being alcoholics.
They divorced.

Anonymous wrote:
My husband is 18 years older than me.

I married him because I was in love with him, but also to get away from my controlling family. He knows that. When we met, he was not wealthy, but intellectually interesting and physically attractive.

My point is, people get married for all sorts of reasons, and your sister does seem as if she has issues - however, the marriage might work out well if this man is committed to her and mature enough to take her highs and lows with perspective.

This is a really good point. I think its a good thing to not judge other people's reasons for getting married as long as it works for the 2 in the marriage. I probably have been guilty of thinking those marriages are "less" than mine or something and I think that's terrible and I think we should avoid that thinking. If they are happy in their decision, then that's what matters. Not so much WHY they are happy in their decision.

PP again - and yes, DH proposed to me on the second date. There is no "right" way to do things, OP. Let her live her life.

My husband is 18 years older than me.

I married him because I was in love with him, but also to get away from my controlling family. He knows that. When we met, he was not wealthy, but intellectually interesting and physically attractive.

My point is, people get married for all sorts of reasons, and your sister does seem as if she has issues - however, the marriage might work out well if this man is committed to her and mature enough to take her highs and lows with perspective.

Anonymous wrote:Be careful of a man who proposes after 6 months.

That's stupid. Truly.

DH and I married after less than 6 months. That was 17 years ago.

My uncle married a woman 26 years his senior. The whole family was upset and it caused some serious strains... but they are still married, nearly 30 years later. So don't say too much because you may still be hanging out with this guy in 30 years.

Anonymous wrote:How do these young women meet these older guys? What attracts them? What makes them stay? Curious. Don't mean to derail.

I was thinking the same thing. I think the young women have serious self-esteem and daddy issues.

Be careful of a man who proposes after 6 months.