Anonymous
12/26/2014 20:12
Subject: Sad for my kids - and me
Anonymous wrote:You sound amazing, thoughtful, intelligent, practical and kind. And like a great mother. Don't be afraid, you can do this. You have varied support, good skills, and faith. Find a
way to let some of the stress tears out when you can. Big big hug for you!
+1 you sound like a great person and a great mom OP.
Anonymous
12/26/2014 13:33
Subject: Sad for my kids - and me
Anonymous wrote:OP, you're a good mom and your strength and courage will inspire your kids for the rest of their lives. We went through something similar when I was in HS and my 2 siblings were also in MS and ES. We went from a very nice home to living in my grandparents basement. My mom at the time only made 14k a year w 3 kids, and we bought a very very modest home in a so so neighborhood. I won't lie, the economic change was a bit shocking for me in particular since I was the oldest. BUT, we were never happier. My mom was happy and calm, and that brought happiness and peace to my siblings. It made me wish that the desperation/divorce happened long before. Any issues me/my siblings have dealt with as adults have been due to the problems that arose during that stressful time of my parents marriage. While we had very very little, all our clothes from thrift stores, etc...happiness and peace healed many of the wounds and united us as a family. In the end, my mom saved money and bought a lovely house after a few years in another neighborhood. The economic hardships we had earlier somehow translated into all 3 of us being not too materialistic, really hard workers and actually thankfully quite successful. And you know what, we all are so proud of our mom. So proud and so thankful. And my Dad? He's the same. 20 years later and he's the same. The best thing my mom ever did was let him
GO. I had to deal with the pain of his non fathering behavior, but as soon as I allowed myself to accept him for a flawed human being and that's he's really more like a distant relative, I was able to move on. His family, also super dysfunctional. My mom didn't ask for much from him. He was the high earner but she didn't fight ( she should have). She let him just get away and it was a blessing. Much love to you and your kids.
OP, I just want to add that I have a similar story to this person. As a child, my mom and sibling and I went from living with my dad to living with my mom's parents for a few months, to sharing rent on a crappy little house with one of my mom's best friends who was also going through a divorce. We then lived in poverty for the next 10 years, with government assistance getting us by. It might sound awful, and I can only imagine how hard it was for my mom, as it is for you. But she was strong like you and never complained, even when we had no car and she had no job and only a roof over our heads because the landlord let us get behind in rent and didn't throw us out. But I still had a wonderful childhood. My mom loved us so dearly and told us that all the time, she was fun and a wonderful example to us kids. We also are adults now who have little value for material things, but we are very very close and always there for each other. My sibling and I are also successful, hard working and happy adults. And my dad is also still the same as he ever was. Although at first after the separation my sibling and I missed him terribly, by the time we were teens we were totally onto his game. And I can't tell you how many regrets he lives with now for screwing it all up. He's a very sad, pathetic lonely old man. I don't say that with any glee - it actually makes me very sad to think how his life has ended up - but just that you are going to be ok and even better without him.
Anonymous
12/25/2014 00:09
Subject: Sad for my kids - and me
Anonymous wrote:Hang in there OP. You will be your kids' hero someday. My mom for us out of a rough situation and gutted it out the way you are doing. My brother and I are in our 40s, relatively successful, and there is nothing we wouldn't do for her.
This! We spend the night of Christmas Eve at my moms every year for a reason. You are a hero.
Anonymous
12/24/2014 09:47
Subject: Sad for my kids - and me
OP, you're a good mom and your strength and courage will inspire your kids for the rest of their lives. We went through something similar when I was in HS and my 2 siblings were also in MS and ES. We went from a very nice home to living in my grandparents basement. My mom at the time only made 14k a year w 3 kids, and we bought a very very modest home in a so so neighborhood. I won't lie, the economic change was a bit shocking for me in particular since I was the oldest. BUT, we were never happier. My mom was happy and calm, and that brought happiness and peace to my siblings. It made me wish that the desperation/divorce happened long before. Any issues me/my siblings have dealt with as adults have been due to the problems that arose during that stressful time of my parents marriage. While we had very very little, all our clothes from thrift stores, etc...happiness and peace healed many of the wounds and united us as a family. In the end, my mom saved money and bought a lovely house after a few years in another neighborhood. The economic hardships we had earlier somehow translated into all 3 of us being not too materialistic, really hard workers and actually thankfully quite successful. And you know what, we all are so proud of our mom. So proud and so thankful. And my Dad? He's the same. 20 years later and he's the same. The best thing my mom ever did was let him
GO. I had to deal with the pain of his non fathering behavior, but as soon as I allowed myself to accept him for a flawed human being and that's he's really more like a distant relative, I was able to move on. His family, also super dysfunctional. My mom didn't ask for much from him. He was the high earner but she didn't fight ( she should have). She let him just get away and it was a blessing. Much love to you and your kids.
GO. I had to deal with the pain of his non fathering behavior, but as soon as I allowed myself to accept him for a flawed human being and that's he's really more like a distant relative, I was able to move on. His family, also super dysfunctional. My mom didn't ask for much from him. He was the high earner but she didn't fight ( she should have). She let him just get away and it was a blessing. Much love to you and your kids.
Anonymous
12/24/2014 09:29
Subject: Sad for my kids - and me
I'm very sorry to hear this. The holidays can be joyous, but they can be sad as well. Unlike you, I was a divorcing father, she had found someone new and I was locked out. For me there were many lonely holidays over a few year period, but eventually I recovered. I'm not a very resilient person and I suffered. Everything I had worked during many years was gone in a flash. She got our children, possessions and even our friends.
It took time, too much time, but I did recover and rebuilt my life.
There were a couple things I learned along the way about holidays. There is too much hype around many holidays; in the end holidays are just one more day on the calendar. We can love and enjoy the company of our family on any Monday or a Tuesday, and it doesn't need to be wrapped with a big ribbon or a bow.
I'm sorry these holidays will be rough for you and your children, but know that kids are pretty resilient and in the long term you too will find peace
Wishing you well
It took time, too much time, but I did recover and rebuilt my life.
There were a couple things I learned along the way about holidays. There is too much hype around many holidays; in the end holidays are just one more day on the calendar. We can love and enjoy the company of our family on any Monday or a Tuesday, and it doesn't need to be wrapped with a big ribbon or a bow.
I'm sorry these holidays will be rough for you and your children, but know that kids are pretty resilient and in the long term you too will find peace
Wishing you well
Anonymous
12/24/2014 08:46
Subject: Sad for my kids - and me
You sound amazing, thoughtful, intelligent, practical and kind. And like a great mother. Don't be afraid, you can do this. You have varied support, good skills, and faith. Find a
way to let some of the stress tears out when you can. Big big hug for you!
way to let some of the stress tears out when you can. Big big hug for you!
Anonymous
12/24/2014 08:28
Subject: Sad for my kids - and me
Anonymous wrote:Hugs OP. Maybe reframing would help? Sounds like you are better off without STBX than with him. That may or may not go for his parents as well. Any time spent being sad/mad about something STBX has done is time letting him live in your head for free. My kids say, Mom, you do you. Spend your time and energy figuring out how to increase your income and lower your expenses so you can get a place to live. Use your resources including the church. It's hard but you can do it! Hugs!
Thank you all sooo much. This anonymous space has allowed me to share feelings that I just don't want to burden my wonderful (and they are indeed wonderful, and many) friends with. They've gone through a lot with me, so I'm very conscious about overloading them. Yes on reframing - which I try to do. I think I'm hitting a wall. And I don't spend any excess energy being angry at STBX - I'm not angry anymore. I can't change him, and I don't even ask - except to respect the boundaries regarding our kids. Sad, not because of him per se,, but for our situation for my kids. No one wants this for their children. I try to be careful in how I spend my energy - and most of it is focused on my kids, and myself. My expenses are really low right now, but so is my income. But since it's been years since I've held a salaried position (I freelance 20 - 30 hours a week), I'm not so confident in that area. I've seen headhunters, and applied for jobs, and networked, and I understand that it takes time. But I have soft skills, and while I know I can be successful, I'm also aware that I'm the one who is going to need to jump out to take a kid to the doc. So that's not a plus in my column. That's a bunch of stuff swirling in my brain.
I'm going to table it for today, relish the cozy rainy weather, and hang with my kiddos and wrap presents (all bought at VV and our church bazaar - yay on bargains!). I hope you all have a wonderful holiday - and when I'm feeling cruddy - i get to come back and re-read all your supportive words. Seriously, that's going to happen.
Kindness can happen in the most unlikely of places. So thank you for your kindness in this random space. I needed it.
Anonymous
12/24/2014 06:53
Subject: Sad for my kids - and me
Hang in there OP. You will be your kids' hero someday. My mom for us out of a rough situation and gutted it out the way you are doing. My brother and I are in our 40s, relatively successful, and there is nothing we wouldn't do for her.
Anonymous
12/24/2014 06:43
Subject: Sad for my kids - and me
Hugs OP. Maybe reframing would help? Sounds like you are better off without STBX than with him. That may or may not go for his parents as well. Any time spent being sad/mad about something STBX has done is time letting him live in your head for free. My kids say, Mom, you do you. Spend your time and energy figuring out how to increase your income and lower your expenses so you can get a place to live. Use your resources including the church. It's hard but you can do it! Hugs!
Anonymous
12/24/2014 00:08
Subject: Sad for my kids - and me
Our purpose on earth is to glorify God. To glorify love . God is love.
Nobody suffered more than Saint Paul . God told him "in your weakness my glory is increased". We are created weak. The reckoning comes at different times for everyone but nobody escapes .
Nobody suffered more than Saint Paul . God told him "in your weakness my glory is increased". We are created weak. The reckoning comes at different times for everyone but nobody escapes .