Anonymous
12/18/2014 09:45
Subject: Re:Does anyone have a genuinely good relationship with their parents?
Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks to all who have responded. It was especially helpful to hear WHY people felt that their dynamics were positive with their parents.
One difference between DH and me is that I have always known that my family was messed up and not the norm. There was significant substance abuse that fueled neglect and outright abuse and I could not wait to get out. I did and succeeded. DH, on the other hand, always thought his family was "normal" and "functional" and it was only well into adulthood that he can see that there was significant dysfunction. His conversations with his parents are awkward (his wording), infrequent, and unpleasant. They barely visit each other. Have no hobbies or activities in common, so actual visits are awkward and boring. And most of all, his parents are highly judgmental, don't respect him as an adult, interpret their adult kids' actions in their own life as somehow directly reflecting on them all the time, take things personally, etc. It's an odd combination of them wanting their kids to cater to them while at the same time doing nothing for the kids. He walks on eggshells with them. They have never helped him practically or financially and are not emotionally supportive.
I was very surprised when he told me he sees this as the unavoidable norm in adult child-parent relationships. I'm glad that this is not necessarily the case.
Holy Cow. Are you me and my husband? This is the best, most succinct explanation of what makes a child-parent relationship fail.
Anonymous
12/18/2014 09:25
Subject: Re:Does anyone have a genuinely good relationship with their parents?
Anonymous wrote:I had a great relationship with my dad until his death. I usually had dinner with him once a week. He watched my kid once a week, too. We went on vacation together once a year. I did legal work for his business. He helped me with home repairs.
I had a terrible relationship with my mother, though.
Were they married?
Anonymous
12/18/2014 09:19
Subject: Re:Does anyone have a genuinely good relationship with their parents?
Yes, I have a genuinely wonderful relationship with my father. He is one of the all around good guys. I cherish the time I have with him as he gets older and how wonderful he is to my child. He was genuinely loved as a child so he has warm unconditional love to share with others. We disagree about politics but it is great on all other fronts. He is one of the best blessings I have in my life.
One of my great regrets in life is that I never found a man to love that is as wonderful as my dad.
I had a very rocky relationship with my mother though (different even though mom and dad married all along). I am glad that she and I made peace for several years before she died. I know she was proud of me and loved me and although I could not share my deepest thoughts we could enjoy time together and some shared interests.
A friend who lost both her parents in a short time told me once how important it is if you can to make peace with your parents (whatever that means to you) before they die. She had not made her peace with one of them and told me how difficult it was to cope with that once they are dead and you can't say what you need to say to them.
Susan
One of my great regrets in life is that I never found a man to love that is as wonderful as my dad.
I had a very rocky relationship with my mother though (different even though mom and dad married all along). I am glad that she and I made peace for several years before she died. I know she was proud of me and loved me and although I could not share my deepest thoughts we could enjoy time together and some shared interests.
A friend who lost both her parents in a short time told me once how important it is if you can to make peace with your parents (whatever that means to you) before they die. She had not made her peace with one of them and told me how difficult it was to cope with that once they are dead and you can't say what you need to say to them.
Susan
Anonymous
12/18/2014 08:56
Subject: Does anyone have a genuinely good relationship with their parents?
Anonymous wrote:I do not. My parents divorced when I was a toddler and each went on to remarry when I was a preteen, and went on to have more children. I felt like an afterthought. Still do. Am leaving their care as they get older to my younger brothers. Yes, I am bitter.
I am very jealous of many people who've posted here. I wish it didn't bother me and that I could be happy for you all.
You're not alone. Especially bothers me around the Holidays. My mom has made my life hell, and my dad was gone by the time I was 7. Just didn't luck out in the parent department
Anonymous
12/18/2014 04:23
Subject: Does anyone have a genuinely good relationship with their parents?
I'm estranged from my mother but my father and I are very close. We text all the time, have lunch once a week, sometimes more often. FIL is dead but he and DH had a difficult relationship. DH has a good relationship with his mom but they probably only talk once or twice a month and we visit MIL every few months. I used to talk to MIL several times a week but now not so much. Still adore her though.
Anonymous
12/17/2014 15:57
Subject: Re:Does anyone have a genuinely good relationship with their parents?
only child here, have a great relationship with them. i try to speak to both everyday. i'm becoming increasingly aware of mortality.
Anonymous
12/17/2014 14:52
Subject: Re:Does anyone have a genuinely good relationship with their parents?
Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks to all who have responded. It was especially helpful to hear WHY people felt that their dynamics were positive with their parents.
One difference between DH and me is that I have always known that my family was messed up and not the norm. There was significant substance abuse that fueled neglect and outright abuse and I could not wait to get out. I did and succeeded. DH, on the other hand, always thought his family was "normal" and "functional" and it was only well into adulthood that he can see that there was significant dysfunction. His conversations with his parents are awkward (his wording), infrequent, and unpleasant. They barely visit each other. Have no hobbies or activities in common, so actual visits are awkward and boring. And most of all, his parents are highly judgmental, don't respect him as an adult, interpret their adult kids' actions in their own life as somehow directly reflecting on them all the time, take things personally, etc. It's an odd combination of them wanting their kids to cater to them while at the same time doing nothing for the kids. He walks on eggshells with them. They have never helped him practically or financially and are not emotionally supportive.
I was very surprised when he told me he sees this as the unavoidable norm in adult child-parent relationships. I'm glad that this is not necessarily the case.
PP here who responded this morning about my DH's family who thinks they're close but aren't - I could have written this post of yours. I honestly think that seeing my family has really shaken DH, who has realized how dysfunctional his family really is, particularly the kid-parent relationships he and his siblings have with their mother and father. I think it really saddens him now that he realizes this (and also sees that his mom in particular isn't a very nice person). I just try to be supportive.
I guess I sort of feel like the key to happy relationships is honesty. You are obviously an introspective person who is thinking about how she wants to parent and how she wants her relationships with her kids to be. Add honesty to that and I think you can't lose. Your kids are lucky!
Anonymous
12/17/2014 12:13
Subject: Re:Does anyone have a genuinely good relationship with their parents?
OP here. Thanks to all who have responded. It was especially helpful to hear WHY people felt that their dynamics were positive with their parents.
One difference between DH and me is that I have always known that my family was messed up and not the norm. There was significant substance abuse that fueled neglect and outright abuse and I could not wait to get out. I did and succeeded. DH, on the other hand, always thought his family was "normal" and "functional" and it was only well into adulthood that he can see that there was significant dysfunction. His conversations with his parents are awkward (his wording), infrequent, and unpleasant. They barely visit each other. Have no hobbies or activities in common, so actual visits are awkward and boring. And most of all, his parents are highly judgmental, don't respect him as an adult, interpret their adult kids' actions in their own life as somehow directly reflecting on them all the time, take things personally, etc. It's an odd combination of them wanting their kids to cater to them while at the same time doing nothing for the kids. He walks on eggshells with them. They have never helped him practically or financially and are not emotionally supportive.
I was very surprised when he told me he sees this as the unavoidable norm in adult child-parent relationships. I'm glad that this is not necessarily the case.
One difference between DH and me is that I have always known that my family was messed up and not the norm. There was significant substance abuse that fueled neglect and outright abuse and I could not wait to get out. I did and succeeded. DH, on the other hand, always thought his family was "normal" and "functional" and it was only well into adulthood that he can see that there was significant dysfunction. His conversations with his parents are awkward (his wording), infrequent, and unpleasant. They barely visit each other. Have no hobbies or activities in common, so actual visits are awkward and boring. And most of all, his parents are highly judgmental, don't respect him as an adult, interpret their adult kids' actions in their own life as somehow directly reflecting on them all the time, take things personally, etc. It's an odd combination of them wanting their kids to cater to them while at the same time doing nothing for the kids. He walks on eggshells with them. They have never helped him practically or financially and are not emotionally supportive.
I was very surprised when he told me he sees this as the unavoidable norm in adult child-parent relationships. I'm glad that this is not necessarily the case.
Anonymous
12/17/2014 11:45
Subject: Does anyone have a genuinely good relationship with their parents?
Yes, I am close to my parents. We love each other very much, and enjoy each other's company for the most part. As they age it gets more difficult because care giving enters into the dynamic, and that is hard. But they are wonderful people and I love and admire them.
Anonymous
12/17/2014 11:35
Subject: Does anyone have a genuinely good relationship with their parents?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I am estanged from my parents. DH's parents are difficult and have mental health issues.
Our children are young (under 10) but we are working hard to raise them with love, open communication, boundaries, and shared activities. I realize there is no guarantee as there are many variables but I hope that when they are adults, they want to have close contact and shared activities. To my surprise, DH revealed that he thinks no one really has this with their parents and it's too much to hope for.
Does anyone just call their parents to say hi? Share a story and ask for advice? Meet up to do something they enjoy with them? Besides purely out of obligation?
Yes, of course. This is the norm. What you describe is the exception. I'm sorry that you're in that situation.
I tend to agree that being closer is the norm.
I would love to live in the same town as my parents but I come from a jobless wasteland!
Anonymous
12/17/2014 11:19
Subject: Does anyone have a genuinely good relationship with their parents?
As much as I love my parents, I could never speak to them every day. There just isn't that much "news."
Anonymous
12/17/2014 10:03
Subject: Re:Does anyone have a genuinely good relationship with their parents?
I had a great relationship with my dad until his death. I usually had dinner with him once a week. He watched my kid once a week, too. We went on vacation together once a year. I did legal work for his business. He helped me with home repairs.
I had a terrible relationship with my mother, though.
I had a terrible relationship with my mother, though.
Anonymous
12/17/2014 10:00
Subject: Does anyone have a genuinely good relationship with their parents?
I talk to my mom every day (she lives in another country). She knows the minutia of my life and she is my biggest support in life (apart from DH).
My mom and dad are the most loving parents that any child could have. They have supported all their children, spouses, grandkids through our good and bad times.
I have good relations with my ILs too. Infact, DH's parents are very standoffish with everyone, but have thawed over the years with me.
DH adores my parents and they adore him back.
I chose a guy who is as loving and family oriented as my dad and brothers.
My mom and dad are the most loving parents that any child could have. They have supported all their children, spouses, grandkids through our good and bad times.
I have good relations with my ILs too. Infact, DH's parents are very standoffish with everyone, but have thawed over the years with me.
DH adores my parents and they adore him back.
I chose a guy who is as loving and family oriented as my dad and brothers.
Anonymous
12/17/2014 09:53
Subject: Does anyone have a genuinely good relationship with their parents?
Anonymous wrote:I am estanged from my parents. DH's parents are difficult and have mental health issues.
Our children are young (under 10) but we are working hard to raise them with love, open communication, boundaries, and shared activities. I realize there is no guarantee as there are many variables but I hope that when they are adults, they want to have close contact and shared activities. To my surprise, DH revealed that he thinks no one really has this with their parents and it's too much to hope for.
Does anyone just call their parents to say hi? Share a story and ask for advice? Meet up to do something they enjoy with them? Besides purely out of obligation?
Yes, of course. This is the norm. What you describe is the exception. I'm sorry that you're in that situation.
Anonymous
12/17/2014 09:52
Subject: Does anyone have a genuinely good relationship with their parents?
I have a good relationship with my parents and one of my three siblings willingly stays in touch outside of just holidays & when he needs something. DH's parents are a bit more challenging, but he tries to maintain a decent relationship with them - it's hard though because they don't respect him as an adult. I think people who are able to have good adult relationships with their parents have parents who respect that they are now adults and have to make decisions for themselves. The parents who can't give up that role of managing the child's life, even after the child is now an adult, really put themselves in an impossible position.