Anonymous wrote:get his phone and gather all the communications you can proving his infidelity. Do it now before he deletes everything. he knows where this is heading. what a fuck head. Why do parents (not always the dad, I know) do this shit to their kids? And they fact that he txted this person tells me there was no regret. And how in the hell did he txt YOU by mistake?

THIS.

OP- from your post it sounded like he came home and BLAMED YOU? Did he even apologize or regret his actions?

OP I'm so sorry. He sounds like a selfish asshole, not to mention a total jerk. I think you should seek out a divorce lawyer.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here thanks I strangely feel better sharing this with someone. The presentation went fine.

I know its not my fault. It is a choice to cheat. Any problems in my marriage are joint, I play a role and so does he. We have had problems and ups and downs like most and yet I never cheated. However, it is not on me what he choose to do next. If you are hungry and go to Safeway and steal, it is still wrong. I think its a coward's way out to just try to find someone else.

Part of me thinks he maybe wanted me to see it? Who would be that stupid to text wife instead of love interest. I am grateful I didn't have to suffer not knowing.

Thanks for support.

Op- just went through this last spring (16 year marriage). I think mine wanted to get caught too.

Ignore the haters that will try to assign 100% blame to you.

I was still having sex with DH. He wanted variety (as in other women)--it wasn't anything I wasn't doing. I am very fit, attractive, work--and frankly the wife that is hit on by all of the neighbors.

I think there was a bit of a mid-life crisis and ennui going on. You need total transparency and a good marriage counselor.

Be careful who you confide in. I didn't tell anyone full details. I only told one super trustworthy relative we were having trouble but not the cheating part.

Until you know what you will do- play it close to the chest. There is a lot you need to know. There is a lot you needs to assess. And--make him get a full battery if STD tests and provide a copy to you.

Sorry. Good luck.

So from what you've written, PP, are we to assume that you stayed in your marriage?

Anonymous wrote:get his phone and gather all the communications you can proving his infidelity. Do it now before he deletes everything. he knows where this is heading. what a fuck head. Why do parents (not always the dad, I know) do this shit to their kids? And they fact that he txted this person tells me there was no regret. And how in the hell did he txt YOU by mistake?

Gurls! You can just subpeaona the communications records. AND I think you can actually get the content of the text messages.

Anonymous wrote:If you decide to leave him, don't take the kids and leave the house. YOU stay in the house with the kids.

Make him leave the house, either by agreeing, or by packing up his stuff and getting an Oakwood apartment for him, depositing it there, and changing the locks.

Sorry, OP.

This, also get tested for STD stat. It may very well not be his first rodeo.

Anonymous wrote:OP here thanks I strangely feel better sharing this with someone. The presentation went fine.

I know its not my fault. It is a choice to cheat. Any problems in my marriage are joint, I play a role and so does he. We have had problems and ups and downs like most and yet I never cheated. However, it is not on me what he choose to do next. If you are hungry and go to Safeway and steal, it is still wrong. I think its a coward's way out to just try to find someone else.

Part of me thinks he maybe wanted me to see it? Who would be that stupid to text wife instead of love interest. I am grateful I didn't have to suffer not knowing.

Thanks for support.

Op- just went through this last spring (16 year marriage). I think mine wanted to get caught too.

Ignore the haters that will try to assign 100% blame to you.

I was still having sex with DH. He wanted variety (as in other women)--it wasn't anything I wasn't doing. I am very fit, attractive, work--and frankly the wife that is hit on by all of the neighbors.

I think there was a bit of a mid-life crisis and ennui going on. You need total transparency and a good marriage counselor.

Be careful who you confide in. I didn't tell anyone full details. I only told one super trustworthy relative we were having trouble but not the cheating part.

Until you know what you will do- play it close to the chest. There is a lot you need to know. There is a lot you needs to assess. And--make him get a full battery if STD tests and provide a copy to you.

Sorry. Good luck.

Hi OP,

I've been in your shoes. You're doing great. A couple of thoughts to share:

1) Just focus on what you need to do to make it through the holidays.

2) Don't make any big decisions right now. Just figure out your options and the ramifications of each one. Think about what it would mean to stay together. What does it mean to divorce or separate?

3) Definitely talk to a lawyer and a counselor/therapist. The lawyer can guide you through the legal process. The therapist will help you figure out what makes sense for you and your family.

4) Your kids are your top priority and your DH is their father. You won't win any points, at any time, bashing him to them. You don't sound like you're someone who needs to hear that but it's worth saying.

I am with you - I think it's cowardly as shit to cheat. And for me, my ex was out of my house in 5 days and left the marriage with nothing except his car, his clothes and personal effects. And anything else that I didn't want to see again. I don't regret a single one of my actions but it took me a long time to heal. I basically turned off my emotions and just functioned in a hyper-methodical way. That worked well for me.

If you just take it one day at a time, you'll figure out the best course for you and your kids.

Please do not take advice from DCUM folks. You have reacted very sensibly and so trust your decisions. You have to decide what is best for you, your kids and your spouse,

Some counselling is important. If you want to divorce then do that, if you want to work at it, then do that.

Do not take advice from DCUM

Get into both individual and couples therapy and see if it can be worked out. It will take a few months to clear your head. It's not as easy as people think to pull the plug on a marriage. See a psychiatrist (not a GP) and get anti-anxiety meds so you can focus at work.

Op, this is some serious sh*t. And right before Christmas, too. I'm so sorry.

I think you need to get the kids a babysitter and have a conversation with your husband about what has happened and what this will mean for your future. I know everyone is saying - talk to a lawyer! That is not bad advice but only you can say whether or not this is the end or really a wake up call for counseling, etc.

I am very sorry this happened to you OP. Words cannot heal your pain + I want to send a huge cyber hug your way as well as send you some positive energy and good vibes as well.

Take care of YOU. Do not let this destroy you.

You need to function and keep yourself together both for your children and for your career. Do not fall apart. It can be so easy to do so at this point, but please do not. Once you do, then it will be like a domino effect. Everything else will just all apart.

Stay strong and keep in mind you are so much better than this. You do not deserve what he did to you. You got the short end of the stick here and this is not fair.

If I were you, I would wait until the holidays are over before making any rash decisions.

Then once the hustle and bustle of the holidays are over, I would seriously take a step back and take a good hard look at this marriage and see if it can be saved and if you are willing to save it.

Good luck to you OP.

(((( Huge Hugs ))))

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hire a lawyer who regularly handles contested family law matters, and get a first meeting asap. Keep a journal- you'll soon forget facts. Have your lawyer write him a letter to vacate the family home. Don't let the fact that the holidays are coming up be used as a ploy to stay together. Get counseling. Confide in 1-2 close family or friend (mom, best friend) - you will need emotional support and also help with the kids during the holidays especially

His lawyer will advise him to NOT leave the family home. I always tell men this. It's abandonment and will affect custody. Most men expect 50% joint custody.

Barring abuse or drug and alcohol problems or mental health problems, the custody should be joint. Both parents should participate in raising the kids and in the decision making. You divorce your husband. Your kids don't divorce their father.

True, but also true that when you cheat on your spouse, in a way you're cheating your kids too.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hire a lawyer who regularly handles contested family law matters, and get a first meeting asap. Keep a journal- you'll soon forget facts. Have your lawyer write him a letter to vacate the family home. Don't let the fact that the holidays are coming up be used as a ploy to stay together. Get counseling. Confide in 1-2 close family or friend (mom, best friend) - you will need emotional support and also help with the kids during the holidays especially

His lawyer will advise him to NOT leave the family home. I always tell men this. It's abandonment and will affect custody. Most men expect 50% joint custody.

Barring abuse or drug and alcohol problems or mental health problems, the custody should be joint. Both parents should participate in raising the kids and in the decision making. You divorce your husband. Your kids don't divorce their father.

I'm the PP who advised you to keep a journal. Many people do stupid things- only you can decide what you are willing to put up with and what's best for you and your family. Whatever you do, *DON'T* have sex with him again because that's legally taken as reconciliation, even if you end up divorcing after you reconcile. Go see a lawyer pronto