Op, just because he is elderly doesn't mean anything!!

Have you never heard the phrase dirty old man?

Anonymous wrote:But would you still go for holidays? Impossible to go just for day - would be overnights.

No.

Do not let your kids out of your sight if he is around.

Trust your instincts OP. Stay the hell away and fuck what anyone has to say about it.

Anonymous wrote:Op here : these people are elderly now. And again? It's inexplicable why after several
Visits in between my daughter's reticence I am now just having a "no" moment. It's less frankly worry
About whether something would happen - elderly person - it's more the never an acknowledgment ever, and
It was minor but effected me. But I don't think I can tell them - how should I handle holiday?
This desire is really out of clear blue to say today is day I look
Back at that time and say I remember being so uncomfirtable.

OP I'm just going to say this to you straight: you sound like even after 3 pages of "trust your gut! protect your child! Do not leave your child alone with this person EVER!" you are STILL determined to find a reason to not do anything different and not say anything. You sound like you are trying to talk yourself out of having to act.

I don't know what that's about, but I need to ask you the same question someone else did: if you try to squash your concerns about this, you don't change anything, you allow this relative to have access to your daughter, and something bad happens, how will you feel? Why are you willing to take the risk?

There are several degrees of boundary setting that are possible here. You do NOT need to cut off all contact, stop visiting, etc. You probably DO need to shorten your visits, and be VIGILANT and never ever leave your daughter alone in the home with that relative. Which includes leaving her alone with the relative and that relative's immediate family. Once your daughter leaves your sight, you have no idea who will allow what access.

It's not a very fun way to spend the holidays, following your little girl everywhere, but if you cannot bring yourself to just not visit, then this is what you must do.

I'm very concerned about the way you're backpeddling and sounding like you're looking for ANY reason to just do what you always do. What will you do if your daughter is harmed? And you considered trying to prevent it, and then talked yourself out of it? That would not be fair to her or to you. Protect your child.

I was sexually abused as a child by a trusted adult close to my family. I was never raped, but lots of incidents like you describe and worse. I spent years in therapy and still look back in horror at the thought other girls suffered because I never said a word. And I would die a thousand painful deaths if my daughter ever had to go through anything like what I did. Keep your daughter safe. And see a therapist.

Yes. Op, you can make up a number of reasons to either not go, or go and have your dd sleep with you in bed and you don't let her out of your shoot. You could say she's sick, you want to monitor her throughout night, you could just say you want to spend time with her. If you get push back just keep being insistent.
Look, I had a similar experience with a cousin. Same situation where we had intense close family. I used every excuse in the book to keep my kids away from him. After a while everyone just chalked it up to me being crazy.

OP you don't have to make a big deal out of this, which you obviously seem inclined not to do.

But you cannot let him have the opportunity to be alone with your daughter or even close to it. Stay in a hotel or with friends. Keep the visits short or don't go. You don't have to explain why you are doing this. Just do it.

For example, just say that DD is sick and cancel the visit. Or say that your doctor recommended a hotel for X reason. Just make sure things stay safe. Don't be stupid. The consequences for this are so much smaller than if something happened to your DD. Your number one job is to keep her safe. You know there is a problem, you are just wishing it would go away.

Op here : these people are elderly now. And again? It's inexplicable why after several
Visits in between my daughter's reticence I am now just having a "no" moment. It's less frankly worry
About whether something would happen - elderly person - it's more the never an acknowledgment ever, and
It was minor but effected me. But I don't think I can tell them - how should I handle holiday?
This desire is really out of clear blue to say today is day I look
Back at that time and say I remember being so uncomfirtable.

Those therapists were giving you the wrong message, or you misunderstood. LISTEN TO YOUR GUT. When someone does something that feels creepy or inappropriate, don't dismiss it. They are messing with your boundaries, which humans and animals have as a sense/gut feeling to protect themselves and their babies from potential harm. Keep your distance from someone who makes you feel this. Keep your kids away from them. You're not hurting anyone by taking this action. Don't worry about trying to define what happened, or figure out why you have this feeling about this person. You owe no one an explanation.

Op here : I truly am absorbing all the comments and
Am appreciative. I had mentioned that one incident
Years ago to two therapists and they really dismissed
It likely because not overt. I think that didn't help my confidence.

OP you need help. You need to see a therapist. I hope nothing happens to your child or your other family members...

Op here : I truly appreciate everyone's thoughts. I need
To isolate the one incident I mentioned - the neck, the hands etc. The other memory or 2 are vague, a feeling. But
Even that isolated memory is more judgement call, meaning not
Really an overt act, not criminal, but an inappropriate moment surrounded by
The greatness of someone all the rest of the time. It's like truly ALL of a sudden bothering me and
I'm doubting myself a lot. Because it never went down the bad road in that incident.

Unanimity is so rare on DCUM that you shoudl really pay attention to what people are saying.

Where there is one cockroach, there are many more. Please get your daughter to a therapist to determine if she was abused. What that relative did to you was unacceptable and it means he lacks boundaries with minors. I don't care that he didn't touch your privates. He showed that he was willing to cross boundaries with what he did do. The fact that your daughter was emphatic about not seeing him is not good. Don't stay at their house, no matter what. If you sweep it under the rug and something does happen to your daughter or to other relatives, you won't be able to live with the guilt.

This person (sounds like grandpa to me) has predatory instincts! Why are you even hesitating? He has it within him to do harm. You know it first hand. You may not know other facts, like whether he's gotten help, or ever done it again,but you do know for certain he is capable of it. You'd risk your daughter for appearances?