Anonymous
12/08/2014 11:45
Subject: Re:DH and MIL lied to me about knowing about our pregnancy
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:You ARE overreacting. It sounds like you need to take a deep breath and just let go already. This woman is your child's grandmother. Work to forgive little issues like passive-aggressive comments (so not a big deal) and build a good relationship.
+1
She's easily offended and very insecure. You may be able to help that and reduce the passive aggressive behavior by trying to establish a positive and healthy relationship in which you show her you want her as part of your life and value her. If that doesn't work, just ignore her silly behavior. It's not worth holding on to in this manner.
Dude, if letting things go were that simple, everyone would let everything go, wouldn't they?? I'm asking how. Right now I don't want a positive relationship with her. Is there anything that someone can say to help me get there? Calling me an awful person isn't really going to help, just going to push me farther in the other direction.
I realize that most DCUMers don't ACTUALLY want to help btw, but every now and then someone comes out and tries
Most people who post here don't ACTUALLY want to hear the truth or want help, they want to have their feelings validated. You ARE overreacting, in addition to being just plain silly. It was 2 yrs ago, you're making a big deal of NOTHING, and you are blaming the wrong person. Good grief.
I don't think that characterization of me is fair - I am just letting you all know that without the "how," "just move on" isn't helpful. Some people have come through with the how, which is helpful.
Anonymous
12/08/2014 11:45
Subject: Re:DH and MIL lied to me about knowing about our pregnancy
Anonymous wrote:
I am always going to be someone who is not willing to share a pregnancy until after the first trimester. DH knew this before we got pregnant and as we struggled through various infertility issues. It is part of my culture and also just part of how I best deal with difficult situations. Next time I may have to keep the pregnancy entirely to myself, but if that is what I have to do, that is what I have to do. I can't compromise on this one.
So if your DH is always someone who wants to share such exciting news with his parents, especially after the time most people share, then...what?
As someone who has, in fact, struggled (permanently, in fact) with infertility issues I am amazed that you are focusing on this in light of the fact that you have a healthy child. Really, this is just nonsense. You are looking for a reason to cause a problem. And your DH's poor mom! Tasked with an exciting secret she wasn't supposed to know, she didn't lie well and you are mad at HER? Poor woman obviously was stuck between a rock and a hard place.
Anonymous
12/08/2014 11:45
Subject: DH and MIL lied to me about knowing about our pregnancy
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Yup. It's all DH's fault, so take it up with him. You should tell your MIL that you know now, though.
I did take it up with DH... how should I tell MIL that I know?
You shouldn't.
If anything, realize that DH hurt her too. Forgive her how she dealt with it.
Well I was responding to PP who said I should...
But to you that are saying "just deal with it," this is not helpful for me because I am hurting. How should I deal with it?
I'm not sure how DH hurt her, though.
He mistakenly slips about a pregnancy instead of "Mom, great news, you are going to be a grandma!" That would hurt. But that is between her and your DH. You are just collateral damage. There is no need to talk to MIL about it. Just keep moving forward until eventually you feel better. That might take a couple years. Focus on the things you do like about her, how you can get along, and otherwise let DH largely deal with his parents.
I am the PP whose MIL asked DH to lie to me--seeing how much DS loves MIL has helped as has giving up on having any relationship of substance with the ILs. Lower your expectations, enjoy what is good, let time pass...that's it.
Right, this is basically the answer.
I am someone who needs to address something directly to heal from it, and if this need can't be met, I will never have a relationship of substance with her.
Anonymous
12/08/2014 11:44
Subject: Re:DH and MIL lied to me about knowing about our pregnancy
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:You ARE overreacting. It sounds like you need to take a deep breath and just let go already. This woman is your child's grandmother. Work to forgive little issues like passive-aggressive comments (so not a big deal) and build a good relationship.
+1
She's easily offended and very insecure. You may be able to help that and reduce the passive aggressive behavior by trying to establish a positive and healthy relationship in which you show her you want her as part of your life and value her. If that doesn't work, just ignore her silly behavior. It's not worth holding on to in this manner.
Dude, if letting things go were that simple, everyone would let everything go, wouldn't they?? I'm asking how. Right now I don't want a positive relationship with her. Is there anything that someone can say to help me get there? Calling me an awful person isn't really going to help, just going to push me farther in the other direction.
I realize that most DCUMers don't ACTUALLY want to help btw, but every now and then someone comes out and tries
Most people who post here don't ACTUALLY want to hear the truth or want help, they want to have their feelings validated. You ARE overreacting, in addition to being just plain silly. It was 2 yrs ago, you're making a big deal of NOTHING, and you are blaming the wrong person. Good grief.
Anonymous
12/08/2014 11:43
Subject: Re:DH and MIL lied to me about knowing about our pregnancy
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:The whole thing is ridiculous, especially the part about DH not being to tell his mother his wife is pregnant.
Was waiting for this one.
I am always going to be someone who is not willing to share a pregnancy until after the first trimester. DH knew this before we got pregnant and as we struggled through various infertility issues. It is part of my culture and also just part of how I best deal with difficult situations. Next time I may have to keep the pregnancy entirely to myself, but if that is what I have to do, that is what I have to do. I can't compromise on this one.
17 weeks is well into the 2nd trimester.
That part of it was supposed to be fun... I would probably be willing to tell people earlier than that in the future, if things were going well - but our families had something planned and we wanted to tell them all together in person.
If DH had told me "I'm going to tell my mom, I can't not do it," then I would have told my own mom too. But we agreed not to do that.
Anonymous
12/08/2014 11:43
Subject: DH and MIL lied to me about knowing about our pregnancy
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Yup. It's all DH's fault, so take it up with him. You should tell your MIL that you know now, though.
I did take it up with DH... how should I tell MIL that I know?
You shouldn't.
If anything, realize that DH hurt her too. Forgive her how she dealt with it.
Well I was responding to PP who said I should...
But to you that are saying "just deal with it," this is not helpful for me because I am hurting. How should I deal with it?
I'm not sure how DH hurt her, though.
He mistakenly slips about a pregnancy instead of "Mom, great news, you are going to be a grandma!" That would hurt. But that is between her and your DH. You are just collateral damage. There is no need to talk to MIL about it. Just keep moving forward until eventually you feel better. That might take a couple years. Focus on the things you do like about her, how you can get along, and otherwise let DH largely deal with his parents.
I am the PP whose MIL asked DH to lie to me--seeing how much DS loves MIL has helped as has giving up on having any relationship of substance with the ILs. Lower your expectations, enjoy what is good, let time pass...that's it.
Anonymous
12/08/2014 11:43
Subject: Re:DH and MIL lied to me about knowing about our pregnancy
I think you sound like a petulant ninny who has nothing else to worry about. The more you 'explain' and whine, the more absurd it sounds. Really, just move on. I don't even remotely get what you have hurt feelings about 2 yrs later.
I feel for your future DIL or SIL. Good grief, drama queen.
I feel for your future DIL or SIL. Good grief, drama queen.
Anonymous
12/08/2014 11:41
Subject: Re:DH and MIL lied to me about knowing about our pregnancy
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:You ARE overreacting. It sounds like you need to take a deep breath and just let go already. This woman is your child's grandmother. Work to forgive little issues like passive-aggressive comments (so not a big deal) and build a good relationship.
+1
She's easily offended and very insecure. You may be able to help that and reduce the passive aggressive behavior by trying to establish a positive and healthy relationship in which you show her you want her as part of your life and value her. If that doesn't work, just ignore her silly behavior. It's not worth holding on to in this manner.
Dude, if letting things go were that simple, everyone would let everything go, wouldn't they?? I'm asking how. Right now I don't want a positive relationship with her. Is there anything that someone can say to help me get there? Calling me an awful person isn't really going to help, just going to push me farther in the other direction.
I realize that most DCUMers don't ACTUALLY want to help btw, but every now and then someone comes out and tries
Anonymous
12/08/2014 11:41
Subject: Re:DH and MIL lied to me about knowing about our pregnancy
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:The whole thing is ridiculous, especially the part about DH not being to tell his mother his wife is pregnant.
Was waiting for this one.
I am always going to be someone who is not willing to share a pregnancy until after the first trimester. DH knew this before we got pregnant and as we struggled through various infertility issues. It is part of my culture and also just part of how I best deal with difficult situations. Next time I may have to keep the pregnancy entirely to myself, but if that is what I have to do, that is what I have to do. I can't compromise on this one.
17 weeks is well into the 2nd trimester.
Anonymous
12/08/2014 11:40
Subject: Re:DH and MIL lied to me about knowing about our pregnancy
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:You hold on to things for far too long. 1.5 years later? Should not be an issue or even cross your mind. Also is it productive to discuss how your relationship went wrong with MIL? Why not focus on either improving it or improving your boundaries/expectations?
But I just learned about it a few weeks ago.
I'm asking how to improve it in light of this.
You learned about it because you did not let it go and your husband was trying to finally relieve you of hating his Mother. Instead you are now making it into a new issue. Can you see how unproductive that is?
Improve your relationship in light of what? Your husband's betrayal?
I didn't know about the betrayal - I was just pointing out... I used to have a positive relationship with your mother and then what happened?? And so he finally answered that question. I do think lies like that can be toxic...
If this is the origin of the toxic relationship then your husband just told you the truth which is that you should no longer hold on to this event. Let it go already. Laugh about it. Move on this isn't a toxic lie it is a white lie if anything.
Anonymous
12/08/2014 11:39
Subject: Re:DH and MIL lied to me about knowing about our pregnancy
Anonymous wrote:You ARE overreacting. It sounds like you need to take a deep breath and just let go already. This woman is your child's grandmother. Work to forgive little issues like passive-aggressive comments (so not a big deal) and build a good relationship.
+1
She's easily offended and very insecure. You may be able to help that and reduce the passive aggressive behavior by trying to establish a positive and healthy relationship in which you show her you want her as part of your life and value her. If that doesn't work, just ignore her silly behavior. It's not worth holding on to in this manner.
Anonymous
12/08/2014 11:38
Subject: Re:DH and MIL lied to me about knowing about our pregnancy
Anonymous wrote:The whole thing is ridiculous, especially the part about DH not being to tell his mother his wife is pregnant.
Was waiting for this one.
I am always going to be someone who is not willing to share a pregnancy until after the first trimester. DH knew this before we got pregnant and as we struggled through various infertility issues. It is part of my culture and also just part of how I best deal with difficult situations. Next time I may have to keep the pregnancy entirely to myself, but if that is what I have to do, that is what I have to do. I can't compromise on this one.
Anonymous
12/08/2014 11:33
Subject: Re:DH and MIL lied to me about knowing about our pregnancy
The whole thing is ridiculous, especially the part about DH not being to tell his mother his wife is pregnant.
Anonymous
12/08/2014 11:32
Subject: DH and MIL lied to me about knowing about our pregnancy
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:It's hard for me to figure out what she did. Her telephone behavior was bad? She was passive aggressive? I can't really put my finger on it.
The real betrayal here is your husband, no? It seems to me that you are unwilling to say so.
My understanding is that DH told her about the pregnancy in a certain unplanned context, was going to tell me he had done so and then did not at the behest of his mother.
Eesh. So he lied to you because his mom asked him too? That is bad. I wouldn't necessarily trust her as much after that, but the only way forward is polite and civil, not close, and let yourself build back up some feelings of goodwill for her over time.
My MIL asked DH to lie to me once over something big--he didn't--and I have never forgotten that.
Thanks, yeah. The DH thing is the bigger piece, for sure.
So no point in trying to address it with her, just polite and civil, and not close? Thank you for the concrete advice. I sincerely appreciate it.
Anonymous
12/08/2014 11:32
Subject: Re:DH and MIL lied to me about knowing about our pregnancy
But to you that are saying "just deal with it," this is not helpful for me because I am hurting. How should I deal with it?
This isn't different than any other situation where someone hurts your feelings but you realize that the only productive and mature thing to do is not to dwell on it and move on. Don't bring it up. Be polite and pleasant but don't feel like you have to trust MIL with your most intimate secrets.