Anonymous wrote:OP here. As an example we go to zoo lights the week before but they don't want to walk in the cold. We do drive through lights on Christmas eve. That they insist on joining in but we have to drive them separately so it ends up just me and kids while DH is in a separate car. We open presents Christmas morning but they like to sleep later. This happened last year so the kids had open presents quietly so as not to wake them. Then MIL woke up and was "sad" she missed it. I spend the rest of morning cooking everyone breakfast and cleaning up Instead of enjoying my family time.

Ok, I am a childless aunt who likes to sleep late and wants kids to be quiet in the morning. And I think it is rude when my brothers let their kids scream like banshees, blare tv etc early in the morning when we are on beqch vacations, etc.

However. I accept that on Christmas morning, if I want to sleep in, I have to get a hotel room.

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Yes, I'm anxiety-ridden! But for the PP who said her ILs live 10 minutes away, that's actually my dream. Then she wouldn't STAY with us, live in my house and whine about what a hardship it was to fly all the here and how she must stay for at least 3 weeks to make it worth her while. You are in a completely different situation so please understand that.

Part of the problem is that I don't really see how I can credibly say that a week long stay is too much, that we have to see them less.

DH does side with them alot when they are actually in our house - he will volunteer to drive them separately or we end up not going or some other compromise.

There's your problem right there. This is parenting (and relationship) 101: you can disagree with your spouse in private, but with anyone else - kids, parents, etc. - you are a united front. So if there is stuff that's important to you you need to convey that to DH and push the issue of him supporting you on it. But ultimately important or not he shouldn't undermine you in front of anyone, including his parents.

And for some of the other stuff, you just have to let the crazy go. It's not about you, it's about her, so try to just let it roll off your back. Concede her points without conceding your position. For example, when complaining about the hardship of flying 'I know, and it's great you do it so the kids can spend time with you.' [conceding her point about the difficulty without conceding your position that 7 days is your outer limit.]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - the last few visits have become so outrageous that it caused serious arguments between DH and me. We finally had a talk (not our first, but the most serious) about the issue. That is why this visit will only be 7 days. What I'm saying is this is already as good as it's going to get.

I'm so anxiety-ridden about this that I can't think about anything else. I guess I don't understand how everyone else who has IL problems and whose ILs live out of town deals with visits. Am I just not thinking about this right? MIL wants to be treated as a guest but simultaneously wants to be in charge. I wish I could take the kids and go away for the week.

You are this upset and your DH is siding with his mommy? You and DH are a team. Your house, your rules.

1) you and DH come up with a plan that will work for both of you. Your marriage comes first. In-laws, kids, neighbors, bosses, etc come next.
2) no one tells you when they will visit you and for how long. No. Unless they own your house, they cannot do any more than ask. They may ask if certain dates and times work but they may not declare.
3) if you want four days, arrange for four days. "Mil, we're so excited about your visit and look forward to hosting you from date to date. However, we can't have you longer than that this year." When she sputters, you can (or rather, DH - it's his family) either repeat without explanation (your house, your rules) or choose to say something like, "we have prior engagements on the other dates. Therefore we won't be able to accommodate you."
4) it might be time to make your own nuclear family traditions. You have that right. Extended family is not "owed" certain days. Besides, if mil keeps it up, she may find herself alone on Christmas as you go skiing, too!

DH and I did something similar to #3 when DD2 was born. We sent a super positive email about how excited we were for visitors but couldn't make any definitive plans until xyz. We told everyone we looked forward to having everyone meet the baby when we were ready. I heard mil was pissed, it worked for us and she has been treading carefully for a while now.

Op here. Yes, I'm anxiety-ridden! But for the PP who said her ILs live 10 minutes away, that's actually my dream. Then she wouldn't STAY with us, live in my house and whine about what a hardship it was to fly all the here and how she must stay for at least 3 weeks to make it worth her while. You are in a completely different situation so please understand that.

Part of the problem is that I don't really see how I can credibly say that a week long stay is too much, that we have to see them less.

DH does side with them alot when they are actually in our house - he will volunteer to drive them separately or we end up not going or some other compromise.

You have your DH's agreement for a 7 day visit so he is trying to support you. Sounds like the rest is up to you. Start being more firm with your MIL when it comes to your holiday plans and don't let her manipulate them. You should be able to take the lead here without confrontations with your husband.

Anonymous wrote:OP here - the last few visits have become so outrageous that it caused serious arguments between DH and me. We finally had a talk (not our first, but the most serious) about the issue. That is why this visit will only be 7 days. What I'm saying is this is already as good as it's going to get.

I'm so anxiety-ridden about this that I can't think about anything else. I guess I don't understand how everyone else who has IL problems and whose ILs live out of town deals with visits. Am I just not thinking about this right? MIL wants to be treated as a guest but simultaneously wants to be in charge. I wish I could take the kids and go away for the week.

Your ILs are causing serious arguments with your DH AND you are incredibly anxiety-ridden about this. And yet your DH will not do anything differently?

My ILS live ten freaking minutes away and I see them about 4 times a year because that is all I can take. And DH supports me on this. If ILs want to see DH or the kids, they need to plan it (and I do not need to accompany them). I no longer let their guilt, criticism, selfishness, etc. affect me. When MIL emails me or texts me, I hit the delete button.

You need to stand up for yourself and for your marriage. Do not let your ILs do this to you! If your DH is unwilling to discuss, then off to couples counseling you both go!

Zoo Lights - go without them. Winter lights - go once as a family before ILs arrive. Christmas present opening wakes them up?!?! Of course it does. Send ILs a list of hotels they can stay so they get their much needed rest.

You and dh should do a mini vacay together for a night or two and leave the kids with the in-laws. You don't have to go far away. Just downtown to stay at a nice hotel, eat at a nice restaurant and see a show.

OP, I relate to much of this. My ILs live in CA, too - I swear people there are more self centered. Anyway, first step is that I would talk to DH ahead of time about much of this so that you can present a united front. For example, he should talk to his parents ahead of time and request that since they need to rent a car anyway, they rent a minivan - DH can offer to drive it all week in case they are not comfortable driving a large car, but that way you can all stick together for the week instead of you and DH needing to be in separate cars. I also think for zoo lights (one night) you could leave them at home, but I would only do that one night or risk offending my MIL (and I get it, as they are here to visit not sit at home by themselves). I would also try to think of activities ahead of time that they would enjoy, and focus on making some new trraditions that involve them - a trip to Mount Vernon candlelighting or a church carol concert. I 100% agree with the advise to go do something on your own each day (a mid day trip to the gym or starbucks), and leave DH with his parents and the kids. I also go to through a case of wine, and go upstairs to bed early each night, when my ILs visit ....
A week is a long visit. But, coming from CA it is understandable.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. As an example we go to zoo lights the week before but they don't want to walk in the cold. We do drive through lights on Christmas eve. That they insist on joining in but we have to drive them separately so it ends up just me and kids while DH is in a separate car. We open presents Christmas morning but they like to sleep later. This happened last year so the kids had open presents quietly so as not to wake them. Then MIL woke up and was "sad" she missed it. I spend the rest of morning cooking everyone breakfast and cleaning up Instead of enjoying my family time.

Oh please.

Go to lights without them if they don't like the cold.

Borrow or rent a larger car for xmas lights. Consider it a present for yourself.

Open the presents and don't muffle the kids. It's their xmas. If the inlaws wake up earlier than they want tough noogies.

Plan an easy breakfast like a make ahead baked french toast casserole. Bacon in the oven to save the mess. Etc.


Easy peasy.

Next problem?

Anonymous wrote:OP here - the last few visits have become so outrageous that it caused serious arguments between DH and me. We finally had a talk (not our first, but the most serious) about the issue. That is why this visit will only be 7 days. What I'm saying is this is already as good as it's going to get.

I'm so anxiety-ridden about this that I can't think about anything else. I guess I don't understand how everyone else who has IL problems and whose ILs live out of town deals with visits. Am I just not thinking about this right? MIL wants to be treated as a guest but simultaneously wants to be in charge. I wish I could take the kids and go away for the week.

Your husband is the problem. Go to therapy and figure out why he is prioritizing his parents over you. Stop whining and demand better treatment and FTLOG, tell you husband to inform his parents that they'll be staying in a hotel until they learn to respect boundaries.

Ask DH if he could arrange they come on Boxing Day instead (day after Christmas) until New Year's Day maybe?
T

OP here - the last few visits have become so outrageous that it caused serious arguments between DH and me. We finally had a talk (not our first, but the most serious) about the issue. That is why this visit will only be 7 days. What I'm saying is this is already as good as it's going to get.

I'm so anxiety-ridden about this that I can't think about anything else. I guess I don't understand how everyone else who has IL problems and whose ILs live out of town deals with visits. Am I just not thinking about this right? MIL wants to be treated as a guest but simultaneously wants to be in charge. I wish I could take the kids and go away for the week.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anything critical gets called out immediately. "Helen, that was very critical. I think you owe me an apology. If you can't apologize, I am going to ask yoou to leave." And follow through. "Helen, this isn't working out. Please pack your things and I will arrange a hotel and call a cab."

As for the traditions, make your plan, give them notice, do it anyway. Anything that involves driving, hire uber. Seriously. They do not get to hijack your husband.

This would result in 10 years of the freezeout, the silent treatment, and a total estrangement and breakdown and splitting of the extended family. (not OP)

Yeah, taking that approach sounds like TV reality instead of real reality.

Anonymous wrote:OP again. How can I say No? I mean I can say no but I'm not the only person involved- they are DH's parents after all. I can't say his parents aren't welcome. I Wouldn't need advice if it were that simple!

Have you talked to DH about this? That should be your first step. Tell him how you truly feel (in nice words), but that your family (that is, you, him, and your children) are important and you want your traditions to stand regardless of who is in town visiting for the holidays.

Anonymous wrote:I resent being called a victim or martyr. I cannot say they can't with us or that they can't stay for a week. This is already whittled down from last year's 10 day stay. I asked once 9 years ago if they could stay in a hotel when I had our DD and that ended in an epic fight. They of course states at our house anyway. My MIl is incredibly selfish.

Btw, she knows what time the kids get up and open presents. They've been alive for 9 years but she needs her sleep she says. But you're right. My kids don't need to shush for her. I will try to stick to our schedule but it really is difficult bc they aren't independent and guilt DH about flying from CA and being neglected.

Yes, you can say they can't stay with you. Do they own the home you are living in? Do they have a gun to your head? They are jerks and who cares if there is an epic fight. Walk away from the fight. Don't participate.

I think the real issue is your incredibly selfish dh.