I'm sorry for your loss. Can't a pediatrician tell you if he has FAS? Even if adopting him put a damper on you finding a man and having your own baby, siblings share half their genes, so really that baby is as close to you genetically as you can get without having your own child. If you didn't adopt him, and you wound up not having a baby on your own, I think you'd regret it. Is there anyone else in the family that can help you raise this child so you don't have to go it alone? As he grows, I'm sure it will become more apparent whether he has FAS or not.

OP, I would also get him evaluation by Infants and Toddlers (depending on where you live it could be called Early Intervention). It's a free service that evaluates young children - birth through 3. Every state has it. They evaluate all areas of development and will give you a general synopsis of where your nephew is.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is absolutely not a given. Was this her first child? For reasons that aren't fully understood, first children rarely have FAS, even if the mother drank quite heavily.

I am so sorry for your loss, and wish you and your nephew the best.

Thank you very much, it's been really hard, and multiplied by the fact that the accident was her fault because she was drunk at the time. Luckily, no one else was hurt in the crash. He is her first live birth. She gave birth to a stillborn 2 years prior. At 3 months, should do you thing there be signs already if he does indeed have FAS?

I adopted a child who has FAS. No physical signs until he was 9 years old. My son is not the only child I know who had no physical signs until much older.

Sorry for your loss.

How did you know your child's symptoms were related to FAS?

I misspoke when I said no physical signs - I meant no facial features. He was (and still is) <10th percentile for weight and height (<1st actually but criteria is 10th), speech delay, global cognitive delays, executive functioning difficulties, sensory issues, impulsivity, ADHD, eating disorders, sleep issues that developed after age three, etc. The list of problems is long. But with a lot of work, medication and supports, he does very well.

Anonymous wrote:There are so many people that want to adopt. I would not adopt unless you are all in. You could do an open adoption so you don't lose contact with your sisters's child.

This.
You are not a bad person if you don't adopt.
Do what is best for you.
Otherwise you may resent the kid.

OP, first, I'm so sorry for the loss of your sister.

While it is generous and kind that you are considering adopting your nephew, you don't sound entirely committed. And that's okay - this is a lot to take on: the death of your sister, the prospect of being a single parent to a child who might possibly have a significant developmental issue. As you've noted, you're also - quite rightly - thinking about your own future and the desire to meet Mr. Right and have a biological child.

There might be a mom and/or dad who would absolutely, without hesitation adopt your nephew. Your nephew would be THE child in their lives - not a hold over until a biological child came along. I hope my last statement doesn't seem harsh. But both you and your nephew deserve the very best. And to me, reading your posts, it doesn't sound like that necessarily means that you adopt him.

Regardless of what you decide, best wishes to both of you. You are a great sister and a wonderful aunt (no matter what you decide).

As an adoptive mother of 2 children and as a child was raised by a relative after my mother's early death I agree with the previous poster who said you need to be all in and prepared to raise this child as your own - FAS or no FAS. You should consult a developmental pediatrician, but you should do it because you want to best diagnosis, therapy and outcomes for this baby not to work out whether it will impact your chances of finding a spouse, because in reality things could come up later with any baby. It is totally understandable you are thinking about your future and that this is a shock but you can't guarantee anything at 3 months so you need to be prepared for whatever comes if you decide to adopt.

Anonymous wrote:Excuse my ignorance, but don't FAS children share similar features with children who have Down?

My cousin claimed her son was autistic, but she was an alcoholic big time - drank through her pregnancy. And her son looked as though he had Down Syndrome.

so sad on many levels

OP - Take the child. You'll manage, I'm sure. And if a guy is scared, he's not really the right one anyway.

There are some physical features that individuals with DS and FAS have in common, but many more that are different. Kids with DS and FAS would never be confused by someone familiar with both diagnoses. Behaviorally, and developmentally, kids with FAS and DS have very different profiles. Both diagnoses can co-occur with autism.

My mom drank like a fish during all of our pregnancies

OP if you are not bonded with this baby by now, I'm concerned. Anything can happen. I'm a mom of teens. Plenty of the kids who had superior pre-natal care and healthy moms are going through hell because their kids are into drugs..having unexpected emotional challenges. Horrible marriages, illness. IMO you either love this baby as is, or not.

I adopted special needs kids. Absolutely cannot begin to imagine life without them. I love, love, love them forever.

Excuse my ignorance, but don't FAS children share similar features with children who have Down?

My cousin claimed her son was autistic, but she was an alcoholic big time - drank through her pregnancy. And her son looked as though he had Down Syndrome.

so sad on many levels

OP - Take the child. You'll manage, I'm sure. And if a guy is scared, he's not really the right one anyway.

One of my friends in college was sure she had FAS and she had all the facial characteristics. Her family was super loaded (for reals... she had a credit card and spent about $10,000 per month in college, and none of that went to rent since her parents bought her apartment for her), so maybe her situation was easier, but there were no developmental or behavioral issues for her. She was actually very well liked and popular and had fantastic social skills, and was also a good student. So maybe this was an unusual case but I never even realized FAS went past cosmetic differences.

If you don't think you can handle a kid with special needs, then don't adopt. I am sure you could arrange some type of open adoption so that you could be a part of his life but his adoptive parents will be the main providers/caregivers/parents. There is also Fetal Alcohol Exposure with kids presenting with symptoms that aren't as severe as FAS. Chances are high that in elementary school he will be diagnosed with some type of learning disability / ADHD/ etc. Are you ready to cope with mild disabilities as a single mom?

Anonymous wrote:There will always be a ton on unknowns both with this child and with your own life. The child may develop issues down the road. You may or may not meet Mr. Right and you may or may not meet him in time to have kids. You may or may not be able to have kids if and when a spouse is in the picture. I think you just have to decide whether you can and want to handle this right now. If you have family that can provide back-up support, that would be a big plus in the decision making process. Also, if your sister was employed, she may have had some life insurance which could help (though that depends on who she put down as a beneficiary).

+1

Mr. Right will come along whether or not your nephew is in your life. If you meet someone who can't handle the issues this child may have, they aren't right for you. You can't know the future or whether your own biological children may have issues down the road. Do what you feel you can handle with your family. If you can manage it, he'll be lucky to have you.

There will always be a ton on unknowns both with this child and with your own life. The child may develop issues down the road. You may or may not meet Mr. Right and you may or may not meet him in time to have kids. You may or may not be able to have kids if and when a spouse is in the picture. I think you just have to decide whether you can and want to handle this right now. If you have family that can provide back-up support, that would be a big plus in the decision making process. Also, if your sister was employed, she may have had some life insurance which could help (though that depends on who she put down as a beneficiary).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is absolutely not a given. Was this her first child? For reasons that aren't fully understood, first children rarely have FAS, even if the mother drank quite heavily.

I am so sorry for your loss, and wish you and your nephew the best.

Thank you very much, it's been really hard, and multiplied by the fact that the accident was her fault because she was drunk at the time. Luckily, no one else was hurt in the crash. He is her first live birth. She gave birth to a stillborn 2 years prior. At 3 months, should do you thing there be signs already if he does indeed have FAS?

I adopted a child who has FAS. No physical signs until he was 9 years old. My son is not the only child I know who had no physical signs until much older.

Sorry for your loss.

How did you know your child's symptoms were related to FAS?

FAS presents itself differently in different people. Your nephew could have been adversely affected even without the manifest physical signs of FAS, but you wouldn't know that now. It's not easy to predict.

That being said, development of FAS is indeed somewhat mysterious, in that scientists don't know how much alcohol it takes to cause it. That almost certainly varies by individual, both mom and baby. Things like nutrition and exposure to other substances (particularly nicotine) likely play a role, too. I'd also be concerned about any potential genetic liability for addiction--but even then, genes only contribute roughly half of the variability for alcohol use disorders (with the other half being environmental, including things like prenatal exposure).

Regardless, OP, you're doing a wonderful thing to consider adopting your nephew. Do consult with a good developmental pediatrician and on an on-going basis as your nephew grows up. I'm so sorry for the loss of your sister; my sister's also an alcoholic, and I worry often that her children will be left without her. All the best to you.