Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't believe how hard my mom worked when she hosted every single holiday (about five times per year, twelve if you count birthdays) for 40+ years. She worked full time, often overtime. She made everything by hand, lovingly. She made a beautiful house. We had tons of people every holiday, without fail. In the summers, we hosted huge cook outs in our huge yard. Everyone RAVED about her cooking and the get togethers. To this day, people mention her homemade (everything) to me. Actually, the company was amazing, too.

MIL, OTOH, is the worst model in this regard. Since this is anonymous. She gets overwhelmed so easily, never serves enough food, and barely pulls off one or two meals per year. She has been this way since I have known her, not just in her old age. It stresses everyone out. We all try to contribute as much as possible, because she insists on hosting - yet it is so clear she hates it. She maybe talks to one person all day.

I am trying to learn to like the holidays again.

Do your mil a favor and stop comparing her to your supermom

wow np here, i could have typed this. exact differences between my mom and mil. it's really difficult to not compare. it's hard not to when you've spent 28 years doing holidays with your family and then see such stark differences with your in laws.

People are different. You just have to relax and learn to appreciate them for who they are. Some folks throw big parties, some folks prefer small dinners followed by a nice fire and a good movie. Flexibility is a good thing.


+2

It is inevitable that comparison might happen. Especially if MIL only works p/t, if at all. My mom was not perfect, but she was never so easily overwhelmed. It is frightening to be around people who are, because it makes you think that there is reason to be; even if you (yourself) are smart enough to know otherwise. Being surrounded by easily overwhelmed people is no fun

If everyone (MIL!) could throw a party as equally well as your mom than your mom's hostess skills wouldn't be terribly noteworthy or special. Is that what you're saying? I hope not. Personally, I consider entertaining to be a talent just like singing or painting is a talent. Not everyone has the knack but that's o.k.

Meh. I guess one could look at it that way. It still does not make me look forward to the holidays with the IL's any more; but I will try to see your point. It is just so depressing for a bunch of reasons. Let's just say, they've never been described as the fun group.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't believe how hard my mom worked when she hosted every single holiday (about five times per year, twelve if you count birthdays) for 40+ years. She worked full time, often overtime. She made everything by hand, lovingly. She made a beautiful house. We had tons of people every holiday, without fail. In the summers, we hosted huge cook outs in our huge yard. Everyone RAVED about her cooking and the get togethers. To this day, people mention her homemade (everything) to me. Actually, the company was amazing, too.

MIL, OTOH, is the worst model in this regard. Since this is anonymous. She gets overwhelmed so easily, never serves enough food, and barely pulls off one or two meals per year. She has been this way since I have known her, not just in her old age. It stresses everyone out. We all try to contribute as much as possible, because she insists on hosting - yet it is so clear she hates it. She maybe talks to one person all day.

I am trying to learn to like the holidays again.

Do your mil a favor and stop comparing her to your supermom

wow np here, i could have typed this. exact differences between my mom and mil. it's really difficult to not compare. it's hard not to when you've spent 28 years doing holidays with your family and then see such stark differences with your in laws.

+2

It is inevitable that comparison might happen. Especially if MIL only works p/t, if at all. My mom was not perfect, but she was never so easily overwhelmed. It is frightening to be around people who are, because it makes you think that there is reason to be; even if you (yourself) are smart enough to know otherwise. Being surrounded by easily overwhelmed people is no fun

If everyone (MIL!) could throw a party as equally well as your mom than your mom's hostess skills wouldn't be terribly noteworthy or special. Is that what you're saying? I hope not. Personally, I consider entertaining to be a talent just like singing or painting is a talent. Not everyone has the knack but that's o.k.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It was much less tension filled without MIL, for some reason. She has some sort of negative influence - negative aura, too! It was more fun without her.

I am not saying this to be mean, I am just trying to figure out what is so negative about her energy that changes the atmosphere so much. She is depressed, but I don't think it is that?

OMG the poor woman. She doesn't do or say anything you can take issue with, it's just that pesky aura? Or something?

Anonymous wrote:It was much less tension filled without MIL, for some reason. She has some sort of negative influence - negative aura, too! It was more fun without her.

I am not saying this to be mean, I am just trying to figure out what is so negative about her energy that changes the atmosphere so much. She is depressed, but I don't think it is that?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't believe how hard my mom worked when she hosted every single holiday (about five times per year, twelve if you count birthdays) for 40+ years. She worked full time, often overtime. She made everything by hand, lovingly. She made a beautiful house. We had tons of people every holiday, without fail. In the summers, we hosted huge cook outs in our huge yard. Everyone RAVED about her cooking and the get togethers. To this day, people mention her homemade (everything) to me. Actually, the company was amazing, too.

MIL, OTOH, is the worst model in this regard. Since this is anonymous. She gets overwhelmed so easily, never serves enough food, and barely pulls off one or two meals per year. She has been this way since I have known her, not just in her old age. It stresses everyone out. We all try to contribute as much as possible, because she insists on hosting - yet it is so clear she hates it. She maybe talks to one person all day.

I am trying to learn to like the holidays again.

Do your mil a favor and stop comparing her to your supermom

Seriously, 1st PP, you sound like a complete nightmare. So your Mom was Martha Stewart. I bet she had other flaws; you sound awfully immature or sheltered to have such an idealized view of your mother. Even Martha had to do a stretch in the pen. I bet your Mom kicks puppies and small children.

Anonymous wrote:

You know, whatever works for a couple. It's not for you to judge. Maybe she hates travel, or (gasp) would prefer not so spend time with your mom, or would rather let her husband do it 1:1 since it means more. Not everyone has to do everything together all the time. Not everyone has to do the dutiful thing all the time.

PP with the sister in law here who stayed put. There's more to the story. She claims that she needed do to this dinner because it would be good 'networking' as the male half of the couple is in some field she's interested in. But she hasn't been able to find a job in 10 years, my brother not only supports her but recently supported her while she went to a top 3 b school, across the country, thinking it would finally help her get employed. Two years out, she is still unemployed because she never makes it past the in person interview. She also doesn't want to have kids until she has her career 'set' and my brother is now pushing 45 and desperately wants kids (she is late 30s). The travel to my mom's is a 2 hour car drive for one meal, back that same night. Meanwhile, my brother used all of his vacation to travel with her and her parents this past year--he spent 2 weeks this fall and 2 weeks last spring traveling with her and her parents internationally, and she refused to come to one meal at my mom's because she claimed it would be good networking. I am mad not about the meal because my brother is deeply unhappy, but can't really face what a disaster his marriage is. This is just one example.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So awful. I still feel heartbroken about it. The tension between my husband, who I love although have struggled with over the course of our marriage, and my mother, who has always been a huge supporter of me and is really my best friend and who I have leaned on way too much, came to a huge pinnacle of awful and ruined the holiday for everyone. My toddler was just atrocious and there was nonstop conflict over how he should be disciplined. I was caught in the middle of every fight and came away with everyone furious with me. I never ever want to do it again and am now worried I am going to lose my relationship and my kids' relationships with my parents. So exhausting.

Wow, that sounds awful. How long were you all together? This couldn't all have happened over Thanksgiving dinner (I'm guessing).

Ha, no, that would have been impressive! Almost a week. My family is super close and so we see them a lot, though -- or we did. Going to have to make major changes. Sad and hard to have to work around others' inability to compromise.

Anonymous wrote:Went to ILs Thanksgiving across the country. Very depressing with all these much older relatives who have obviously forgotten what it's like to have kids. They kept making comments about the children as if they weren't there and call them noisy and ill-mannered. DCs were bored, their cousins are much, much older than them and didn't want anything to do with preschoolers. I haven't told this to DH but next year I am not going and will try hard to keep DCs home. At least here they have friends and someone to play with. Over there it's like visiting a nursing home.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So awful. I still feel heartbroken about it. The tension between my husband, who I love although have struggled with over the course of our marriage, and my mother, who has always been a huge supporter of me and is really my best friend and who I have leaned on way too much, came to a huge pinnacle of awful and ruined the holiday for everyone. My toddler was just atrocious and there was nonstop conflict over how he should be disciplined. I was caught in the middle of every fight and came away with everyone furious with me. I never ever want to do it again and am now worried I am going to lose my relationship and my kids' relationships with my parents. So exhausting.

Wow, that sounds awful. How long were you all together? This couldn't all have happened over Thanksgiving dinner (I'm guessing).

Anonymous wrote:So awful. I still feel heartbroken about it. The tension between my husband, who I love although have struggled with over the course of our marriage, and my mother, who has always been a huge supporter of me and is really my best friend and who I have leaned on way too much, came to a huge pinnacle of awful and ruined the holiday for everyone. My toddler was just atrocious and there was nonstop conflict over how he should be disciplined. I was caught in the middle of every fight and came away with everyone furious with me. I never ever want to do it again and am now worried I am going to lose my relationship and my kids' relationships with my parents. So exhausting.