Anonymous
Post 11/20/2014 13:25     Subject: Teach me how to be joyful with inlaws!
Anonymous wrote:OP can you really never ever travel on thanksgiving? Maybe I missed it on a previous page...also, you absolutely positively a hundred times over NEED TO HOST! The way I get what I want in life is by joyfully, exuberantly announcing my plans as though they are obviously the best thing for everyone involved. No one will have the heart to question you. I think you're screwed for this year, but around September of next year, you say to DH: "Guess what?!? My family is going to try to come to our place for thanksgiving this year!!!" You start planning (remember with exuberance and no hesitation). In-laws can choose to attend or not. Things might "fall through" with your family's travel plans but you will still host. Win. Good luck.


No, due to work we can't take off the day before Thanksgiving or the day after. Therefore we can't fly to my parents. DH's parents are 5 hours away, so that's why we go every year. We have begged and begged to host, but no one will travel to see us. Our friends are all with their extended families or else we would love to have it with friends.
Anonymous
Post 11/20/2014 13:21     Subject: Teach me how to be joyful with inlaws!
OP can you really never ever travel on thanksgiving? Maybe I missed it on a previous page...also, you absolutely positively a hundred times over NEED TO HOST! The way I get what I want in life is by joyfully, exuberantly announcing my plans as though they are obviously the best thing for everyone involved. No one will have the heart to question you. I think you're screwed for this year, but around September of next year, you say to DH: "Guess what?!? My family is going to try to come to our place for thanksgiving this year!!!" You start planning (remember with exuberance and no hesitation). In-laws can choose to attend or not. Things might "fall through" with your family's travel plans but you will still host. Win. Good luck.
Anonymous
Post 11/20/2014 13:20     Subject: Teach me how to be joyful with inlaws!
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:We have had Thanksgiving with my in-laws for the past 17 years. My MIL plans out everything in advance (the table is most likely set already for next week), and every food is prepared before Thursday. This makes for a boring Thanksgiving day that has no bonding over the preparation of food, which I find to be enjoyable. Over the last few years, my sister-in-law and I have planned in advance with our mother-in-law to make desserts with the kids on Thursday morning. We told her we want to help and that the kids enjoy baking. The morning turns out to be a pajama baking fest with the parade on in the background and is now one of my favorite traditions for a holiday that was so automated for so many years. I think what worked was discussing in advance that we desire the shared experiences of cooking.

As for the wine, my in-laws only buy sparkling white wine. My sister-in-law and I bring at least two bottles each, and we put them on the table at meal time. My advice is to insist on your wine. Life is too short to drink crappy wine.

We appeal to our husbands (they are brothers) to talk to their parents about incorporating new things into the holiday, but they are a quiet and passive bunch, and I it is not a battle I choose to have him fight (if that is the correct characterization). My sister-in-law and I found solidarity in each other and made our little inroads. If you are able to find a like-minded family member, perhaps you can achieve your own little sparks of joy around the holiday and at the very least have someone with whom you can vent.

Good luck!


What is up with people cooking Thanksgiving in advance??? Why? The hustle of cooking is the biggest joy on Thanksgiving to me. My MIL cuts the turkey days in advance and reheats it in the oven that morning. I really miss my dad standing over the table at Thanksgiving and carving the turkey.

I agree. This is why people who do not enjoy food and cooking should not host Thanksgiving, unless they are willing to let their guests cook or bring food.

The first (only) time I celebrated Thanksgiving at my in-laws house, I was horrified to see that they served a single turkey breast for the 8 of us, and they removed the skin (the best part!) before serving. The other side-dishes were pumkin bread made from a mix, but with apple sauce substituted for the butter, canned cranberry sauce, and mashed potatoes served with I Can't Believe It's Not Butter. Dessert was angel food cake and low fat frozen yogurt. She was stressed by having all the extra people over. I wanted to cry thinking about the gulf between that meal and the traditional ones I'd grown up with.

I insisted on hosting the following year "to save her the trouble, since she's so kind about hosting the rest of the year", and she capitulated with pretty good grace since she hates cooking. Fifteen years on, we still do it at my house (though there are 16 of us now), and she and my FIL are enthusiastic participants in the merriment and over the top feasting.
Anonymous
Post 11/20/2014 13:09     Subject: Teach me how to be joyful with inlaws!
OP I'm going to guess you don't have children yet... You need to set restrictions now. Of course everyone wants you for every holiday, but that's not reality. Here's what we do. Normally Thanksgiving is with DH's family, however this year they couldn't get everyone together until Saturday, so my parents get it (bonus for them). I insisted my parents get Christmas day. My family does a lot and now that we have DD I'm not willing to budge. Everyone is fine about that. Easter weekend we ensure we see both families, it varies who gets the actual holiday depending on schedules.

Ours though, more difficult, live within 40 minutes (but 4 hours away from DC). So when we're home we have to coordinate going between 2 houses. You need to set boundaries and expectations now. The sooner the better. You can try and alternate holidays, but I've found it's FAR better to just give certain families certain holidays and leave it at that.
Anonymous
Post 11/20/2014 13:03     Subject: Re:Teach me how to be joyful with inlaws!
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, if your in-laws always get Thanksgiving, your family should always get Christmas. That's what we do -- I'm Jewish, DH is Christian, his family always gets Christmas, so we spend our Thanksgivings with my family.

And I'd try to get your DH on board with at least making room for you: "DH, I know how much you love spending T-day with your family, but it's so different from what I'm used to that I feel like an outsider. Can you guys make a little room for my traditions -- can you ask your MIL to let me bring a dish to serve during Thanksgiving dinner and/or some wine to share?"


OP here. Yes my family feels like they should always get Christmas because his family gets Easter/Thanksgiving and birthday celebrations. DH and his family don't see it that way. Everyone pretty much wants Christmas. It makes my family very bitter.

HUH? Do you and DH feel to have to spend every holiday and birthday with one side of the family or other? Do you ever stay home or do something by yourselves???
Anonymous
Post 11/20/2014 12:29     Subject: Teach me how to be joyful with inlaws!
Anonymous wrote:but what about respect to elders and the fact that they won't live forever. not OP but I struggle with this.


Visit them another time. Have dinner that weekend, just not on the holiday you cherish. If they life out of town, plan a weekend visit to them. You can still honor them and spend time with them without ruining something important to you.
Anonymous
Post 11/20/2014 12:07     Subject: Teach me how to be joyful with inlaws!
Anonymous wrote:We have had Thanksgiving with my in-laws for the past 17 years. My MIL plans out everything in advance (the table is most likely set already for next week), and every food is prepared before Thursday. This makes for a boring Thanksgiving day that has no bonding over the preparation of food, which I find to be enjoyable. Over the last few years, my sister-in-law and I have planned in advance with our mother-in-law to make desserts with the kids on Thursday morning. We told her we want to help and that the kids enjoy baking. The morning turns out to be a pajama baking fest with the parade on in the background and is now one of my favorite traditions for a holiday that was so automated for so many years. I think what worked was discussing in advance that we desire the shared experiences of cooking.

As for the wine, my in-laws only buy sparkling white wine. My sister-in-law and I bring at least two bottles each, and we put them on the table at meal time. My advice is to insist on your wine. Life is too short to drink crappy wine.

We appeal to our husbands (they are brothers) to talk to their parents about incorporating new things into the holiday, but they are a quiet and passive bunch, and I it is not a battle I choose to have him fight (if that is the correct characterization). My sister-in-law and I found solidarity in each other and made our little inroads. If you are able to find a like-minded family member, perhaps you can achieve your own little sparks of joy around the holiday and at the very least have someone with whom you can vent.

Good luck!


What is up with people cooking Thanksgiving in advance??? Why? The hustle of cooking is the biggest joy on Thanksgiving to me. My MIL cuts the turkey days in advance and reheats it in the oven that morning. I really miss my dad standing over the table at Thanksgiving and carving the turkey.
Anonymous
Post 11/20/2014 11:55     Subject: Re:Teach me how to be joyful with inlaws!
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, if your in-laws always get Thanksgiving, your family should always get Christmas. That's what we do -- I'm Jewish, DH is Christian, his family always gets Christmas, so we spend our Thanksgivings with my family.

And I'd try to get your DH on board with at least making room for you: "DH, I know how much you love spending T-day with your family, but it's so different from what I'm used to that I feel like an outsider. Can you guys make a little room for my traditions -- can you ask your MIL to let me bring a dish to serve during Thanksgiving dinner and/or some wine to share?"


OP here. Yes my family feels like they should always get Christmas because his family gets Easter/Thanksgiving and birthday celebrations. DH and his family don't see it that way. Everyone pretty much wants Christmas. It makes my family very bitter.


OP, "everybody" doesn't get a vote. This is between you and your DH. You need to talk it out with your DH and come up with a fairer balance. If it's going to your family for 2 Xmases, and then his for 1, that's fine. If you just take the leave every other year and do Thanksgiving with your family, that's fine too. But as it is now, you (not your family, not DH's family) are not happy with the arrangement, so it needs to be reopened. You BOTH need to be happy here.
Anonymous
Post 11/20/2014 11:46     Subject: Teach me how to be joyful with inlaws!
We have had Thanksgiving with my in-laws for the past 17 years. My MIL plans out everything in advance (the table is most likely set already for next week), and every food is prepared before Thursday. This makes for a boring Thanksgiving day that has no bonding over the preparation of food, which I find to be enjoyable. Over the last few years, my sister-in-law and I have planned in advance with our mother-in-law to make desserts with the kids on Thursday morning. We told her we want to help and that the kids enjoy baking. The morning turns out to be a pajama baking fest with the parade on in the background and is now one of my favorite traditions for a holiday that was so automated for so many years. I think what worked was discussing in advance that we desire the shared experiences of cooking.

As for the wine, my in-laws only buy sparkling white wine. My sister-in-law and I bring at least two bottles each, and we put them on the table at meal time. My advice is to insist on your wine. Life is too short to drink crappy wine.

We appeal to our husbands (they are brothers) to talk to their parents about incorporating new things into the holiday, but they are a quiet and passive bunch, and I it is not a battle I choose to have him fight (if that is the correct characterization). My sister-in-law and I found solidarity in each other and made our little inroads. If you are able to find a like-minded family member, perhaps you can achieve your own little sparks of joy around the holiday and at the very least have someone with whom you can vent.

Good luck!
Anonymous
Post 11/20/2014 11:41     Subject: Re:Teach me how to be joyful with inlaws!
I totally understand. My in-laws do everything way different and I hate having holidays with them. For instance, they have Thanksgiving dinner at 2:00. To me, that's just crazy, especially because I have small kids who will be hungry at lunch time and won't wait until 2:00. So then they're not going to be hungry for dinner at 2:00. Oh well. We plan to move to a bigger house next year and then I'm telling everyone I'll host at my house and whoever wants to come can come and if not, that's fine too. I think it would be great to have a holiday with just my husband and kids.
Anonymous
Post 11/20/2014 11:30     Subject: Re:Teach me how to be joyful with inlaws!
I guess I just don't understand why you need to go to ILs' house every Thanksgiving. Seems like maybe you could suck it up and go every other year, and in the off year host it at your house. I hear you that they don't want to come to your house. So invite friends, neighbors, coworkers, or whoever will make it a fun event for you. Both my DH's and my families are far away and so we never spend Thanksgiving with them. We have awesome holidays with friends!
Anonymous
Post 11/20/2014 11:19     Subject: Re:Teach me how to be joyful with inlaws!
Anonymous wrote:OP, if your in-laws always get Thanksgiving, your family should always get Christmas. That's what we do -- I'm Jewish, DH is Christian, his family always gets Christmas, so we spend our Thanksgivings with my family.

And I'd try to get your DH on board with at least making room for you: "DH, I know how much you love spending T-day with your family, but it's so different from what I'm used to that I feel like an outsider. Can you guys make a little room for my traditions -- can you ask your MIL to let me bring a dish to serve during Thanksgiving dinner and/or some wine to share?"


OP here. Yes my family feels like they should always get Christmas because his family gets Easter/Thanksgiving and birthday celebrations. DH and his family don't see it that way. Everyone pretty much wants Christmas. It makes my family very bitter.
Anonymous
Post 11/20/2014 11:15     Subject: Re:Teach me how to be joyful with inlaws!
OP, if your in-laws always get Thanksgiving, your family should always get Christmas. That's what we do -- I'm Jewish, DH is Christian, his family always gets Christmas, so we spend our Thanksgivings with my family.

And I'd try to get your DH on board with at least making room for you: "DH, I know how much you love spending T-day with your family, but it's so different from what I'm used to that I feel like an outsider. Can you guys make a little room for my traditions -- can you ask your MIL to let me bring a dish to serve during Thanksgiving dinner and/or some wine to share?"
Anonymous
Post 11/20/2014 11:04     Subject: Teach me how to be joyful with inlaws!
OP you need to lower the bar. Significantly. They are not your family, they have their own traditions, they are your husbands family and you need to accept it and get on board. If you change your attitude I think you may have a much better time.
Anonymous
Post 11/20/2014 10:47     Subject: Re:Teach me how to be joyful with inlaws!
Anonymous wrote:OP stop letting them rob you of your holidays. I live away from my family but near my DH's. I spent the first seven or so Christmas/Thanksgivings with his family. They are bitter alcoholics who just spend the holidays drunk and pushing booze. My DH would drink and turn into a angry person also. After so many years of this I had enough. I refuse to spend any holidays with them. When I wad a kid my family was poor but the holidays were about getting together and making good simple food. I wanted my kids to be only around sober loving family members.


You sound like you need your own traditions. Their traditions will always be lame, either in reality, or in comparison to being with your own people. Especially if the IL's are lame, too. Most of us go through this if we live any distance from our own, unfortunately. For those of you who have your family nearby - instead of inwardly or outwardly gloating - be truly grateful, you have absolutely no idea.

OP, you are not alone. Holidays without your close-knit family is brutal. You want the warmth that you grew up with, I get it. It sucks when your favorite time of year becomes your least favorite time of year. [For me, this has happened with the holidays and also with summertime. We have to cut into our expensive camp and disrupt our summer because MIL insists on planning their one week vacation around SIL's and her grown children, who go for maybe two days.] My IL's are a shallow, nitpicky, critical bunch. They can't wait to ask me what I got for Christmas, as if it is the Hope Diamond, or something (not even close). But I digress. I'm commiserating, and wish I had better suggestions for you.

You need to do what makes you happy. If it means keeping your family home and starting your own traditions, so be it.