Anonymous wrote:I never married, never had children, and since I was in my later teens when I lost my grandfather, I started disliking the holidays. I used to just go to my aunt's house on Thanksgiving, enjoy the meal, and go home. At Christmas, which was held at my house, I'd hole up in my room. Same with Easter. I've lost my parents now, all aunts and uncles; I don't have any family where I live now, and I am planning on leaving the area. My sister moved to another state last year; I am planning on joining her

How does she feel about this?

I never married, never had children, and since I was in my later teens when I lost my grandfather, I started disliking the holidays. I used to just go to my aunt's house on Thanksgiving, enjoy the meal, and go home. At Christmas, which was held at my house, I'd hole up in my room. Same with Easter. I've lost my parents now, all aunts and uncles; I don't have any family where I live now, and I am planning on leaving the area. My sister moved to another state last year; I am planning on joining her

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My in-laws and DW's siblings never have any conversation that goes beyond pleasantries and the superficial at family gatherings. The mother and father are divorced and the siblings, who have reduced themselves to over-aged teenagers around their parents, do everything to avoid conflict. At the end of the day, they really don't like each other. At first I thought it was odd (and it is) but now I just sit through the holiday or family event, drink wine, and be grateful I can mind my own business until I get to go home.

Wait -- are you spending time with my in-laws? I've been married to my husband for almost 20 years and I know nothing about his family as nothing goes beyond the superficial.

This sounds like my ILs too! Well, if you add in constant small passive agressive digs and obvious favoritism (gifts for one sibling that cost $150, gifts for another that cost about $10). Luckily, we only see them once a year, unfortunately it's for 3-6 days at a time. I feel bad for DH, his siblings are such assholes and I don't like the crap he pulls when we're around them. He's better than he used to be, but they can still push his buttons like no one else.

Anonymous wrote:The elders in the family set the tone of how things go - whether you like the word matriarch or not. She can find ways to bring everyone together, suggest a fun event or rent a beach house for a week. Many families have parents or elders who plan for ways to bring people together. Others choose to sulk at the fact that no one gets along and just make plans separately with everyone or not at all. When the children are not raised to value relationships and togetherness, they don't make it a priority. You have to set an example and that is the responsibility of the elders/matriarch/patriarch whatever you want to call it.

I don't "sulk." But I also don't like fake and forced "togetherness." You don't have to spend a week at the beach with your inlaws to teach your children to value relationships. And it's not your MIL's responsibility to teach YOUR child to value the things YOU want YOUR child to value.

If you want to plan events and bring people together, then go for it. But you can't force people to like each other. And that's another lesson children should understand. You also can't force people to have the same vision of how things should be that you have. And you shouldn't resent them for it either.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My in-laws and DW's siblings never have any conversation that goes beyond pleasantries and the superficial at family gatherings. The mother and father are divorced and the siblings, who have reduced themselves to over-aged teenagers around their parents, do everything to avoid conflict. At the end of the day, they really don't like each other. At first I thought it was odd (and it is) but now I just sit through the holiday or family event, drink wine, and be grateful I can mind my own business until I get to go home.

Wait -- are you spending time with my in-laws? I've been married to my husband for almost 20 years and I know nothing about his family as nothing goes beyond the superficial.

Doesn't this depress you and make you feel sorry for your kids that have to be around this dysfunction? It is such a bad example of how to behave and it also makes for awful holidays. I used to love Thanksgiving. I have been dreading it for the past 3 weeks. I'm so envious of those that are excited and have great plans. I will go for 3-4 hours, make superficial conversation, compliment MIL on her costco food selections and her lated home goods purchase, and chase my 2 year old who should be napping at 2pm rather than eating a Thanksgiving meal.

np. We are in the same situation with DH's family. Everything is superficial nice-nice during get-togethers. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't want the airing of grievances over the Thanksgiving table, but interpersonal tension is never dealt with. It builds.

I don't feel sorry for my kids because they don't know what's going on with the relatives. The dynamic they see is "normal" for family events. There's no ugliness, just no warm fuzzies. For those we have a network of friends and neighbors who we really enjoy seeing and spending time with. The kids have fun together, the adults do too. I know it's corny, but lifelong friends are the family we choose rather than the family we were given.