Anonymous
11/10/2014 09:22
Subject: Issue with DH
Anonymous wrote:So sorry OP, he sounds like the husband from the movie, Sleeping with the Enemy. Majorly controlling.
+1.
Watch that movie, OP. It will give you lots of insights.
Anonymous
11/10/2014 09:21
Subject: Issue with DH
Anonymous wrote:DH and I often have a talk that results into nothing. It's always about the same things. It's always about me that not putting enough effort to change or improve myself. It's always the same excuses I give every time. I suggested we see marriage counsellor because things aren't resolved between us but DH doesn't think it is necessary as we can talk calmly. I personally don't think the issue between us is going to be resolved any time soon. Should I just see an counsellor myself? Will that help?
The problem is I don't communicate and express my thoughts well (pardon me, English is not my first language). I sometimes say "I don't want to talk about it" if I don't feel like talking over something or I foresee it is not going to end good. DH said I keep a secret from him. He thinks that there is nothing that we cannot talk about in the family. He asks "How do you feel if our daughter say that to you?". Then he pressures me to answer him when I can talk about it. I have to give him a timeline. But it is not good either because he said I will not talk about it again x hours later, I will just do my personal stuff and avoiding the issue.
The other problem is I see and do things way different than DH. DH is micro detailed person. He pays attention to little detail like curtain is not completely closed and some sunlight get in early morning waking him up. When I close the curtain in the our room, I don't do a good job to completely cover all. It is annoying to him to fix it. He goes into even more detail than that. We have body wash, shampoo, conditioner (lined up in this order) and if I use the conditioner and put it back in the wrong order or a foot away from the others, it's not good enough too. There are things I do that is not up to his standard and he has to re-do it. He said it is a waste of time for him and why can't I just do it right the first time.
The way I see it is we are different, function differently. I am fine with the way he is, who he is. If I don't like something about him, I will try to find a way around it first and if it doesn't work then I tell him that I don't like abc and if he can do xyz. There aren't too many and when I asked him, he does change it over time. Things that he asked me to change, I try but it is a hit and miss. It takes too long to change. This is another reason he said I don't make effort to improve. And because he can do it, any reason I give him is an excuse for me to not improving. I agree he is much better than me.
I guess you get the idea. I am not looking to point out who is wrong or right. I just feel like we don't hear each other and things just go in circle and not resolved. Every time we have a talk, his logic is unbreakable. I feel like he pressure me to agree that he is right therefore things should be done that way. I agree too but I don't get it done as he expected. My brain just doesn't work the same way. I need help to find a way to work with DH better to solve our issues.
Sorry about the long post and my English. If anything is not clear, I will try to clarify it. Thank you for any response.
First of all, DW about your English. It's perfectly clear. I get what you're saying just fine.
Second and most important... your husband is the one who has a problem. See the paragraph I highlighted? If I had to live with someone who acted like that, I'd be in the psychiatric ward before a year was over. It's called OCD - Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. It's an illness and it's not his fault, but he needs to get therapy and treatment for that in order for life to be bearable in your marriage.
He doesn't get to tell you "you're not good enough" over such unimportant things.
Anonymous
11/08/2014 13:47
Subject: Issue with DH
Yes, saying it's about you being a better person is a desperate manipulative attempt to make things his way.
Anonymous
11/08/2014 13:14
Subject: Issue with DH
This is not about making you a better person, it's about everything being his way. He has major control issues and is not only suggesting, but requiring you to fit his mold. And if he screams and throws things, then no you are not able to discuss things calmly. Therapy would be a wonderful help for both of you or at least for you if he won't go.
Anonymous
11/08/2014 11:38
Subject: Issue with DH
There are workbooks on Amazon, or maybe something like this: http://www.amazon.com/Fear-Abyss-Healing-Wounds-Perfectionism/dp/149358068X/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1415464517&sr=1-1&keywords=perfectionism+workbook
Anonymous
11/08/2014 11:33
Subject: Issue with DH
Sounds like he has poor boundaries and wants everything open between you. Also he wants you to own his problems. Tell him we each can own our own problems. You want the shampoo that way, then line it up like that before your shower. It's not a priority for me and nobody I know thinks about how shampoo is lined up and I won't either. I have my own problems and sometimes I need to sit with them on my own to figure out how to deal with them or let them go. My husband does not like it when I keep secrets but I do anyway. You should see a therapist OP to learn how to deal with him. Maybe a marital therapist. My guess is if he goes with you he will not be able to handle it. People like him are very fragile. Do not let him make you feel bad about yourself OP. He is the one with the problem. On top of OCD, perfectionism, and control (all related) he sounds very insecure. By the way, if you can talk him into therapy for himself, have him go to a Cognitive Behavioral therapist. They are the ones that deal with OCD, perfectionism, and control. There are workbooks for adults to work on those things too. Maybe you could say, I'll work on my English if you work on your Perfectionism. Let's each do these workbooks (find one on composition writing or grammar, just to be balanced about it) and devote 30 min twice a week to it. You can tell him that his perfectionism is driving you crazy. Good luck.
Anonymous
11/08/2014 09:00
Subject: Issue with DH
Uhhm sound more like OCD to me... I married one and now I have more issues than he does. Everything "has a place." My drapes have to be not only closed completely, but they have to be closed in a certain way... So I do it myself. The decorative pillows have to arranged in a certain way... My housekeeper has been driving me nuts all week and I think it's on purpose! Please don't dress my chairs with your jacket or your handbag either. Use the coat rack. If you use a cup or a spoon, hand wash it and put it in the dishwasher. Yes. And ohh no one sits on my cream sectional it's for decorative purposes only. Do not even bother getting something in the pantry if you will not return it exactly where you found it. Do not use the kitchen if you spill something either on the counter or on the floor, be it crumbs, water or whatever and you can't clean it up right away. Who are you leaving the mess for? Clean up after your self please. Wearing shoes in the house? Let's not even go there please.
On a second thought, I am not OCD, I am just a neat freak and I like order. It makes my house manageable. I guess you don't mix up paperwork in the office either. In short, OP I think your DH was very patient with you during your first year of marriage, he hoped you would somehow "learn." How hard is it to put something where you found it? How hard is it to put the same effort you put at your work place in your house?
On a second thought, I am not OCD, I am just a neat freak and I like order. It makes my house manageable. I guess you don't mix up paperwork in the office either. In short, OP I think your DH was very patient with you during your first year of marriage, he hoped you would somehow "learn." How hard is it to put something where you found it? How hard is it to put the same effort you put at your work place in your house?
Anonymous
11/07/2014 12:27
Subject: Issue with DH
Here's my suggestion:
When your husband asks you "Do you want to be a better person?" you say,"Yes, you get to point out ONE THING that I did that you think I can do better. That's all I can handle. One thing."
He tells you about the shower things and so forth.
If he starts down a long list, hold up your hand in a "STOP" motion and tell him "I am concentrating very hard on thinking about your one thing and working on it."
Also, write down what he tells you on a list. Date it. That way you can refer to it when he brings it up again and assure him you are working on it.
When your husband asks you "Do you want to be a better person?" you say,"Yes, you get to point out ONE THING that I did that you think I can do better. That's all I can handle. One thing."
He tells you about the shower things and so forth.
If he starts down a long list, hold up your hand in a "STOP" motion and tell him "I am concentrating very hard on thinking about your one thing and working on it."
Also, write down what he tells you on a list. Date it. That way you can refer to it when he brings it up again and assure him you are working on it.
Anonymous
11/07/2014 12:01
Subject: Re:Issue with DH
Anonymous wrote:It's very supportive to hear my English is not so bad, at least my writing is. Thanks, PPs.
DH is not an attorney. He hate reading, he won't be one. But I do feel like I was being questioned by a lawyer or policeman when having a serious talk. Although I may not do anything wrong, he make me feel like I did.
Now that you mention work, I just realize there are always issues with the people at his workplace. Although he mostly did not work as a team but eventually he hate someone there and calls it a quick. He changes his jobs like every few years because he can't stand the people or the way the boss runs the business. It makes no sense, it's stupid, others are quitting, people are treated poorly, etc.
PP@21:16. It's a good question. I don't know why I didn't say anything like that. I guess the way he talk makes me feel like it is my fault so I just sit there and admit it passively. There is one thing I didn't mention. I don't know if it matters. I can't look at him when we talk. I just can't (I don't do it normally with other people) and keep looking down like I did something bad and being punished. I tried but whenever I see his eyes, it feels very uncomfortable and I just have to look down or look away.
Whoa. You are obviously intimated by your husband. I don't have any advice, but I am a much more confrontational person. Perhaps a therapist can help you. I'm sure your husband is not the only person in your life that you submit to. Maybe your parents made you submissive?
Is your husband from the country of Georgia?
Anonymous
11/07/2014 11:03
Subject: Re:Issue with DH
OMG. Where to start.
First, English. OP, If you speak the way you write, then your husband either DOES NOT WANT to understand you or is using this as a handle to make you feel inferior. Because there's NOTHING wrong with your English.
Second, everything that you've listed as a cause for disagreement is nonsense. The way you line up shampoo bottles or arrange the curtains does not make you a better or worse person.
Third, you need to stop giving in to him. Do not listen to the arguments over why you should change. And express that in a clear and vocal manner.
Believe me, I am fighting that battle myself. I have a husband who is a wonderful man. He's a great provider. Extremely intelligent and hard-working. Keeps in good shape. Supports me in my professional aspirations and thinks I am smart and beautiful (yee!). He is also a neat freak and demands the same from me. He can turn sulky or throw a bitchy remark because I left my coffee mug in the sink (did not put it in the dishwasher) or because the pots and pans in the kitchen cupboard are stacked in an untidy fashion. Over the 10 years that we've been together, I've learned to detach. If he's willing to get his knickers in a knot (what a wonderful expression, isn't it - also coming from a non-native English speaker) over something like that, it's his problem. I walk away. I'll go do my own thing. I also let him know, without going into any deep discussions, that he is nitpicking. Does it work - well, not entirely. You cannot change the other person. But you can change your attitude and not fall prey for his little petty bullshit.
First, English. OP, If you speak the way you write, then your husband either DOES NOT WANT to understand you or is using this as a handle to make you feel inferior. Because there's NOTHING wrong with your English.
Second, everything that you've listed as a cause for disagreement is nonsense. The way you line up shampoo bottles or arrange the curtains does not make you a better or worse person.
Third, you need to stop giving in to him. Do not listen to the arguments over why you should change. And express that in a clear and vocal manner.
Believe me, I am fighting that battle myself. I have a husband who is a wonderful man. He's a great provider. Extremely intelligent and hard-working. Keeps in good shape. Supports me in my professional aspirations and thinks I am smart and beautiful (yee!). He is also a neat freak and demands the same from me. He can turn sulky or throw a bitchy remark because I left my coffee mug in the sink (did not put it in the dishwasher) or because the pots and pans in the kitchen cupboard are stacked in an untidy fashion. Over the 10 years that we've been together, I've learned to detach. If he's willing to get his knickers in a knot (what a wonderful expression, isn't it - also coming from a non-native English speaker) over something like that, it's his problem. I walk away. I'll go do my own thing. I also let him know, without going into any deep discussions, that he is nitpicking. Does it work - well, not entirely. You cannot change the other person. But you can change your attitude and not fall prey for his little petty bullshit.
Anonymous
11/07/2014 10:53
Subject: Re:Issue with DH
If he's throwing things when he gets upset, that's abusive or at least on the way to being abusive.
If he asks whether or not you want to be a better person, your answer should be "No. I am happy with myself the way I am. I want you, as my husband and partner, to also accept me the way I am, not the way you want me to be. This is who I am. You need to accept it."
Honestly, given the descriptions you've given of your husband, I'm not sure this marriage is going to last. You need counseling not so much for your marriage but to learn to stand up for yourself. You're only answering "yes" to his questions because (it seems to me that) you are intimidated by him and want him to accept you. But he's refusing to accept you as you are; he only wants you to change. This is not acceptable.
Marriage is a partnership with two equals. I don't see, in any of the behavior you've described, that your DH sees things that way.
I also think you should start saving money in a separate account in case things get worse (I'm not sure what's really worse than throwing things; maybe punching you?) and you need to leave.
Good luck.
If he asks whether or not you want to be a better person, your answer should be "No. I am happy with myself the way I am. I want you, as my husband and partner, to also accept me the way I am, not the way you want me to be. This is who I am. You need to accept it."
Honestly, given the descriptions you've given of your husband, I'm not sure this marriage is going to last. You need counseling not so much for your marriage but to learn to stand up for yourself. You're only answering "yes" to his questions because (it seems to me that) you are intimidated by him and want him to accept you. But he's refusing to accept you as you are; he only wants you to change. This is not acceptable.
Marriage is a partnership with two equals. I don't see, in any of the behavior you've described, that your DH sees things that way.
I also think you should start saving money in a separate account in case things get worse (I'm not sure what's really worse than throwing things; maybe punching you?) and you need to leave.
Good luck.
Anonymous
11/07/2014 10:53
Subject: Re:Issue with DH
It's very supportive to hear my English is not so bad, at least my writing is . Thanks, PPs.
DH is not an attorney. He hate reading, he won't be one. But I do feel like I was being questioned by a lawyer or policeman when having a serious talk. Although I may not do anything wrong, he make me feel like I did.
Now that you mention work, I just realize there are always issues with the people at his workplace. Although he mostly did not work as a team but eventually he hate someone there and calls it a quick. He changes his jobs like every few years because he can't stand the people or the way the boss runs the business. It makes no sense, it's stupid, others are quitting, people are treated poorly, etc.
PP@21:16. It's a good question. I don't know why I didn't say anything like that. I guess the way he talk makes me feel like it is my fault so I just sit there and admit it passively. There is one thing I didn't mention. I don't know if it matters. I can't look at him when we talk. I just can't (I don't do it normally with other people) and keep looking down like I did something bad and being punished. I tried but whenever I see his eyes, it feels very uncomfortable and I just have to look down or look away.
. Thanks, PPs.
DH is not an attorney. He hate reading, he won't be one. But I do feel like I was being questioned by a lawyer or policeman when having a serious talk. Although I may not do anything wrong, he make me feel like I did.
Now that you mention work, I just realize there are always issues with the people at his workplace. Although he mostly did not work as a team but eventually he hate someone there and calls it a quick. He changes his jobs like every few years because he can't stand the people or the way the boss runs the business. It makes no sense, it's stupid, others are quitting, people are treated poorly, etc.
PP@21:16. It's a good question. I don't know why I didn't say anything like that. I guess the way he talk makes me feel like it is my fault so I just sit there and admit it passively. There is one thing I didn't mention. I don't know if it matters. I can't look at him when we talk. I just can't (I don't do it normally with other people) and keep looking down like I did something bad and being punished. I tried but whenever I see his eyes, it feels very uncomfortable and I just have to look down or look away.
Anonymous
11/07/2014 01:03
Subject: Issue with DH
Your English is very good!
You asked about gaslighting. Please read this:
http://www.thehotline.org/2014/05/what-is-gaslighting/
(((hugs)))
You asked about gaslighting. Please read this:
http://www.thehotline.org/2014/05/what-is-gaslighting/
(((hugs)))
Anonymous
11/06/2014 21:16
Subject: Issue with DH
You need a therapist. Drapes are annoying but the shampoo bottle thing is really crazy. Why don't you tell him you'll put them however you want to?
Anonymous
11/06/2014 20:52
Subject: Re:Issue with DH
OP, your English is fine. Perfectly understandable and clearer than some comments I've read by native speakers.
Your DH sounds like a jerk. Maybe it's cultural, maybe it's not, but if it makes you unhappy it needs to change. If he refuses to see a therapist, you at least should see one. He sounds extremely controlling and borderline abusive. Yelling and especially throwing things is not normal. It's abuse.
Your DH sounds like a jerk. Maybe it's cultural, maybe it's not, but if it makes you unhappy it needs to change. If he refuses to see a therapist, you at least should see one. He sounds extremely controlling and borderline abusive. Yelling and especially throwing things is not normal. It's abuse.