OP here. Great suggestions so far - thank you! If only the SILs would be helpful and include us on a gift

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How about talking to her about it?

"Sally, I want to ask you something. Every year we try really hard to think of gifts you would enjoy, things that convey how much we care and how important you are to us. But we feel like you don't really enjoy the things we give you and would rather get you something you like, than continue to spend money and energy in ways you don't enjoy. Can you give me some ideas of things you'd value or appreciate receiving from us?"

Then sit back and see how she responds. If nothing else this clears the air and can alleviate you of guilt going forward. But maybe she'll realize how she's been behaving and adjust her attitude, or maybe she'll give you some real suggestions. Maybe she'll appreciate your candor or maybe not but continuing to let it fester does no good for anyone.

I like this. OP here. In the past, we have emailed her and she says "I don't need anything". Yes, but that was not the question! The question was "it's Christmas, what can we get you!?" Thanks PP.

And she will say, "I told you: I don't need anything. Please don't extend yourself on my behalf. " You can't win this game. I would call up her favorite store and have them mail her a gift card with a short note wishing her a Merry Christmas.

My parents are difficult to shop for (but not difficult themselves...) just because they don't need anything and are trying to de-clutter their lives. For the past few years, I've sent them a nice holiday tabletop item (think pine, candles, wreath, etc.) It's nice as they don't always have a tree and is something they wouldn't buy themselves, but they don't have to keep it forever.

How about making a donation to a charity in her name? Pick something that she may care about then give her a card with the information inside. Pretty hard to argue or complain about that one.

Anonymous wrote:How about talking to her about it?

"Sally, I want to ask you something. Every year we try really hard to think of gifts you would enjoy, things that convey how much we care and how important you are to us. But we feel like you don't really enjoy the things we give you and would rather get you something you like, than continue to spend money and energy in ways you don't enjoy. Can you give me some ideas of things you'd value or appreciate receiving from us?"

Then sit back and see how she responds. If nothing else this clears the air and can alleviate you of guilt going forward. But maybe she'll realize how she's been behaving and adjust her attitude, or maybe she'll give you some real suggestions. Maybe she'll appreciate your candor or maybe not but continuing to let it fester does no good for anyone.

I like this. OP here. In the past, we have emailed her and she says "I don't need anything". Yes, but that was not the question! The question was "it's Christmas, what can we get you!?" Thanks PP.

How about talking to her about it?

"Sally, I want to ask you something. Every year we try really hard to think of gifts you would enjoy, things that convey how much we care and how important you are to us. But we feel like you don't really enjoy the things we give you and would rather get you something you like, than continue to spend money and energy in ways you don't enjoy. Can you give me some ideas of things you'd value or appreciate receiving from us?"

Then sit back and see how she responds. If nothing else this clears the air and can alleviate you of guilt going forward. But maybe she'll realize how she's been behaving and adjust her attitude, or maybe she'll give you some real suggestions. Maybe she'll appreciate your candor or maybe not but continuing to let it fester does no good for anyone.

OP here. I believe the French call it joie de vivre. Not so much, in this instance.

Anonymous wrote:How about a set of primo extra VOO and fine balsamic wine? I can tell you were to write to some splendid gifts from No. California.

OP here. I'm really (really) not trying to be difficult. This has been going on for years. We brought her fresh pressed OO straight off the plane from Italy. They pressed it on the grounds where we stayed. Nothing. Her reaction was "why on earth would you bring me olive oil?" I gave some to my friends, they were thrilled and cooked elaborate dishes with us - more of the reaction or personality we are used to, I guess. Their dines were so impressive, better than anything we could have learned to make.

No food. No clothes. No friends. You get the idea. Maybe wine. Is there a great wine? She might need it

And I agree with PPs, I could stand on my head and spit nickels, and she wouldn't care. But a practical stranger (or of course, the daughters) could do something inane, and it would somehow be the best thing ever. Puzzling. She does like word puzzles. She's a bit of a loner, doesn't like talking, or laughing, really......hard to explain....

If we give her an ornament or puzzle from the children, she will recycle it back to us. I could not make this up.....

She refuses to hand anything of significance down to us, even though we show the most interest. Yet the daughter's husbands have gotten significant family belongings. Very hurtful. But I digress.

She only shops at one store, and we can't really get there (I don't want to name it, it might give away too much information...)

Anyone have someone so impossible to buy for?

Anonymous wrote:You are going about this all wrong.

This should take up hardly any space in your mind, and for crying out loud, stop asking DH to spend more time with people who treat him so poorly.

Let them go, to the greatest extent possible. Fill your life with joy and people who treat you well.

This. My MIL is a b-tch, and it sounds like yours is too. Only your situation is compounded by bitchy SILs. I would not waste another minute on this. In the beginning, I put a great deal of time and effort (e.g., Coach purse, cashmere scarf, concert tickets to her favorite singer, etc.) and she liked them, but she's not a nice person, so I decided DH can deal w/ figuring out gifts. After enough years, it's hard enough to figure out nice gifts for the people you actually like and treat you nicely.

I can relate to the treating other grand kids better though. I've seen it w/ BIL's kid (maybe b/c he was the first grandkid or maybe b/c he's not of mixed race like ours is (we're an inter-racial couple). At any event, I do not go out of my way to foster any time w/ her or send pics to her (like an album). I'm not good about printing out 1000s of digital files for our own family, I hardly have the time or desire to do so for her.

I am sorry that your DH's family treats you and him (which is weird since my MIL doesn't do this to her own kid) like second class citizens. Move on and forget about them. Life is way too short!

550 on my MIL? That is more than our entire Christmas gift budget...

How about a set of primo extra VOO and fine balsamic wine? I can tell you were to write to some splendid gifts from No. California.

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, she doesn't like you, she doesn't want a relationship with you and anything you do is not going to be appreciated. Do you imagine there is some gift you could give that would make a lightbulb go off for her and suddenly she appreciates you? No. Not happening.

And if I'm really honest I'm your MIL and my MIL is you. I dislike who she is so much (long story) that whatever token gift she sometimes thinks to give me is an irritant and I get rid of it.

Thank you for your honest answer. Did she do something to you, or is she just very different? Or very similar? Curious. Seriously.

Anonymous wrote:I agree that you should stop trying so hard. This woman obviously doesn't like you and no gift in the world is going to change that.

However, I consider myself a master gift giver, so I'll bite. If you want to get her something practical and pricey, get her a cashmere stole. These are so luxe and practical that it's hard not to love them:

http://www.johnstonscashmere.com/us/accessories/scarves-stoles/cashmere-classic-stole-22107.html

I suggest the Otter color for the MIL that hates everything. Good luck!

It's beautiful, but that is a lot of money for someone who is so impossible to please, PP!

I love giving gifts, too.

I agree that you should stop trying so hard. This woman obviously doesn't like you and no gift in the world is going to change that.

However, I consider myself a master gift giver, so I'll bite. If you want to get her something practical and pricey, get her a cashmere stole. These are so luxe and practical that it's hard not to love them:

http://www.johnstonscashmere.com/us/accessories/scarves-stoles/cashmere-classic-stole-22107.html

I suggest the Otter color for the MIL that hates everything. Good luck!

I would stick to the practical: gift cards to grocery store, liquor store, gas card or a gift certificate at her hairdressers. Don't stress.