Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Ie no friends for the first month, 4 hours a week for the second month or whatever. She clearly needs boundaries but I don't even know how to begin to create appropriate ones.

So I'm not understanding why "no friends" is an appropriate boundary? I understand creating boundaries around where she goes and around time that you are taking care of the child while she is doing fun activities, but that doesn't mean "no friends." There are lots of appropriately supervised ways that she could interact with friends -- and it probably would be good for her to have time to spend decompressing with other teens. You could supervise her and one close female friend -- take them to a mall, drop them off at a movie, you stroll around the mall with the baby for 90 minutes, then take them to lunch/dinner with baby in tow.

And I think also that making sure she has a fun activity to make up for missing the dance would be nice. Don't constrain her so much she busts out and rebels.

I don't get OP's incessant need for adult supervision. I mean....the baby is already here.

Oh well, fuck it, you're right. She's already ruined her life so just let her have at it, hanging in parking lots with shiftless young adults, drinking and smoking all day. Sounds like a plan.

Normal kids do a lot of socialization in school, in activity clubs, while volunteering, during sports practice etc. They chat with their friends using apps and social media. They attend school dances.

I do not see any reason for a teen mom to socialize more that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Ie no friends for the first month, 4 hours a week for the second month or whatever. She clearly needs boundaries but I don't even know how to begin to create appropriate ones.

So I'm not understanding why "no friends" is an appropriate boundary? I understand creating boundaries around where she goes and around time that you are taking care of the child while she is doing fun activities, but that doesn't mean "no friends." There are lots of appropriately supervised ways that she could interact with friends -- and it probably would be good for her to have time to spend decompressing with other teens. You could supervise her and one close female friend -- take them to a mall, drop them off at a movie, you stroll around the mall with the baby for 90 minutes, then take them to lunch/dinner with baby in tow.

And I think also that making sure she has a fun activity to make up for missing the dance would be nice. Don't constrain her so much she busts out and rebels.

I don't get OP's incessant need for adult supervision. I mean....the baby is already here.

Anonymous wrote:
Ie no friends for the first month, 4 hours a week for the second month or whatever. She clearly needs boundaries but I don't even know how to begin to create appropriate ones.

So I'm not understanding why "no friends" is an appropriate boundary? I understand creating boundaries around where she goes and around time that you are taking care of the child while she is doing fun activities, but that doesn't mean "no friends." There are lots of appropriately supervised ways that she could interact with friends -- and it probably would be good for her to have time to spend decompressing with other teens. You could supervise her and one close female friend -- take them to a mall, drop them off at a movie, you stroll around the mall with the baby for 90 minutes, then take them to lunch/dinner with baby in tow.

And I think also that making sure she has a fun activity to make up for missing the dance would be nice. Don't constrain her so much she busts out and rebels.

I don't see a problem with her going to the dance if you're able to babysit. She shouldn't be punished to isolation because she had a baby. If she's an otherwise good mom and gets home at a reasonable time, like any other parent with a sitter, let her have a little fun.

"Raise" a teen mom?

I would say she has declared herself an adult.
I wouldn't be her babysitter - except for school/work
and then only if you wouldn't be resentful.

I think one has to realize the 15 year old probably did not come from a family with very good role model parent(s) so she has had little to model being a parent after. OP - what is the end game in this situation - does Social Services at least "hope" the teenager will bond with the baby and be able/willing to be a responsible parent for her child by the time she ages out of foster care? Or is it more realistic to view that you are the foster Mom of two children? Also, do you have any idea if there is a goal of reuniting with her bio family at all?

This teenager has a baby because she had not boundaries set and was in with less than positive circumstances. In my opinion, a firm line needs to be taken with her which does not mean 11:00 p.m. curfew on a school night. She needs to be taught the skills that any teenager would be expected to know by age 15:

- How to do her laundry.
- How to clean her bedroom and bathroom.
- How to prepare basic breakfast dishes and make her lunch even the night before for school.
- How to work with the budget she probably has through the Foster Care program for basic expenses.

In addition, she also needs to learn how to care for her baby as much as possible, but safely in terms of feeding, bathing/dressing and one-on-one playtime to bond. Since you are "legally" foster Mom to both, this may be the "grayer area" about who has responsibility for what. Still it is the important one as far as developing a Mother-child bond. And also considering what is most important for the teen Mom now which is to get back to school and to complete her studies. So for example, there very could be "shared"night time feedings so that the teenager gets a good night sleep to go to school, but she has the weekend nights. I would also encourage you to praise her whenever she does do something or even makes a good attempt as again, she may never have heard that she can do nuch.

This girl needs to have a change of so many behaviors that it is hard to know where to start, but I do think ending the nighttime forarys to the local corner at least during the school week has got to be one. If this girl has any friends at all in the high school, I would encourage her to invite them over for dinner and/or to encourage "school related' outings with them on the weekend. She is a minorso you can set the rules, but I think your foster care agency needs to discuss what skills and goals are most important for this girl to acquire. Then, also what negative behaviors are most dangerous to her and how - if there is a way - they might be curbed. Or what battles need to be fought and what things could just slide. You certainly have a tough case on your hand so do reach out to the resources available for you to learn how best to help her.

The number one goal needs to be the safety and nurturing of the baby, and if the teen is not capable of doing so, then it must be recognized and fall on you. And you will need to be honest with the social workers. Obviously, the girl does need to have goals set for getting her GED/high school diploma, being on a job directed high school program unless she has a desire and ability for college track, attending parenting classes, and also counseling.

Did her case worker give any guidelines?

Anonymous wrote:Do you have a counselor who can help you negotiate rules together? To me, this situation screams for a trusted, thoughtful third party mediator.

Agreed. Where is the social worker? Or did they just give you legal guardianship of this teen and her child and say "good luck!"? If anything, a social worker should be partnering with you to explain these things to the child. And yes, she is a child - of 15. A child "raising" a child. Oy.

As a side note, the defensive former teen moms need to back off OP. She's doing something not many people would do and needs help. If you can't provide thoughtful responses, you probably shouldn't respond at all.

Anonymous wrote:When she goes out she needs to remember that she is a mother now. She needs to be ready to and capable of caring for her baby after she goes out. So home at an hour that will allow her to do that.

Since you are the only logical babysitter right now, I would let her know how long you are willing to babysit and she will have to work with that. She's a parent now, her responsibilities come first.

At 15 I had an 11:00 curfew no matter what I was doing. If it was a school dance I was picked up at 11:00. Plus, I was only allowed out until 11:00 on either Friday or Saturday night. (My parents were fairly strict with that)

I would think 11 or so is late enough for a 15 year old, especially since it seems she has a history of not making the best choices. (RE: your comment on activities) She must be home on time, sober/straight and ready to care for her baby when he/she wakes up during the night. If that can't be done then she can't go out. How often she goes out depends on how often you are willing to babysit.

Thanks!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP here. For me, how often I was willing to babysit would depend partially on how responsible she was being. If she's taking her new role seriously then I would be more inclined to babysit than if she's expecting someone else to do the rough stuff most of the time.

Yes she is. She is a very good mom.

Different poster here. That's awesome to hear!

Anonymous wrote:PP here. For me, how often I was willing to babysit would depend partially on how responsible she was being. If she's taking her new role seriously then I would be more inclined to babysit than if she's expecting someone else to do the rough stuff most of the time.

Yes she is. She is a very good mom.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Her child is in my custody as well,.

are you sure about this? Obviously you are in a much better position to know this than some random person on the internet but quite frankly that really surprises me and runs counter to my experience as a foster parent. generally the teen is in foster care, the baby is the care of the teen since the baby has not been abused or neglected.
If the teen mom has abused or neglected the baby the baby is generally placed elsewhere.

I hear you about the chores- which is why I think it is important to establish whether the baby is your responsibility or hers. If the baby is hers, you are not asking her to sweep your floors, you are bartering for babysitting services. You could even let her propose something-- ie I can keep the baby for you for 2 hours so you can ago to the dance, but that takes 2 hours of my time that I would otherwise be making diner/ cleaning, what have you- so what would you oike to do to make up that time?

Yes. We are in a gray area because as you illustrate, this situation is not typical.

PP here. For me, how often I was willing to babysit would depend partially on how responsible she was being. If she's taking her new role seriously then I would be more inclined to babysit than if she's expecting someone else to do the rough stuff most of the time.

When she goes out she needs to remember that she is a mother now. She needs to be ready to and capable of caring for her baby after she goes out. So home at an hour that will allow her to do that.

Since you are the only logical babysitter right now, I would let her know how long you are willing to babysit and she will have to work with that. She's a parent now, her responsibilities come first.

At 15 I had an 11:00 curfew no matter what I was doing. If it was a school dance I was picked up at 11:00. Plus, I was only allowed out until 11:00 on either Friday or Saturday night. (My parents were fairly strict with that)

I would think 11 or so is late enough for a 15 year old, especially since it seems she has a history of not making the best choices. (RE: your comment on activities) She must be home on time, sober/straight and ready to care for her baby when he/she wakes up during the night. If that can't be done then she can't go out. How often she goes out depends on how often you are willing to babysit.