Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, you said it yourself, it is his NEW wife. At some point along the way when you were "new" you probably treated him better. And being a step mom does not compare to being a mom. Not to knock step moms, I just mean that if there is an involved mom, you can't compare how you are a mom to your kids vs. how the step mom is - she probably has less time with them, probably little if any alone time with them, and they are "new" to her too.

Don't get me wrong, I hope that she remains a great wife and mom, but the comparisons aren't really fair.

OP here - no, they live with them. I get them on weekends. I agreed to it because ex-Dh was always the main caregiver. So she spends a lot more time with them than I do.

What's wrong with you that you let your ex-DH be the primary caregiver?

OP here. Ouch. He's a work-from-home-guy. I'm a doctor. Much easier for him to be the main parent.

I don't get this ever. No way I would agree to being mom only on weekends.

She's not "mom only on weekends", jerk. She's a mom all the time. Are you not a mom when your kids are at school?

Op, some people have a knack for certain things. Some people don't. I commend you for being the bigger person, and not resorting to criticism of her.

I know women (wives/mothers/DILs) whose MIL (a little different) really resent their DILs; because the DIL is more "Martha Stewart" than the MIL could ever hope to be, even if they tried. Inevitably, it makes for an awkward relationship, because the MIL will not let it go.

It just comes naturally to some to be more organized/neat/conscientious/whatever. So what? Again, I commend you for stepping up and being the better person, by not allowing this to strain your relationship.

You are smart to know you get more bees with honey than vinegar! (Is that the saying?)

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, you said it yourself, it is his NEW wife. At some point along the way when you were "new" you probably treated him better. And being a step mom does not compare to being a mom. Not to knock step moms, I just mean that if there is an involved mom, you can't compare how you are a mom to your kids vs. how the step mom is - she probably has less time with them, probably little if any alone time with them, and they are "new" to her too.

Don't get me wrong, I hope that she remains a great wife and mom, but the comparisons aren't really fair.

OP here - no, they live with them. I get them on weekends. I agreed to it because ex-Dh was always the main caregiver. So she spends a lot more time with them than I do.

What's wrong with you that you let your ex-DH be the primary caregiver?

OP here. Ouch. He's a work-from-home-guy. I'm a doctor. Much easier for him to be the main parent.

I don't get this ever. No way I would agree to being mom only on weekends.

Be grateful OP

Instead of constantly obsessing over how crap your life is, start being grateful. What are the things or people you have in your life that you can be thankful for? Start defining your life by the good, as opposed to the bad.

Two things come to my mind:

Maybe you weren't a better mother and wife (whatever that means anyway) because you were not in a happy relationship!
And, my personal mantra, we all have 24 hours in a day and if you spent your time color-coordinating towels then you don't have tome for something else that OP is doing.

OP, don't beat youself up, you are doing the best YOU can and that has to be enough.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, you said it yourself, it is his NEW wife. At some point along the way when you were "new" you probably treated him better. And being a step mom does not compare to being a mom. Not to knock step moms, I just mean that if there is an involved mom, you can't compare how you are a mom to your kids vs. how the step mom is - she probably has less time with them, probably little if any alone time with them, and they are "new" to her too.

Don't get me wrong, I hope that she remains a great wife and mom, but the comparisons aren't really fair.

OP here - no, they live with them. I get them on weekends. I agreed to it because ex-Dh was always the main caregiver. So she spends a lot more time with them than I do.

What's wrong with you that you let your ex-DH be the primary caregiver?

Men can't be the primary caregiver? My DH is the primary and he is an awesome dad. I bring home the money. Working full time at a stressful job does make it more difficult to be a great mom. But I'm just doing the best I can. Not many women could work full time and be supermom. I bet if we got divorced he would get custody.

For OP, I think posting on here is a good way to get your frustrations out. Ignore the nasty comments that are misguided. Do your best, that's all anyone can ask of you. You cannot be perfect so don't beat yourself up.

Then work on yourself, OP. That's really all you can do.

OP - I could be the stepmom you are describing. We got custody of my stepkids when they were 4 and 7. They are grown now. I don't know if I am a "better wife". I do keep our home much, much cleaner than she did. I've been been in her home. She isn't into decorating and she isn't much of a housekeeper. But she is a great cook! And she could open up a bakery with her cookies!

By definition, I am probably a better mother. She wasn't abusive, but she was neglectful in many ways. The kids were not eating very well. Her life was in chaos all the time. She just couldn't get her shit together, for lack of a better explanation. She didn't take them to the dentist. She neglected basic medical needs. She loved them, but she just did not the life skills to take very good care of them.

They lived with us full time from the ages of 4 and 7 only seeing her for a few days twice a year. She forgot Birthdays. She didn't send Christmas gifts. She missed graduations. She rarely even called them. Months would pass without any contact at all. However, she is still their mother. They love her and she loves them. Nothing will ever change that. If your kids' stepmom is as awesome as you say she is, then she will never do anything to undermine the importance of that mother/child relationship. She may be mothering you kids right now, but you will always, always, always be mom.

Here's how I read your original post. I am super impressed that you are a big enough person to admit all of that. A bitter, angry person would never admit that the new wife was better at anything. So, I'm impressed.

You know that tells me? You're a good person and probably a good mom. The fact that the new wife is nice to you is great for your kids, so kudos to both of you. And I'm certain she would not be very nice to you if you were nasty to her, so a huge pat on the back to you for not being awful to her. That must be very hard to do. regardless of the circumstances.

I'm glad you can express that all here anonymously. If you were my husband's ex, and you said just a fraction of that to me, well, it would make me feel like ten million bucks. Not sure if you would consider that, but imagine the impact on your kids if you and their stepmother were friendly (rather than polite) with each other.

Way to go all three of you. I think you are setting a great example for your kids and for other parents. It is okay to be jealous. But you are dealing with it.

OP, I can see how this might make you feel stressed out.

I'm just wondering why she seems to be the one handling everything for the family. You mentioned that your ex used to be the primary caregiver. If so, was he the one who let things slide when you were out working?

How is it now at their house? Is she the SAHM and your ex the one going out and earning money?

I wouldn't beat yourself up too much about not being able to juggle everything if you had to work, clean and take care of the family. It's hard for anyone to manage all of that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, you said it yourself, it is his NEW wife. At some point along the way when you were "new" you probably treated him better. And being a step mom does not compare to being a mom. Not to knock step moms, I just mean that if there is an involved mom, you can't compare how you are a mom to your kids vs. how the step mom is - she probably has less time with them, probably little if any alone time with them, and they are "new" to her too.

Don't get me wrong, I hope that she remains a great wife and mom, but the comparisons aren't really fair.

OP here - no, they live with them. I get them on weekends. I agreed to it because ex-Dh was always the main caregiver. So she spends a lot more time with them than I do.

What's wrong with you that you let your ex-DH be the primary caregiver?

OP here. Ouch. He's a work-from-home-guy. I'm a doctor. Much easier for him to be the main parent.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, you said it yourself, it is his NEW wife. At some point along the way when you were "new" you probably treated him better. And being a step mom does not compare to being a mom. Not to knock step moms, I just mean that if there is an involved mom, you can't compare how you are a mom to your kids vs. how the step mom is - she probably has less time with them, probably little if any alone time with them, and they are "new" to her too.

Don't get me wrong, I hope that she remains a great wife and mom, but the comparisons aren't really fair.

OP here - no, they live with them. I get them on weekends. I agreed to it because ex-Dh was always the main caregiver. So she spends a lot more time with them than I do.

Then stop hating. You were a part time mother then and a part time one now.

Uh wtf? Would you say the same to a dad who worked out of the home? Someone has to be the breadwinner if one parent stays home you jackass.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, you said it yourself, it is his NEW wife. At some point along the way when you were "new" you probably treated him better. And being a step mom does not compare to being a mom. Not to knock step moms, I just mean that if there is an involved mom, you can't compare how you are a mom to your kids vs. how the step mom is - she probably has less time with them, probably little if any alone time with them, and they are "new" to her too.

Don't get me wrong, I hope that she remains a great wife and mom, but the comparisons aren't really fair.

OP here - no, they live with them. I get them on weekends. I agreed to it because ex-Dh was always the main caregiver. So she spends a lot more time with them than I do.

What's wrong with you that you let your ex-DH be the primary caregiver?

Her ex-husband was probably the better parent.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, you said it yourself, it is his NEW wife. At some point along the way when you were "new" you probably treated him better. And being a step mom does not compare to being a mom. Not to knock step moms, I just mean that if there is an involved mom, you can't compare how you are a mom to your kids vs. how the step mom is - she probably has less time with them, probably little if any alone time with them, and they are "new" to her too.

Don't get me wrong, I hope that she remains a great wife and mom, but the comparisons aren't really fair.

OP here - no, they live with them. I get them on weekends. I agreed to it because ex-Dh was always the main caregiver. So she spends a lot more time with them than I do.

What's wrong with you that you let your ex-DH be the primary caregiver?

Obviously, that's why you're the ex.