Anonymous wrote:I don't have advice, but I wanted to say that my bil moved in with his wife's family when they were newliweds and he ended up developing a very close relationship with his father in law. It isn't always awful.

This scenario is actually much more common. Parents of the wife feel close to her and the children. The wife is already familiar with her parents' home routine (having grown up with them) and the DH is usually fine fitting in with that dynamic.

I don't have advice, but I wanted to say that my bil moved in with his wife's family when they were newliweds and he ended up developing a very close relationship with his father in law. It isn't always awful.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi everyone, I am the OP, I wanted to thank you guys for your advice and help. My husband did ask if this would be okay prior to arranging it. I really am okay with saying yes. When I married him, I gained a great FIL and BIL. I consider them my own family and will help them in the same way I would help my own parents. I am nervous about what this will mean for our marriage. We have our routines and like to relax cuddled up on the couch after work for example. We will need to work hard to make sure we still take alone time and spend time together. As far as the time period for this, my FIL has struggled with finding a new job and has a lot of health issues. I consider his brother living with us at least until he is college aged. As for his father I just don't know. I will try to lead by example in the house, if they see easily how we like to clean things, I hope they follow suit. As for dinners, I will plan on for now cooking unless someone wants to offer. I never learned how to cook for two anyway and typically make enough meal to feed a small army. I am nervous about them being comfortable, us being comfortable and if my FIL might never get back on his feet.

It's these hopes and unspoken expectations that PPs are warning you need to be explicitly stated. What may be obvious to you, ie - the standard of cleanliness for the place, won't be obvious to others and they will disappoint you without even realizing it or meaning to. It happens with room mates, spouses, and certainly house guests - live-in ILs aren't going to be an exception in this regard. Having a chore schedule is probably the best way to keep everyone happy. Your FIL and BIL hopefully don't want to impose, so if they know exactly what you expect of them, they'll be happier and you'll be happier. If you don't want to instruct them on what to do and how to do it, then simply ask them how they're like to contribute to the household - would they like to cook twice a week? take out the trash? do the laundry? vaccum? It can be their choice, but they need to pick something and do it.

+1

This is 13:52. OP, this post of yours concerns me. It seems like you think people will be happier if you don't ask anything of them. In fact, the opposite will be true. People don't need someone to cook and clean for them. They need structure and roles to play so they can feel included, valuable and secure. You even said yourself that you're nervous about them feeling comfortable. Why would you not give your family members the opportunity to contribute to creating this new and functional family unit? "Leading by example" is not leadership if you stop there.

Also OP, time to talk about money. You can throw out your situation here on this thread or you can open a new thread on Money and Finances (where you might get more practical and expert advice). If you're thinking about money the way you're thinking about cooking and cleaning, then you have a long way to go.

The most important thing for all four of you is that there needs to be a plan in place and as you noted all legal matters handled correctly in letting your landlord know of the two additions to your apartment and getting the appropriate person on the lease.

OP - you are somewhat vague on the status of the teenager. If he is still in high school then he needs to transfer and be sure that he gets enrolled with appropriate classes. It would be nice if DH could take an interest in him if FIL is dealing with too much himself right now. His program status needs to be checked so that he is on target to graduate when expected. Next issue would be if he is in a vocational sequence so he can find a job after high school or if he has any expectation of college that DH/you learn when any FAFSA and other financial aid application forms need to get done because clearly he has no resources. Also, to be sure all college applications are done. For the teen, he will need to be able to study and if he has extra time encourage him to find a part-time job. If he is out of school, then he definitely should be out there looking for a job. BIL will also qualify for health insurance through FAMIS through age 19 and should be registered.

For FIL, I would not give him till the New Year to get moving as by then he will be used to sitting and not doing. He needs to have a routine in the house, and if he is the one at home most of the time for a while, then give him more tasks to do such as starting dinner prep or whatever. If he is new to the area, you might try to do some research on area employment services especially for seniors with limited means. Is there any possibility of updating his skills set with online course work or a couple of classes at the local community college? If nothing else, he does need to get up and out to a volunteer job to keep help improve his own self-esteem, keep him engaged with folks and keep his resume somewhat active.

It would seem he does have a college degree and if he has a clean background, why not encourage him to register for substitute teaching in a couple of area high schools? Also stores like Lowe's higher folks part-time and often offer full health benefit?

It is also true that depending on where you live FIL should go down to the local Department of Social Services to see what benefits he might qualify for including possibly job search assistance as he really could note that he is now "homeless." Are there any susidized or low income housing that he could also get on the list for. FIL can't be allowed to become a "couch potato."

Anonymous wrote:Hi everyone, I am the OP, I wanted to thank you guys for your advice and help. My husband did ask if this would be okay prior to arranging it. I really am okay with saying yes. When I married him, I gained a great FIL and BIL. I consider them my own family and will help them in the same way I would help my own parents. I am nervous about what this will mean for our marriage. We have our routines and like to relax cuddled up on the couch after work for example. We will need to work hard to make sure we still take alone time and spend time together. As far as the time period for this, my FIL has struggled with finding a new job and has a lot of health issues. I consider his brother living with us at least until he is college aged. As for his father I just don't know. I will try to lead by example in the house, if they see easily how we like to clean things, I hope they follow suit. As for dinners, I will plan on for now cooking unless someone wants to offer. I never learned how to cook for two anyway and typically make enough meal to feed a small army. I am nervous about them being comfortable, us being comfortable and if my FIL might never get back on his feet.

It's these hopes and unspoken expectations that PPs are warning you need to be explicitly stated. What may be obvious to you, ie - the standard of cleanliness for the place, won't be obvious to others and they will disappoint you without even realizing it or meaning to. It happens with room mates, spouses, and certainly house guests - live-in ILs aren't going to be an exception in this regard. Having a chore schedule is probably the best way to keep everyone happy. Your FIL and BIL hopefully don't want to impose, so if they know exactly what you expect of them, they'll be happier and you'll be happier. If you don't want to instruct them on what to do and how to do it, then simply ask them how they're like to contribute to the household - would they like to cook twice a week? take out the trash? do the laundry? vaccum? It can be their choice, but they need to pick something and do it.