Cassiopeia wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Cassiopeia wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

We met via our daughters.. And she is also in a strange marriage.

Go onnnnnnnn

I would prefer not to go into detail... I feel very lucky to have had her in my life for the last 2+ years. I am a happier person.

You're also fooling yourself.

Fooling himself how? I think after two years he knows if he's really happy.

His home life seems so dismal. I honestly don't understand how guys put up with that kind of situation for the sake of their kids. I mean, are you sure it's not at least partially because you still love your wife? Are you planning to leave when the kids are grown? To me that seems so much more destructive to everyone involved. I wonder how many guys who say they'll leave when the kids are grown actually do it.

He's fooling himself about the quality of the relationship. Even after two years, it's a relationship in secret, while they each carry on their mundane day-to-day lives separately. Sure, someone can be wonderful when you only see them to relax and have sex, without any of the real-life crap that comes with that. If they were to both end the marriages to be together, there's a good chance this relationship would end up just like his marriage, and then it would be all about how she did this and she withheld that and he's a victim, because he has zero self-awareness of his role in the state of his current marriage. Any relationship can be wonderful when you're only together for the good stuff.

I see your point, and I know statistically few second marriages survive (I think the divorce rate is like 70%??). He said he thinks she never loved him, so while there's always blame to go around in relationship problems, in this situation it seems like a basic incompatibility.

I also think that if two people are deeply in love, the real-life crap doesn't matter as much. Especially if those two people spent years with an avoidant spouse who never showed any affection at all, no hugs, no kissing, let alone sexual desire. I think two people coming out of marriages like that would hang on for dear life if given the chance to be together honestly.

To me there's being "in love" where you can't get enough of someone, you love their smell, their taste, you want to know everything about them. The feeling of clicking with someone, of being instantly comfortable. This is a feeling and it's either there or it isn't. And then there's long-term love, where it's a choice, you decide to love someone because you know they're a good person, you've judged them to have a good character, they check off the boxes. I think if after two years this guy is still in love with the OW that a marriage between them would survive.

Anonymous wrote:

Cassiopeia wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

We met via our daughters.. And she is also in a strange marriage.

Go onnnnnnnn

I would prefer not to go into detail... I feel very lucky to have had her in my life for the last 2+ years. I am a happier person.

You're also fooling yourself.

Fooling himself how? I think after two years he knows if he's really happy.

His home life seems so dismal. I honestly don't understand how guys put up with that kind of situation for the sake of their kids. I mean, are you sure it's not at least partially because you still love your wife? Are you planning to leave when the kids are grown? To me that seems so much more destructive to everyone involved. I wonder how many guys who say they'll leave when the kids are grown actually do it.

He's fooling himself about the quality of the relationship. Even after two years, it's a relationship in secret, while they each carry on their mundane day-to-day lives separately. Sure, someone can be wonderful when you only see them to relax and have sex, without any of the real-life crap that comes with that. If they were to both end the marriages to be together, there's a good chance this relationship would end up just like his marriage, and then it would be all about how she did this and she withheld that and he's a victim, because he has zero self-awareness of his role in the state of his current marriage. Any relationship can be wonderful when you're only together for the good stuff.

Cassiopeia wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

We met via our daughters.. And she is also in a strange marriage.

Go onnnnnnnn

I would prefer not to go into detail... I feel very lucky to have had her in my life for the last 2+ years. I am a happier person.

You're also fooling yourself.

Fooling himself how? I think after two years he knows if he's really happy.

His home life seems so dismal. I honestly don't understand how guys put up with that kind of situation for the sake of their kids. I mean, are you sure it's not at least partially because you still love your wife? Are you planning to leave when the kids are grown? To me that seems so much more destructive to everyone involved. I wonder how many guys who say they'll leave when the kids are grown actually do it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

We met via our daughters.. And she is also in a strange marriage.

Go onnnnnnnn

I would prefer not to go into detail... I feel very lucky to have had her in my life for the last 2+ years. I am a happier person.

You're also fooling yourself.

Dirtyolsailor wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What caused her to check out?

The main issue is that I do not think that she really loved me or had real passion for me when we got married 20+ years ago. Our sexlife has been sad. She had never initiated. It has been 10 years since we had sex. She never shows any form of affection towards me. We have been roommates and coparents. She really checked out after the first child was born and then told me that she wanted another one. I saw the warning signs but I always thought that she would return to her normal self. It seems like her normal self is very close to being nonaffectionate towards me and asexual or she just does not love me.

I really enjoy sex but only when I am with someone that I really care about. My AP is amazing and together we are amazing. We are in our forties and feels like we are in our twenties... The last twenty years have been sexually dry for both of us.

Maybe she checked out because you were a lousy husband. If you were not, you are now. If you were a decent man, you would have left the ,a triage to date, not cheat.

Or maybe it's nearly impossible for two people to fully satisfy other's every sexual need, forever. Statistics back this up pretty well, and I did not say it never happens, Other cultures understand this and that's why they allow for discreet affairs. Our Puritan ancestors have condemned us to a devils choice of frustration or shame. And if you are a person with a low sex drive, the power behind these feelings is incomprehensible to you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

We met via our daughters.. And she is also in a strange marriage.

Go onnnnnnnn

I would prefer not to go into detail... I feel very lucky to have had her in my life for the last 2+ years. I am a happier person.

You're also fooling yourself.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What caused her to check out?

The main issue is that I do not think that she really loved me or had real passion for me when we got married 20+ years ago. Our sexlife has been sad. She had never initiated. It has been 10 years since we had sex. She never shows any form of affection towards me. We have been roommates and coparents. She really checked out after the first child was born and then told me that she wanted another one. I saw the warning signs but I always thought that she would return to her normal self. It seems like her normal self is very close to being nonaffectionate towards me and asexual or she just does not love me.

I really enjoy sex but only when I am with someone that I really care about. My AP is amazing and together we are amazing. We are in our forties and feels like we are in our twenties... The last twenty years have been sexually dry for both of us.

Oh well...you have the OW...though I would've worked to find out WHY DW checked out-a question you haven't answered.

Wonder how long you and AP would be happy in a household together before she checks out too.

Hey! I'll bet AP's DH says the same about her (she checked out). Makes me wonder if your DW found someone too.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

We met via our daughters.. And she is also in a strange marriage.

Go onnnnnnnn

I would prefer not to go into detail... I feel very lucky to have had her in my life for the last 2+ years. I am a happier person.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What caused her to check out?

The main issue is that I do not think that she really loved me or had real passion for me when we got married 20+ years ago. Our sexlife has been sad. She had never initiated. It has been 10 years since we had sex. She never shows any form of affection towards me. We have been roommates and coparents. She really checked out after the first child was born and then told me that she wanted another one. I saw the warning signs but I always thought that she would return to her normal self. It seems like her normal self is very close to being nonaffectionate towards me and asexual or she just does not love me.

I really enjoy sex but only when I am with someone that I really care about. My AP is amazing and together we are amazing. We are in our forties and feels like we are in our twenties... The last twenty years have been sexually dry for both of us.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What caused her to check out?

The main issue is that I do not think that she really loved me or had real passion for me when we got married 20+ years ago. Our sexlife has been sad. She had never initiated. It has been 10 years since we had sex. She never shows any form of affection towards me. We have been roommates and coparents. She really checked out after the first child was born and then told me that she wanted another one. I saw the warning signs but I always thought that she would return to her normal self. It seems like her normal self is very close to being nonaffectionate towards me and asexual or she just does not love me.

I really enjoy sex but only when I am with someone that I really care about. My AP is amazing and together we are amazing. We are in our forties and feels like we are in our twenties... The last twenty years have been sexually dry for both of us.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

We met via our daughters.. And she is also in a strange marriage.

Go onnnnnnnn

Anonymous wrote:

We met via our daughters.. And she is also in a strange marriage.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What caused her to check out?

The main issue is that I do not think that she really loved me or had real passion for me when we got married 20+ years ago. Our sexlife has been sad. She had never initiated. It has been 10 years since we had sex. She never shows any form of affection towards me. We have been roommates and coparents. She really checked out after the first child was born and then told me that she wanted another one. I saw the warning signs but I always thought that she would return to her normal self. It seems like her normal self is very close to being nonaffectionate towards me and asexual or she just does not love me.

I really enjoy sex but only when I am with someone that I really care about. My AP is amazing and together we are amazing. We are in our forties and feels like we are in our twenties... The last twenty years have been sexually dry for both of us.

How did you and the other woman meet? What is her life like?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What caused her to check out?

The main issue is that I do not think that she really loved me or had real passion for me when we got married 20+ years ago. Our sexlife has been sad. She had never initiated. It has been 10 years since we had sex. She never shows any form of affection towards me. We have been roommates and coparents. She really checked out after the first child was born and then told me that she wanted another one. I saw the warning signs but I always thought that she would return to her normal self. It seems like her normal self is very close to being nonaffectionate towards me and asexual or she just does not love me.

I really enjoy sex but only when I am with someone that I really care about. My AP is amazing and together we are amazing. We are in our forties and feels like we are in our twenties... The last twenty years have been sexually dry for both of us.

Anonymous wrote:What caused her to check out?