Anonymous
Post 10/07/2014 23:03     Subject: DH Forces Me to Be His Secretary
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I don't know how else to describe it, but my DH won't do anything unless I remind him to hundreds of times. We are in our early 30s so it is not an age issue. He just always overextends himself so I'm forced to keep track of everything he has going on in his life- his work schedules, our social schedule, things he is supposed to do around the house, promises that he's made to other people. Literally every evening and every morning I have to ask him what he has planned for the day and then spend the rest of the day reminding him not to forget to do certain things.

For example, tonight he'll tell me that he has to work (he doesn't work a traditional schedule), go to a doctor's appointment, pick up his dry cleaning, and give someone a ride to the airport. This means that all day tomorrow, I'll have to remind him to complete each task or something won't get done. This gets super annoying when it relates to a task he has to complete at home because if I don't remind him, then it doesn't get done.

It's a pain for me to have to manage my life, his, and our infant's.

Anyone else have to deal with something similar?


I'm trying to understand why you feel you have to harp on him all the time when the natural consequences of him not doing these things aren't life-threatening. If you give him an inch, maybe he'll actually have some room to figure his shit out. Lay off, OP. Let him make mistakes.


They aren't life threatening, but they make life difficult for me and our family. For example, when he forgets to go to work, double books himself and/or overbooks himself and then doesnt have time to help with childcare or chores around the house, misses a medical appointment, etc.

Another example... for the past week I've been reminding him to fill out some important paperwork and he just keeps forgetting to do it. If he doesnt complete, sign, and submit it, it has the potential to impact our family financially. But he keeps forgetting.

It's definitely a challenge.
Anonymous
Post 10/07/2014 22:31     Subject: DH Forces Me to Be His Secretary
OP, my husband is this way too. Yes, he thought I was a nag and yes, I got tired of reminding him of everything, so I stopped. Nobody has died yet. Yes, he has overslept several hours and been late to work because he forgot to set his alarm, and he's missed some doctor and dentist appointments, but compared to the stress of managing adult's lives, it is no big deal.
Anonymous
Post 10/07/2014 22:31     Subject: Re:DH Forces Me to Be His Secretary
I have ADD and live and die by my google calendar. I always put addresses in of where my appts are and it will check traffic and remind me what time I need to leave by to make it there on time. I also set reminders via google to go off when I enter certain places---like I set one today to remember to make a dr's appt when I got home from work, and it went off when I walked in the door. It's been a godsend, really. I also like that I can have the family calendar show up in a different color and look at the week for everyone at a glance.
Anonymous
Post 10/07/2014 21:03     Subject: DH Forces Me to Be His Secretary
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I'm a vote for ADHD too. My DH has it but of course it didn't exist when he was growing up. If not ADHD, then he has executive functioning problems.

Do you people really exist? Does everyone think they have to have some kind of condition? Take responsibility for the fact that you are equipped with the same tools as everyone else. Seriously, this is ridiculous.


You are missing a couple tools from your own toolbox if you don't know or haven't at least observed that there are differences in people's abilities in different areas, like organization. Since when do people have equal abilities in everything?

But because you forget to pick up your dry cleaning you can now blame it on "executive functioning problems"? Grow up.
Anonymous
Post 10/07/2014 20:57     Subject: DH Forces Me to Be His Secretary
"Forces" seems to be the wrong word here. It seems, OP, that you voluntarily take on these duties.
If it's not ADD, or he's not willing to find out if it is, then it's time to make him be accountable for his responsibilities. Surely he can set his phone for reminders? If his dry cleaning doesn't get picked up, well then, he wears a different shirt.
You sound like an enabler, frankly
Anonymous
Post 10/07/2014 20:54     Subject: DH Forces Me to Be His Secretary
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I'm a vote for ADHD too. My DH has it but of course it didn't exist when he was growing up. If not ADHD, then he has executive functioning problems.

Do you people really exist? Does everyone think they have to have some kind of condition? Take responsibility for the fact that you are equipped with the same tools as everyone else. Seriously, this is ridiculous.


You are missing a couple tools from your own toolbox if you don't know or haven't at least observed that there are differences in people's abilities in different areas, like organization. Since when do people have equal abilities in everything?
Anonymous
Post 10/07/2014 20:42     Subject: DH Forces Me to Be His Secretary
Anonymous wrote:I'm a vote for ADHD too. My DH has it but of course it didn't exist when he was growing up. If not ADHD, then he has executive functioning problems.

Do you people really exist? Does everyone think they have to have some kind of condition? Take responsibility for the fact that you are equipped with the same tools as everyone else. Seriously, this is ridiculous.
Anonymous
Post 10/07/2014 19:03     Subject: DH Forces Me to Be His Secretary
NP: before I married my ex, his mother did all that. It was a shock when we returned from our honeymoon to inherit her job.
Anonymous
Post 10/07/2014 18:41     Subject: DH Forces Me to Be His Secretary
Anonymous wrote:

I'm trying to understand why you feel you have to harp on him all the time when the natural consequences of him not doing these things aren't life-threatening. If you give him an inch, maybe he'll actually have some room to figure his shit out. Lay off, OP. Let him make mistakes.


And his mother probably did the same thing, enabling him to get by without developing the skills he needs to cope with life!
Anonymous
Post 10/07/2014 18:36     Subject: DH Forces Me to Be His Secretary
I'm a vote for ADHD too. My DH has it but of course it didn't exist when he was growing up. If not ADHD, then he has executive functioning problems.
Anonymous
Post 10/07/2014 18:34     Subject: DH Forces Me to Be His Secretary
Anonymous wrote:I don't know how else to describe it, but my DH won't do anything unless I remind him to hundreds of times. We are in our early 30s so it is not an age issue. He just always overextends himself so I'm forced to keep track of everything he has going on in his life- his work schedules, our social schedule, things he is supposed to do around the house, promises that he's made to other people. Literally every evening and every morning I have to ask him what he has planned for the day and then spend the rest of the day reminding him not to forget to do certain things.

For example, tonight he'll tell me that he has to work (he doesn't work a traditional schedule), go to a doctor's appointment, pick up his dry cleaning, and give someone a ride to the airport. This means that all day tomorrow, I'll have to remind him to complete each task or something won't get done. This gets super annoying when it relates to a task he has to complete at home because if I don't remind him, then it doesn't get done.

It's a pain for me to have to manage my life, his, and our infant's.

Anyone else have to deal with something similar?


I'm trying to understand why you feel you have to harp on him all the time when the natural consequences of him not doing these things aren't life-threatening. If you give him an inch, maybe he'll actually have some room to figure his shit out. Lay off, OP. Let him make mistakes.
Anonymous
Post 10/07/2014 14:04     Subject: DH Forces Me to Be His Secretary
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I don't know how else to describe it, but my DH won't do anything unless I remind him to hundreds of times. We are in our early 30s so it is not an age issue. He just always overextends himself so I'm forced to keep track of everything he has going on in his life- his work schedules, our social schedule, things he is supposed to do around the house, promises that he's made to other people. Literally every evening and every morning I have to ask him what he has planned for the day and then spend the rest of the day reminding him not to forget to do certain things.

For example, tonight he'll tell me that he has to work (he doesn't work a traditional schedule), go to a doctor's appointment, pick up his dry cleaning, and give someone a ride to the airport. This means that all day tomorrow, I'll have to remind him to complete each task or something won't get done. This gets super annoying when it relates to a task he has to complete at home because if I don't remind him, then it doesn't get done.

It's a pain for me to have to manage my life, his, and our infant's.

Anyone else have to deal with something similar?


He might have ADD. You are probably a godsend. Be happy you make a practical difference in his life.


As someone who manages my ADD without medication, this was my thought as well.

Hpwever, the DH needs to stop behaving like w child and the OP needs to stop being his mother/martyr. This is a disastrous dynamic for a married couple.

I live and die by my calendar. We have a family calendar and every.single.activity including when kids school projects are due go in there. If an activity is not in there, I will miss it. Same at work. EVERYTHING goes in my outlook calendar. Yes, I sometimes miss things. Yes I sometimes annoy the shit out of my Dh, but nobody should be babysitting a 37yr old grown ass adult. If he can't handle ways to work around potential ADD he needs to see a doctor and start popping the amphetamines.


Where is your calendar? We have discussed putting a big whiteboard in the kitchen where he can write everything down. I think the only challenge is that sometimes he agrees to do things with/for people and doesn't tell me about it and then right when we're about to do something else, he'll get a call from the person wondering where he is and that throws a wrench in the day.


Gmail for oir family calendar. Work supplied for outlook.
Anonymous
Post 10/07/2014 11:41     Subject: DH Forces Me to Be His Secretary
Did he have helicopter parents?

I agree that you need to wash your hands of this nonsense. Warn him first
Anonymous
Post 10/07/2014 11:19     Subject: DH Forces Me to Be His Secretary
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP here- for PP that have said they think it's ADD/ADHD does that cause forgetfulness? I've always assumed that people who had that were just hyper all of the time. Please forgive my ignorance on the condition.


http://www.helpguide.org/articles/add-adhd/adult-adhd-attention-deficit-disorder.htm

http://www.help4adhd.org/about/what/wwk8


Wow, this is very informative. Thank you!!
Anonymous
Post 10/07/2014 10:57     Subject: DH Forces Me to Be His Secretary
Anonymous wrote:OP here- for PP that have said they think it's ADD/ADHD does that cause forgetfulness? I've always assumed that people who had that were just hyper all of the time. Please forgive my ignorance on the condition.


http://www.helpguide.org/articles/add-adhd/adult-adhd-attention-deficit-disorder.htm

http://www.help4adhd.org/about/what/wwk8