Anonymous
Post 10/02/2014 11:51     Subject: do you worry about your in laws moving close or in with you one day?
Yes.

And on the last visit, it was all my MIL talked about. Buying a condo right down the street from us and spending 6 months of the year there when she retires shortly.

This would be a disaster for my mental health, my marriage, and a bunch of other things. I am terrified it will come to fruition and they will demand all my H's time and he will give it becuase he has never learned to set appropriate boundaries. They will expect to be over all the time, eating me out of house and home, breaking things, and making messes in my house. They will not respect our need to have family time. I will have to take up chain smoking and become an alcoholic.

Our current relationshipt only "works" because the above only happens 2-3 weeks a year because of distance. Given my MIL lived within 30 miles of her parents and yet saw them once a month max and complained bitterly about it and FIL saw his family less than once a year after he left home, I cannot understand at all why they think this invasion into our lives is ok.
Anonymous
Post 10/02/2014 11:04     Subject: do you worry about your in laws moving close or in with you one day?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:MIL says all the time that she plans to spend several months out of the year up here once kids arrive. She even goes so far as to say things like, "Make sure any homes you look at to buy have a bedroom and a bathroom for me."

This would be my worst nightmare come true. Hell personified. How do I handle with dh???


I love my MIL, but I still have no interest in having any extra people move in with me, no matter how big my house. It will be a different story someday if they need assistance, but moving in for half the year while they are still hale and hearty and just want to hang out more, that would not fly. For the later in life caring for the parents stage, I am assuming it will be more likely my parents who will probably move in with us if anyone does, just by virtue of the fact that people seem to move in with their daughters more often than their sons, plus DH has way more siblings than I do anyway. Also, I'm pretty sure DH's parents have managed their finances better, so they are less likely to need help in any case. But who knows how it will all shake out in the end.

For your situation, I do think you need to have a serious talk with your husband about it. Ask him how he feels about it. Tell him honestly how you feel about it, and (assuming this is true) make sure you make it clear that it's nothing personal about his mom, you wouldn't want your mom living with you half the year either. How you actually go about tamping down her expectations, I don't know, but you probably should if you think she is really expecting to do this. Maybe mention that there are places she can rent nearby if she wants to stay that often?


She and I clashed a lot during wedding planning Bc of her lack of boundaries. I'm concerned that dog won't listen to my reasons on the merits Bc he will just think this is me not liking her and being personal. Well you know, i don't like her. I'm not opposed to the concept of a parents staying with you for long periods. I'm Asian and am very used to and encouraging of this setup...with the right personalities. I dread her weekend visits and visiting her for holidays. The thought of her in my home for more than a week makes me feel panicked and sad.


^^dh, not dog!!
Anonymous
Post 10/02/2014 11:04     Subject: do you worry about your in laws moving close or in with you one day?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:MIL says all the time that she plans to spend several months out of the year up here once kids arrive. She even goes so far as to say things like, "Make sure any homes you look at to buy have a bedroom and a bathroom for me."

This would be my worst nightmare come true. Hell personified. How do I handle with dh???


I love my MIL, but I still have no interest in having any extra people move in with me, no matter how big my house. It will be a different story someday if they need assistance, but moving in for half the year while they are still hale and hearty and just want to hang out more, that would not fly. For the later in life caring for the parents stage, I am assuming it will be more likely my parents who will probably move in with us if anyone does, just by virtue of the fact that people seem to move in with their daughters more often than their sons, plus DH has way more siblings than I do anyway. Also, I'm pretty sure DH's parents have managed their finances better, so they are less likely to need help in any case. But who knows how it will all shake out in the end.

For your situation, I do think you need to have a serious talk with your husband about it. Ask him how he feels about it. Tell him honestly how you feel about it, and (assuming this is true) make sure you make it clear that it's nothing personal about his mom, you wouldn't want your mom living with you half the year either. How you actually go about tamping down her expectations, I don't know, but you probably should if you think she is really expecting to do this. Maybe mention that there are places she can rent nearby if she wants to stay that often?


She and I clashed a lot during wedding planning Bc of her lack of boundaries. I'm concerned that dog won't listen to my reasons on the merits Bc he will just think this is me not liking her and being personal. Well you know, i don't like her. I'm not opposed to the concept of a parents staying with you for long periods. I'm Asian and am very used to and encouraging of this setup...with the right personalities. I dread her weekend visits and visiting her for holidays. The thought of her in my home for more than a week makes me feel panicked and sad.
Anonymous
Post 10/02/2014 10:54     Subject: do you worry about your in laws moving close or in with you one day?
Anonymous wrote:Ugh, OP, I don't know. Are you sure she's not joking? One easy solution would be to not have a house that could accommodate her, although perhaps you want to have a guest room/bath anyway? IF it were me I would ask my husband, "is she serious about living with us for several months/year? Because we should figure out how WE feel about that before having that convo with her."... would that work?


She's 100% serious. In fact, she's pushing us to buy a house now so she can start visiting for longer and more often.
Anonymous
Post 10/02/2014 10:46     Subject: do you worry about your in laws moving close or in with you one day?
You need to talk to your husband and get on the same page. Don't badmouth his mother, but paint a realistic picture about how all of you will end up miserable if she ever lives with you. Show that you mean well. Keep in mind that there are a lot of cultural variations in this area.

If your husband sees your side, then the two of you have to find some stock responses to his mom's comments, to show her that her scenario isn't going to happen. She may just be testing the waters, or she may actually expect to move in with you. If your husband doesn't agree with you, then you have some work to do there first.

My MIL has tried to move in with us, by force, and continues to try. I am unfailingly kind and polite with her, but she has no boundaries, so I have to set them all. She will never live with us as long as I'm in the picture. It would make us all miserable and destroy our family. My husband and I have talked many times about the reality of things versus what would be "nice" and culturally ideal, and he appears to understand how it has to be.

Anonymous
Post 10/02/2014 10:42     Subject: do you worry about your in laws moving close or in with you one day?
I seriously dream of my parents spending months with us! How do I make this happen? lol

They hint that they will come stay with us if we have children. It's a Catch-22 because we aren't willing to have children without nearby family since we were raised without family nearby.
Anonymous
Post 10/02/2014 10:39     Subject: do you worry about your in laws moving close or in with you one day?
Anonymous wrote:MIL says all the time that she plans to spend several months out of the year up here once kids arrive. She even goes so far as to say things like, "Make sure any homes you look at to buy have a bedroom and a bathroom for me."

This would be my worst nightmare come true. Hell personified. How do I handle with dh???


I love my MIL, but I still have no interest in having any extra people move in with me, no matter how big my house. It will be a different story someday if they need assistance, but moving in for half the year while they are still hale and hearty and just want to hang out more, that would not fly. For the later in life caring for the parents stage, I am assuming it will be more likely my parents who will probably move in with us if anyone does, just by virtue of the fact that people seem to move in with their daughters more often than their sons, plus DH has way more siblings than I do anyway. Also, I'm pretty sure DH's parents have managed their finances better, so they are less likely to need help in any case. But who knows how it will all shake out in the end.

For your situation, I do think you need to have a serious talk with your husband about it. Ask him how he feels about it. Tell him honestly how you feel about it, and (assuming this is true) make sure you make it clear that it's nothing personal about his mom, you wouldn't want your mom living with you half the year either. How you actually go about tamping down her expectations, I don't know, but you probably should if you think she is really expecting to do this. Maybe mention that there are places she can rent nearby if she wants to stay that often?
Anonymous
Post 10/02/2014 10:13     Subject: do you worry about your in laws moving close or in with you one day?
If she is serious about this, you need to man up tell her. Probably best if your DH tells her, or you together. Leading her on will eventually backfire.
Anonymous
Post 10/02/2014 10:00     Subject: do you worry about your in laws moving close or in with you one day?
Ugh, OP, I don't know. Are you sure she's not joking? One easy solution would be to not have a house that could accommodate her, although perhaps you want to have a guest room/bath anyway? IF it were me I would ask my husband, "is she serious about living with us for several months/year? Because we should figure out how WE feel about that before having that convo with her."... would that work?
Anonymous
Post 10/02/2014 09:58     Subject: do you worry about your in laws moving close or in with you one day?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I wish we could fast forward a generation and watch you being treated this way by your children's spouses. In laws deserve NO respect, right? Remember that when your son says, "sorry Mom, DW wants nothing to do with you, so please don't bother us. You're not a human being deserving of respect, understanding or love now that I'm married. Karma's a bitch that way."


You get what you deserve. My MIL told us DILs that she would not be babysitting. Fast forward twenty years and she's asking us and the kids to run errands for her. We're not enthused. Yes, karma's a bitch that way.


+1
You get what you give


AND the MILs were here first - the MILs set the precedent. It is in the smart MILs own best interests to be a great - warm and loving - example!

Anonymous
Post 10/02/2014 09:56     Subject: do you worry about your in laws moving close or in with you one day?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I wish we could fast forward a generation and watch you being treated this way by your children's spouses. In laws deserve NO respect, right? Remember that when your son says, "sorry Mom, DW wants nothing to do with you, so please don't bother us. You're not a human being deserving of respect, understanding or love now that I'm married. Karma's a bitch that way."


You get what you deserve. My MIL told us DILs that she would not be babysitting. Fast forward twenty years and she's asking us and the kids to run errands for her. We're not enthused. Yes, karma's a bitch that way.




+ 10000

It goes both ways. If you want to be taken care of in old age, be nice to ALL of your children. Playing favorites is ridiculous, and only bites you in the arse.

This goes for anything left behind, too, btw. Favoritism divides families. Everyone knows this.



Anonymous
Post 10/02/2014 09:44     Subject: Re:do you worry about your in laws moving close or in with you one day?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:People seriously hate their in laws this much? They are usually left alone, to literally die. Why can't they stay with you all?


We aren't talking about illness or an inability to care for herself. Mil just said she wants to spend several MONTHS at a time here.

Caring for a parent in crisis or bc you invited the person is one thing- a pushy in law announcing she intends to live in our home for months is quite another. Of course, this would be no problem if she were a pleasant, helpful person or one who minded her own business. She's none of those things. She snoops when visiting us, requested access to our personal calendars, and expects to be waited on hand and foot at no expense of her own.

It's a deal breaker for me. But how to share this with dh?


Here is the crux of this whole thread- this isn't an issue of anything other than not wanting to spend time with inlaws that are difficult- there are plenty of people who move closer to their families or whose parents move closer to their kids after retirement where it is welcomed, just as there are plenty who think they need to "lay down the law" on this before even getting married. To me that seems hard to do, you can't predict the future and if a parent really needed help or care I can't imagine pointing to a promise my spouse and I made when all of that was just an abstract idea in our 20s and turn away DH's mom if that's something that he wanted to do.
Anonymous
Post 10/02/2014 08:31     Subject: do you worry about your in laws moving close or in with you one day?
MIL and DIL would be totally fine, but SIL or BIL would be my worse nightmare. Absolutely horrible.
Anonymous
Post 10/02/2014 08:17     Subject: Re:do you worry about your in laws moving close or in with you one day?
How should op share these feelings with her husband? It's a sensitive conversation to have with the potential for hurt feelings all around.
Anonymous
Post 10/02/2014 07:41     Subject: do you worry about your in laws moving close or in with you one day?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I wish we could fast forward a generation and watch you being treated this way by your children's spouses. In laws deserve NO respect, right? Remember that when your son says, "sorry Mom, DW wants nothing to do with you, so please don't bother us. You're not a human being deserving of respect, understanding or love now that I'm married. Karma's a bitch that way."


You get what you deserve. My MIL told us DILs that she would not be babysitting. Fast forward twenty years and she's asking us and the kids to run errands for her. We're not enthused. Yes, karma's a bitch that way.


+1
You get what you give


My father taught me to work hard, make my own money, and save for when I am older so I can care for myself or pay for my own care... like he and my mom did.

I am not there to "cover your expenses" because you wanted to live off the dole your whole life, not work, not save, spend all your money.

Besides I don't think anybody really knows how violent a person with dementia can get. A person with dementia needs to be cared for by qualified staff. I do not want to be a burden to my children and scary to my grandchildren.

Karma... yes it is karma that I have enough to care for myself in my old age.

I don't get why women think they are free to live off the dole their whole lives.