Anonymous
09/29/2014 08:33
Subject: Considering Divorce
I think OP is my DW. Where did we go on our first date OP?
Anonymous
09/29/2014 08:26
Subject: Considering Divorce
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Leave if you must, but not for someone else. You will lose your integrity, and your DD will eventually find out and lose respect for you. It will create a difficult family dynamic that will make her life difficult for decades.
Divorced parenting is a huge hassle and a grind for years and years. You will have no control over who your ex dates and how they treat your daughter. You will be splitting up time with your daughter, but also your future grandchildren-- I know it seems a long time away, but my own parents are really struggling with that aspect of their divorce. Divorce casts a long shadow.
There's no guarantee that you'll find chemistry and passion even if you do get divorced. Divorce is the price children pay for their parents' chance at happiness, and it's an even more painful burden to bear if the parents don't end up happy.
Would not leave for someone else. That's not the plan.
Appreciate what you are saying about the long shadow. Fear of that is what's keeping me here for now.
I'm the PP here. Glad you understand what I am getting at-- a lot of people believe that the divorce only imposes negative consequences while their child is a minor, and then blow it off with the old cliche "children are resilient", which is used to justify all kinds of self-serving choices. Then they are surprised when the fallout goes on for the rest of their lives. Personally, I believe that the worst part of my parents' divorce is yet to come-- when my parents are elderly and relying on me for care, unable to help each other as a married couple would, and never did find that passionate soul mate that most divorcing people seem to think is waiting to walk into their life.
It's not about staying together "for the kids," but because you have a child you might prefer to stay married for your own sake, if you consider the long-term consequences. Divorce just replaces one set of problems with another. It doesn't have to be about fear, though, it's just a decision to choose one thing over another. It's not unreasonable to choose to stay together in a low-conflict partnership, after taking a realistic look at what divorced family life would actually be like. And the research is very clear that this is not any more harmful to children than divorce.
I say, make the effort to fall in love after marriage, like people in arranged marriages do. It might work, it might not, but at least you will be able to look your daughter in the eye and tell her you did everything you could.
not the op, but this pp.'s post helped me.
Anonymous
09/29/2014 06:49
Subject: Considering Divorce
I agree with what a lot od pp's are saying. I have been married for 20 years, and there have been ups and downs. Now that our kids are older, we are able to rekindle our romance. I think it is harder when kids are young and you have to put so much of yourself into taking care of them and your dh. It is exhausting!
I can see how a new man is fun and exciting. Who doesn't love that feeling? The problem is that he is married. Before you go looking for greener pastures, think about. What is really out there for a divorced woman with a child? Not a lot. I have friends who are divorced, and would love to be in your shoes right now. They thought finding a man would be so easy. It's not. They are on different dating sites, and if you knew the scum bags who are out there, you would go running back to dh. Trust me! My friends are attractive, successful, funny...they are struggling in the dating world.
My advice. Take a deep breath. End the affair. Take a look at all the good in your life...appreciate it. Not everyone has what you have.
I can see how a new man is fun and exciting. Who doesn't love that feeling? The problem is that he is married. Before you go looking for greener pastures, think about. What is really out there for a divorced woman with a child? Not a lot. I have friends who are divorced, and would love to be in your shoes right now. They thought finding a man would be so easy. It's not. They are on different dating sites, and if you knew the scum bags who are out there, you would go running back to dh. Trust me! My friends are attractive, successful, funny...they are struggling in the dating world.
My advice. Take a deep breath. End the affair. Take a look at all the good in your life...appreciate it. Not everyone has what you have.
Anonymous
09/28/2014 22:33
Subject: Re:Considering Divorce
OP you are selfish and need to do some hard-core internal work. You took a vow and you don't get to just walk because you are bored.
I am separated from my soon to be ex H (after 16 ys) because it became a high-conflict, toxic situation that was unhealthy for me and our kids. He left us out once for a couple of months, has had bouts of unemployment, and I had to call the cops on him once because he was so out of control. He has dx'd depression, adhd and lord knows what else. We've been in counseling, but he always quits when it gets tough. I've worked on my own issues, and feel like I've worked my ass off trying to make this marriage work.
My point being that the scenario you are describing is a ridiculous reason to implode a family. I'm getting a divorce because it is the healthiest solution and the only way to mitigate the damage to myself any my kids. A marriage to an emotionally abusive and unhealthy spouse is light years away from "I want more passion in my life, I deserve that". You need to think about what your DD deserves. If you and your DH are going through a rough patch, go get some therapy. And get some individual therapy while you are at it. You seem to have NO idea what an adult relationship entails, and what marriage means. Learn it and do it.
I am separated from my soon to be ex H (after 16 ys) because it became a high-conflict, toxic situation that was unhealthy for me and our kids. He left us out once for a couple of months, has had bouts of unemployment, and I had to call the cops on him once because he was so out of control. He has dx'd depression, adhd and lord knows what else. We've been in counseling, but he always quits when it gets tough. I've worked on my own issues, and feel like I've worked my ass off trying to make this marriage work.
My point being that the scenario you are describing is a ridiculous reason to implode a family. I'm getting a divorce because it is the healthiest solution and the only way to mitigate the damage to myself any my kids. A marriage to an emotionally abusive and unhealthy spouse is light years away from "I want more passion in my life, I deserve that". You need to think about what your DD deserves. If you and your DH are going through a rough patch, go get some therapy. And get some individual therapy while you are at it. You seem to have NO idea what an adult relationship entails, and what marriage means. Learn it and do it.
Anonymous
09/28/2014 22:30
Subject: Re:Considering Divorce
Well, OP, you may end up with that "perfect" fulfilling love that you crave, or you may not. You have to decide whether the chance is worth it.
My husband faced a similar situation when he was in his early 30s and married for a decade. He left the marriage, realizing that he would never be "in love" with his wife, blah blah blah. He thought it would be easy to find love, and that the kids were young enough to adjust.
Took him nearly 15 years--years of bad relationships, shared custody, financial difficulties--before he found a fulfilling relationship, with me. During that time, he did a shit ton of growing and thinking and learning.
The funny thing is that I think if he had done all that while he was married he'd still be married, and relatively happy--certainly a better relationship with his kids.
Your feelings are normal, and I for one am not going to demonize them. But I caution you to think very, very hard about whether you are rewriting history, as a PP says, and how much this recent affair has led you to believe that fulfillment lies with another man. Fulfillment only lies in yourself, and the rest may or may not follow.
for me, I personally would not leave a stable marriage with kids unless I knew I would be happier alone, with all that such a life entails, than with my spouse. Because that is the baseline reality--you may find true love, but you also may have a series of lonely disappointments.
Good luck.
My husband faced a similar situation when he was in his early 30s and married for a decade. He left the marriage, realizing that he would never be "in love" with his wife, blah blah blah. He thought it would be easy to find love, and that the kids were young enough to adjust.
Took him nearly 15 years--years of bad relationships, shared custody, financial difficulties--before he found a fulfilling relationship, with me. During that time, he did a shit ton of growing and thinking and learning.
The funny thing is that I think if he had done all that while he was married he'd still be married, and relatively happy--certainly a better relationship with his kids.
Your feelings are normal, and I for one am not going to demonize them. But I caution you to think very, very hard about whether you are rewriting history, as a PP says, and how much this recent affair has led you to believe that fulfillment lies with another man. Fulfillment only lies in yourself, and the rest may or may not follow.
for me, I personally would not leave a stable marriage with kids unless I knew I would be happier alone, with all that such a life entails, than with my spouse. Because that is the baseline reality--you may find true love, but you also may have a series of lonely disappointments.
Good luck.
Anonymous
09/28/2014 22:11
Subject: Considering Divorce
Anonymous wrote:OP, thank you for being honest. W/yourself. Who really cares if anyone on here judges or berates you? None of us on here is perfect + honestly, we ALL have made mistakes in the name of love thus we ALL have our own crosses to bear as well.
I say, as long as you remain married to this man, you will always be selling yourself short in life. Sure, you were very vulnerable when you married him and I totally get the whole "comfort" thing regarding why you stayed w/him. However, you shouldn't punish yourself for the rest of your life just over one mistake.
I understand you have a child together, but that shouldn't keep you from living the life you deserve to live.
What you are craving is passion and yes, after awhile marriages tend to lose some of this, but your marriage never had it to begin w/.
Your husband does not sound like a bad man, he just doesn't sound like the right man for YOU. And no amount of counseling will magically make you fall helplessly in love w/him. I don't know any therapists who can sprinkle "Fairy Dust" unto people to make that magic happen.
Life is too short to settle for 2nd best OP.
You need to live life to its fullest extent and only you know the best way to start.
GL.
It's a bit late for this advice. She is already married. (Are you, PP?) This is the sermon someone should have given OP on the night before her wedding, not now.
OP, you made a mistake when you married your DH, but you want others to pay the price while you go about "living life to its fullest extent." Why do you deserve that when you are the one who made the bad decision in the first place?
Once you have kids, you can't put your own needs first. You want to pursue happiness in life -- at the expense of your child's happiness? I can't understand that.
The boat has sailed, OP. You're stuck with your life, or a parallel bad life if you jump ship now and try to "find true happiness" with a married man. In fact, your life will be even worse then.
I agree with a PP who said you need to grow up. You're not an adolescent imagining the perfect life before you. It's not going to happen for you no matter which way you slice it. It's hard to accept that life is less than perfect but that's how it is for most people. Accepting that is part of being an adult. Life is about responsibilities and the little day to day things more than it is about "living life to the fullest" as if you were on TV.
Anonymous
09/28/2014 21:50
Subject: Re:Considering Divorce
If you love and respect him, you can create the chemistry. It's all in the head. You just have to make it happen.
Anonymous
09/28/2014 20:55
Subject: Re:Considering Divorce
There is no such thing as "true love." Quit pining for something that doesn't exist.
Anonymous
09/28/2014 20:35
Subject: Considering Divorce
Ah, rewriting the marital history.
Cheater Handbook, Chapter 5 - "I never really was in love with my spouse. I deserve that kind of passion!" In reality, of course, they had that. They just need to rationalize the affair.
Cheater Handbook, Chapter 5 - "I never really was in love with my spouse. I deserve that kind of passion!" In reality, of course, they had that. They just need to rationalize the affair.
Anonymous
09/28/2014 20:28
Subject: Re:Considering Divorce
Leaving a good man whom you enjoy spending time with is a huge mistake. You'll end up in the same place in five years just with a different guy and a more complicated life.
Anonymous
09/28/2014 20:00
Subject: Re:Considering Divorce
I'm sorry but all I can say at this point is use the "golden rule" and do unto others. Say you were deeply in love with your spouse and he had an affair and wasn't sure he was ever really in love with you and instead picked you as the safe choice because he felt he should settle down and wanted a kid how would you want him to handle this? Would you agree if this was done to you it would be pretty sh^^ty because I'm sorry from where I am standing I think it is. Would you want him to stay with you always thinking there was someone/something better, I think not because it would be a matter of if not of when he would cheat again or end up leaving you or making things so unbearable that you would want to leave. So at this point the question would be how would you want him to break the news to you in such a way that you could be cordial and continue to co-parent and he fully accepted the responsibility for his actions and didn't try to make excuses.
So anyway, it doesn't sound like you have any interest in continuing the marriage and it sounds like your husband could likely find someone that would love him the way he should be loved. I don't see any question here other than how to go about it in a way that would would hurt him the least knowing there is no way to avoid hurting someone that hasn't been anything other than great to you.
So anyway, it doesn't sound like you have any interest in continuing the marriage and it sounds like your husband could likely find someone that would love him the way he should be loved. I don't see any question here other than how to go about it in a way that would would hurt him the least knowing there is no way to avoid hurting someone that hasn't been anything other than great to you.
Anonymous
09/28/2014 19:16
Subject: Considering Divorce
OP, it sounds like you're in an emotional state right now. As you know, when people are in an emotional state, they tend to make judgment calls that aren't great. Might be a good idea to avoid making any decisions you'll regret right now.
My guess is that your affair partner signaled his diminishing interest in you, leading you to "decide" to end the affair. Hence the unsettled state you're describing. Get some therapy - it sounds like you have a lot of issues to work out, for your own sake, for your husband's sake, and, most of all, for your child's sake.
My guess is that your affair partner signaled his diminishing interest in you, leading you to "decide" to end the affair. Hence the unsettled state you're describing. Get some therapy - it sounds like you have a lot of issues to work out, for your own sake, for your husband's sake, and, most of all, for your child's sake.
Anonymous
09/28/2014 19:04
Subject: Considering Divorce
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP you are confusing excitement and passion for "true love."
They aren't the same. True love takes effort and complete giving of yourself. Grand passions flame out.
Get solo counseling...not couples! You need to figure some stuff out about yourself.
OP again: No, I'm not. I know true love takes effort, and that all passion fades over time. But what if you've never felt a connection to begin with...
You didn't feel "in love" on your own wedding day?? If you actually thought you were settling on the day with the big white dress and flowers then why on earth did you do it?
Affairs play weird tricks on the mind. They make you forget what you had with your spouse. I hear this over and over from people who cheat emotionally or physically..."well we were never ever ever compatible/passionate/had a connection etc etc etc
Maybe you and your spouse could open up your marriage?
Amen to that. I can almost 100% guarantee that if she leaves her marriage, she'll come to regret it. She's mistaking the lust of a fresh dick with some sort of teen romance fantasy. Hey, good luck, OP!
Anonymous
09/28/2014 18:46
Subject: Considering Divorce
OP, thank you for being honest. W/yourself. Who really cares if anyone on here judges or berates you? None of us on here is perfect + honestly, we ALL have made mistakes in the name of love thus we ALL have our own crosses to bear as well.
I say, as long as you remain married to this man, you will always be selling yourself short in life. Sure, you were very vulnerable when you married him and I totally get the whole "comfort" thing regarding why you stayed w/him. However, you shouldn't punish yourself for the rest of your life just over one mistake.
I understand you have a child together, but that shouldn't keep you from living the life you deserve to live.
What you are craving is passion and yes, after awhile marriages tend to lose some of this, but your marriage never had it to begin w/.
Your husband does not sound like a bad man, he just doesn't sound like the right man for YOU. And no amount of counseling will magically make you fall helplessly in love w/him. I don't know any therapists who can sprinkle "Fairy Dust" unto people to make that magic happen.
Life is too short to settle for 2nd best OP.
You need to live life to its fullest extent and only you know the best way to start.
GL.
I say, as long as you remain married to this man, you will always be selling yourself short in life. Sure, you were very vulnerable when you married him and I totally get the whole "comfort" thing regarding why you stayed w/him. However, you shouldn't punish yourself for the rest of your life just over one mistake.
I understand you have a child together, but that shouldn't keep you from living the life you deserve to live.
What you are craving is passion and yes, after awhile marriages tend to lose some of this, but your marriage never had it to begin w/.
Your husband does not sound like a bad man, he just doesn't sound like the right man for YOU. And no amount of counseling will magically make you fall helplessly in love w/him. I don't know any therapists who can sprinkle "Fairy Dust" unto people to make that magic happen.
Life is too short to settle for 2nd best OP.
You need to live life to its fullest extent and only you know the best way to start.
GL.
Anonymous
09/28/2014 16:36
Subject: Considering Divorce
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Leave if you must, but not for someone else. You will lose your integrity, and your DD will eventually find out and lose respect for you. It will create a difficult family dynamic that will make her life difficult for decades.
Divorced parenting is a huge hassle and a grind for years and years. You will have no control over who your ex dates and how they treat your daughter. You will be splitting up time with your daughter, but also your future grandchildren-- I know it seems a long time away, but my own parents are really struggling with that aspect of their divorce. Divorce casts a long shadow.
There's no guarantee that you'll find chemistry and passion even if you do get divorced. Divorce is the price children pay for their parents' chance at happiness, and it's an even more painful burden to bear if the parents don't end up happy.
Would not leave for someone else. That's not the plan.
Appreciate what you are saying about the long shadow. Fear of that is what's keeping me here for now.
I'm the PP here. Glad you understand what I am getting at-- a lot of people believe that the divorce only imposes negative consequences while their child is a minor, and then blow it off with the old cliche "children are resilient", which is used to justify all kinds of self-serving choices. Then they are surprised when the fallout goes on for the rest of their lives. Personally, I believe that the worst part of my parents' divorce is yet to come-- when my parents are elderly and relying on me for care, unable to help each other as a married couple would, and never did find that passionate soul mate that most divorcing people seem to think is waiting to walk into their life.
It's not about staying together "for the kids," but because you have a child you might prefer to stay married for your own sake, if you consider the long-term consequences. Divorce just replaces one set of problems with another. It doesn't have to be about fear, though, it's just a decision to choose one thing over another. It's not unreasonable to choose to stay together in a low-conflict partnership, after taking a realistic look at what divorced family life would actually be like. And the research is very clear that this is not any more harmful to children than divorce.
I say, make the effort to fall in love after marriage, like people in arranged marriages do. It might work, it might not, but at least you will be able to look your daughter in the eye and tell her you did everything you could.