Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am 40, married with no children (childless but not by choice). My sister (who has two small children) is my mother's favorite. While my husband and I are both middle class professionals, my sister and her husband are more successful financially. My sister is much more like my mother than I am-both are very extroverted and tend to be status seeking while I am an introvert and work in the human services field. Neither my mother or my sister has had mental health issues-I've struggled with depression and anxiety my entire life. My father lives out of state and has not really been a part of my sister or my live's since my parents divorced when we were kids. I have a decent relationship with my sister at this point-we are very different people but have come to accept one another plus I am close with her kids. Unfortunately, I can't say the same thing about my Mom.

My mother has no interest in me or my life and hasn't for a long time. I almost always have to be the one to initiate contact with her and if I don't we can go weeks without talking. I have tried multiple times as an adult to strengthen the relationship but haven't been successful. I have directly talked about my concerns with her but she becomes very dismissive and defensive and accuses me of imagining things. I have talked about this with my sister but as my sister has a much better relationship with my mother her experience is different-she understands where I am coming from but doesn't really have any suggestions as to how to handle it. My husband agrees with me about my mother-he also sees the lack of interest-so I know it's not just something I've imagined. I'm sure that some of the lack of interest is because I don't have children but I think some of it is because she doesn't really value me as a person. In spite of counseling (I'm not in it now but have been before), I have never really gotten to a place where I can accept that this is the way it is...it hurts and I wish I could change it. I get tired of having to fake that everything is okay at family gatherings. This is going to sound pathetic but when I hear that Bonnie Rait song "I Can't Make You Love Me" it makes me think of my Mom.

If anyone has any thoughts or suggestions I would greatly appreciate it. Thanks.

OP, I highly suspect your mother and sister both have mental health issues. They're just different from yours. Your mother in particular sounds like she's pretty screwed up. Maybe it would be easier to accept your mother's behavior if you could acknowledge to yourself that you're not the only one in this family who has struggled with mental health problems.

I'm sorry you didn't get the mother you deserve. And I know it's hard to let go of the possibility that she could be different. It will be painful but once you get through it, you'll feel better. Good luck, OP!

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, OP. I have a similar situation with my stepmother. My mom died when I was little, and my stepmother raised us. She is closer to my sister, who married a wealthy doctor. While both of us have children, my step is always crowing about how wonderful my sister's family is, bragging about her kids, their travels, etc. Even my kids have noticed the favoritism, although I deny it in front of them because I feel like I should.

Unfortunately, I think you just need to accept that your mother has limitations, and one of them is that she is unable to demonstrate her love for you in the way that you crave. It doesn't sound like there's really anything to do to change that. You just need to find it in your heart to forgive her. I would not bring it up with her again, since it doesn't sound like that has worked well.

Meanwhile, you need to fight the jealousy you feel toward your sister. This isn't her fault--as you said, she naturally has a personality and lifestyle closer to your mom's, so the relationship seems easier. Eventually, when your mom is gone, your relationship with your sister and her children will remain, so be careful not to damage it.

Good luck, OP.