Anonymous
09/22/2014 06:45
Subject: Re:I don't know whether to give up on this marriage.
I'm a secretary. I've never gone to happy hour with my boss although we are pretty good friends. I had a co-worker (secretary also) who went to happy hour with her boss a lot, and also went to lunch with him. She ended up pregnant by him, had the baby, and his wife of 20 years filed for divorce. I wish you good luck, but your situation does not sound good. I don't think that dynamic between boss and secretary is normal unless there is an affair.
Anonymous
09/21/2014 16:13
Subject: I don't know whether to give up on this marriage.
It sounds to me like suddenly your husband has decided to live a second childhood in a way. In other words, simply absolve himself from any real adult responsibility in life. Whether or not this is truly a mid-life crisis is up for anyone's interpretation.
This
This
Anonymous
09/21/2014 16:12
Subject: I don't know whether to give up on this marriage.
It sounds to me like suddenly your husband has decided to live a second childhood in a way. In other words, simply absolve himself from any real adult responsibility in life. Whether or not this is truly a mid-life crisis is up for anyone's interpretation.
He is acting not only immature, but truly irresponsible, inconsiderate as well as ungrateful + selfish. He needs to start manning up and doing what needs to be done to keep things running smoothly and to stop causing you so much undue stress. As you can see, stress can be very detrimental to one's physical health and it is so unfair that you are suffering so much due to his immature ways.
Let him know in no uncertain terms that from today and ahead he is to hold up his end of the responsibilities of the house. You simply cannot endure anymore of this stress and if he decides to continue to play, then you will leave.
Honestly OP, you can do much better by yourself because at least that way you will no longer have to deal w/HIM. Because HE is the true and main source of your woes here.
+100 so many good responses but this is great
(((((( Hugs ))))))
He is acting not only immature, but truly irresponsible, inconsiderate as well as ungrateful + selfish. He needs to start manning up and doing what needs to be done to keep things running smoothly and to stop causing you so much undue stress. As you can see, stress can be very detrimental to one's physical health and it is so unfair that you are suffering so much due to his immature ways.
Let him know in no uncertain terms that from today and ahead he is to hold up his end of the responsibilities of the house. You simply cannot endure anymore of this stress and if he decides to continue to play, then you will leave.
Honestly OP, you can do much better by yourself because at least that way you will no longer have to deal w/HIM. Because HE is the true and main source of your woes here.
+100 so many good responses but this is great
(((((( Hugs ))))))
Anonymous
09/21/2014 15:17
Subject: I don't know whether to give up on this marriage.
Thank you all.
Everything we have is joint. I think both car payments are in my name. We have 2 mortgages(yeah) one house. And some credit card. I am constantly checking out financials now.
I am all over payments, and the phone has stopped ringing!
He feels I am smothering him with questions about expenses, but we now have more $ to put towards the other credit cards. He told me yesterday, he wants to start using one of the cards I just paid off. I said no. Just like that. Told him to stop spending so much on his secretary . He said- she pays her own way, if I paid that would be inappropriate ! LMAO! i cook dinner for myself and DC. I still do all the laundry... I can't help it, dinner was hard enough!
I have definitely stopped including him in our plans. If he complains I just say I wasnt sure when you were coming home and walk away.
This morning he went out and did some yard work
Everything we have is joint. I think both car payments are in my name. We have 2 mortgages(yeah) one house. And some credit card. I am constantly checking out financials now.
I am all over payments, and the phone has stopped ringing!
He feels I am smothering him with questions about expenses, but we now have more $ to put towards the other credit cards. He told me yesterday, he wants to start using one of the cards I just paid off. I said no. Just like that. Told him to stop spending so much on his secretary . He said- she pays her own way, if I paid that would be inappropriate ! LMAO! i cook dinner for myself and DC. I still do all the laundry... I can't help it, dinner was hard enough!
I have definitely stopped including him in our plans. If he complains I just say I wasnt sure when you were coming home and walk away.
This morning he went out and did some yard work
Anonymous
09/21/2014 14:00
Subject: Re:I don't know whether to give up on this marriage.
I am sorry in advance if this is all over the place, but my head is POUNDING and I truly don't know what to do anymore.
I am trying so hard to be optimistic.
My husband is having in my opinion, a mid life crisis. He acknowledges that he has changed but says it is all for his betterment.
He goes to happy hour and the gym 3-5 times weekly, comes home and is disconnected from me. He sits in the couch until he falls asleep then wakes up and goes to bed and the cycle begins again. At least 3 nights a week he doesn't get home until 8:30 the earliest.
I do all household chores. Dinner laundry cleaning etc. he doesn't do his things like bills, pool care, yard maintenance, appliance repair upkeep etc. he waits until these things are beyond repair and then complains about poor quality. When bills are late he complains when collectors call. Everything is someone else's problem. I will bring something to his attention and he dismisses it. If I bring it up more than once I am a nag. For years I let this behavior continue. Honestly in retrospect I have no good answer as to why.
I told him I resent him going out as much as he does and want some help around the house before it is either taken away or falls down. There is NO REASON for accounts to be behind and house to be falling down around us. A simple thing becomes a major problem because of lack of concern.
I started going to counseling. Was correctly advised(imo) to give husband deadlines that were workable and when that time passed hire someone. Oh I forgot to mention. He will NEVER hire anyone to do anything. They are all crooks! I spoke to husband he agreed! I also told him that when a bill collector had to call us for a payment i was going to pay it right then. He agreed!! Okay I am happy and we are on the right track. I told him that with the amount of time he is actually home it was impossible to do everything. He agreed.
Okay2 appliance deadlines passed -by weeks not days. I called a repairman. He went ballistic and canceled it. Gave Himself a new deadline. Passed weeks ago. He is attacking me saying I am demanding. Bill collectors called. I knew we had the money, I checked it first and paid. He went beyond ballistic.
I could go on and on but I am so physically ill that I have been sent home from work twice. I have serious stomach issues daily. I seriously feel like I am losing my mind. I have never been so sick in My life. I have told him actions speak louder than words and his response is that I am never happy. If you told me a year ago I would be in this situation I would never have believed it.
After 20+ years of marriage I really thought this was going to start to be a new awesome chapter in our lives. I don't really know what else to say but I don't know if I can see us together in a years time. I can't live like this. I am sure I am leaving things out but this is long enough!!!
get all your financial information in order and see a lawyer to understand your options and the debt. this will help you navigate going forth. are you sure he is not socking away money? sounds like he has been having an affair for years. Maybe his plan is to make the house a huge debt and then saddle you with it, or something to that effect.
And, pull credit reports on both of you. this could provide lots of information, including cards you do not know about, debt that is in your name, etc.
after that:if you do not separate right away (and it may not be best, for a lot of reasons)
take over all finances and bill paying. Consolidate debt if it is joint and you're paying high interest rates. Or separate debt to the extent possible, but get the financials under control. Figure out what your budget is, and where its going.. what are your large balances? a mortgage? credit card? cards? car payments, etc? Let us help you figure out how to deal with it.
Are you tracking cash expenses?
as far as interactions:
as long as you have the $, do not ask for permission to hire someone to fix things. Just do it and walk away.
do not ask for permission to hire a cleaning lady. Just do it, biweekly or monthly.
Make sure you are tracking his expenditures (cash withdrawals and credit card) to understand where $$ is going. If I were you, I would cancel joint credit cards, at this point.
stop doing his laundry and cooking. I would be neutral but firm. "As you have chosen to stay out late and neglect your obligations, I see no reason why I should continue to cook and clean for you."
Take care of your oldest child. Its a very stressful time for him/her. Try not to fight or demand that your husband be home, do his share, etc. Disengage emotionally from him.
you might want to figure out whether you need proof that he is having an affair, and what you might do with that information. talk with your therapist, but going out with his secretary most nights, coming home late 'disengaged' and fighting with you over money and not sustaining his role in any way in the family all point to him being completely removed from your marriage and home life.
Its possible that his midlife crisis will pass and he will return to his senses, but as long as you enable his behavior, or even tolerate it with complaining, it will not happen. And, if the affair has been years, then I would say there is no real marriage to return to.
Anonymous
09/21/2014 13:44
Subject: Re:I don't know whether to give up on this marriage.
We have a low 6 figure income. He makes more than double what I earn.
He NEVER pays anything on time, so when I finally looked at our financials, we are probably paying double the amount because of interest and late charges. Why? Pure laziness. Why didn't I look at this sooner? Pure ignorance . Clearly a very bad mistake. I hope at least others who NEVER questioned finances wil take a look at them now.
Everything you are saying is making me stronger and helping me to be stronger and make this break.
I know it isn't going to be easy, and I know once I do this I hope I will say: why didn't I do this sooner?
He will never fire his secretary- she came with him from his previous job.
after you see a lawyer, get a rec from lawyer or elsewhere on a financial planner who can help you navigate debt and reduce the high interest rate debts that you are carrying.
definitely try to start dealing with the financials--are the bills in joint names? If possible, i would open a credit card account, keep a low balance and pay off on time to try to establish good credit for yourself.
the fact that the secretary followed him and they go out 3-5 times a week? I'm sorry, but this is an affair.
Anonymous
09/21/2014 13:36
Subject: I don't know whether to give up on this marriage.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Stay put and plan and prepare. You don't just jump up and leave. Lay low, keep quiet, take care of yourself and your teen still at home. Let them get through the school year without upheavals.
Meanwhile, if your husband won't handle the finances and bills, you do it. Even if you're already doing everything. There's no rule that men have to be the ones to do the finances. You need to take control over the finances anyway.
Think of everything with an eye to being on your own. Get the house in good repair now, while you have combined income. Get your debts organized with an eye to how they will be handled when you split. Seems like consulting a lawyer would be good for planning.
If your credit is shot, and you don't make much, you will not be able to rent an apartment yourself. So plan accordingly and don't jump the gun.
+1
Don't tell him anything, think and plan.
+1000 He has mentally checked out of the marriage and now, you need to do so as well. Focus on you and your future. Build up whatever savings you can in your own name and don't worry about the bills in his name only (unless you are legally responsible for them in your state). Don't wait for him to come home and schedule your time with a focus on you and your children, not worrying about whether or not he will be present. Don't expect him to do anything, as you'll just be setting yourself disappointment. Set a target date and leave. Good luck OP. I'm sorry you have to go through this.
Anonymous
09/21/2014 13:19
Subject: Re:I don't know whether to give up on this marriage.
It looks like your husband have been having an affair for years but is putting less and less effort into marriage pretense because your kids are almost out of your home. Perhaps his "secretary" is pressuring him to leave you now that he no more has kids as an excuse.
Anonymous
09/21/2014 12:41
Subject: I don't know whether to give up on this marriage.
Anonymous wrote:Stay put and plan and prepare. You don't just jump up and leave. Lay low, keep quiet, take care of yourself and your teen still at home. Let them get through the school year without upheavals.
Meanwhile, if your husband won't handle the finances and bills, you do it. Even if you're already doing everything. There's no rule that men have to be the ones to do the finances. You need to take control over the finances anyway.
Think of everything with an eye to being on your own. Get the house in good repair now, while you have combined income. Get your debts organized with an eye to how they will be handled when you split. Seems like consulting a lawyer would be good for planning.
If your credit is shot, and you don't make much, you will not be able to rent an apartment yourself. So plan accordingly and don't jump the gun.
+1
Don't tell him anything, think and plan.
Anonymous
09/21/2014 12:21
Subject: I don't know whether to give up on this marriage.
It sounds to me like suddenly your husband has decided to live a second childhood in a way. In other words, simply absolve himself from any real adult responsibility in life. Whether or not this is truly a mid-life crisis is up for anyone's interpretation.
He is acting not only immature, but truly irresponsible, inconsiderate as well as ungrateful + selfish. He needs to start manning up and doing what needs to be done to keep things running smoothly and to stop causing you so much undue stress. As you can see, stress can be very detrimental to one's physical health and it is so unfair that you are suffering so much due to his immature ways.
Let him know in no uncertain terms that from today and ahead he is to hold up his end of the responsibilities of the house. You simply cannot endure anymore of this stress and if he decides to continue to play, then you will leave.
Honestly OP, you can do much better by yourself because at least that way you will no longer have to deal w/HIM. Because HE is the true and main source of your woes here.
(((((( Hugs ))))))
He is acting not only immature, but truly irresponsible, inconsiderate as well as ungrateful + selfish. He needs to start manning up and doing what needs to be done to keep things running smoothly and to stop causing you so much undue stress. As you can see, stress can be very detrimental to one's physical health and it is so unfair that you are suffering so much due to his immature ways.
Let him know in no uncertain terms that from today and ahead he is to hold up his end of the responsibilities of the house. You simply cannot endure anymore of this stress and if he decides to continue to play, then you will leave.
Honestly OP, you can do much better by yourself because at least that way you will no longer have to deal w/HIM. Because HE is the true and main source of your woes here.
(((((( Hugs ))))))
Anonymous
09/21/2014 12:12
Subject: I don't know whether to give up on this marriage.
You need to take over bill paying now. That affects your credit.
Anonymous
09/21/2014 12:05
Subject: I don't know whether to give up on this marriage.
Anonymous wrote:I think it's time to take "For better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part" out of the vows altogether because nowadays it amounts to mere lip service in the fervor of the moment and little else.
I don't know whether people are more delusional from too many Disney movies or more impatient because of the fast-paced environment of instant gratification or if people are just more self-serving now than in times past, but for whatever reason the absurd expectation of "happily ever after" with no problems or obstacles in life once married is erroneously embedded in people's brains and it's wreaking havoc on relationships.
I agree. I do think we should take it out of the vows. It's bullshit. Why say with someone when they change into some unreasonable, cheating, unhelping person and are unwilling to compromise.
I would not expect my husband to stay with me if I stopped helping, going out drinking with a male coworker and sleeping nonstop and was unwilling to change. How long should OP go on being unhappy?
Anonymous
09/21/2014 11:58
Subject: I don't know whether to give up on this marriage.
Stay put and plan and prepare. You don't just jump up and leave. Lay low, keep quiet, take care of yourself and your teen still at home. Let them get through the school year without upheavals.
Meanwhile, if your husband won't handle the finances and bills, you do it. Even if you're already doing everything. There's no rule that men have to be the ones to do the finances. You need to take control over the finances anyway.
Think of everything with an eye to being on your own. Get the house in good repair now, while you have combined income. Get your debts organized with an eye to how they will be handled when you split. Seems like consulting a lawyer would be good for planning.
If your credit is shot, and you don't make much, you will not be able to rent an apartment yourself. So plan accordingly and don't jump the gun.
Meanwhile, if your husband won't handle the finances and bills, you do it. Even if you're already doing everything. There's no rule that men have to be the ones to do the finances. You need to take control over the finances anyway.
Think of everything with an eye to being on your own. Get the house in good repair now, while you have combined income. Get your debts organized with an eye to how they will be handled when you split. Seems like consulting a lawyer would be good for planning.
If your credit is shot, and you don't make much, you will not be able to rent an apartment yourself. So plan accordingly and don't jump the gun.
Anonymous
09/21/2014 11:01
Subject: I don't know whether to give up on this marriage.
I also feel terrible for my child still at home. This is final year at school and dc trying to maintain top grades to apply to university. I feel that this additional stress will not be helpful.
I get that this is stressful too, but I think it will get worse before it gets better if I leave right now.
I get that this is stressful too, but I think it will get worse before it gets better if I leave right now.
Anonymous
09/21/2014 10:57
Subject: I don't know whether to give up on this marriage.
We have a low 6 figure income. He makes more than double what I earn.
He NEVER pays anything on time, so when I finally looked at our financials, we are probably paying double the amount because of interest and late charges. Why? Pure laziness. Why didn't I look at this sooner? Pure ignorance . Clearly a very bad mistake. I hope at least others who NEVER questioned finances wil take a look at them now.
Everything you are saying is making me stronger and helping me to be stronger and make this break.
I know it isn't going to be easy, and I know once I do this I hope I will say: why didn't I do this sooner?
He will never fire his secretary- she came with him from his previous job.
He NEVER pays anything on time, so when I finally looked at our financials, we are probably paying double the amount because of interest and late charges. Why? Pure laziness. Why didn't I look at this sooner? Pure ignorance . Clearly a very bad mistake. I hope at least others who NEVER questioned finances wil take a look at them now.
Everything you are saying is making me stronger and helping me to be stronger and make this break.
I know it isn't going to be easy, and I know once I do this I hope I will say: why didn't I do this sooner?
He will never fire his secretary- she came with him from his previous job.