Anonymous
09/16/2014 16:40
Subject: Need advise on how to deal with in-laws! Please help!
Anonymous wrote:I'm still confused, OP. Did they move here? Or do they live farther away?
Thoughts based on all I've read so far:
1) Change your locks. Absolutely. If they ask why, simply say, "We needed to change the locks." No other explanation.
2) Everyone says this is your DH's job. Well, it's clear your DH needs some major therapy in order to deal with his controlling parents and his lack of protection of his own family's best interest. And I don't know if he's willing to do that and who knows how long it will take. So counting on your DH now is out.
3) You have to step up and set boundaries. Yes, they may hate you, at least temporarily. Is it worth it to you to protect this precious, irreplaceable time with your child? I think it is.
I faced a similar dilemma with my MIL who lives 10 miles away after our baby was born. I had only 10 weeks' maternity leave and she wanted to come up every day and "help", which to her meant hold the baby. I had no interest in her holding the baby for two reasons -- one, **I** wanted to hold the baby, and two, she is a chain smoker and he was a preemie, and I didn't want his lungs exposed to her pollution. But she does love her grandchild, I know that; I just didn't want the stress of her there every day and of me having to constantly fight the battle of not having her hold the baby with all of the smoke chemicals on her. The strain of it was really ruining my leave.
Ideally, DH would have had a kind talk with her and would have invited her to visit say, one afternoon a week on the weekends when he was home. But she is retired and he just didn't want to hurt her feelings by telling her she couldn't come and hang out with me all day every day and keep trying to take the baby from me. I am still mad that DH's concern for his mother's feelings trumped mine and trumped our baby's health, but he's got a lot of shit to deal with from childhood and I didn't have time for him to get his shit straight before my maternity leave was over.
So I had to bite the bullet and tell her that it would not work for me to have her come, and that holding the baby was not helping me at all; it was actually hurting my ability to pump milk if she was holding him because I was so anxious about what he was breathing the whole time. I told her she was welcome to come on the weekends as long as she did not smoke beforehand and wore fresh clothing.
I know she is angry and has very, very negative feelings toward me now, a year later. But it's worth it. I had a much, much more peaceful enjoyable few weeks for the rest of my maternity leave, time I will never ever be able to get back. If your DH won't stand up for your family, you must.
PP, I applaud you for standing up to your MIL and doing what was best for you and your baby. Way to go. I'm sure if your kid ever hears this story he/she will feel loved and protected by you.
Anonymous
09/16/2014 13:45
Subject: Need advise on how to deal with in-laws! Please help!
I'm still confused, OP. Did they move here? Or do they live farther away?
Thoughts based on all I've read so far:
1) Change your locks. Absolutely. If they ask why, simply say, "We needed to change the locks." No other explanation.
2) Everyone says this is your DH's job. Well, it's clear your DH needs some major therapy in order to deal with his controlling parents and his lack of protection of his own family's best interest. And I don't know if he's willing to do that and who knows how long it will take. So counting on your DH now is out.
3) You have to step up and set boundaries. Yes, they may hate you, at least temporarily. Is it worth it to you to protect this precious, irreplaceable time with your child? I think it is.
I faced a similar dilemma with my MIL who lives 10 miles away after our baby was born. I had only 10 weeks' maternity leave and she wanted to come up every day and "help", which to her meant hold the baby. I had no interest in her holding the baby for two reasons -- one, **I** wanted to hold the baby, and two, she is a chain smoker and he was a preemie, and I didn't want his lungs exposed to her pollution. But she does love her grandchild, I know that; I just didn't want the stress of her there every day and of me having to constantly fight the battle of not having her hold the baby with all of the smoke chemicals on her. The strain of it was really ruining my leave.
Ideally, DH would have had a kind talk with her and would have invited her to visit say, one afternoon a week on the weekends when he was home. But she is retired and he just didn't want to hurt her feelings by telling her she couldn't come and hang out with me all day every day and keep trying to take the baby from me. I am still mad that DH's concern for his mother's feelings trumped mine and trumped our baby's health, but he's got a lot of shit to deal with from childhood and I didn't have time for him to get his shit straight before my maternity leave was over.
So I had to bite the bullet and tell her that it would not work for me to have her come, and that holding the baby was not helping me at all; it was actually hurting my ability to pump milk if she was holding him because I was so anxious about what he was breathing the whole time. I told her she was welcome to come on the weekends as long as she did not smoke beforehand and wore fresh clothing.
I know she is angry and has very, very negative feelings toward me now, a year later. But it's worth it. I had a much, much more peaceful enjoyable few weeks for the rest of my maternity leave, time I will never ever be able to get back. If your DH won't stand up for your family, you must.
Thoughts based on all I've read so far:
1) Change your locks. Absolutely. If they ask why, simply say, "We needed to change the locks." No other explanation.
2) Everyone says this is your DH's job. Well, it's clear your DH needs some major therapy in order to deal with his controlling parents and his lack of protection of his own family's best interest. And I don't know if he's willing to do that and who knows how long it will take. So counting on your DH now is out.
3) You have to step up and set boundaries. Yes, they may hate you, at least temporarily. Is it worth it to you to protect this precious, irreplaceable time with your child? I think it is.
I faced a similar dilemma with my MIL who lives 10 miles away after our baby was born. I had only 10 weeks' maternity leave and she wanted to come up every day and "help", which to her meant hold the baby. I had no interest in her holding the baby for two reasons -- one, **I** wanted to hold the baby, and two, she is a chain smoker and he was a preemie, and I didn't want his lungs exposed to her pollution. But she does love her grandchild, I know that; I just didn't want the stress of her there every day and of me having to constantly fight the battle of not having her hold the baby with all of the smoke chemicals on her. The strain of it was really ruining my leave.
Ideally, DH would have had a kind talk with her and would have invited her to visit say, one afternoon a week on the weekends when he was home. But she is retired and he just didn't want to hurt her feelings by telling her she couldn't come and hang out with me all day every day and keep trying to take the baby from me. I am still mad that DH's concern for his mother's feelings trumped mine and trumped our baby's health, but he's got a lot of shit to deal with from childhood and I didn't have time for him to get his shit straight before my maternity leave was over.
So I had to bite the bullet and tell her that it would not work for me to have her come, and that holding the baby was not helping me at all; it was actually hurting my ability to pump milk if she was holding him because I was so anxious about what he was breathing the whole time. I told her she was welcome to come on the weekends as long as she did not smoke beforehand and wore fresh clothing.
I know she is angry and has very, very negative feelings toward me now, a year later. But it's worth it. I had a much, much more peaceful enjoyable few weeks for the rest of my maternity leave, time I will never ever be able to get back. If your DH won't stand up for your family, you must.
Anonymous
09/15/2014 16:23
Subject: Need advise on how to deal with in-laws! Please help!
Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for all the feedback and support, really. After feeling awful for these past 3-4 months because of this situation I have decided to ignore them. Plain and simple. I will travel south to spend thxgiving with them and to present baby to their friends, but i will tell them not to come for xmas or any week of xmas, i just want to wnjoy my time off with baby and get readyfor the holidays with my family- since I'll already spend thxgiving with them. If theybinsist to come for halloween I guess there's not much I can do, i'll just make sure to move on with my plans to spend time with friends as much as possible that weekend. They are non-sense people, but at the same time they are my DH's parents and I know DH is suffering with this aituation. The best part is, they are total control freaks and I will make sure to keep them in the dark as much as possible and feed them no info at all- this will drive them nuts! Maybe then they'll back off and give us the space and peace we so much need and want!
you need to get more assertive, asap.
Anonymous
09/15/2014 15:49
Subject: Need advise on how to deal with in-laws! Please help!
OP here. Thanks for all the feedback and support, really. After feeling awful for these past 3-4 months because of this situation I have decided to ignore them. Plain and simple. I will travel south to spend thxgiving with them and to present baby to their friends, but i will tell them not to come for xmas or any week of xmas, i just want to wnjoy my time off with baby and get readyfor the holidays with my family- since I'll already spend thxgiving with them. If theybinsist to come for halloween I guess there's not much I can do, i'll just make sure to move on with my plans to spend time with friends as much as possible that weekend. They are non-sense people, but at the same time they are my DH's parents and I know DH is suffering with this aituation. The best part is, they are total control freaks and I will make sure to keep them in the dark as much as possible and feed them no info at all- this will drive them nuts! Maybe then they'll back off and give us the space and peace we so much need and want!
Anonymous
09/15/2014 15:11
Subject: Need advise on how to deal with in-laws! Please help!
I think the the idea of planning the Thanksgiving holiday at their new place would be excellent, and you could truthfully say you are just too exhausted with the new baby to do so. But you would be glad to bring a dish.
Your folks must come from aboard and stay in your home so that is different. And DH can note that to his folks that they just naturally will see much more of the grandchild.
Since it is stressful with your ILs not respecting your wish to speak to your baby in your language with your folks there, too, it is best to keep them apart.
It might make the transition a bit easier on the ILs if you did just use English at times when it is just the four of you together with the baby. It is not the end of the world, and it might be a nice concession to them, too.
Whether it is you or DH, you are going to need to establish boundaries AND to also recognize that you will then not be able to back track and necessarily request their child care help should you decide to return to work.
Anonymous
09/15/2014 14:14
Subject: Re:Need advise on how to deal with in-laws! Please help!
I can relate lots from your post. OP, depend on which culture your DH is from, you may need to deal with differently.
I feel like your ILs is jealous with your parents because your parents stay with you and baby. About different languages, if you already do the translation while they are they, there is not much you can do about it. If they don't understand, ignore it that complain (if you can)
About offering help, don't think about it. You probably don't want it anyway.
Having new born is difficult physically and mentally. You shouldn't have to deal with these so try ease it out. Pick out the one that you can't accept it at all and deal with it first.
I don't really have an advice for you as I am still trying to fix my own (lol) but good luck. If you have ever solved it, please post the result. I would love to learn from you.
I feel like your ILs is jealous with your parents because your parents stay with you and baby. About different languages, if you already do the translation while they are they, there is not much you can do about it. If they don't understand, ignore it that complain (if you can)
About offering help, don't think about it. You probably don't want it anyway.
Having new born is difficult physically and mentally. You shouldn't have to deal with these so try ease it out. Pick out the one that you can't accept it at all and deal with it first.
I don't really have an advice for you as I am still trying to fix my own (lol) but good luck. If you have ever solved it, please post the result. I would love to learn from you.