$300/month (if that is true) obviously is a problem. I'm a user and I spend about $10 per month, maybe $20.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, really, Al-anon will help me? Do I put myself through the cruelty he will treat me with if I say I am going to al-anon meetings? Because I dont think I can handle that, yet I also dont feel I should have to lie.

Just say you're going shopping or to meet a friend, why would you have to tell him?

Because I dont go shopping and come home with nothing and I dont meet a "friend" that isnt someone we both are friends with. Im not going to involve anyone in a coverup. I will probably say I am seeing a therapist.

Anonymous wrote:So, really, Al-anon will help me? Do I put myself through the cruelty he will treat me with if I say I am going to al-anon meetings? Because I dont think I can handle that, yet I also dont feel I should have to lie.

Just say you're going shopping or to meet a friend, why would you have to tell him?

Anonymous wrote:OP, you want him to change. He's not going to. Take the energy you're putting into researching arguments for his moderation and put it towards your plan to become independent. I'm sorry. Good luck.

Of course I want him to. But I know I cant make him. Ive known that for a while. However, this recent turn of him putting energy into arguments for ME NEEDING TO CHANGE by becoming more "accepting" of "who he is" has prompted me to want to have at least some proper comeback. Besides "There is no point in discussing this any more" which is where I am now.

Today I asked him if HE thought he was an addict. I asked this calmly and there was no drama. He said "By what definition?" I said, "Well, you define it for me. Just answer the question based on your definition" and he said "Well, if you define addiction according to how bad it would be to stop completely, then it would be bad for me to stop completely". Interesting response. Whatever.

His latest thing is to draw comparisons between my drinking wine and his smoking weed. Yeah, the constant attention I pay to making sure I dont exceed the healthful average of a glass a day, researching stats on breast cancer and alchohol, blood pressure and alcohol, talking to my doctors about alcohol, all that is really is equal to toking up througout every day just to get through it. Hmm.

So, yes, the picture of his alternate universe is now complete to me.

Now, all I am asking is about al-anon that people keep saying I should go to. I want to know what posters believe I can achieve with al anon based on experience.

OP, you want him to change. He's not going to. Take the energy you're putting into researching arguments for his moderation and put it towards your plan to become independent. I'm sorry. Good luck.

So, really, Al-anon will help me? Do I put myself through the cruelty he will treat me with if I say I am going to al-anon meetings? Because I dont think I can handle that, yet I also dont feel I should have to lie.

Anonymous wrote:OP, relationships with addicts never work unless you enable the addiction. Are you sure it's just weed? Marijuana's a gateway drug to much more serious stuff.

Im not even sure what "enabling the addiction" even means anymore. I was deceived, and once I figure out I had been deceived, then I knew. And now I am on his shit list for not "accepting" he is a user, becuase, you see, that is the actual problem here, apparently. My lack of "acceptance" of "who he is".

He has had a history with other drugs in the past (before we dated). I dont believe he is using other drugs. I do know the symptoms of other drugs. But, after a certain amount of being lied to, anything is at least a theoretical future possibility.

He is also on antidepressants. He has a xanax script but he never takes it unless he gets severe muscle pain from whatever is causing that. I cant even remember the last time he took it. He has not ever refilled the original script for a few pills.

He seems to be a weed only kind of guy.

Today I turned a corner. He casually revealed to me that the period of time he was away on a work contract where he would have lost his job had he been caught with weed, the one where he told me he would not smoke, and confirmed he did not, he actually did. When I was shocked at this revelation he cruelly said I "should have known" and the problem is "I dont accept him for who he is" and he lies to me because I "act like something is a big deal that MOST PEOPLE would not think is a big deal".

So, in his alternate univere, the explicit language of the contract of this facility which stated very clearly the dire consequences to anyone caught even under the influence while there, is something MOST PEOPLE would not think is a big deal.

He has started to treat me like non user and therefore against him and who he is. Im pretty much resolved that he is lost to me. I explained that blaming me for his lying to me is sick and cruel. But, that is just "insulting" him.

I really want to know if al-anon will help me not be devastated anymore, help me not feel so betrayed, help me find a way to love him without anger. I just have a hard time seeing how this is possible.

I would have left long ago if I could have. This is just not something I can do and so I need to make this work as best I can for the sake of our child and our financial future.

Im grimly resolved to living with an addict who has alienated himself from me and runined everything about our relationship that was beautiful. And we really did have something. I am very very sad.

OP, you have a comma addiction.

One other thing, many drug addicts like this self medicate for mental illness -

Or he's just a dick.

Non user, married to a casual user.

Your husband is am addict. He has a problem.

If this was alcohol vs. pot, he'd be an alcoholic. He needs help, period.

I just wanted to show him an actual definition of moderate from an actual moderate user. As opposed to MY definition which he invalidates for all kinds of reasons, but especially because I am not a user. For the purpose of merely demonstrating that moderate is moderate as defined by actual users.

OP, there is nothing you can show him that will cause him to turn around and see your point. Nothing. I'm the "struck by how much you're qualifying" poster, and you're still doing it here. You can't argue, reason, or justify an addict out of their addiction. Reading your post about continuing to talk to your DD about this when she's 12 or 13 makes me sad for you. These years are going to slip away before you know it. I sincerely hope for change and a good outcome for your family. But as a physician, I have something of a dismal outlook on addiction, and in cases where the user doesn't see it, it literally sucks families dry. I see it daily. It's heartbreaking. I think you probably need to go to Al-Anon. I say this kindly. Good luck.

The anger is from the anxiety. He needs to get the proper medication for his anxiety and he'll be less angry and need to be stoned less.

OP, relationships with addicts never work unless you enable the addiction. Are you sure it's just weed? Marijuana's a gateway drug to much more serious stuff.

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm your daughter in this situation...my mom doesn't smoke and my dad is an avid smoker. They've had issues forever about it. Here's how it's turned out- I have lost respect for both my parents (my dad for never getting help and ignoring the problem and my mom for putting up/ignoring the problem), my dad is only nice when stoned, hates traveling to see his kids and grandkids unless he knows pot can be arranged, oh and my mom is a raging bitch because she is so resentful and angry.

So, yes, you can make the whole user/non-user relationship work (almost 40 years) but think about the ramifications carefully.

I don't think showing him how people who don't have addictive personalities can be successful with only smoking weekly/occasionally. You seem to understand he is an addict but seem to also think you can get him to become less frequent. Addicts don't do moderation. But, honestly, good luck!

No, I _know_ that _I cant_ get him to be more moderate. I just wanted to show him an actual definition of moderate from an actual moderate user. As opposed to MY definition which he invalidates for all kinds of reasons, but especially because I am not a user. For the purpose of merely demonstrating that moderate is moderate as defined by actual users.

The one thing I have going for me is that my daughter and I talk very honestly with each other about DH's other issues, such as the anger. It was a tough decision, but important because I wanted her to understand that what was happening was not acceptable and to know that strategies are being implemented to help with his anger (his non weed meds and his own attempts to be more level). He has made a lot of progress, actually. BUt when he gets stressed out, he hits the weed. And gets very righteous about it- that is relatively new and disheartening.

If this continues and we are still together I will probably reveal it to her when she is old enough. She is now 8. Im thinking 12 or 13. But we will see. I may not have an opportunity to tell her before he exposes it and pushes the issue. She is very smart and mature- she knows a load of bull when she sees it. We' ve already discussed illegal drugs a bit. She will know more as years pass and we have more discussion. But, I have to give DH the benefit of the doubt now because she is so young and he needs a chance to come to terms with what he is actually doing. He may or may not. But I dont have the means to leave yet, so until then, I need to come up with a way of living with him in the state he is in as opposed to the state he ought to be in.

Thanks for sharing this personal story, I really appreciate it. Dont fault your mom too much for "putting up" with it. I dont think that is what she actually did- its pretty easy to not do this thing right. We also know so much more now about addiction. I doubt she had that benefit.

*how to make your DH's behavior work.