Here is some info on making a safety plan: http://jwi.org/page.aspx?pid=711

There's some other useful into there too. Wishing you strength and a brighter future, OP; I'm rooting for you and your kids.

OP,
You must speak to an attorney. Your line about him finding you and the kids ... you can't just disappear and go into hiding with the children. Even with domestic violence, he's going to have visitation rights, and probably shared custody. He'll probably have to do anger management classes and both of you parenting classes. Educate yourself. So please, speak with an attorney and see what makes sense legally about leaving. This is a dangerous, volatile situation. Good luck to you.
Also, besides the broken hand, I'm guessing no other domestic violence was documented with medical visits or police calls/visits, correct? He could deny all.

I'm sorry OP - I'm sorry you're going through this terrible situation. How scary to stay with an abuser and how scary to leave. I know it's hard- if you stay it will get worse- if you go, eventually things will be better.
It's so easy for us, looking in, to say "leave." I absolutely believe that leaving is the right thing in this situation, but I know it cannot be easy.

everyone is telling you to leave...it sounds awful, I have to agree. I usually only say this on DCUM if physical abuse happens, so there you go.

But please also reassure your daughter that you love her- I'm sure hearing your DH say that was incredibly scary and confusing..

I'd say that for the sake of your family, both sides need to cool off.

Whether that means seek professional counseling for anger issues or take a break from each other, SOMETHING must be done here because I can just sense something brewing here and if not tended to immediately, will explode very soon and sadly the scars will be worn by your children for a very long time.

I strongly suggest you and him make a pact to resolve your anger issues + deal w/them NOW. ASAP.

For the sake of those precious children.....

I don't know where you are, but here's the website for the Montgomery county Family Justice center.
http://www.montgomerycountymd.gov/fjc/

I can pretty much guarantee that things will only get worse. I am afraid for your children.

OP get out get out get out get out. I'm so sorry but people that abusive only ramp it up. Please don't be another statistic of a woman killed by her abusive partner. Sometimes the guy kills the kids too.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A point of perspective: there are men who wouldnt hit a woman or lash out at one, even if she was hitting HIM. Noone should hit anyone. Im just saying, control is control. Normal is normal. Abusive is abusive.

Noone can make you punch them in the leg. You choose to do it. Unless of course, you have no control. In which case YOU have a problem.

Normal people also don't kick their spouse under the guise of needing to pick something up. You guys know that she kicked her husband's leg on purpose, right? Of course she deserved being hit in the leg but he didn't deserve being kicked in the leg either. They are both abusive.

WHOAH, PP. OP here. I absolutely DID NOT kick my spouse. That would be crazy, especially to a man with his temper. I reached past him for our 2yo, his leg was between us, and I pushed on him slightly as I picked her up.

Anonymous wrote:A point of perspective: there are men who wouldnt hit a woman or lash out at one, even if she was hitting HIM. Noone should hit anyone. Im just saying, control is control. Normal is normal. Abusive is abusive.

Noone can make you punch them in the leg. You choose to do it. Unless of course, you have no control. In which case YOU have a problem.

Normal people also don't kick their spouse under the guise of needing to pick something up. You guys know that she kicked her husband's leg on purpose, right? Of course she deserved being hit in the leg but he didn't deserve being kicked in the leg either. They are both abusive.

A point of perspective: there are men who wouldnt hit a woman or lash out at one, even if she was hitting HIM. Noone should hit anyone. Im just saying, control is control. Normal is normal. Abusive is abusive.

Noone can make you punch them in the leg. You choose to do it. Unless of course, you have no control. In which case YOU have a problem.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Obviously he's abusive but it sounds like she is too. She admitted that she was pissed at him and kicked (pushed) his leg out of her way. She did not accidently bump into him. I think you guys need to divorce and OP needs to get into therapy.

Knowing his temper did she really not expect a reaction from that?

If you have ever lived with anyone with a temper, you know its random. And you get tired of always having to be extra careful and tip toeing on eggshells 24/7. A normal person should be able to handle the above brush by. His response was not only not normal, but there is no "norm" or "expectation" for a person with this pattern.

This is why its unworkable. OP could be on her best beahvior 24/7 and it would never be good enough to prevent an explosion.

Anonymous wrote:Obviously he's abusive but it sounds like she is too. She admitted that she was pissed at him and kicked (pushed) his leg out of her way. She did not accidently bump into him. I think you guys need to divorce and OP needs to get into therapy.

Knowing his temper did she really not expect a reaction from that?

So so sorry, OP. Ive had things close to this, but not quite this. Emotional abuse, toxic things said, screaming at me at close range getting in my face. I had to navigate the incredibly difficult terrain of being completely financially dependent on someone who had somehow lost his mind.

I dont know if this helps, but had he ever struck me like that, it would have been the end. And I say that from experiencing things that would scare most reasonable people if they knew of it.

In our case, DH is unbelievably better after being treated for depression. Still far from what would be best, but gone are the rages and the emotional abuse from which I am still recovering.

However, he would not have gotten that chance had he struck me. I am sure you must be very scared at the scope of reality you are confronting. Understand this: You are SEEING things as they are. You probably have been waiting for a sign that there is hope or no hope.

I think the best answer is that the combination of his actions, his completely airtight conviction that you pushed him to it, and his willingness to blame you to your child indicates that right now there is absolutely nothing reasonable to work with at all. This is toxic and will not change. I think you know that, but also know that you dont need to have all the answers right now. You just need to know what you know now: this is not going to work, and you will need to leave.

As to what the future holds beyond that, it is up in the air. However, I think, from what I have read, it appears that the actual striking of a spouse is just crossing the line. I do understand why you gave the detail you did- context of it scenario. My heart really goes out to you, in fact I am fighting back tears because that could have been me. And I am one strong person, but it would have scared me terribly. Not just for the action and for the state of the marriage, but the knee weakening prospect of just how far gone my husband was at that point.

I think he could have gotten to that point. He went pretty far downhill.

OP, do you have resources? Do you have a place you can go for at least a few weeks? THats what I would be looking at if I were in your situation. ITs not a long term solution but you need to get away and give him time to see his actions in the context of you not being around to blame and see what happens next. What he comes up with in his own head in your absence, and what he communicates to you in that contexts are currently probably not even possible to speculate on, from what it sounds like to me.

I think that is the next first step.

OP, (((big hug)))) here, I am devastated to read this. But you have your head on straight. THat will save you and your children.

Obviously he's abusive but it sounds like she is too. She admitted that she was pissed at him and kicked (pushed) his leg out of her way. She did not accidently bump into him. I think you guys need to divorce and OP needs to get into therapy.

Anonymous wrote:Your husband sounds like he is out-of-control and is becoming abusive.

There's no becoming about it. Sounds like he is and has been abusive for some time.