if you look at porn on your tablet are you worried it's being tracked somehow?

I like 22:11's response, but I'll add another possible suggestion. I'm a DW who finds it difficult to mentally transition to sex, which made me dread having all that awkward contact when I wasn't mentally there. So DH and I spend a few minutes apart from each other to get in the zone. I put on some lingerie and heels and look at a bit of porn on my tablet, while he's doing whatever he needs to in another room, so when I tell him I'm ready and he comes at me raring to go, it's on. No more awkwardness. Maybe you could tell her you read that that helps some women and see if she'd be open to it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your kids stay up way too late for 8 and 9 year olds. Putting them to bed earlier might help all of you.

Seriously? We've historically been among the most diligent about bedtimes for our kids over the years. At 8 & 9, we start bed time at 8 - they're in jammies, teeth brushed and a little reading by the parents is usually finished by about 8:30-8:45. Then they read on their own for a little while. They get up about 7 for 9 or 9.5 hours of sleep.

In terms of how it applies to the sex rules, my wife has to have a high level of confidence they won't interrupt. For me, I'd say lock the door and let 'em knock until we're done.

Seriously. You aren't very diligent at all. My kids head up at 7:45, teeth brushed, pajamas on by 8. Reading - with parents and solo - for half an hour, and lights out at 8:30. They also get up about 7.

Elementary school children should be getting 10-11 hours of sleep per night, according to the National Sleep Foundation.

You're avoiding the sex issue by debating the kids' sleep time? Sounds like you just wanted to judge OP without adding anything useful. Seems like you're obviously in OP's wife's situation.

I'm not avoiding it at all. He says the kids go to bed at 9:30 - and so does his wife. I am trying to find him hours in the day where they can actually spend time together.

FWIW, I am not at all in his wife's situation, but then, my DH and I have some time together in the evenings after the kids are asleep. And yes, we have sex then.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Schedule sex every Monday and Thursday. Done.

Twice in one week?! And, and, what if she's having her period?! Even if there are guests? What if she feels bloated? What if one of the kids can't sleep? And the pressure of scheduled sex will be such a turn off. What if she falls asleep on the couch first - won't she have trouble getting back to sleep if we have sex. And, and, and...

It's as if you don't give a shit about THE RULES.

I'm a wife who isn't really in the mood under most of the conditions you've listed as rules, and yeah, being woken up for sex sucks when you've got kids and have to get up for work in the morning. So, from the perspective of some one who sees where she's coming from, but also sympathizes with you because it also sucks to just not have sex for extended periods of time - I vote for scheduled sex. You can coordinate to get the kids to bed exactly on time, have that be your take-out night of the week so there's less clean up to do after dinner, hop in the shower, and enjoy your sexy time before it starts eating into your REM cycles.

I don't think scheduled sex is unsexy - you can still have spontaneous sex when you feel like it, it's just that the designated days are the guaranteed minimum and you can plan on having those be more "ideal" rather than rushed quickies. Also, all the prep you end up doing that night to make it happen makes it feel like dating again. And knowing it's your night, there's flirting, extra light caresses as you pass by during the evening routine. It's hot, if you let it be. The best turn on is having sex - having it makes you want to do it again. I bet your wife is just out of the habit, and just a few times of good sex, when you're both clean and well rested, will generally up her drive a bit so the other stuff is less bothersome when conditions aren't perfect.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait till she falls asleep

That's called rape.

I empathize with OP, and sex is an important part of any relationship, but I'm appalled that you'd suggest rape--even sarcastically.

How can you rape your wife? If she won't put out, take it! She might surprise you by telling you she's wanted to be taken, a little roughly, made to feel so desireable you couldn't help yourself. I agree with the caveman - time to man up!

First day of school? No homework?

So, let's say a wife does want to be seduced. How does imposing a bunch of rules about when sex is off the table facilitate seduction? Seems like those rules limiting sex offer less and less opportunities for seduction.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you making it worthwhile for her when it does happen?

Yup. I love going down on her. My biggest challenge in that regard is calibrating when "make it a quickie" means "let's have a pleasant moment & it doesn't always have to be a marathon" versus when it means "once she's in the mood, make it worth her while." Having a quickie would be easier if we were having sex more than once every two weeks.

I ask her what she likes and make sure to tell her that if she wants to try something, I'm game for whatever. But she's not very communicative. The 50 Shades period got her to open up enough about liking a little spanking or hair pulling. I tried pushing further to see if there was something she'd like that she wasn't comfortable talking about; but when I tried lightly grabbing her throat and being told that was too "rapey" - that scared me off pushing boundaries too much.

OP, you aren't doing anything wrong. Women, on average, need sex less than men, and women in long term relationships want it even less. Exceptions apply, of course. Anyway, your wife doesn't want to have sex with you. Join the club. Nothing you can do will change that, so stop internalizing it. My best suggestion is to get in the best shape of your life so that you will at least feel desired by other women. Maybe getting into better shape and being more confident will make your wife want to sleep with you more. You will eventually have to chose between cheating, divorcing or being sexually unsatisfied. Or perhaps your libido will fall as you age and it will become a non-issue over time.

Good luck.

All relationships end in breakup or death.

Anonymous wrote:Guys, this is ridiculous. As a general rule, men are more interested in sex, therefore men have to seduce a woman. Figure it out. It has nothing to do with talking it out, her giving suggestions about what turns her on, s/m moves on her, or doing good deeds to earn it.

Figure it out, I can't walk you through it, but you've got to get her damp.

You've just tossed the word "seduce" into the discussion and offered nothing else. I can envision seduction in once a month type terms - sweep her off her feet and get her away from home, hotel at a nice get away, etc. Not sure what the term means in the context of having sex 2-3x per week in the middle of work, kids, etc. Plenty of couples do it - so either the guy is seducing the wife a lot or seduction isn't the key.

I love flirting with my wife. But, at some point she has to flirt back. (Sometimes she does, often she doesn't.)

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you making it worthwhile for her when it does happen?

Yup. I love going down on her. My biggest challenge in that regard is calibrating when "make it a quickie" means "let's have a pleasant moment & it doesn't always have to be a marathon" versus when it means "once she's in the mood, make it worth her while." Having a quickie would be easier if we were having sex more than once every two weeks.

I ask her what she likes and make sure to tell her that if she wants to try something, I'm game for whatever. But she's not very communicative. The 50 Shades period got her to open up enough about liking a little spanking or hair pulling. I tried pushing further to see if there was something she'd like that she wasn't comfortable talking about; but when I tried lightly grabbing her throat and being told that was too "rapey" - that scared me off pushing boundaries too much.

OP, you aren't doing anything wrong. Women, on average, need sex less than men, and women in long term relationships want it even less. Exceptions apply, of course. Anyway, your wife doesn't want to have sex with you. Join the club. Nothing you can do will change that, so stop internalizing it. My best suggestion is to get in the best shape of your life so that you will at least feel desired by other women. Maybe getting into better shape and being more confident will make your wife want to sleep with you more. You will eventually have to chose between cheating, divorcing or being sexually unsatisfied. Or perhaps your libido will fall as you age and it will become a non-issue over time.

Good luck.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your kids stay up way too late for 8 and 9 year olds. Putting them to bed earlier might help all of you.

Seriously? We've historically been among the most diligent about bedtimes for our kids over the years. At 8 & 9, we start bed time at 8 - they're in jammies, teeth brushed and a little reading by the parents is usually finished by about 8:30-8:45. Then they read on their own for a little while. They get up about 7 for 9 or 9.5 hours of sleep.

In terms of how it applies to the sex rules, my wife has to have a high level of confidence they won't interrupt. For me, I'd say lock the door and let 'em knock until we're done.

Seriously. You aren't very diligent at all. My kids head up at 7:45, teeth brushed, pajamas on by 8. Reading - with parents and solo - for half an hour, and lights out at 8:30. They also get up about 7.

Elementary school children should be getting 10-11 hours of sleep per night, according to the National Sleep Foundation.

You're avoiding the sex issue by debating the kids' sleep time? Sounds like you just wanted to judge OP without adding anything useful. Seems like you're obviously in OP's wife's situation.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your kids stay up way too late for 8 and 9 year olds. Putting them to bed earlier might help all of you.

Seriously? We've historically been among the most diligent about bedtimes for our kids over the years. At 8 & 9, we start bed time at 8 - they're in jammies, teeth brushed and a little reading by the parents is usually finished by about 8:30-8:45. Then they read on their own for a little while. They get up about 7 for 9 or 9.5 hours of sleep.

In terms of how it applies to the sex rules, my wife has to have a high level of confidence they won't interrupt. For me, I'd say lock the door and let 'em knock until we're done.

Seriously. You aren't very diligent at all. My kids head up at 7:45, teeth brushed, pajamas on by 8. Reading - with parents and solo - for half an hour, and lights out at 8:30. They also get up about 7.

Elementary school children should be getting 10-11 hours of sleep per night, according to the National Sleep Foundation.

Guys, this is ridiculous. As a general rule, men are more interested in sex, therefore men have to seduce a woman. Figure it out. It has nothing to do with talking it out, her giving suggestions about what turns her on, s/m moves on her, or doing good deeds to earn it.

Figure it out, I can't walk you through it, but you've got to get her damp.

Anonymous wrote:Are you making it worthwhile for her when it does happen?

Yup. I love going down on her. My biggest challenge in that regard is calibrating when "make it a quickie" means "let's have a pleasant moment & it doesn't always have to be a marathon" versus when it means "once she's in the mood, make it worth her while." Having a quickie would be easier if we were having sex more than once every two weeks.

I ask her what she likes and make sure to tell her that if she wants to try something, I'm game for whatever. But she's not very communicative. The 50 Shades period got her to open up enough about liking a little spanking or hair pulling. I tried pushing further to see if there was something she'd like that she wasn't comfortable talking about; but when I tried lightly grabbing her throat and being told that was too "rapey" - that scared me off pushing boundaries too much.

I have this theory. Women put out and give BJs and do a lot sexually before marriage. I am not suggesting they are baiting and switching. But, resentments build, and maybe the women start to take back the power they gave away by establishing boundaries around sex.

Or, perhaps your wife was sexually abused as a child at the same age as your kids are today. Maybe having children that age is a trigger for her. She may not even know herself why she feels the way she does.

God. Men on this board are such whiners. No wonder your wives don't want to have sex with you!