Anonymous
09/11/2014 13:43
Subject: Re:Will I regret having only one child?
I'm an only with an only and in my mid-forties. When I was about 38 I started to worry about the same things. I saw my window of opportunity closing and I suddenly felt enormous pressure to decide. Now that I'm on the other end of that, I can tell you that I am totally happy with my one and only girl. There are many, many benefits to having one child and for us it was the absolute right decision to make.
My daughter and I are very close and I'm sure that has something to do with it--if I had a boy first I would have considered another since I desperately wanted a girl.
But whatever your decision, know that this is a typical phase that one goes through in their mid to late thirties.
My daughter and I are very close and I'm sure that has something to do with it--if I had a boy first I would have considered another since I desperately wanted a girl.
But whatever your decision, know that this is a typical phase that one goes through in their mid to late thirties.
Anonymous
09/10/2014 12:49
Subject: Will I regret having only one child?
Had dd when I was 38. Eventually I decided against a second child (even though dh would have been happy to have a 2nd) because we didn't have time or money then. Looking back now (dd is 21), I wish we had had the resources to have a second but it just wasn't in the cards at the time.
However, only children are supposed to be better at making and keeping lifelong friends. I've seen that with dh who is an only child. So chances are your child will build his/her own family. I've seen it with my kid.
And - a huge cautionary tale, OP. Dh and I worried a lot about what we would do as our parents aged. But all four parents went really quickly. No one was in assisted living or a nursing home. BUT my older brother, a huge loner, had an accident which left him unable to work. He already had many debts, many health issues and an addiction so, all in all, his situation is bad. My sister and I are supplementing his income for now while we wait to see whether he is going to be able to move successfully into recovery. But it's been a big source of stress for everyone.
All this is to say, that if I could go back in time and not have high student loan debt, I would probably have a second kid. But having a second kid is no guarantee that the first kid will have help dealing with aged parents! I wouldn't overthink this. You can't control the future! Good luck with your decisions.
However, only children are supposed to be better at making and keeping lifelong friends. I've seen that with dh who is an only child. So chances are your child will build his/her own family. I've seen it with my kid.
And - a huge cautionary tale, OP. Dh and I worried a lot about what we would do as our parents aged. But all four parents went really quickly. No one was in assisted living or a nursing home. BUT my older brother, a huge loner, had an accident which left him unable to work. He already had many debts, many health issues and an addiction so, all in all, his situation is bad. My sister and I are supplementing his income for now while we wait to see whether he is going to be able to move successfully into recovery. But it's been a big source of stress for everyone.
All this is to say, that if I could go back in time and not have high student loan debt, I would probably have a second kid. But having a second kid is no guarantee that the first kid will have help dealing with aged parents! I wouldn't overthink this. You can't control the future! Good luck with your decisions.
Anonymous
09/10/2014 11:28
Subject: Re:Will I regret having only one child?
If I were considerably younger (i.e. your age), I probably would have a second, and also for the main reason you suggested, so that they would have each other when we parents are old and then gone, and having a close family relation. However, saying that, we are very happy with one, and have decided it's not worth giving up the life we have now. Now that she is 6, we are no longer stressed out all the time, we can take her traveling anywhere, feel financially able to sign her up for any classes or camps that we want to, and will be able to go all her sporting events, with very little conflict, and all the while be 2 full-time working parents.
Our lives would be extremely stressful and less enjoyable if we had to juggle a second child's schedule, arranging playdates, handling school issues, handling potential medical issues, manage sibling relations, etc. Of course we would manage, but quality of life for us parents would definitely be diminished, despite our immeasureable love for the second child. I am accepting that our temperments would not do particularly well with more to handle. To compensate, we are focused on helping our child to have regular playdates, we buy an extra ticket to most events so that she can bring a friend, we try to help her to know her cousins and extended family, etc. The aftercare program at her school has been a wonderful vehicle too for her to have other children of differing ages to play with, so she's definitely not lacking for social interaction with other kids.
Hope you find a clear resolution to your anxiety about this, and find the answer that's right for your family! Regret is wasted energy. We all make the best decisions we can at the time we are presented with the options.
Our lives would be extremely stressful and less enjoyable if we had to juggle a second child's schedule, arranging playdates, handling school issues, handling potential medical issues, manage sibling relations, etc. Of course we would manage, but quality of life for us parents would definitely be diminished, despite our immeasureable love for the second child. I am accepting that our temperments would not do particularly well with more to handle. To compensate, we are focused on helping our child to have regular playdates, we buy an extra ticket to most events so that she can bring a friend, we try to help her to know her cousins and extended family, etc. The aftercare program at her school has been a wonderful vehicle too for her to have other children of differing ages to play with, so she's definitely not lacking for social interaction with other kids.
Hope you find a clear resolution to your anxiety about this, and find the answer that's right for your family! Regret is wasted energy. We all make the best decisions we can at the time we are presented with the options.
Anonymous
09/09/2014 16:22
Subject: Will I regret having only one child?
Anonymous wrote:PP, I think what you long for is a loving family, not necessarily large. Large does not equal loving.
Truth. Large families can be brutal!
Anonymous
09/09/2014 16:11
Subject: Will I regret having only one child?
OP -- I think you're better off with one star than having to dilute resources and attention.
Anonymous
09/09/2014 11:23
Subject: Will I regret having only one child?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I have only one child and it is a girl. We are quite happy with one. I would have been bummed though if I had a boy. I love having an only girl.
My two cents is that "only" girls do better than "only" boys.
OP here. Does anyone else find this to be true?
Anecdotally, wives of only sons seem to have more MIL issues. It's part of that independence issue, if the ILs expect their DS to be there for every holiday, or to do everything for them, or for the DIL to be the daughter they never had or fill in as social secretary when their son isn't good at keeping in touch, etc.
Anonymous
09/08/2014 22:45
Subject: Re:Will I regret having only one child?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I am an only child and it is a very lonely and empty life, especially if one lives in an area without any local extended family. When I was growing up the closest extended family was a 5 hour plane ride away, and we only saw them once a year. We spent every holiday alone, and my parents did not believe in celebrating holidays just the three of us because it was "too much work." So for instance on Thanksgiving instead of making a traditional Thanksgiving dinner we would just go out to eat, and even as a child this lack of celebrating any holidays really bothered me. We had very few to no family traditions. As a child being an only child felt like an incomplete family to me--I still feel this way even as an adult. I felt different being an only child and it made me self-conscious. Even as an adult, this feeling different and feeling of self-consciousness has negatively impacted many of my relationships.
As a child with a SAHM, I felt scrutinized constantly. My mother had too much time on her hands and was always nit-picking me about something--how much she hated my hair, how I was too fat, etc. Even as an adult she does the same thing--criticizes me and my lifestyle choices.
While I was lonely as a child, as an adult I am 100 times lonelier. We are still very far from extended family, and only see them once or twice a year. One of the things I envy the most is people with large, loving families who spend fun holidays together and vacation together in the summers in a big beach house. I long for a loving, supportive extended family but it's something I'll never have. My husband's family is awful and dysfunctional, and we have very little relationship with them.
We have one child but plan to have another one. I want something different for my child than the way I grew up.
I'm so sorry. That sounds like a crappy childhood.
But you must realize that what went wrong there wasn't the size of your immediate family.
Maybe but I get what she's saying. I was an only child. I'm not going to say anything more but I feel some of same feelings as this poster. I don't even have extended family.
I have two children now. They are close in age and are good friends. I didn't want my son to have my experience.
Anonymous
09/08/2014 20:36
Subject: Re:Will I regret having only one child?
The "only' girls I knew were unusually well adjusted. To be sure, many of them went on to want large families.
Anonymous
09/08/2014 19:50
Subject: Re:Will I regret having only one child?
I think that if you have another one, you won't be able to imagine life without them and think that it's so great that you gave your daughter a sibling. Once babies are here, you love them no matter what, you know?
If you have one, you'll think oh isn't this great that I am able to devote more resources to my one and only, we would have had to give up so much if we had a second, more sanity, more ability to travel, less financial stress over college, etc.
I think you can't go wrong. Either way, you'll love your kid/kids and there are pros and cons to each decision.
If you have one, you'll think oh isn't this great that I am able to devote more resources to my one and only, we would have had to give up so much if we had a second, more sanity, more ability to travel, less financial stress over college, etc.
I think you can't go wrong. Either way, you'll love your kid/kids and there are pros and cons to each decision.
Anonymous
09/08/2014 19:12
Subject: Will I regret having only one child?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I have only one child and it is a girl. We are quite happy with one. I would have been bummed though if I had a boy. I love having an only girl.
My two cents is that "only" girls do better than "only" boys.
OP here. Does anyone else find this to be true?
No. I do not find it to be true. I'd image it's harder on girls as women are typically the caregivers of elderly. I'm an only girl thought and I like it.
Anonymous
09/08/2014 19:10
Subject: Will I regret having only one child?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I have only one child and it is a girl. We are quite happy with one. I would have been bummed though if I had a boy. I love having an only girl.
My two cents is that "only" girls do better than "only" boys.
OP here. Does anyone else find this to be true?
Anonymous
09/08/2014 15:16
Subject: Will I regret having only one child?
Anonymous wrote:I have only one child and it is a girl. We are quite happy with one. I would have been bummed though if I had a boy. I love having an only girl.
My two cents is that "only" girls do better than "only" boys.
Anonymous
09/08/2014 15:14
Subject: Will I regret having only one child?
I have only one child and it is a girl. We are quite happy with one. I would have been bummed though if I had a boy. I love having an only girl.
Anonymous
09/08/2014 09:45
Subject: Re:Will I regret having only one child?
It's really such a personal decision OP. We can really only give our feelings on how we would want our own families to be.
But I'll share my thoughts and what works for my family. First, it's important to know what kind of extended family you have. Do you have siblings with kids, will your only have cousins, aunts, uncles?
My parents died unexpectedly and this colors my view. I have some aunts and uncles and cousins, but was never close with them. My sibling and I were not even close to be honest. But eventually we have become closer and I'm grateful to have someone that shares my memories of my parents. I have my dh, I have my kids, but there is something downright primal about having someone else that you know comes from the same place you come from. Even with my spouse and kids and friends now, I would have a huge gaping feeling of emptiness if I didn't have my sibling.
It was hard on me to have a second child, I was pretty much the sole caretaker and still am as my dh works long hours and travels a lot. It's not easy, one child has some mild special needs and my health has suffered some, but to me it's absolutely worth it. My kids will always have each other and that's what's important to me.
But I'll share my thoughts and what works for my family. First, it's important to know what kind of extended family you have. Do you have siblings with kids, will your only have cousins, aunts, uncles?
My parents died unexpectedly and this colors my view. I have some aunts and uncles and cousins, but was never close with them. My sibling and I were not even close to be honest. But eventually we have become closer and I'm grateful to have someone that shares my memories of my parents. I have my dh, I have my kids, but there is something downright primal about having someone else that you know comes from the same place you come from. Even with my spouse and kids and friends now, I would have a huge gaping feeling of emptiness if I didn't have my sibling.
It was hard on me to have a second child, I was pretty much the sole caretaker and still am as my dh works long hours and travels a lot. It's not easy, one child has some mild special needs and my health has suffered some, but to me it's absolutely worth it. My kids will always have each other and that's what's important to me.
Anonymous
09/08/2014 09:22
Subject: Will I regret having only one child?
2 is just not that many kids. I would have the second. It is not that hard or that much more expensive. Frankly it is all expensive so adding another really doesn't change lifestyle. Three kids and you need the larger car and larger house to be more comfy.