Anonymous
08/20/2014 18:31
Subject: Am I right to feel offended?
OP - the different treatment of the other family is not beside the point. It is offensive that he is will to pay for his wife's family to vacation with them but is not willing to pay for convenient flights to have you and your child travel a distance to take care of his children. the fact that you previously ahve paid for flights to do them a favor is upsetting as well.
It is not as if they cannot afford the tickets. The problem is that this is all about them and at an inconvenience to you when you are doing them a favor.
It would be a completely different thing if your sibling could not afford the tickets (and not because of the previously mentioned family vacation). But it does not sound as if that is the case and this then This piles on a history of them choosing his wife's family over yours.
It sounds like they are trying to cloak it as them doing you a favor by spending the bookend weekends with you but the reality is that it is a big favor to them. Unless they live in Maui, Venice,IT, or some equivalent destination I do not see how this is anything but a favor to them with the bonus of spending time together.
It is not as if they cannot afford the tickets. The problem is that this is all about them and at an inconvenience to you when you are doing them a favor.
It would be a completely different thing if your sibling could not afford the tickets (and not because of the previously mentioned family vacation). But it does not sound as if that is the case and this then This piles on a history of them choosing his wife's family over yours.
It sounds like they are trying to cloak it as them doing you a favor by spending the bookend weekends with you but the reality is that it is a big favor to them. Unless they live in Maui, Venice,IT, or some equivalent destination I do not see how this is anything but a favor to them with the bonus of spending time together.
Anonymous
08/20/2014 17:49
Subject: Am I right to feel offended?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I don't think you should be offended, nor do I think your brother is using you. Some families do actually care about each other and help each other out without charging by the hour.
He saw a need - that they were away on business and asked you to do him a favor and put his two kids to bed each night - basically a couple hours of your time. The pluses would be a paid for airfare, your son would be able to spend time with his cousins and you would get two weekends to all visit together without having to pay airfare to get there.
By using miles, this makes it financially doable for him. He could get a local babysitter cheaper than two airfares if he has to pay full price. First he thought maybe he would see if you could combine helping him out and a visit if he made it free for you.
If you don't want to do it, just say so. But I hope you don't ever ask him to do anything for you. If you are going to see helping a sib as a business transaction and expect him to fork out all kinds of extra money because you only fly direct or you only fly first class or whatever your demands of the moment are, then don't expect him to be there for you in a time of need.
This is so opposite of how my family works. We would gladly help each other out.
Except that he is not offering that to her...
What part of that isn't he offering her?
Anonymous
08/20/2014 17:47
Subject: Am I right to feel offended?
Anonymous wrote:I don't think you should be offended, nor do I think your brother is using you. Some families do actually care about each other and help each other out without charging by the hour.
He saw a need - that they were away on business and asked you to do him a favor and put his two kids to bed each night - basically a couple hours of your time. The pluses would be a paid for airfare, your son would be able to spend time with his cousins and you would get two weekends to all visit together without having to pay airfare to get there.
By using miles, this makes it financially doable for him. He could get a local babysitter cheaper than two airfares if he has to pay full price. First he thought maybe he would see if you could combine helping him out and a visit if he made it free for you.
If you don't want to do it, just say so. But I hope you don't ever ask him to do anything for you. If you are going to see helping a sib as a business transaction and expect him to fork out all kinds of extra money because you only fly direct or you only fly first class or whatever your demands of the moment are, then don't expect him to be there for you in a time of need.
This is so opposite of how my family works. We would gladly help each other out.
Except that he is not offering that to her...
Anonymous
08/20/2014 17:44
Subject: Am I right to feel offended?
Anonymous wrote:Yes, he's asking you to watch his kids. I'd want family watching mine too. I'd pay the whole fare though. It's ok to decline if the flights are too challenging.
Plus 1
Anonymous
08/20/2014 17:42
Subject: Am I right to feel offended?
I don't think you should be offended, nor do I think your brother is using you. Some families do actually care about each other and help each other out without charging by the hour.
He saw a need - that they were away on business and asked you to do him a favor and put his two kids to bed each night - basically a couple hours of your time. The pluses would be a paid for airfare, your son would be able to spend time with his cousins and you would get two weekends to all visit together without having to pay airfare to get there.
By using miles, this makes it financially doable for him. He could get a local babysitter cheaper than two airfares if he has to pay full price. First he thought maybe he would see if you could combine helping him out and a visit if he made it free for you.
If you don't want to do it, just say so. But I hope you don't ever ask him to do anything for you. If you are going to see helping a sib as a business transaction and expect him to fork out all kinds of extra money because you only fly direct or you only fly first class or whatever your demands of the moment are, then don't expect him to be there for you in a time of need.
This is so opposite of how my family works. We would gladly help each other out.
He saw a need - that they were away on business and asked you to do him a favor and put his two kids to bed each night - basically a couple hours of your time. The pluses would be a paid for airfare, your son would be able to spend time with his cousins and you would get two weekends to all visit together without having to pay airfare to get there.
By using miles, this makes it financially doable for him. He could get a local babysitter cheaper than two airfares if he has to pay full price. First he thought maybe he would see if you could combine helping him out and a visit if he made it free for you.
If you don't want to do it, just say so. But I hope you don't ever ask him to do anything for you. If you are going to see helping a sib as a business transaction and expect him to fork out all kinds of extra money because you only fly direct or you only fly first class or whatever your demands of the moment are, then don't expect him to be there for you in a time of need.
This is so opposite of how my family works. We would gladly help each other out.
Anonymous
08/20/2014 16:47
Subject: Re:Am I right to feel offended?
OP .... all the way to the West coast? I would treat this as one of those ideas that floated past, but just did not work on the logistical side.
Anonymous
08/20/2014 16:43
Subject: Am I right to feel offended?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I think you're unnecessarily hung up on what they're doing with her side of the family. Maybe her relatives can't be trusted to babysit. Maybe her relatives are broke. Maybe her relatives are just more fun to hang out with.
As most posters have said -- figure out what you're willing to do and then say yes or no; don't try to read some kind of emotional message into the situation.
Thank you, I am surprised myself how hung up I have suddenly become in this situation!
It has to do with family dynamic which was there for quite some time.
I think you are right, I should treat this as business. But even with that, I just hate it when people start haggling. I am free not to deal with hagglers, except when they are my relatives. I think he puts me in an uncomfortable situation as if I am seeking that free tickets opportunity, whereas in reality I would love to fly to see them at Christmas, for example, but they choose to go and see SIL's family!
so it looks like I am just good as a babysitter. Ok, fine, but then don't haggle.
PS they are not paying for food. They have some in the fridge of course, but I go out and grocery shop whenever something is needed, so I would say it's 50/50
DONT GO. It will only escalate. You have to be the one who decides how others treat you. Bro is asking for a lot with very little in return. That will build resentment. Just decline nicely.
Anonymous
08/20/2014 16:41
Subject: Re:Am I right to feel offended?
Anonymous wrote:I don't know why you would take 'offense' at this. Your brother is covering your ticket, presumably your food while you're there, you only have night duty with the kids (and at their ages, that's not hard) and there will be a nanny there during the day. I think it's pretty sweet. Yes, the flight is inconvenient for you with the layover but it's not 'offensive'.
What is sweet about this deal? He pays for her food while she watches his kids?
Anonymous
08/20/2014 16:40
Subject: Re:Am I right to feel offended?
OP I can see why you are upset. You offered to come out and basically help him out of a bind by watching his kids. It will be all fine b/c of the cousins. But it is very awkward that he is cheaping out on the tickets, because you are doing HIM an Favor. So I would say, the layover does not work for me, sorry. (he is tight on money b/c he just took the big vacation with the other in laws -- his problem, not yours)
Anonymous
08/20/2014 16:34
Subject: Am I right to feel offended?
OP, if I wanted my sister to come out and help me with child care, I would pay for all her travel expenses, food, EVERYTHING, and I would offer her money on top of that (and if she wouldn't take it, I'd give her hefty gift cards or something). Absolutely no question about it.
Anonymous
08/20/2014 16:20
Subject: Am I right to feel offended?
OP again - my brother has not come back to me with a solution yet. I don't know if it's because I was too direct with him (I told him I felt hurt when he suggested we fly for miles, etc), or he is just considering it moneywise.
Something does not add up here. His wife is very generous with her relatives. She is a high earner, too. Maybe they have somewhat separate budgets, or maybe she overspends and he is left to pick up the slack? Or is he just penny pinching by nature and it's that simple?
I won't feel used if they pay for direct airfare.
Something does not add up here. His wife is very generous with her relatives. She is a high earner, too. Maybe they have somewhat separate budgets, or maybe she overspends and he is left to pick up the slack? Or is he just penny pinching by nature and it's that simple?
I won't feel used if they pay for direct airfare.
Anonymous
08/20/2014 16:17
Subject: Am I right to feel offended?
Anonymous wrote:This seems nutty to me. No one should be depending on flying family in (with small children) to cover childcare needs. There have to be local solutions - college kids who want to earn a little extra money, nannies or housekeepers in the neighborhood who would like to pick up a few hours, nanny agencies (or care.com) that are ways to find short term caregivers, etc...
I don't understand why your brother and SIL would handle things this way, or why it would ever make sense for you with a 4 yr old.
I know, I would have already found someone local a long time ago. It makes sense for me because I like seeing my brother and for my kid to play with his cousins.
Anonymous
08/20/2014 16:16
Subject: Am I right to feel offended?
Anonymous wrote:OP, say no. You're feeling used. Letting yourself continue to feel used is going to lead to payback down the road. It will blow up one way or another, so just say no.
They're adults. They can handle their kids on this trip, and if they can't, or can't afford help, they shouldn't bring them. It's that simple.
Would they do anything even remotely this helpful for you?
they are both going on business trips, I am to stay home with the kids (who are in school and extracurriculars at daytime)
They did help us a lot before - twice we stayed at their house when they lived in different city which is a major tourist hub. Otherwise I never really needed their help.
Anonymous
08/20/2014 11:26
Subject: Am I right to feel offended?
This seems nutty to me. No one should be depending on flying family in (with small children) to cover childcare needs. There have to be local solutions - college kids who want to earn a little extra money, nannies or housekeepers in the neighborhood who would like to pick up a few hours, nanny agencies (or care.com) that are ways to find short term caregivers, etc...
I don't understand why your brother and SIL would handle things this way, or why it would ever make sense for you with a 4 yr old.
I don't understand why your brother and SIL would handle things this way, or why it would ever make sense for you with a 4 yr old.
Anonymous
08/20/2014 10:06
Subject: Am I right to feel offended?
OP, say no. You're feeling used. Letting yourself continue to feel used is going to lead to payback down the road. It will blow up one way or another, so just say no.
They're adults. They can handle their kids on this trip, and if they can't, or can't afford help, they shouldn't bring them. It's that simple.
Would they do anything even remotely this helpful for you?
They're adults. They can handle their kids on this trip, and if they can't, or can't afford help, they shouldn't bring them. It's that simple.
Would they do anything even remotely this helpful for you?