Definitely lots of women posting in this thread. Man here.

Your position is understandable, and seems like you've thought it through. I'd say if DW isn't willing to work things out, just go ahead with the affair. What's the worst that can happen? You get divorced. Well sounds like that will happen anyway.

Really make sure to compartmentalize. In my case, I have little contact with any mistresses when I'm at home (as in when I'm in the city where we live), other than an email every 1-2 months. They are living in other cities, and I see them when I'm in those cities on business.

Husband here in very similar position to OP, but not considering cheating.

Part of the problem is the negative results of brinksmanship. I don't want to threaten my wife with divorce (or an affair) to convince her to have sex with me any more than I want to threaten her with violence. So I tell her I want more sex, but I leave out the "or else."

Not to rain too much on a parade, but when I see suggestions like in the prior post to have date nights and romance her, I think they're just very naïve. I wouldn't be venting here if I hadn't tried those things.

And wives in this position who just wish their husbands would romance and try to seduce them, think back to how you got in this dynamic. I spent many nights over many years trying to romance and seduce my wife only to get rejected. Fool me once, shame on you. Reject me 1,000 times and don't turn around and expect me to try time number 1,001. You need to initiate a lot of sex first, then only after that, tell me you want to be seduced. And then fuck me every single time I seduce you. No excuses. Then, and only then, I will start putting in that effort again. Until then, you've beaten me down and you have to live with the consequences. Don't blame me. Sorry for the vent.

/s/ good dad, sensitive and kind husband, who lives in a sexless marriage with his best friend.

Honestly, tell her it's gotten to this point. If my husband came to me and said this and was DEAD SERIOUS I would realize I had three options:

Figure out how to enjoy sex again and have it more
Allow my husband a physical affair with the caveat he does everything in his power to not let it get emotional
Understand that is pretty unlikely to happen without him eventually realizing he could be happy with someone else and chooses to divorce me, and just not waste the time and go ahead and agree to an amicable divorce.

Really, those are her three options. She can choose which she can live with and you can go with that since it sounds like at this point any of the three would work for you. But give we the courtesy of knowing you have reached this point so she can do some work and figure out how to handle it. You owe her that.

Anonymous wrote:

Why don't you just take cheating off the table, and if she doesn't agree to an open relationship, then get a divorce?

These seems like part of the most logical answer to all of this.

1. Tell her you are not satisfied with your sex life. Ask her if she would be willing to seek help/counseling to try and increase it. If she says no, then...

2. Ask her if she would be ok with an open marriage. If she says no, then.....

3. Tell her you would like a divorce.

I stuck with my ex for many, many years in a sexless relationship because we made great parents/partners. She was my best friend. We got along great. But when it came to sex, it just fizzled out after our daughter and my ex was not willing to do anything about it. But I stayed.

Given the chance to go back, I would have done the steps I wrote above and left if I had to years ago.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wife here. My DH could have written the OP. I love him. I would not want a life without him. But I don't like sex. I don't like fishing either. He goes fishing without me.

If DH had an affair and it was truly just sex, I'd be okay with it. I would just never want to know about it. Of course, in my heart I would know but I would hope he would follow a don't ask, don't tell policy. It would probably help our marriage in that he would get his desires met and I wouldn't feel pressure to do something I'm not interested in. The issue is that relationships are rarely just sex and I would have an issue if it became more than just sex.

OP here. I am sure it is wishful thinking but a part of me wonders whether my DW would understand if I had a purely sexual affair. She knows I am unhappy with sexual aspects - we have discussed it ad nauseum and frankly I am sick of making her feel bad about it. Our marriage otherwise works, so it seems so pointless to toss aside an otherwise healthy marriage just for lack of sex. She tells me all the time how much she loves me and how much she wishes she could be in the mood more but then we go a month without sex and the resentment overflows.

As a caveat, I can compartmentalize sex and emotions. But then again, seeing the other responses, I can see how bad it can go if discovered. Thanks for feedback.

Why don't you just say, "I've been considering having sex with another woman. How do you feel about that?"

OP here. I have been hesitant to bring up the open relationship issue because I would have thought that would heighten her radar for me cheating and if I cheat I really don't want to get caught. I would, however, be totally fine with an open relationship, i.e. both of us getting sex met outside of relationship. Our best friends had gotten into swinging and they divorced a year later leaving small kids in the middle, so my DW has commented on several occasions that she sees extra-marital sex as not worth the risk.

Thanks for the feedback, it is really appreciated.

Why don't you just take cheating off the table, and if she doesn't agree to an open relationship, then get a divorce?

When will you people learn to delete the rest of the quoted crap and only leave the last post? It isn't hard people.

Pp here, I wanted to say I don't remember having such a low drive before the kids. But that's where it's at at 33.

Honestly I'm a dw with a lower sex drive than my DH. I have a 1 and 4 yr old. U do remember being this low drive vit here I am at 33.

Can you plan date nights. With the expectation of sex. Talk to her about it. Seduce her! I need this and knowing sexy is coming up in a scheduled day vs DH expecting it at 11pm helps. It makes me gear up me mentally and physically (shave etc).

Are you or her out of shape? Canyou exercise together. Maybe if she felt better about you or herself. This is big for me. My DH has let himself go and I'm still In shape.

Help out more, make sure she's not To tired. Sorry but kids burn out moms.

Sleep in the same bed. Talk before bed and reminess abt your days. BOND!

Look Into a naturopath and a doctor and have her hormones checked out.

Anonymous wrote:For the first time, I am sympathetic to the man in this scenario. How selfish of OP's wife to not make any effort to fix their sex life herself, or communicate better.

I really think that, whether you are a man or a woman, you should accept that sexual satisfaction is a big part of a marriage and if you aren't prepared to put in the effort to make that happen, you deserve to be cheated on.

I agree with this except I don't think anyone deserves to be subjected to the lying and deception involved in a secretive affair. But I do agree that it's not fair to demand sexual exclusivity from your partner if you're not actually having sex with them.

liamw wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

liamw wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

liamw wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

liamw wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

liamw wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

liamw wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do your wife a favor... get a divorce and then you can date, have sex with and do what ever you like. If you cheated on me, regardless of the reason, you'd find your stuff packed on the porch and served with divorce papers. No counseling, no looking back. Once you leave the marriage, our marriage is over. No forgiveness here. If you have an affair, you are not being a "good" husband or father. You are the scum of the earth. Just be prepared for the outcome being huge attorney bills, lots of child support, seeing your kids every other weekend and your marriage over with a very bitter ex-wife.

I say divorce her and do your best to get the kids and leave her with as little as possible. After such don't marry again only use women as objects as they view men for the money aspect as made obvious by this post. *much sarcasm in this for you feminists out there*

Oh hi, right wing mysoginist meathhead! Welcome.

I think you missed his (not very well made) point.

No, I didn't, because I don't believe that it was sarcasm. Read his posts elsewhere.

Where have I ever condoned cheating or objectification ? Have I bashed gold diggers who marry for money and only money or marry with the intent to divorce and take him to the cleaners ya damn right I have because women like that are NO better than men who use women, a user is a user pure and simple. If you need examples go take a peek in the marry for money thread.

You are assuming these things about OP's wife, a woman you've never met, on the basis of nothing but your own ignorance and biases. You're a douche.

When did I ever say that was about his wife, you really did fail reading comprehension huh ?

No, I can read just fine. You're a bad liar. You posted on this thread with your lame-ass disclaimer to the feminists, which is in no way convincing. It's like people who say "I'm sorry, but you're a douchebag. You're a douchebag no sorry about it. You felt the need to post here because it's an outlet for your actual thoughts.

I felt the need to post here to address a biased bitch who came into the thread with NOTHING useful only her judgments so get over your self.

Oh, okay. Because your posts display zero judgment. HAHAHAHAHAHA! God you really are a fucking moron.

My post judges people like you, your damn right but you don't ask for advice you simple condemn people your a bully simple as that.

Nope. I'm not the original PP you "responded" to, but yeah I'd cop to bullying you because you are a troll extraordinaire.

I am the troll yet you are the anon poster fallowing me around trying to start shit every where what a sad life you have grow a spine.

I'm not the only one who's called you out, liam. Try sticking to actual arguments instead of using red herrings to justify your "positions." It tends to annoy people here.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wife here. My DH could have written the OP. I love him. I would not want a life without him. But I don't like sex. I don't like fishing either. He goes fishing without me.

If DH had an affair and it was truly just sex, I'd be okay with it. I would just never want to know about it. Of course, in my heart I would know but I would hope he would follow a don't ask, don't tell policy. It would probably help our marriage in that he would get his desires met and I wouldn't feel pressure to do something I'm not interested in. The issue is that relationships are rarely just sex and I would have an issue if it became more than just sex.

OP here. I am sure it is wishful thinking but a part of me wonders whether my DW would understand if I had a purely sexual affair. She knows I am unhappy with sexual aspects - we have discussed it ad nauseum and frankly I am sick of making her feel bad about it. Our marriage otherwise works, so it seems so pointless to toss aside an otherwise healthy marriage just for lack of sex. She tells me all the time how much she loves me and how much she wishes she could be in the mood more but then we go a month without sex and the resentment overflows.

As a caveat, I can compartmentalize sex and emotions. But then again, seeing the other responses, I can see how bad it can go if discovered. Thanks for feedback.

Why don't you just say, "I've been considering having sex with another woman. How do you feel about that?"

OP here. I have been hesitant to bring up the open relationship issue because I would have thought that would heighten her radar for me cheating and if I cheat I really don't want to get caught. I would, however, be totally fine with an open relationship, i.e. both of us getting sex met outside of relationship. Our best friends had gotten into swinging and they divorced a year later leaving small kids in the middle, so my DW has commented on several occasions that she sees extra-marital sex as not worth the risk.

Thanks for the feedback, it is really appreciated.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I cannot imagine what you are dealing with BUT I will tell you this.

Get some goddamn balls and talk to your wife. 1) go to counseling if you want to stay married or 2) divorce. If your wide has no clue how serious you are about an affair or divorce TELLING HER might help your cause.

Why cant you people talk to one another. If it doesnt change then leave. I cannot stand these affair threads. You all are spineless.

OP here. Talking it out again is good in theory, but does it actually work? I mean, are there honestly people who have low libidos that had no idea their spouse was deeply unhappy with 1-2x per month sex despite multpile conversations in the past about it? Do you really want your spouse telling you "I will divorce you if you won't have more sex"? I can't imagine her low drive is going to naturally respond to the pressure of sex vs. divorce.

I am not trying to be flippant, she knows I am deeply unhappy about it, but probably doesn't realize I am seriously considering divorce. But if you know of someone who actually talked their way into a better sexual relationship, I am all ears.

Wife here again. If DH came to me and said we have to have more sex or I'm going to start divorce proceedings, I'd be very sad. But I would understand. Sex is part of a marriage. It's a part I don't like and I'm not every going to like it to the degree he does. It's not fair to him to not get his part of the deal. I might be able to muster up the willingness to have sex more often for a few months, but then I'd regress and we'd be right back where we are now. And I'm not sure how he would feel if he knew we were having sex just so he wouldn't divorce me. Whether or not I agree to have sex doesn't change if I WANT to have sex. At that point, I'd just be going through the motions.

For the first time, I am sympathetic to the man in this scenario. How selfish of OP's wife to not make any effort to fix their sex life herself, or communicate better.

I really think that, whether you are a man or a woman, you should accept that sexual satisfaction is a big part of a marriage and if you aren't prepared to put in the effort to make that happen, you deserve to be cheated on.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I cannot imagine what you are dealing with BUT I will tell you this.

Get some goddamn balls and talk to your wife. 1) go to counseling if you want to stay married or 2) divorce. If your wide has no clue how serious you are about an affair or divorce TELLING HER might help your cause.

Why cant you people talk to one another. If it doesnt change then leave. I cannot stand these affair threads. You all are spineless.

OP here. Talking it out again is good in theory, but does it actually work? I mean, are there honestly people who have low libidos that had no idea their spouse was deeply unhappy with 1-2x per month sex despite multpile conversations in the past about it? Do you really want your spouse telling you "I will divorce you if you won't have more sex"? I can't imagine her low drive is going to naturally respond to the pressure of sex vs. divorce.

I am not trying to be flippant, she knows I am deeply unhappy about it, but probably doesn't realize I am seriously considering divorce. But if you know of someone who actually talked their way into a better sexual relationship, I am all ears.

Going to a neutral third party will help you understand more about the problem. Right now, all you can see is that you've asked her for more sex, and she doesn't want to have it. But, there is probably a lot more behind this than you can (or want to) see. You probably have a larger role in your wife's low libido than you understand, and she can probably do a lot more to meet your needs.

liamw wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

liamw wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

liamw wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

liamw wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

liamw wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do your wife a favor... get a divorce and then you can date, have sex with and do what ever you like. If you cheated on me, regardless of the reason, you'd find your stuff packed on the porch and served with divorce papers. No counseling, no looking back. Once you leave the marriage, our marriage is over. No forgiveness here. If you have an affair, you are not being a "good" husband or father. You are the scum of the earth. Just be prepared for the outcome being huge attorney bills, lots of child support, seeing your kids every other weekend and your marriage over with a very bitter ex-wife.

I say divorce her and do your best to get the kids and leave her with as little as possible. After such don't marry again only use women as objects as they view men for the money aspect as made obvious by this post. *much sarcasm in this for you feminists out there*

Oh hi, right wing mysoginist meathhead! Welcome.

I think you missed his (not very well made) point.

No, I didn't, because I don't believe that it was sarcasm. Read his posts elsewhere.

Where have I ever condoned cheating or objectification ? Have I bashed gold diggers who marry for money and only money or marry with the intent to divorce and take him to the cleaners ya damn right I have because women like that are NO better than men who use women, a user is a user pure and simple. If you need examples go take a peek in the marry for money thread.

You are assuming these things about OP's wife, a woman you've never met, on the basis of nothing but your own ignorance and biases. You're a douche.

When did I ever say that was about his wife, you really did fail reading comprehension huh ?

No, I can read just fine. You're a bad liar. You posted on this thread with your lame-ass disclaimer to the feminists, which is in no way convincing. It's like people who say "I'm sorry, but you're a douchebag. You're a douchebag no sorry about it. You felt the need to post here because it's an outlet for your actual thoughts.

I felt the need to post here to address a biased bitch who came into the thread with NOTHING useful only her judgments so get over your self.

Oh, okay. Because your posts display zero judgment. HAHAHAHAHAHA! God you really are a fucking moron.

My post judges people like you, your damn right but you don't ask for advice you simple condemn people your a bully simple as that.

Nope. I'm not the original PP you "responded" to, but yeah I'd cop to bullying you because you are a troll extraordinaire.