Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To be honest the only thing I have observed between them is her ordering him around and him scrambling and scraping to do whatever she asked. I gave her a pass during pregnancy but this has continued after their child was born. It's very awkward to witness.

This is a pretty strong judgment without context. Sometimes, one partner will simply abdicate responsibility for taking care of the kids, home, etc. They're willing to do work when told to do it, but won't take any responsibility for remembering that things need to be done and plan for them. My husband can be like that, when we're out places he'll never think about things like making sure they kids get lunch at a reasonable time, the toddler who slept poorly the night before gets a chance for a nap, bathroom stops for the preschooler, diaper changes, make sure the kids have water if we're out somewhere warm, etc. It's all on me to do the work of planning and preparing and making sure these things happen. I'm sure it times it comes across as me ordering him around, but underlying that is a frustration that I'm having to take on all the responsibility for keeping track of it, and not feeling like I should have to plead with him to do what obviously needs to be done. Just do it.

All of this ultimately brings us back to earlier questions, though. If she's generally just a bossy bitch, why are you friends with her? If this isn't her usual behavior with people, what is it about her husband/their marriage that brings it out in her?

This is mostly about you, not about my situation. I understand the explanation, but I wonder what would happen if you gave up control and stopped ordering your husband around? And I'm sure it doesn't feel good to be the one being told what to do all the time.

I didn't say she was a bossy bitch, she's just sniping at her husband all the time when I'm around. I don't know why or what he did, she's very nice to me.

Not the PP you're responding to but I agree with her. You don't know what 'your situation' is. It's easy to be glib, telling someone to give up control but you clearly have no experience with someone that can't be relied upon. My DH is a nice guy, good conversationalist and a great companion. I know people think he's a great guy - and he is. We love each other very much. Unfortunately, love isn't enough. My DH suffers from ADHD/depression and it's incredibly hard being married to someone like him. This wasn't apparent until after we had kids and as our life stresses increased his ADHD/depression got worse. I'm sure some who have seen our interactions consider me bossy and controlling (maybe even bitchy) but they have no idea how difficult it is to keep things together when you've got a partner like him. In many ways, I have to 'manage' him the same way I do the kids. He doesn't resent it because he knows how he is but it's not really how I want my relationship with my DH to be. I have taken a hands off approach in the past but it doesn't work when kids are involved or your financial stability. Ever received a call from a kid who didn't get picked up? Ever have to make a wire transfer (or send a money order) to the mortgage company because too many electronic mortgage payments bounced? I've also tried doing it all myself. Doesn't work either. It's tough being married to a man like my DH yet I feel no need to discuss it with even close friends. I don't think you're a bad person for thinking about this guy but don't be so dissmissive of poeple who suggest appearances may be deceptive. You need to better understand why she's so nice to you but so snippy about her husband.

Anonymous wrote:My daughter's best friend's parents are separated after 20 years together. I have gotten to know the dad, I have never seen him be anything except a loving father and attentive partner. Meanwhile his ex-partner is mean, angry and bitter towards him. She is a good friend to me and has been since we met.

Dad and I have spent time alone together incidentally, not on purpose, and I really enjoy his company. I am single. I know the girls would never be friends again, and mom would hate me, but sometimes I just think about what it would be like to be with him. I wish I had someone as kind as him.

IMHO, since you say she is your friend, and they are not yet divorced, do not do this to her. They are going through a horrible time and you would be twisting the knife and dancing on her grave.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a hard time believing he's lovely and she's a monster. Think about why that is.

+1

Why is it? I don't get it?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To be honest the only thing I have observed between them is her ordering him around and him scrambling and scraping to do whatever she asked. I gave her a pass during pregnancy but this has continued after their child was born. It's very awkward to witness.

This is a pretty strong judgment without context. Sometimes, one partner will simply abdicate responsibility for taking care of the kids, home, etc. They're willing to do work when told to do it, but won't take any responsibility for remembering that things need to be done and plan for them. My husband can be like that, when we're out places he'll never think about things like making sure they kids get lunch at a reasonable time, the toddler who slept poorly the night before gets a chance for a nap, bathroom stops for the preschooler, diaper changes, make sure the kids have water if we're out somewhere warm, etc. It's all on me to do the work of planning and preparing and making sure these things happen. I'm sure it times it comes across as me ordering him around, but underlying that is a frustration that I'm having to take on all the responsibility for keeping track of it, and not feeling like I should have to plead with him to do what obviously needs to be done. Just do it.

All of this ultimately brings us back to earlier questions, though. If she's generally just a bossy bitch, why are you friends with her? If this isn't her usual behavior with people, what is it about her husband/their marriage that brings it out in her?

This is mostly about you, not about my situation. I understand the explanation, but I wonder what would happen if you gave up control and stopped ordering your husband around? And I'm sure it doesn't feel good to be the one being told what to do all the time.

I didn't say she was a bossy bitch, she's just sniping at her husband all the time when I'm around. I don't know why or what he did, she's very nice to me.

Anonymous wrote:I have a hard time believing he's lovely and she's a monster. Think about why that is.

+1