*spending ^^

Maybe this is PPD. Or maybe it's not so much the drapes she's crying over but her adjustment to staying home and not earning her own money anymore and spend as she chooses. If she really and truly is crying about the drapes then I feel for you, my friend.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She doesn't work AND she doesn't cook? I guess that's where she finds all that time for shopping. If she wants to be flush with extra cash that allows her to replace drapes just because, then she SHOULD be working. You're being taken for a ride my friend.

+1

Mother of two.

Was she always like this?

I wish my DH was moved by tears, but I refuse to manipulate him, so it does not matter. Perhaps you can write her a letter so the tears will not affect you. You both need to see a marriage counselor.

+2

Sucker.

Hey, her crying isn't necessarily an attempt to manipulate you or stop conversation. Maybe she's just... upset.

I assume that since she is a SAHM you think she should be cooking and cleaning more and so resent the extra money spent on Whole Foods/cleaners. I'm ready to be on your side, but only if you answer these questions:

1) how many kids do you have, and how old are they?
2) does she have supportive family or friends nearby?

I feel like there may be a bit more going on here.

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Please know I'm not blaming her. It's "us" but at least I'm ready to confront it. Why is he cleaning lady coming twice a month? Can't she come once and we use our irobot?

No. They usually charge much more for monthly cleaning. That's not always the economical option.

Op here. Please know I'm not blaming her. It's "us" but at least I'm ready to confront it. Why is he cleaning lady coming twice a month? Can't she come once and we use our irobot?

OP, force yourself to keep talking even though she's crying. I know it's not pleasant, but don't let that be a barrier.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you need to man up and make more money

Thanks for the advice, Maureen McDonnell!

LOL. Love that response. Back to the question, one thing that may help is have money that is supposed to be set aside for saving go directly into another account. From the beginning when we were engaged we had one joint savings account where we agreed a certain amount would go each month towards the wedding. After the wedding the savings account was used for the house downpayment etc.

What is the goal for the extra 30K a year? Is this being earmarked for college fund, investments, paying off loan, downpayment for a house? Can you guys agree that bonus money goes directly into to the savings fund for X goal? I think it's easier to think buying curtains for the baby now delays doing x financial goal . You guys should be thinking of the specific financial goal when you are trying to decide if you can afford something when you have the money and are not in debt. I haven't used it but YNAB (you need a budget) software has been recommended on DCUM and I think the software is set up around that thinking of earmarking money coming in for a specific purpose. As others have mentioned you have to work thru the tears and continue the conversation. If DW mentions going back to work calmly state that the first step is agreement on financial goals and then you guys can work together to figure out how it can happen.

I agree that communication needs to be be more effective, and can't be blocked by emotional responses, whatever they are, whether crying or shouting or banging doors or shutting down.

You need to tell her this. She is not acting in a grown-up, mature way right now. Perhaps she is depressed, and shopping is therapy. If she's mooning about without occupation and spending like crazy, there's a problem.

Anonymous wrote:She doesn't work AND she doesn't cook? I guess that's where she finds all that time for shopping. If she wants to be flush with extra cash that allows her to replace drapes just because, then she SHOULD be working. You're being taken for a ride my friend.

+1

Mother of two.

Was she always like this?

I wish my DH was moved by tears, but I refuse to manipulate him, so it does not matter. Perhaps you can write her a letter so the tears will not affect you. You both need to see a marriage counselor.

Anonymous wrote:Why do most marriages always have a saver and a spender?

Ours don't to the extreme. We save and spend. Our home was paid off in just 7 years and we made less than 90k.

You need to grow some balls OP + not give in to her manipulation. She is using her tears as a power play to get you to feel sorry for her. I say, "Don't buy into the hype!"

Money is a serious issue, esp. in a marriage.

Buying new curtains for a baby's nursery is not a necessity for her, what you both need to do at this point is start to save for more important things.

She needs to realize this and grow up.

First, she may not want to let you take over the budgeting, but there's no reason you can't set up a Mint account, link your bank and credit card accounts, and start analyzing your spending and working on a budget on your own. Then sit down with her, and try to ignore the tears and histrionics. Pretend she's not doing it, and respond to whatever rational substance she offers in a calm manner.

You: "Jane, I'm concerned that our spending is getting out of control and we're not saving nearly as much as we should to secure our future. Let's take a look at this and see where we can try to trim things back a little bit."

Jane: *sobs* "We don't have enough money for anything, I need to go back to work!"

You: "Well, that's something we can explore. Why don't we first look at our current spending and see what's going on. I've set up a Mint account and started analyzing where our money is going. Here are three areas I think we could cut back on a lot."

Jane: "But I need new curtains for the baby's room! We can't cut back on home decor spending!"

You: "We don't have to cut it out completely. Look, we can set a monthly budget for home decor, and if there's something you want that's more than the monthly budget, the amount will roll over month to month until we've saved enough."

If you really can't get through to her, you need marriage counseling or a divorce attorney, because otherwise you will end up broke, miserable, and resenting each other. The crying and carrying on is just emotional manipulation, to keep you from interfering with her getting her way.

She doesn't work AND she doesn't cook? I guess that's where she finds all that time for shopping. If she wants to be flush with extra cash that allows her to replace drapes just because, then she SHOULD be working. You're being taken for a ride my friend.

Maybe she is crying because she's emotional and exhausted. You said you have a new baby. Cut her some slack.