OP, my heart breaks for you. I strongly suggest you get the restraining order...I did this and it was one of the best decisions I've ever made. My mom was much like yours. She stole things from me when I was living with her, she would use her paychecks to fund shopping sprees for herself, then demand I use the money I made from my part-time job (i was still in HS at this time) to buy us food and pay for utilities. She used my ssn to open accounts in my name when I was in college, ran up the balances then failed to pay them resulting in my credit being ruined before I even had a chance to use it. When I would challenge her on these things she would become aggressive and hit me.

I moved out at 22 (to a crappy apt in a bad area) just because I couldn't stand to be around her anymore, but I cont to have a relationship with her. Even that was hard, she would show up at my door unexpected and criticize my apt. I was giving her money to pay my car note (it was in her name and the funds were coming out of her credit union acct so I would give her money every month to reimburse, but she stopped having the money taken out of her acct without telling me and every time I gave her the cash that I thought was for reimbursement, she would spend it on herself....the car was repossessed and I was left without a way to get around and she showed no remorse whatsoever
Over the course of my twenties she would continue to do things to sabotage my life and I would forgive her because people said I was supposed to because she was my mother. I went for months, sometimes years without speaking to her because of her abusive treatment toward me. When I had my first child I allowed her to be involved hoping she had changed, but instead she became more controlling and unpredictable. She would ask me for instructions about his care, then do the exact opposite, she changed his formula without checking with me, she would beg to babysit him, then tell me I owed her $50 when I came to pick him up. As he got older she would tell him to keep secrets from me and that he didn't have to obey me. The last straw was when I found out she had gone to the social service dept and told them that I dropped him off one day and never came back to get him, she then used his ssn to get food stamps and other benefits. I only found out when my income taxes were taken because they said I owed the state money for providing food and health ins for my kid...at this point I cut her off again, but was fell to the pressure of my family to forgive her.

Fast forward a few years and a few kids later....she gets upset (can't remember why) and attacks me in front of the kids and I tell her she will never see us again. She makes attempts over several weeks and I ignore/block her so she calls the kids schools and tells them my husband and I are abusive and neglectful parents, she also calls cps and makes the same claim. The end result was a full-scale cps investigation of our home/family which totally disrupted our lives. The investigation turned up nothing at all, but the school teachers and staff def treated us differently. It was so bad that I felt compelled to send them a copy of the letter we got from CPS saying that our kids were being raised in a safe and nurturing home. At this point, I was done...I filed the restraining order and had it apply to calls/visits to our home/work, calls/visits to each of the kids schools and visits to any of their sporting/school events. She still tried to call friends and family members to bad mouth me, but that fizzled out after a while. She also attempted to reach out to my older child thru his friends via social media, but when I found out I spoke with their parents and told them to feel free to insist she stop contacting their kids and to pursue legal action if she didn't.

She did attempt to visit one child at school, but when they called me I told them that the order was still in effect and they were free to call the police to have her arrested. I also threatened to cut off any friends/family members who wanted to encourage me to forgive her.

Removing this abusive lunatic from my life was the best thing I ever did, just regretful that I didn't do it sooner. Being someone's parent does not give you the right to mistreat, humiliate, degrade or defame them. Once I had kids, I knew what it meant to be a real mother and I couldn't tolerate her behavior any longer...once she put my kids safety and stability at risk it was over (cps was considering removing them from our home). I'd never treat my kids the way she had always treated me...The restraining order was the first real step I made toward getting the life I knew I deserved and having real happiness. Having no mother at all is 100x better than having one like her.

Good luck to you.

OP, best of luck to you. Your post strikes fear in me because I have the same sort of mother you do. I never know when she will strike. I am not young and I am still worried about her! CRAZY, right?

If you find other resources, please post and GL.

About the friendships you may have lost, OP - don't worry about them. People lose touch with each other over time.

I have been in the midst of intense back-stabbing and gossiping, and was surprised to realize that the majority of people tend to cut others a LOT of slack, if the person under attack seems outwardly calm and friendly. Appearance trumps everything! Of course, that works both ways. Some nasty people who cover their tracks can keep friends that way for years.

So don't overshare. Act completely sane and normal. Say your mother has issues - they will feel sorry for the situation.

Anonymous wrote:I also wanted to congratulate you on creating a sane and stable life for yourself and your children. It is a feat to come up with insanity and find your way to a normal life. Hat's off to you.

+1000000

Yikes, how did your mother get your boss's cell phone number?

On point, I agree with PPs that a restraining order likely will not solve your problems. My crazy ex does this stuff now and then, sends poison pen letters to my work with lies to get my fired, posting weird shit on the internet about me, etc. (I haven't seen him in ten years and he still pulls this every few months.)

My lawyer said I could get a restraining order, but it would not help with him contacting third parties. Mostly, I ignore him now. I've met with my boss and legal at work and basically, they say that nothing he says relates to my work and they ignore the letters now. Apparently, after working with me for years, they recognize crazy when they read it.

I will say that, yes, I've lost some mutual friends over time no doubt due to something he said, but whatever. They obviously were not good friends to begin with.

The other thing I did was to lock down as much of my online footprint as I could. I have FB under another name and I block him. It isn't perfect, but it works well enough. The most important thing is to not engage.

Anonymous wrote:Thank you to everyone who responded with support. My attorney seemed to think we could get some wording in the order that would prohibit her from using third parties to get to me and/or my children. I'm not sure how that would hold legally long term, but may be worth a try.

It's hard to believe and sad that this is even something I have to consider. For those PP who've been in similiar situations, please share what online support groups, websites, and resources you've found. Would love to meet some people who've been through this.

PP here. I just wanted to add, don't go into detail with others, it is not their business. If you just say "she has issues", I think that should be sufficient. Please tell us what happens, and GL.

Thank you to everyone who responded with support. My attorney seemed to think we could get some wording in the order that would prohibit her from using third parties to get to me and/or my children. I'm not sure how that would hold legally long term, but may be worth a try.

It's hard to believe and sad that this is even something I have to consider. For those PP who've been in similiar situations, please share what online support groups, websites, and resources you've found. Would love to meet some people who've been through this.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother is like this, OP. I feel for you and I know how destructive and demoralizing this type of behavior is. Personally, I do not have the heart to get a restraining order against my mother despite the horribly crazy and abusive things she has done. We plan to start having kids soon so I might change my mind if I sincerely thought she could cause harm to my kids.

I also wanted to congratulate you on creating a sane and stable life for yourself and your children. It is a feat to come up with insanity and find your way to a normal life. Hat's off to you.

Thank you, really kind thing to say. I was really fortunate growing up to have other stable family members and friends parents to love me and look up to.

+1

OP, you're not alone. NP here. You know how hard it is to try to explain to people - sometimes merely acquaintances - that your own mother is bat shit crazy??!! From jobs, to schooling, to everyone in between - my own mother has tried to alienate me from my employers and worse.

I think these mothers do this because of mental illness, but also because they can not live with the fact that they have NO control over you. FORGET the fact that she is your mother. You did NOT ask for this. Restraining order, stat. We back you up 100%, FWIW. You did nothing wrong. Again, you did not ask for this.

OP here. Yes! It is so hard and embarassing to have to tell people that. Or apologize to my boss for my mother repeatedly calling his cellphone and leaving messages about me. It really is horrible. Thank you!

Anonymous wrote:OP I would file for one if for nothing but the send a message that you mean business. If she breaks it, put her in jail. Perhaps she'll think twice about endangering your livelihood and your life.

ITA. Also, you can always sue her for libel and/or slander, if push comes to shove. You are not alone, OP. Do what you have to do. Your kids are involved, because of her. You did nothing wrong.

OP I would file for one if for nothing but the send a message that you mean business. If she breaks it, put her in jail. Perhaps she'll think twice about endangering your livelihood and your life.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're lucky people call you to let you know what she is saying about you. In my case, only one person has every done that for me. In every other case, they distance themselves without telling me why. Good luck OP -- what does your lawyer say? I'd be curious to hear it too.

Funny enough, I have thought of this. I wonder how many people she's contacted that haven't mentioned it to me. I've also had a few people mysteriously delete me from Facebook. So, it's probably even more widespread than I realize. OP

Sickening thought. Hate to say it, but it probably is more widespread than you know.

The only thing about the restraining order is that - even though I think you should file it - you should also prepare yourself emotionally for possible consequences resulting from that filing by consulting with experienced professionals. Your mother's probably going to be furious about the boundaries that a restraining order imposes on her, and you should probably expect some strange, unwanted behavior to follow.

I'm going through similar things with my family. I'm well aware that they're capable of doing what your mother has been doing to you, so I've been very, very careful about my distancing strategies. Luckily, most of them have careers that could be affected if I had to take legal action, so I at least have some leverage.

I'm not sure a restraining order will solve your problem. You can't get an order prohibiting her from contacting third parties--she can still call your friends and family and say whatever she wants to. The order can only prohibit her from contacting you and your minor children. You might just be better off at this point saying to friends and family, "I'm sorry to hear that my mother is calling you again. I suggest that you block her email/phone number and/or don't take her calls. But there's nothing I can do about it, and I don't really want to hear about her antics anymore. If she says something that makes you think she might be a danger to me or my kids, let me know, but otherwise, I'm asking you not to pass along her "messages." Thanks for understanding."

Your kids trump your mother, OP. Get a protective order. Your mom needs help badly, too. Taking action will help accomplish both.

Does a restraining order prevent your mother from calling other people to talk shit about you?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother is like this, OP. I feel for you and I know how destructive and demoralizing this type of behavior is. Personally, I do not have the heart to get a restraining order against my mother despite the horribly crazy and abusive things she has done. We plan to start having kids soon so I might change my mind if I sincerely thought she could cause harm to my kids.

I also wanted to congratulate you on creating a sane and stable life for yourself and your children. It is a feat to come up with insanity and find your way to a normal life. Hat's off to you.

Thank you, really kind thing to say. I was really fortunate growing up to have other stable family members and friends parents to love me and look up to.

+1

OP, you're not alone. NP here. You know how hard it is to try to explain to people - sometimes merely acquaintances - that your own mother is bat shit crazy??!! From jobs, to schooling, to everyone in between - my own mother has tried to alienate me from my employers and worse.

I think these mothers do this because of mental illness, but also because they can not live with the fact that they have NO control over you. FORGET the fact that she is your mother. You did NOT ask for this. Restraining order, stat. We back you up 100%, FWIW. You did nothing wrong. Again, you did not ask for this.