Anonymous
Post 07/16/2014 22:16     Subject: What is the DEAL with my FIL?
Anonymous wrote:Ummm, are there men of his generation who DO change diapers and proactively clean up? Because I haven't met any.



My father and my FIL both proactively clean up AND change diapers. They do a lot of the cooking too. Other relatives in our family do the same. I don't think it's unusual. But I do believe that if this FIL never did such things when he was raising a family, he's not going to think to do them now.
Anonymous
Post 07/16/2014 15:15     Subject: Re:What is the DEAL with my FIL?
Anonymous wrote:This must be a nightmare to deal with. Can DH ask him to look around and notice when people need help? Does anyone stand up to him? Hey dad, its hotter than hell in here I need the window open. or we ALL just ate dinner what do you think comes next dad?? Dishes?

What on Earth about this situation sounds like a nightmare??
Anonymous
Post 07/16/2014 15:14     Subject: What is the DEAL with my FIL?
Ummm, are there men of his generation who DO change diapers and proactively clean up? Because I haven't met any.

Anonymous
Post 07/16/2014 14:48     Subject: Re:What is the DEAL with my FIL?
This must be a nightmare to deal with. Can DH ask him to look around and notice when people need help? Does anyone stand up to him? Hey dad, its hotter than hell in here I need the window open. or we ALL just ate dinner what do you think comes next dad?? Dishes?

Anonymous
Post 07/16/2014 14:42     Subject: What is the DEAL with my FIL?
Anonymous wrote:My FIL is like this. He never helps cook dinner, and just sits at the table while everyone else clears the dishes and cleans up. He leaves plates and cups sitting around the house. He watches TV at night and then leaves the TV and lights on when he goes to bed. He will eat an entire bowl/plate of snacks that were obviously meant for everyone to share. He has never cleaned a room in his house in his life. He complains about his wife's clutter (she admittedly has a problem), but doesn't actually pick anything up, and his own space isn't much neater than the rest of the house. He's totally oblivious to the efforts of other people around him.

It doesn't help that he has an opinion on absolutely everything. When he goes on about how people should raise their kids, I have to bite my tongue so hard not to say, "What would you know about it? Your wife did all the work!"


Wow, I guess my DH has a second wife. This is my FIL!
Anonymous
Post 07/16/2014 14:15     Subject: What is the DEAL with my FIL?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Possibility: FIL finds OP very annoying and is doing his absolute best not to say anything.

This is totally wrong, I promise you (this is OP). He told me this vacation he was so glad his kids had found such wonderful spouses. It is not cruelty as I said - he would never think as cruelly as some of you do - it is more like obliviousness. And I worry about his relationship with DH More than anything else in the situation.


He means well. He just wants to do what he wants to do or is asked to do, and not anything else. Would you rather he feel obligated to do stuff and then complain?

Things are good. Accept them and enjoy.
Anonymous
Post 07/16/2014 14:12     Subject: What is the DEAL with my FIL?
Anonymous wrote:I would never open, much less leave open, a window in someone's house without asking if it was ok.

I also would not roll down a car window without asking the other people in the car if they minded.

oh my gosh...some of you people are really a trip..clutch your pearls a little harder why don't you...it's a window, not a bank account
Anonymous
Post 07/16/2014 09:33     Subject: What is the DEAL with my FIL?
My FIL is like this. He never helps cook dinner, and just sits at the table while everyone else clears the dishes and cleans up. He leaves plates and cups sitting around the house. He watches TV at night and then leaves the TV and lights on when he goes to bed. He will eat an entire bowl/plate of snacks that were obviously meant for everyone to share. He has never cleaned a room in his house in his life. He complains about his wife's clutter (she admittedly has a problem), but doesn't actually pick anything up, and his own space isn't much neater than the rest of the house. He's totally oblivious to the efforts of other people around him.

It doesn't help that he has an opinion on absolutely everything. When he goes on about how people should raise their kids, I have to bite my tongue so hard not to say, "What would you know about it? Your wife did all the work!"
Anonymous
Post 07/15/2014 21:41     Subject: What is the DEAL with my FIL?
You just described my parents in a nutshell, OP! Are you my invisible SIL?

It won't change. Just give your FIL a task he can do sitting down, at his own pace - shelling peas, what have you - and expect nothing else because you won't get anything else. Sorry - I know exactly how infuriating it is.
Anonymous
Post 07/15/2014 20:32     Subject: What is the DEAL with my FIL?
Anonymous wrote:Possibility: FIL finds OP very annoying and is doing his absolute best not to say anything.

This is totally wrong, I promise you (this is OP). He told me this vacation he was so glad his kids had found such wonderful spouses. It is not cruelty as I said - he would never think as cruelly as some of you do - it is more like obliviousness. And I worry about his relationship with DH More than anything else in the situation.
Anonymous
Post 07/15/2014 20:30     Subject: Re:What is the DEAL with my FIL?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Passive aggressive doesn't mean what you think it means. Don't count on FIL to know when you want help.


I don't think he is passive aggressive - I never said that. I just think it is very odd to see a person struggling right in front of you and not have the instinct to offer to help.

Are you OP? Because OP claimed he was PA. But the examples she gives are not PA.


Yes. Made a mistake. I think in the window example, he was. But usually that isn't a term if use to describe him (since it implies malicious intent which he rarely has) so I forgot Id said it. My mistake.
Anonymous
Post 07/15/2014 20:29     Subject: What is the DEAL with my FIL?
Anonymous wrote:OP some families are traditional. My FIL never changed a diaper or did anything with the kids. 1) it was the woman's job and 2) he never did it so he does not know how to do it. The kitchen stuff, of one person cooks al the time and the other does, you do not want them in the kitchen. Did you jump in there and help the MIL kitchen or did you just sip on your wine? Also, grandparents are not nannies, they don't work for you.


This is OP. Of course I help! Who just sits and watches someone work? I don't think I'm making the examples clear. Thanks for the thoughts to all who responded.
Anonymous
Post 07/15/2014 19:41     Subject: Re:What is the DEAL with my FIL?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Passive aggressive doesn't mean what you think it means. Don't count on FIL to know when you want help.


I don't think he is passive aggressive - I never said that. I just think it is very odd to see a person struggling right in front of you and not have the instinct to offer to help.

Are you OP? Because OP claimed he was PA. But the examples she gives are not PA.
Anonymous
Post 07/15/2014 19:24     Subject: What is the DEAL with my FIL?
OP some families are traditional. My FIL never changed a diaper or did anything with the kids. 1) it was the woman's job and 2) he never did it so he does not know how to do it. The kitchen stuff, of one person cooks al the time and the other does, you do not want them in the kitchen. Did you jump in there and help the MIL kitchen or did you just sip on your wine? Also, grandparents are not nannies, they don't work for you.
Anonymous
Post 07/15/2014 19:20     Subject: What is the DEAL with my FIL?
I would never open, much less leave open, a window in someone's house without asking if it was ok.

I also would not roll down a car window without asking the other people in the car if they minded.